WHY?

WHY?
By John Ross Harvey

Perhaps you’ve seen the recent ad campaign
For the Toronto Star
Ask Why?
Well, on that theme I have a few whys
Why does nobody understand the concept of the bar on a checkout conveyor?
Why does McDonald’s have two speakers when they use one?
Why do people never put their headlights on?
Why do they let people buy more than 8 items at the express checkout?
Why are tea drinkers discriminated regularly?
It’s always: “Do you want Coffee?” Never ask about tea.
If they have Vegetarian Pizza, why not Carnivore Pizza?
OK, they sell it, but they call it Meat lovers, or Meat supreme.
Why do people buy condos? Half the building has the bad view!
Why don’t “drivers” read road signs?
This lane ends, in word or picture format is apparently unreadable.
As is DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
Why do “drivers” not pull over for Emergency Vehicles?
Someone might die because of their delayed reaction.
Why does North York salt the roads during flurries?
Why don’t we use sand instead?
There are less rust possibilities that way.
Why does a Cold take forever to get rid of?
Why are commercials getting worse?
Why did Faith Hill say “WHAT????” at the CMA’s?
Why do hairs grow in your nose and ears, when it doesn’t on your scalp?
Why is the worst customer service, the richest company in the world?
Why does Vaughan have grocery stores out the wazoo and no hospital?
Why did Corner Gas have Hank do a blog?
Because we need to know WHY!

Hallowe'en

HALLOWE’EN
By John Ross Harvey

2nd annual posting

All Hallow’s Eve
Hallow’s Evening
Hallowe’en
Not Halloween as many may write
This was not a Christian celebration
But a Celtic observation of the end of summer
Reaping of the final harvest
Beginning of winter
Where Samhain, Lord of Dead, gathers souls
In animals, and decides what other animals
They will reside in next
On the Eve of this Day
Barriers between Natural and
Supernatural worlds are Broken
Faeries were considered hostile
People would imitate Faeries
And ask for Treats, or the household
Would be tricked
Hence modern day trick-or-treating
These imitators would carry turnips
Carved with faces
Much like the modern day Jack-o-lantern
This festival became observed here
In North America after the Irish
Potato famine made many emigrate
From Ireland and bring their folklore with them.

But let’s face reality here
There is but one reason Hallowe’en exists today
Commercialism
An incentive to buy products
Second only to Christmas
At least for now
Until the next MUST HAVE candy comes around
Hallowe’en will then be #1
In the pockets of Commercial Enterprise
Too bad the Irish don’t run them.

JOHNNY.CA

JOHNNY.CA
By John Ross Harvey


Is it just me, or is Johnny square?
This has to be the biggest nerd campaign ever
Johnny makes Revenge of the Nerds
Look like Jocks
He won’t turn up his stereo
He won’t park with a girl
What do you expect from Chevrolet?
They still don’t know
How many taillights
An Impala is supposed to have!
Six
Not Four
Not Two
Six
And Lose Johnny
Maybe Computer Geeks outnumber us
And that’s your market target
But they already drive Mercedes
They don’t want a Cobalt/Cavalier
Poor people like us are forced to buy Chevy
Unless they have better taste
And move up to a Ford or Dodge
Johnny isn’t selling anything

Multiple Meanings

MULTIPLE MEANINGS
By John Ross Harvey

The English language is a funny thing
Two words can be spelled the same, sound different,
But mean something entirely different,
Or have more than one meaning.
Close or Close
Close that door or
You’re too close.
Same spelling, different sound, different meaning.
Peanuts
They are Nuts to some but are properly called Legumes
It’s a small amount of Money
It’s a cartoon strip
It’s a reference to a small…
More meanings, same sound.
Wound or Wound
You were wound up, or you wound it up.
It’s a small flesh wound.
Very different meaning, different sound, same spelling.
Jerk or Jerk
He’s a big Jerk
Let’s have Jerk Chicken
Different meaning, same sound and spelling.
File or File or File
You filed it under that name.
You stood in single file.
You cut it with a file.
Same word, same sound, different meanings

So the next time somebody whose English
Is their second or third language or more
Doesn’t sound like they understand English

There’s a very good reason!

Give them a break they have much more
Than these examples to try to comprehend.
And they didn’t have the 30+ years you did
To get it quite as poorly as yourself.

Baseball Can't Take the Rain

BASEBALL CAN’T TAKE THE RAIN
By John Ross Harvey

In several levels of Auto Racing rain is part of the sport
In fact many rain-affected races are far more exciting.
In Football, at least in the CFL, games continue in Snow or even Fog
A little rain never hurt that game
Now Hockey and Basketball are indoors so they have no excuses
But Baseball refuses to play in the rain
Why?
Are they afraid of the Mud?
They get dirty anyway in a dry game
It can’t possibly be because of the Laundry bill
Are they afraid of Hypothermia?
Perhaps rain in October is colder, but it’s not snow.
Rain delays are pathetic
If you dare to call your championship a World Series
You should at least be able to deal with the weather
Put on raincoats, I don’t really care how you play
But play the game; people have paid to see.
Do you think the fans are afraid of the rain?
No!
You are not a world-class outdoor sport,
Until you can handle the rain.

10 Things Wrong with GTA Drivers

10 THINGS WRONG WITH GTA DRIVERS
By John Ross Harvey

These are listed in No prioritized order, they are all wrong.

1. Grey Cars, Grey Roads, Grey Skies, No Lights! NO SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Directional Deficit Disorder: Why pass on left to exit at next right????????
3. Lost Lane Losers: Is the picture of the lane ending not enough for you?????
4. Intersection Blockers: If you don’t fit; don’t be a twit!
5. READ A ROAD SIGN: “School Zone” does not mean speed up. “Do Not Block Intersection” does not mean go ahead and block it.
6. Red Light Runners: When you are three cars back going left, it’s NOT OK TO TURN!
7. Weather: Defroster Lines, and Snow do not make visibility good.
8. Lane Hoppers: Guaranteed you will be behind the first guy you passed at the next red light.
9. Parked Car Passing: People do not park in the LEFT LANE. THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. Fire Lane Parking: Me Society Morons deserve to be TOWED!!!!!!!!


Improving on these 10 things will greatly improve your commute and your anger.

Thanksgiving

2nd annual posting

THANKSGIVING
By John Ross Harvey

American and Canadian Thanksgivings differ
They have it in November
We have it in October
They have it on Thursday (who knows why?)
We have it on Monday (long weekend of course)
They celebrate the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock
We celebrate the harvesting of food
They eat turkey
So do we
We stuff ourselves 3 weeks before Hallowe’en
They stuff themselves 3 ½ weeks after Hallowe’en
They watch NFL football games
CFL doesn’t play on Monday; it’s a long weekend!

SPAM

SPAM
By John Ross Harvey

What is SPAM?
One version is poor man’s Ham in a CAN.
Another has been affectionately labeled
To unwanted emails
Spewed Pathetic Accosting Messages
If I had a $ for every stock quote I’ve received
I’d already be a Millionaire
If I lost a pound for every weight loss program I’ve been mailed
I’d weigh absolutely nothing
If I had a house for every mortgage quote I received
I’d own a small village
If I had a woman for every sex pill message I’ve received
I could rival Gene Simmons
If I had a computer for every software or printer message
I’d rival the largest computer networks
If I had a bank account for all the Nigerian dictators that mail me
I could live very nicely in the Grand Caymans
If I bought everything I supposedly bid on Ebay (but didn’t)
I’d be in seriously huge financial debt
If I could write as many jokes as my friends send me
I’d start up a blog
Oh, right, I did that already.
To all the losers of this world, that are sending these emails
I hear Bill Gates is looking to hire.

Groups

GROUPS
By John Ross Harvey

In the animal kingdom, there are groups
Usually with a different name
So they can distinguish themselves
From other groups
Like Herd of Elephants
Pride of Lions
Pack of Wolves
Or MURDER of CROWS.
How exactly did that name come about?
School of Fish
A Pod of Whales
A Gaggle of Geese
A Colony of Ants, or an Army of Ants
A Troop of Chimpanzees
A Flock of Sheep
Not to be confused with
A Flock of Birds
Which aren’t murdering crows
Or gaggling geese.

Here’s a list I was able to Google from www.Blackdog4kids.com


Antelope Herd
Ants Colony or an army
Apes Shrewdness
Asses Herd or pace
Bacteria Culture
Badgers Cete
Bass Shoal
Bears Sleuth or sloth
Beavers Colony
Bees Swarm, grist or hive
Birds Flock, flight, congregation or volery
Bitterns Sedge or siege
Board Sounder
Buffalo Herd
Bucks Brace or clash
Caterpillars Army
Cows Kine of cows (twelve cows are a flink)
Coyote Band
Cranes Sedge or siege
Crocodiles Float
Crows Murder
Cubs Litter
Curlews Herd
Curs Cowardice
Cats Clowder or clutter
Cattle Herd or drove
Chickens Brood or peep
Chicks Clutch or chattering
Clams Bed
Cobras Quiver
Colts Rag
Coots Cover
Deer Herd
Dogs Pack
Doves Dule
Ducks Brace, paddling or team
Eggs Clutch
Elephants Herd
Elephant seals Pod
Elks Gang
Emus Mob
Ferrets Business or fesnyng
Finches Charm
Fish School, shoal, run, haul, catch or draught
Flies Swarm
Foxes Skulk or leash
Frogs Army or colony
Geese Flock, gaggle or skein (in flight)
Gnats Cloud or horde
Goats Herd, tribe or trip
Goldfinches Charm
Gorillas Band
Greyhounds Leash
Hares Down or husk
Hawks Cast or kettle
Hens Brood
Herons Hedge
Hogs Drift or parcel
Horses Team, pair or harras
Hounds Pack, mute or cry
Jellyfish Smack
Kangaroos Troop or mob
Kittens Kindle or litter
Larks Ascension or exultation
Leopards Leap (leep)
Lions Pride
Locusts Plague
Moles Labour
Monkeys Troop
Mules Barren or span
Magpies Tiding
Mallards Surd
Mares Stud
Martens Richness
Owls Parliament
Oxen Yoke, drove, team or herd
Oysters Bed
Parrots Company
Partridges Covey
Peacocks Muster or ostentation
Peeps Litter
Pheasants Nest, nide (Nye) or bouquet
Pigeons Flock or flight
Pigs Litter
Plovers Wing or congregation
Ponies String
Porpoises Pod
Quail Covey or bevy
Rabbits Nest
Rats Pack or swarm
Rattlesnakes Rhumba
Ravens Unkindness
Rhinos Crash or herd
Roebucks Bevy
Rooks Building or clamour
Seals Herd or pod
Sheep Drove or flock
Snakes Nest
Snipe Walk or wisp
Sparrows Host
Squirrels Dray
Starlings Numeration
Storks Mustering
Swallows Flight
Swans Bevy, herd, lamentation or wedge
Swifts Flock
Swine Sounder or drift
Teal Spring
Toads Knot
Trout Hover
Turkeys Rafter
Turtledoves Pitying or dule
Turtles Bale
Vipers Nest
Walrus Pod
Whales School, gam or pod
Wolves Pack or route
Woodcocks Fall
Woodpeckers Descent


Now that we know all the combinations listed above
That still explains nothing about why they got the name
And I’m hard pressed to come up with any reasons
Except that crows (or ravens) have been associated with evil and death
In literature for many years, probably dating back to Pagan beliefs
So Murder was a natural extension of the fear of Crows in humans.
Now you know something old, you just weren’t told before.

Butter Vs. Margarine

BUTTER VS. MARGARINE
By John Ross Harvey

I received an email recently
It pointed out the various differences between
Butter and Margarine

Margarine has 5 grams of Fat
Butter has 8 grams of Fat

Eating margarine will increase heart disease in 53% of women
Eating butter will increase the absorption of other food nutrients

Butter has nutritional benefits
Margarine has them, but they are added

Butter enhances food flavours
Margarine, …not so much

Butter has been here for centuries
Margarine for less than 100 years

Margarine is high in trans fats tripling your risk of coronary heart disease
Increasing your risk of cancer up to 5 fold
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (the bad kind)
Lowering HDL (the good one)
Lowers breast milk quality
Decreases Immune response and Insulin response

But worse than all of that
It is one molecule away from being PLASTIC

It’s an edible oil product
Plastic is made from oil

In George Carlin’s theory of our existence
We were created to make Plastic

We did that already, it’s time we left.

But before we do
I’ll have some hot buttered popcorn with Real Butter

Newfoundland & Labrador

NEWFOUNDLAND & LABRADOR
By John Ross Harvey

Yes, it’s a beautiful 2-part province
Not that I’ve been there, but seen pictures
But that’s not what I’m talking about
The Dogs
Newfoundland and Labrador
Which came first?
The province, or the dogs?
Since Newfoundland and Labrador
Joined Canada in 1949
They’ve actually existed much longer
But when did the Dogs get this name?
Did they have another name before?
Or were they bred after the province was named?
I suspect they were named after the province
But how many other dog breeds
Are named after bodies of land?
German Sheppard is one I suppose
Not too many dogs named New York or New Jersey
Never heard of a Texas or Ontario dog
No California or Saskatchewan dogs either
Montana or Manitoba
Colorado or Quebec
Utah or Alberta
Mississippi or Yukon
Guess they aren’t beautiful enough
To have a dog named after them
Or is it the other way around?

PRO-MICHAEL SCHUMACHER VS. ANTI-MICHAEL SCHUMACHER

PRO-MICHAEL SCHUMACHER VS. ANTI-MICHAEL SCHUMACHER
By John Ross Harvey

When Michael Schumacher wins the pros say it’s because he’s the best.
The antis say it’s because the Ferrari is too good

When Michael Schumacher wins in the rain, the pros say it’s because he’s the best
The antis say it’s because the Ferrari is too good

When Michael Schumacher loses in the rain, the antis say it’s because he can’t drive well.
The pros blame it on the tires, back markers, pit crews, anything at all but their man

When Michael Schumacher loses and it didn’t rain, the antis say it’s because he’s no good
The pros blame it on the tires, back markers, pit crews, anything at all but their man

When rule changes are made to make Ferrari win, the antis blame on the FIA favouritism
The pros say all the better so their man can win as he’s supposed to

When rule changes are made to make Ferrari lose, the antis are very happy with them
The pros blame the results on FIA favouritism for the opposing teams

When a driver passes Michael Schumacher, the pros say they were lucky, or he missed a gear
The antis jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate

When Michael Schumacher wins a championship, the antis turn off the television
The pros jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate

When Michael Schumacher loses a championship, the pros blame it anti Ferrari paranoia
The antis jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate

When Michael Schumacher announced his retirement the pros claim he has nothing to prove
The antis blame it on his inability to face Raikonnen as his teammate

When Michael Schumacher hangs up his helmet for good, the pros will celebrate his career
The antis will celebrate the loss of the biggest cheat in the history or organized sport
And jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate.

NAMES

NAMES
By John Ross Harvey

Perhaps more a history lesson than comedy
But there’s nothing wrong with that
In the early years of Ireland
Names were an indication of your parentage
But not the same way as today
Today, children take your last name
Depending on the mother’s decision
It’s normally the father’s last name
But more recently it could be either, or both, with a hyphen
My son’s friend has such a name, with father’s first
In the era of Brian Boru in Ireland
He was the son of Cennedi
He went by Brian Mac Cennedi
Meaning Brian son of Cennedi
Later generations adopted O’Brian
Which means son of Brian
Cennedi eventually became Kennedy
So we know that O, and Mac mean “son of”
And you should know that Fitz also means this
Gerald Fitzgerald is Gerald son of Gerald
Makes you wonder how Fitzgibbon came about
Who calls their child Gibbon?
No doubt a more literal son of translation is son on the end
Like Ferguson or Robertson or Masterson or Patterson
But then who calls their child Master or Patter?
Nothing wrong with the idea, just curious how it started
My name is not a hyphenated version of Mother’s and Father’s
But I do have both their surnames
I use my Mother’s as my middle name
Middle names are important to a parent more than a child
Using them to call the child means they’re in trouble
You ask Bobby Jones to stop doing something he wont hear you
You ask Bobby Jeremiah Jones, and he’ll stand at attention!
My own name has versions in other languages
Yours probably does too
Jean in French, Ivan in Russian, Juan in Spanish and Iain in Gaelic
It is likely also Johann in German and/or Austrian
Despite many people believing my name to be Jonathan
It never has been and never will be
One work colleague calls me John, no than
Very few are allowed to call be Johnny, and one calls be John John
In sports it tends to be shortened to J.R.
As several Johns play sports, it’s just easier to go by letters.
Do you ever wonder about people you only know by initials?
Most of them will be a J
J.P., J.D., J.F., J.C., J.R., J.T., J.L. etc.
Jefferson Patterson? Jeremiah Douglas? James Frank? Jeremy Clark?
Johnson Robert? Jennifer Teresa? Janet Leslie?
It could be anything at really
Even Jet Plane, Jump Diva, Junior Fish, Jericho Crash, Jeep Renegade,
Japan Trinidad, or Jersey Louisiana
How will you know unless you ask?

Spot the Moron

SPOT THE MORON
By John Ross Harvey

The light is green; the traffic beyond the intersection is stopped
The moron is the one entering the intersection
It’s raining, and you’re driving
The moron is the one without headlights
It’s snowing, and you’re driving
The moron is the one driving a snowbank
The light turns red
The moron is the one three cars back that thinks he can make it!
The lane is ending
The moron is the one still in that lane
The sirens are blaring
The moron is the guy that doesn’t pull over, or turns in front
You live in a very large apartment building, and somebody honks
Guess who’s the moron
You’re driving and the guy in front of you has a brake light on
It goes out when he brakes
You guessed it, another moron
It’s a two-lane road, traffic, and parking
A few ungeniuses think the space between parked cars is for passing
No doubt about it, more morons.
The store has a big sign at the door:” No parking - Fire lane”
The one that parks there is the moron
How much will you bet they drive a grey car?
But what does moron stand for?
Mostly Obnoxious Reject Or Nobody

Where are the Good People?

WHERE ARE THE GOOD PEOPLE?
By John Ross Harvey

There was a time when people could say “Hi.” To a stranger
But never, if you were a child.
There was a time when everyone obeyed signage
Today ignorant people park in fire lanes
And steal handicapped spaces
Or straddle the lines to give their vehicle space!
An Exacto blade could fix these people in a hurry
To either the tires or the paint job
Have fun explaining that to the cops.
A turn signal is a courtesy that drivers should use
So other drivers understand their intentions
Today I was practically driven into by a
Moron in a Neon that wanted to turn
Left from a right lane
The only reason we’re both not dead
Is because I am a way better driver
I know how mirrors work
And I hate silver grey cars
Being hit by one would have proved my
Opinion on their lack of visibility
Good people don’t try to kill strangers
Good people say “Hi!”
Good people can signal, and can read
Good people carry Exacto blades for emergencies

The In Crowd

THE IN CROWD
By John Ross Harvey

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known somebody
If they have a status that makes them feel important
They do not share that importance with just anyone
They have their friends
The In Crowd
What is the In Crowd?
People that suck up to the boss
People with no backbone
People that answer “Yes” all the time
I’m not in the In Crowd
I might be in the Out Crowd but I’m not sure
I move the scissors beside the fridge
Because they are for cutting milk bags
That are located in the fridge
The In Crowd must believe that the scissors
Should be in the basket full of paper packages
Which is where I find the scissors
Before I put them where they’re supposed to be
Near the fridge where milk bags need cutting
Not in the bare hand easily ripped paper package basket
The In Crowd just had a wine party
I like wine, I didn’t get any
I’m not in the In Crowd
I’m happy being different
The In Crowd is not worth being in.

GREY SOCIETY

GREY SOCIETY
By John Ross Harvey

I’ve come to the conclusion
That colour is not what most people like
People are fascinated with GREY
Not just one type of grey
But every possible shade of GREY
Between all white and all black
Our roads are grey concrete or grey asphalt
Unless it’s still black and really new
Our buildings are GREY concrete
Or covered in glass which reflects GREY skies
Everybody and their brother’s uncle
Drives a GREY shade of car
Not just one GREY, but all of them!
The only colour around is green grass, and trees
But the trunks are GREY!
I POSITIVELY HATE GREY!
I drive a Blue car
Do you want to know why????
Because I can see it! You can see it!
NOBODY CAN SEE A GREY CAR ON A GREY DAY!
The sky is grey, the road is grey, and their pathetic car is GREY!
IT’S INVISIBLE!
Find a bloody light switch and SHOW UP!
STOP BEING GREY!
I hate grey so much; my hair isn’t even GREY!
It’s just not there anymore.
Actually I lied; there is one GREY I like
EARL GREY!

PEOPLE I CAN DO WITHOUT-ODE TO GEORGE CARLIN

PEOPLE I CAN DO WITHOUT-ODE TO GEORGE CARLIN
By John Ross Harvey

I can do without those people that do Old Navy commercials
That’s as much acting, as I’m not bald
People that use a mini-tire on the highway
When you’re tire blows maybe then you’ll learn how to read
People that wire their own taillights on their cars
Their brake light is on, until they use them, then it’s the reverse light!
People that park in a fire lane
Big sign, large fines, 4000 spots to choose from,
But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you need to prove you’re a prick.
People that order small coffees
It’s about a swallow and a half for about a $1
The water fountain is free, there’s about the same amount of coffee.
Vegetarians that tell meat-eaters to eat better
We do eat better.
Meat is better. That’s why we eat it!
If all the meat-eaters stopped eating meat,
We’d all be deprived of valuable oxygen
Because there would be no plants left to create any.
Meat eaters are a valuable service to mankind
Oxygen is available, because we prefer meat to plants.
People that buy the whole grocery store and line up in the express cash
The word “MORON” could not be more visible
People that like the colour Grey or silver
They even buy cars in those colours
But they’re not colours, there is no colour at all,
They may as well be invisible
And they are, because none of them know how to turn their lights on.
People that rob a bank with their pinky in the pocket
You should know Steve Segal is going to whip your ass!

Blood Types

Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

I thought I'd bring this back as this topic was discussed in
the last episode of HOUSE

BLOOD TYPES
By John Ross Harvey

There are 4 basic blood types
A, B, AB, and O
A can accept blood from A and O
B can accept blood from B and O
AB can accept blood from A, B, AB & O
O can accept blood from just O
Then you have to worry about + or – types
But basically if you’re an AB type, receiving blood is easy
Its not difficult as a match is not required.
Hollywood doesn’t get this. There’s always a story
About a person in need of blood, but has an AB blood type.
An exact match is not required.
O must be matched.
Thankfully the majority of us are O type.
Carnivores.
We prefer steak to vegetables.
Our meat is better bloody.
But wait, what type of blood did the cow have?
Then you have blood doping
A Cyclist claims that an unborn twin’s blood has entered his bloodstream.
Hence duplicating the effect of a blood doping.
This bizarre theory is called a Chimera.
Not only does he claim this, but one of his teammates does also.
Personally I think it’s in that Energy Drink
Why’s it called RED BULL anyway?

Greatness

GREATNESS
By John Ross Harvey

Greatness is usually associated with someone in sports
Or perhaps a singer, or an actor of good repute.
Generally the news media will make it a top story.
Andre Agassi, by no means Tennis’ greatest
Had front-page coverage of his retirement.
Damon Allen just became the most successful
Quarterback in North America, and got the front-page.
He hasn’t retired.
Michael Schumacher announced his retirement.
Many argue he is the greatest race driver ever.
Many argue against this opinion, like myself.
Toronto Star, caption on Sports front-page,
Story on page 2 of Sports.
Globe and Mail, briefly acknowledged in
Racing column on page 3 of Sports
Perhaps having a large number of his wins
Handed to him by his teammates
Make him a less respected sports figure.
I would agree with that.
Jacques Villeneuve said that he would
Not be remembered.
I don’t think he’s far wrong.
Page 1 of Sports was Canadian Open coverage
It wasn’t even Tiger Woods
Probably the only sports figure making more
Money than Michael Schumacher
The least sportsmanlike driver
In the history of motorsport.
Maybe now I can cheer for Ferrari
I have not since 1996
Well briefly cheered for Eddie in 1999
But as a rule, have not rooted
For Ferrari since he’s been there
And I live in Canada’s Ferrari fan capital
I will be cheering his departure
Regardless of a championship being handed over.

Traffic Phrases - Volume II

TRAFFIC PHRASES-VOLUME II
By John Ross Harvey

Fog, rain, poor visibility
The silver grey car in front of you has no lights
“Grey car, grey road, grey sky, no lights, no brain!”

Darkness, by weather or by loss of sunlight
The black car ahead of you has no lights
“Black car, black road, black sky,
No lights at night, no brain in sight!”

Snow
The vehicle in front of you is indistinguishable
From a snowbank
“Mobile Snowbanks Defroster Dunces, and the Wipers Only Brigade!”
“Snow Not On Windows Brush Remainder Unbelievably Simple Huh?”

Fog
The vehicle in front is lightless yet again
“No lights in Fog, brains of a Log!”

Rain
Yet more vehicles without lights
“No lights in rain, no driver with a brain!”
“Headlights work, you don’t!”
“The reason a light bulb is associated with brains;
You need brains to use them!”
“Lights on moron!”


“Drive without lights, prove your stupidity today!”

“No lights at night, prove your stupidity tonight!”

People that get my humour are already smart enough to use headlights
Those that don’t will never find a switch in their lifetime.

Seen Everything?

SEEN EVERYTHING?
By John Ross Harvey

You know that one moment that happens
And the sheer ridiculous nature of it
Makes you say
“I’ve seen everything.”
I had one of those moments this weekend
My neighbour in the Fire Hall house
Had several satellite dishes on his wall
He took them all down
Then we saw him attach something to
His children’s playing structure
What did he attach?
A very much bigger satellite dish
To his kid’s playing structure
“I’ve seen everything!”

Neighbour's Houses

NEIGHBOUR’S HOUSES
By John Ross Harvey

There are many odd looking houses on my street
Either by what is an attempt to renovate them
Or simply the original design
Colour is the most striking contrast between them
My wife has given nicknames to a few
The tall red house beside us is the Fire Hall
The big ugly grey house across the street
Is the National Library of Congress
My house is perfect
Another tall stucco house needs a name
I’ll call it the Mausoleum
There are 2 shades of pink houses between
The Mausoleum and mine
Pink Portico and Pink Porch perhaps
Will name them effectively
One neighbour has been building a
Landscape block wall all summer long
It is now The Great Wall of China

Priorities

PRIORITIES
By John Ross Harvey

When I worked in government
Work had priorities assigned
In the private sector
Where I have been for many years
Priorities are subject to interpretation
These will range from 0-10
In high to low priority respectively
My main boss is senior partner in the company
All requests by him are Priority 1
All VP requests are priority 1.5
All sub manager requests are priority 2
All sub sub manager requests are priority 3
All sub sub managers working for main boss are priority 1.25
All requests by president are 0.5
All requests by people that shouldn’t be requesting are priority 4
All requests from left field are priority 5
All requests from right wing are priority 6
All requests from dead centre are priority 5.5
All requests from the back 40 are priority 7
All requests from the straight and narrow are priority 8
All personal requests are priority 9
All ultra personal requests are priority 0

Autocad

Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
For all the many drafters at Focus Fanatics

AUTOCAD
By John Ross Harvey

I am a Draftsman or Draughtsman that uses AutoCad
I started in the Dark ages of 1987
We used version 2.3 on orange screens
Next year we had colour on version 9!
After graduating Architecture Technology in 1988
Most of the workforce had no idea what Autocad was.
I was hand drafting until 1992.
Then I was sent by my employer to learn Autocad 12.
Autocad 12 was so good it wasn’t replaced by 13 until about 1995.
Autocad 14 showed up around 1997,
And LT97 and LT98 were less expensive options.
Neither of those ever equaled 12 for ease of use.
2000 came out next; lets not call it 15, just 2000.
This was more like 12, plus a few nice features.
2002 was identical, 2004 –5 were newer still.
Nobody in his or her right mind actually pays to own this.
Most companies can write off a few thousands for it
The average guy cannot.
There are three ways of using Autocad
Tablet users are an eccentric bunch, everything in its place.
Mouse users create buttons galore to only use their mouse.
Keyboard-mouse users like myself make hundreds of short key commands
In order to avoid carpel tunnel from mouse pointing all the time.
I’ve always found this last style faster.
The only problem is certain keyboard keys if missed slightly
Create entirely different outcomes.
2@<45 is very different from 22,45
22,45 is a defined location, exact coordinates
2@<45 is a relative location from its starting point 2 units at 45 degrees.
Imperial is easier to work with, because an inch is an inch not a foot
Metric units could be millimeters, centimeters, or meters
It all depends on the creator of the drawing.
Conversion to imperial could be simple if Metric were always one unit.
Sadly even though it is base 10 and simple, 1,10, and 100 do not all equal.
How much simpler life would be if it were easy.
AutoCad was never meant to be easy.
A DWG isn’t a DWG in every version; it’s a v2000 DWG or v2004 DWG
A JPG universal it is not.
That’s why it changes every two years and costs $1000’s
In the immortal words of Survivor’s Rupert
WE BE PIRATES!

SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON-ODE TO PAUL REISER

SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON-ODE TO PAUL REISER
By John Ross Harvey

One of the best Sitcoms ever on TV
Mad About You starring Paul Reiser
Had taken a movie theme
Six Degrees of Separation
And changed it for Kevin Bacon
Of which nearly everyone could
Become within Six Degrees.
My radio station just asked for anyone
To tell of your brush w/ fame
And one of the people I met
The late great James Doohan
Gave me 3 degrees of Kevin Bacon
James Doohan and Christian Slater were in ST-VI
Christian Slater was in Murder in the First
With Kevin Bacon
John Harvey-James Doohan-Christian Slater-Kevin Bacon
3 degrees
How many do you have?

Good For You

GOOD FOR YOU
By John Ross Harvey

When I was young
My parents told me to eat my vegetables
They were good for me
Well, I agreed on carrots and corn
But nothing else
I have added squash and broccoli over my lifetime
Green beans are only edible hot
Peas are never happening.
Today what’s good for you has changed
Stuff I never heard of before
Is now what advertisers say is good.
Omega-3
Pro-biotic culture
Say what?
Omega-3 sounds like a space super hero
Pro-biotic culture sounds like
A say yes to robots consortium
What did they call this when we were young?
Omega-3 is apparently fish oil
Cod liver perhaps
But what is a pro-biotic culture?
Found in yoghurt of all things
Programmed Bionic Tics?
I’m not eating that!

Architecture

ARCHITECTURE
By John Ross Harvey

To most of the world previous to the year 1992 AD
Architecture meant one thing
Buildings
Offices, Malls, Towers, Houses, etc.
After this time
Computer Networks have labeled themselves
As System Architecture
And Hiring System Architects
When you are an unemployed draftsman
And the only Architecture listed in the Classifieds
Is Computer system networks
You tend to get a little ANGRY!!!!!!!
Architecture also has controversy
The title of World’s Tallest Building is a major contention
Canadians agree that the CN Tower is
And rightfully so at 1,816ft it is.
Americans claim that Sears has been since 1974 at 1,736ft
Or 1,450 ft without the antenna
Because their claim is that a Structure is not a Building
And that CN is a Structure and an Antenna
But Sears is allowed to include their antenna
Or discount CN as a structure
It’s really just a loser’s way to cheat
Not including antennas
Petronas towers 1 and 2 are 1,483 ft
And Taipei 101 is 1,473 ft.

A breakdown to denounce CN as a building is as follows according to aaskyscrapers.com:

Title Building Location Height
Tallest building to the structural or architectural top. Taipei 101 Taipei 1,671 ft (509m)
Tallest building to the highest occupied floor. Taipei 101 Taipei 1,437 ft (438m)
Tallest building to the top of the roof. Taipei 101 Taipei 1,473 ft (449m)
Tallest building to the top of antenna. Sears Tower Chicago 1,736 ft (529m)
Tallest Structure KTHI TV-Tower Fargo (ND) 2,063 ft (629m)
Tallest free standing structure Petronius Platform Petronius field 2,000 ft (606m)
Tallest free standing structure on land CN Tower Toronto 1,816 ft (554m)

Define a building then
Can you live, work, eat and sleep in it?
By that definition you are limited to Condos and residences
Can you walk on floors in it?
By that definition CN is a building
Agreed a TV tower is an antenna structure
CN does have one within it
So do all the other buildings laying claim to its title
The oil platform is mostly below water, so discount it for now.
If Fargo wants to call its antenna a building
Many would disagree with that
Eiffel Tower was a structure also, but you can walk in it
It has floors and held the World’s Tallest Building title for many years.
Suddenly as Sears was beaten by CN in a matter of months
The definition suddenly changed to allow Sears to hold the title
Visit the CN Tower homepage and you will find very differently
That it has been recognized since 1996, though in reality it was 1975.

http://www.cntower.ca/portal/SmartDefault.aspx?at=943

People have a real difficulty losing to Canada
That’s why many race fans hate Jacques Villeneuve
Even though they adore his late father.
If Canada wins, the competition aim to change the rules
That is why many illogical minded associations and the like
Still to this day claim that CN tower is not a building.
Like the above chart, ridiculous beyond words.
Face it, reality sucks, unless you win.
You lost to Canada; deal with it.

PLUTO-THE NON-PLANET

PLUTO-THE NON-PLANET
By John Ross Harvey

The Astronomical Society has officially
Demoted Pluto from a Planet to a Dwarf
It was already in a different orbital plane
From the other planets
So now it’s not a planet
Will Disney change the name of the dog
From Pluto to Dwarf Pluto?
What about the moons of larger planets
The Gas Giants of Jupiter and Saturn
Have moons bigger than Earth and Mars
Do they now get upgraded to Planet status
Because Pluto is a Dwarf?
Will Mercury be demoted?
What does it take to keep your status as a planet?
An I.D. card?
Your orbit is off-kilter; you can’t be a planet anymore!
At least Pluto is having fun
Not spinning endlessly on the same path
Pluto deserves respect
Tell those Astronomers that you believe in Pluto
The Happy Planet!

REDNECKS-ODE TO JEFF FOXWORTHY

REDNECKS-ODE TO JEFF FOXWORTHY
By John Ross Harvey

I’m not pretending to be Jeff Foxworthy
I love his Redneck stuff
And his other stuff
Just bought Blue Collar Boys last DVD
But there is a perception that all Rednecks
Live in the Southern US of A
No
There is a perception that all Rednecks
Watch NASCAR
No, but a few drive NASCAR
There was a Welsh-Canadian guy
Formerly of Air Farce before he passed away
That did Mike… from Canmooooooooore
That’s in Alberta
That was a Canadian Redneck
Red Green is a Canadian Redneck
He has more uses for Duct Tape than MacGuyver
Now that Juan Pablo Montoya will drive NASCAR
He becomes a Columbian Redneck
If Jacques Villeneuve joins him
He’ll become a French-Canadian Redneck that lives in Monaco
Christian Fittipaldi became a Brazilian Redneck and
Adrian Fernandez became a Mexican Redneck
When they joined NASCAR
The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is another Redneck
That also drives NASCAR
Paul Tracy didn’t have to drive NASCAR to become a Redneck
He lives in Arizona
His neck is always Red
He also has a title fight every race he hits somebody
That happens a lot
There is no rule for where you have to be to be a Redneck
NASCAR just helps bring out the inner Redneck
I’m going to go watch some F1.

Beef

BEEF
By John Ross Harvey

Beef is an Acronym for itself
Beef Extremely Excellent Food
Beef makes Money
Fast Food Restaurants love Beef
10 Billion Burgers and Counting
Fancier Restaurants love Beef
Nothing better than a Prime Rib
Or a Juicy Steak
Mad Cow Disease changes this
In 1996 on my tour of Britain
We ate lots of Chicken
Because British Beef was under a Mad Cow Ban
We immediately went to McDonalds in Ireland
Every time a Cow is found to have Mad Cow
All Beef production is banned from Export
Whether the Cow got Mad Cow in Canada or NOT
As was the case of the Cow found in the USA
But it was born in Alberta
So it must have been born with Mad Cow
That’s USA logic for you
It’s sick so it was born that way
Not it’s sick here, so we have a problem
No we bought it from Canada so it’s their problem
I’d much rather eat Beef from Canada than the USA
At least we know when Mad Cow happens
As opposed to claiming where it happens
Alberta Beef
Nothing Better
It never entered the Food Chain
Apparently that fact went over their heads
So some Beef producers are selling Burgers
At their own restaurant
Because American ones can’t do Logic
Do Canadians a favour
Buy Beef and eat it too!

Pork

PORK
By John Ross Harvey

Pork is a universal catchphrase for Pig meat
Bacon, Ham, Pork Chops, Pork Ribs, Pig Feet, Pig Tail
All are Pork
All are amazingly good to eat
Bacon can be added to virtually anything
Yet the Pork industry markets itself as
The Other White Meat
Chops, yes, perhaps
Ham is quite pink
Bacon is mostly pink
Yet you cannot eat a Pink chop
Because you’ll get food poisoning
Pork is a pain in the rump

Chicken

CHICKEN
By John Ross Harvey

Chicken can be many things
A name associated with cowardice
A misplaced moniker for Tuna
But generally it’s tasty meat
Fried is very tasty and KFC makes millions on it
Roasted is also tasty
Rotisseried or BBQ’d is also very good
Boiled is Bland and Boring
Chicken is White Meat and Dark Meat
Many prefer one to the other
Meat lovers like me eat both
But Swiss Chalet Rotisserie w/ sauce
Is heavenly
Maybe that’s why they burn the wings?

Screwdrivers

SCREWDRIVERS
By John Ross Harvey

I’m not talking about Vodka and Orange Juice
I’m talking about the common tool
The screwdriver
There are 3 main types
Standard or Flat Head
Phillips or Cross Head
Robertson or Square Head
First and foremost throw away the first two
They are 100% useless
The best way to destroy a screw is for that screw
To be a Phillips or Standard head
Robertson’s don’t get destroyed; they work!
There are 3 main colours to identify a Robertson
Black, Red, and Green, for Big, Medium, and Small
If you are a Screwdriver Producer
Like Craftsman or Snap-On or whoever
DO NOT MAKE USELESS SCREWDRIVERS THOSE COLOURS!
When you are looking for a real screwdriver
And ask for the Red one, you shouldn’t get a Flat Head!
Yellow, Blue, or Orange are OK
NEVER USE BLACK, RED, OR GREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!
For all the toy and furniture companies
An Allen Key or Hex-head is OK, thanks IKEA
But if you want to use real screws
USE ROBERTSONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Flat Head and Cross Head are OBSOLETE!!!!!!!
Never use them ever again!
Now I need a Screwdriver.
The Vodka variety.

COUNTRY SONG FOR MY LIFE

COUNTRY SONG FOR MY LIFE
By John Ross Harvey

Face it; no music format does life stories better than Country
There are more autobiographical hits there than any format
So I’ll write one here for me, and any musicians
Reading it that put it to music, are my new best friend(s).

“Born in a Steel Town”

I was born in a Steel Town
Raised near a Candy Factory
Moved to a Small Town
With a Small Phone Directory
I went to School
I moved Away
Bought a House
I’m here to Stay

Chorus:
Small Town Boy
Works in the Big City
Works for far less than he should
Trying to improve that if he could
When that happens you know he would

College life was sort of fun
All-nighters for many but not this one
Deans list honours did I get
My final semester you’d never bet
My first apartment
My first car
All my friends
Hoping to become a Star

Chorus (repeat)

Working life was tough and mean
Several times were really lean
Out of work more than once
Not my choice as I’m no dunce
Architects that couldn’t draw
Cinemas with a management flaw
Government course to
Computer consultants I never saw

Chorus (repeat)

My next company made airplanes
And now I’m with a Contractor
Drawing until I go insane
Time is always a factor
I took a course in comedy
As I needed a little brevity
Writing for my blog
Sure relieves the stress in me

Chorus (repeat)

Years ago I took a course
In an auto racing school
Lots of funds
For so much fun
In a sport where money rules
Have my own helmet
Go karting for charity
F1 would be better with me

Chorus (repeat)

Now I’m hoping to write a book
Of all my comedy
And produce a board game
Traffic related because that’s me
I don’t claim to be George Carlin
My game is not like Cranium
The Blue Collar boys could be my friends
My goals may never end

Chorus (final)

Addiction Volume II

ADDICTION VOLUME II
By John Ross Harvey

No doubt you’ve noticed your newspaper
It has always had puzzles
Crossword, Jumble, Word Search etc.
All letter puzzles
Until recently
Sudoku
So addictive it gets it’s own page.
9 x 9 grid w/ number 1-9
1-9 per row horizontal
1-9 per column vertical
1-9 per 3 x 3 box
My wife insisted I try it
Being a numbers person
Well, I’m hooked
I may not always succeed
But I plug away
And erase away
They bought me the electronic handheld
It comes with a light pen
The easy levels are better
They tell you what’s wrong
The hard levels are still too hard
Because they don’t
Perhaps a 16 x 16 grid is next stage
But an 8 x 8 would be better.

Food Rules

FOOD RULES
By John Ross Harvey

Ketchup is for children under 10
It doesn’t belong on eggs or grilled cheese sandwiches
I do not need therapy

Mandarin oranges belong in Jell-O
Other oranges can be eaten as is

Steak must be eaten first to prevent it from becoming overdone
Well done is an oxymoron, it isn’t
Medium rare is a perfectly done steak

Vegetables must be eaten first
Unless it’s a steak dinner

Mixed foods are not allowed unless you created that mix
And actually enjoy it
Cranberries and Rice are a perfect example of a mix I enjoy
Ketchup and Eggs never will be

Chocolate is always welcome

Potato chips (crisps to some) are very addictive and
The bags are too small

I must wait for allergy-affected friends of my children to leave
Before I eat any Peanut product, and so should you.
I could eat peanuts for hours, but not while they are around.

Pizza requires meat and cheese
Vegetables are already accounted for in the tomato sauce.
That’s enough.

Burgers require cheese and bacon, not lettuce and tomato.

Salad isn’t food.
According to John Pinette it’s a promisary note that food will arrive.
Meat is food.

Carb counters hate bread
I love bread, especially Rye bread or Pumpernickel
I don’t count carbs

Fried potatoes, (home fries or French fries (chips) to some)
Baked potatoes, or Mashed are acceptable w/ a meat meal
Scalloped is not
In Ireland however you might get all of these

Anything you can count must be divided evenly
If there are 21 Smarties, you must make 22
And if the colours are not even, you have to fix that too

It costs $25 to feed a family at McDonald’s and still be hungry
It costs $26 for an overpriced Pizza and a 32oz Coke at Wonderland
We were no longer hungry
Imagine if we bought the Pizza elsewhere?
It might have been $14.

Exercise in Futility

EXERCISE IN FUTILITY
By John Ross Harvey

Today we were being photographed for a company booklet
Or some such thing
Our Manager had us meet for the photographer
Who was late
And the photographer would not shoot
Until the Marketing guy was there
Since there are about 10 of really busy
We left after this point
We can’t wait around for some guy to show up
We have work to do
The marketing guy wanted to have our picture
In front of the Cappuccino machine
Granted as a draftsman many of them need the caffeine
But that is not our work environment
We took our picture at our reference/drawing table
Holding “props”
I held tracing paper, but was not allowed to move my arm
To my back
This was an exercise in futility
We work in front of a computer screen like everyone else
These photos will look staged
Because they are
Next we’ll be holding Blueprints!

The Three R's

THE THREE R’S
By John Ross Harvey

The three R’s have never been Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic
Because that’s an R, W, and an A
The three R’s of today are Reduce, Reuse, Recycle
Since everything costs more, and my salary has not improved
Reduce is how one must survive
Reuse depends on the product, but Popcorn buckets from
The Cinemas are very handy
Recycle, plastic, cans, newspaper, cardboard
I do try to put all of this out
My daughter is more into the Reuse portion
Any recyclable product not sent to the bin
Will be reused by my daughter and turned into
Some kind of toy house for any of her toys
And left all over the house
If I ask if I can throw it out in the recycling
I get the sad face with puppy dog eyes
So I have to sneak it out when she’s not looking
Invariably she’ll create these the day before
Recycling gets picked up
And I have to wait for a week
When I was young we just read the boxes
That’s also an R

Blackout 2003 Anniversary

BLACKOUT 2003 ANNIVERSARY
By John Ross Harvey

August 14 2003, around 4:10 pm Eastern
The Entire East Coast lost power
From Montreal down to Texas
From what I can remember
As I seem to have a knack for avoiding major catastrophes
I was already on highway home when this hit
I suddenly had no radio
Though my town was back up by 2am next morning
Most of Toronto was not for close to 3 days
It was a great night to BBQ
And one of the best steaks I ever cooked
What do you remember? Where were you when it hit?

Traffic Phrases

TRAFFIC PHRASES
By John Ross Harvey

When people block an intersection say the following:

“If you don’t fit, don’t be a twit.”
“Blocking the intersection; means your brain has malfunctioned.”
“If you can’t cross it, don’t block it.”

If somebody tries to drive around you in a lane full of parked cars
Say the following:

“Funny thing about traffic, people don’t tend to park in the left lane.”
“Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putz!”
“You mean to tell me way up high in your SUV, you cannot see a parked car?”

If your in a turning lane and someone drives around you from a non-turning lane
To make a turn, say the following:

“Do you suffer from Directional Deficit Disorder?”
“What planet are you from that turning right from a left lane is normal?”
“Your inability to read a road sign is only equaled by your lack of intelligence.”

If somebody uses an escape lane which is ending quickly to pass cars that are obeying the
Rules of the road say the following:

“Does the picture indicating your lane has ended not big enough for your poor vision?”
“Lost Lane Loser!”
“The only thing you’re proving is your stupidity.”

If a car lane hops from left to right and back and forth to get positively nowhere
Say the following:

“Lane hopping increases your travel distance.”
“Staying in one lane is faster.”
“Cutting people off only increases your enemies.”
“You must be drunk, you can’t even drive straight.”
“What has your car done to you, that you increase its probability to crash?”

When a smoker throws his butt out the window
Say the following:

“The world is not your ashtray!”
“My tires don’t appreciate your litter.”
“Stick your butt up your own!”

When a “Ricer” drives around manhole covers in front of you
Say the following:

“If you didn’t drop your car your paint wouldn’t get scratched.”
“It’s only a HONDA, it’s not special.”
“Driveway curbs must be like Mt. Everest if a manhole is too high!”
“Fast and Furious was a joke, not a lifestyle.”
“Your brake lights are PINK!”

Career Comparison

CAREER COMPARISON
JACQUES VILLENEUVE VS. MICHAEL SCHUMACHER
By John Ross Harvey

Michael Schumacher:

1991 Given ride in Jordan at Spa, qualified well and retired while his teammate DeCesaris practically won that race before he retired. Was stolen by Benetton after that event.
1992 Had a reasonable showing but no match for Mansell and Williams
1993 Prost and Williams were much better, managed to win eventually
1994 Against Hill at Williams in Illegal Benetton car won races and hit Hill to take title
1995 Team acquired same engines as Williams, won more races, and championship. Teammates were subservient from this point on.
1996 Hill and Villeneuve were class of field at Williams, Michael now at Ferrari.
1997 In final race of season he attempted to take out Villeneuve for title but lost having all of his points removed for the season
1998 McLaren now class of field, won a few events
1999 Accident early in season promotes Irvine to #1 at Ferrari, Michael’s return helps Irvine in championship to a point, but his sudden inability to win final race over Hakkinen makes Hakkinen champion again, unwilling to give Irvine 1st Ferrari WDC in 20 years.
2000 Indestructible Ferrari dominates giving Michael 3rd championship
2001 Yet another Ferrari domination and title #4
2002 Ferrari so dominant that Michael steals setups and racecar from Rubens on several occasions and only helps Rubens achieve 2nd rather than race him outright as the car suited Rubens better than himself and had Rubens move many times but none worse than Austria fiasco.
2003 Team orders ruled illegal but Ferrari adjust pit stops to allow Michael domination within team. New point system allows Raikonnen to almost take title with just 1 win.
2004 More dominant than 2002 and title #7
2005 Renault strong out of the box, Ferrari’s only win at Indianapolis fiasco. Funny that fiascos and Schumacher’s Ferrari go hand in hand. Alonso champion.
2006 After various rule changes to favour Ferrari, Renault and Alonso lead are slipping away as Schumacher closes with a few race wins in a row. Hungary shows he’s lost it. Blocking drivers and cutting chicanes without ever getting penalized, retires but inherits a point after a BMW is disqualified.

Jacques Villeneuve:

1993 Finishes 3rd in Formula Atlantic behind teammate and David Empringham
1994 Promoted to CART (Champcar) wins rookie title.
1995 Wins many races including Indy500 but drove 505 with a 2 lap penalty and wins CART championship
1996 Joins Williams in F1, grabs pole and almost wins in debut race, but for an oil leak. Keeps title battle between Hill and himself, Hill wins after Jacques loses a wheel.
1997 Dominant over new teammate Frentzen, wins title after Schumacher attempts to remove him in final race, gifts Hakkinen his first win with Coulthard’s help.
1998 Williams use customer Mechachrome engines, which are no match for McLaren. Very poor results.
1999 Joins BAR (Pollack team bought Tyrrell) in order to develop new team and has scoreless season.
2000 Yet another development year with poor results
2001 Manages a podium finish with improved BAR Honda
2002 Ferrari untouchable
2003 Poor reliability issues and personal vendetta by team boss David Richards forces Jacques to retire and be replaced by Sato at BAR
2004 Out most of season returns for final 3 events at Renault and out qualifies Alonso once, and beats Schumacher on track once, but scores no points against former team BAR
2005 Joins Sauber, and partnered with Massa, had measure of Massa near end of season but reliability had him finish with less points.
2006 Sauber bought by BMW, strong qualifying and a few better finishes against highly touted German teammate Heidfeld are not enough for team manager Theissen, who forces Jacques out of team after a race accident, to be replaced by Polish rookie Kubica, who was disqualified in his first race.

Me Society

ME SOCIETY
By John Ross Harvey

Today’s society is becoming very annoying
Everyone else thinks everything else is theirs
And theirs alone
My wife took our two kids, and one friend to the pool
The friend has Red Cross level 8, at age 9
For a 2-hour public swim, they paid to get in
A gatekeeper checked hand stamps, (never had gatekeeper before)
They swam in the shallow pool for about 1 1/2hrs
A lifeguard asks why my wife has three kids
“You can’t have three kids.”
There’s 20 minutes left
“This boy has level 8 Red Cross, he’s fine.”
“He needs to do two laps of the pool for me.”
Not exactly a public relations master
Also that same day
My son and his friend were using Diving rings
Another boy took them
And had his mother claim my son took them from him
Well my wife didn’t let that slide
Informed her that the rings (toys) are public not her son’s
Then she claimed my wife had attitude
If your child can manipulate you to do their dirty work
You are a bad parent
Regularly at this pool there are lockers, which require
Inserting a quarter to take the key
Many of these lockers are keyless, with lock engaged
In order to prevent door closure
As some people think that a PUBLIC locker
Is their PRIVATE property
The gatekeepers need to be checking for keys
Not hand stamps
And if a lifeguard can’t do their job for ¾ of their time
How did they become a lifeguard?

GET RICH QUICK

GET RICH QUICK
By John Ross Harvey

I’ve recently come across some items
That had I been in a position to do
Would have netted me some serious cash

Highway billboards
Facing two highways can net $100000/month
Pretty serious coin
Can I add one to my house’s roof? I shall investigate

Urinal pucks
Pretty much work until the urinal is used
How fresh to you think the air is
While they are being urinated upon
People buy these things
They cannot possibly be effective
Quick money for useless product

Taxi companies have rolling advertisements on their hubcaps
I have tried to convince some beer companies to use my wheels
But they declined my offer to advertise
I suppose there are more taxis than there are me
Shame really, as I’m much better at driving
I’d love to get some of that cash
Perhaps I need to clone myself

Selling phone service for less money than Bell
Just signed up for Rogers phone
The sales guy said it was the easiest pitch of his life
Same service, less money
He gets paid to sign us up, very well
Too bad I hate sales

What do you think is a quick money scheme?

Bad Parenting

BAD PARENTING
By John Ross Harvey


There are many example of bad parenting
The evidence is in the children
If they disrespect you or others, their parents are bad too
If they terrorize other children on their pocket bikes
Their bad parents handed over, as they are no more than a wallet
To their kids, and have zero parenting skills whatsoever
If the kids play on anybody’s lawn that isn’t their own
Without permission, it’s the bad parents to blame
There are many people you would expect to be a bad parent
Based on their projected persona
And very often you would be making a correct assessment.

I firmly believe that good parents respect their children
And other people’s children
They don’t speed in residential neighbourhoods
Or ignore school zones, or school buses.
They don’t pay off their children with motorized weapons.

I am glad to say that I am not a bad parent
I wish many of my neighbours were
Yet they continue to prove otherwise
By speeding, buying pocket bikes, and
Having their children play wherever they please
Without any permission

A child may get hurt or die by acting in that manner
Some parents have no heart at all.

Time Machine

TIME MACHINE
By John Ross Harvey

If you’re a book reader, this isn’t a new thing
Not only do books take you backwards or forwards in time
They often talk about devices that do so.
Fantasy or Science Fiction, really doesn’t matter.
Hermione in Harry Potter has a time machine in her watch.
In comics the Fantastic Four and Dr. Doom make regular travels
Using a time machine
Star Trek has used planetary catapulting to travel in time
In a Spider Robinson book Callahan’s Cross Time Saloon
A time traveler is someone that hasn’t experienced time
While being locked in prison, it can be a shock to any system
If they actually stay those 25 years.
Naturally there is one thing that anyone would change
Pandora’s box or Paradox whatever it’s called
When you mess with the past, will make the idea bad in a hurry.
There’s a guy in the news recently claiming to have such a device
Have your recollections changed?
Perhaps not.
But what if you went back in time to do something
And because you did it, the time machine no longer existed
What would you do?
I figure this is what would happen if I were able to
Prevent the creation of money.
Why would I do this?
Simple really, though we rely on it to live
All it really does it create poverty, and overly rich people with power.
Us normal folk in the lower end of the scale don’t much factor in.
Eliminating money, means everything you do is for
The pleasure of doing it, not the bills at each end of the month.
Quite frankly it’s the simplest answer to World Peace
Those that fight wars, are usually oppressed
By those with more Power, aka more Money.
If I were to succeed in this, and I have no idea where to begin,
It might just remove George W. Bush from power
That can’t be a bad thing.

Speaking In Code

SPEAKING IN CODE
By John Ross Harvey

At work, I have a coworker
That talks in code to me
To understand the code
You must realize we double-park our cars
And our code is regarding our location
Of our parked cars
In relation to each other.
We mutually agreed that we should
Park together so we always know
Who has to move or not.
If we are arranged in this manner
Our code is “We are good.”
If not “We are not good.”
To confirm we ask each other
“Are you good?”
If somebody else has parked to block us
“Who is good, if we are not good?”
If we know who they are
“Are they good?”
If they join the code
“They are also good.”

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

WHAT’S IN A NAME?
By John Ross Harvey

No doubt you’ve met people
That are very particular about their name
And how to pronounce it.
Like Satan the hockey player
He pronounces it Shitan, not SATAN!
I have similar reactions on my name.
My name is John, not Jonathan
Though one co-worker calls me John no “than”
There are 3 people allowed to call me the other John name
My childhood friend Ted
Steve at work
And my big brother
Nobody else can call me that name.
So don’t you try.

Vegans Vs. Carnivores

VEGANS VS. CARNIVORES
By John Ross Harvey

True vegans are plant only eaters
Various levels of vegetarians eat some forms of meat
Fish or even Bacon
But devout vegans abhor any form of animal life product
Claiming their choice is morally responsible
Allowing animal life to prosper
But killing every plant on earth is?
Plants create our oxygen
We need that to breathe
If vegans outnumbered carnivores (meat-eaters)
Our oxygen supply would diminish rapidly
And we’d have no life at all.
Meat-eaters are keeping the Earth balanced.
It’s an important job
Animals used for meat are usually well-aged anyway.
Unlike plants which are picked as soon as they grow
How morally responsible is that?
Where’s my steak?

Aggressive Personality

AGGRESIVE PERSONALITY
By John Ross Harvey

Perhaps you work with these people
Someone who; requires very little aggravation
To make them explode with anger.
Our Department Manager
Has this real problem using Xcel for a timesheet
He never can get it to work.
The Accounting Manager can’t read small print
He asks us to tell him, (our Manager) to fix his time sheet
Because we all fear his reaction.
This same man will be parked in the parking lot
Where we have to double-park
And will call one of us to have the car behind moved
He doesn’t care what type of car it is
And wont get out to look for you
He expects you to do this work for him
The work he does do is beyond many of us
So we give him leeway on not doing much else.
Personally I think it’s the cigarettes that make him this way

Hot Drinks In Summer

HOT DRINKS IN SUMMER
By John Ross Harvey


It is often said that hot drinks keep you cool
Raising your body temperature
So you feel cooler
As I drink tea practically all day
I find this is true
The opposite effect could be said for beer
Drink a cold beer in the winter
To lower your body temperature
In order to feel warm
But why would you drink it in the summer heat?
In the immortal words of Cliff Claven from Cheers
“What else are you going to do with it?”

Meetings

MEETINGS
By John Ross Harvey

Meetings are an Acronym
Mostly Extraneous Exhaustive Talk In Nothing General Suggested
We just scheduled a meeting for this large job at work
Weekly progress as it were
The host was detained in another meeting
Those present before it was cancelled
Talked about almost nothing really
What do meetings achieve?
Lost time in production
The longer the meeting
The less time there is to work
Meetings do not accomplish work
They create paperwork about the meeting
They distribute paperwork of a previous meeting
They prepare paperwork for the next meeting
So when are we meeting?

Magnetic Field Volume IV

MAGNETIC FIELD VOLUME IV
By John Ross Harvey

If you read my previous three volumes
You will know as a meat-eater I have iron rich blood
Which creates a large magnetic field in my left hand
I screw up compasses
I kill UPS systems, and perhaps alarms
And avoid bankcard theft.
But perhaps it has another benefit?
I seem to have very good luck with regard to disasters.
Though I travel to Quebec often
I was not there during the Ice Storm.
Though I live north of Toronto and work there
I wasn’t here for the massive Aphid swarm
We all know about Mel’s army
And the Snowstorm of 1998
Wasn’t here for that either.
I was in Quebec.
Most recently I took last Friday off to
Enjoy Wonderland’s Waterpark
Which allowed me to avoid
Traffic Chaos caused by a Train Derailment.
Though the Maritimes often receive
Hurricane aftermaths
None showed during my time there last summer.
As I will be away from Toronto at end of July
Expect something bad to happen
While I’m gone
Or come with me to avoid it!

Magnetic Field Volume III

Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

MAGNETIC FIELD VOLUME III
By John Ross Harvey

Like it or not, criminals are a devious bunch
With the new information age they can copy your cards.
Credit cards or Debit cards, whatever they can manage.
This is usually done at a card reader machine in stores
Forcing you to swipe more than once.
This happened to me recently.
My debit card was copied and an attempt to access my accounts failed.
The bank discovered the failure and called me in.
They issued me a new card and I created a new PIN #
But I have to wonder why they failed?
I’ll bet it was my Magnetic Field.
I knew it would benefit me one day!

Magnetic Field Volume II

originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com in 2005


MAGNETIC FIELD VOL. II
By John Ross Harvey

As I may have mentioned before
I possess a strong magnetic field
It messes up radio reception and watches.
The other day it messed up my work Computer.
While doing a simple task it decided to freeze.
This was presumably caused by overheating?
The fan went ballistic, so I pulled the plug.
I had to use another person’s Computer
And while doing the same simple task
It had three physical memory dumps.
I lost over a half hours worth of work.
Did I mention this guy’s computer had a UPS?
Uninterruptible Power Supply.
I guess when Magneto is about,
No power supply is uninterruptible.

BLOGS

BLOGS
By John Ross Harvey

What is a blog?
Well, it’s a Web-log without the We
The original blogs were diary style blurbs
About anything at all, by anyone that wrote them.
Sort of like this.
Mine is primarily devoted to Comedic writing
But on occasion I will cover a current event
Perhaps with some humour
I was encouraged to write one to get my comedy seen
There may be thousands like me
But I’m on DMOZ!
I may delve into a more SNL Weekend Update style
If I were inclined to read the headlines of the day.
That is what we performed in my Comedy Workshop
All classes, improve, sketch, stand-up and writing (mine),
Performed routines for the audience of peers and friends
The writing class did a Weekend Update format
With changing reporters
As this was summer of 2004 I chose sports headlines
The Lakers hired a new coach and Shaq was leaving.
In NASCAR a rookie messed up a win and had a contract dispute.
My Weekend Update lines were as follows:
“ The Lakers have hired Tomjanovich as Head coach;
Shaquille O’Neill will be traded because he can’t pronounce
Tomjanovich!”
“In NASCAR, Kasey Kahne lost to Tony Stewart and is being sued by
Ford for losing to a Chevy, while driving a Dodge!”
It may seem dated now, but that’s what happens to topical humour.
I prefer to make my humour timeless.
People will always drive badly, and I will always say why.
Tell it like it is, and was, and always will be.
Don’t just tell it like it is for the moment.
If we all drove properly, I’d have almost nothing to write.

Necessity: Mother of Invention

NECESSITY: MOTHER OF INVENTION
By John Ross Harvey

It’s been said that
Necessity is the Mother of Invention
The telegraph was created to communicate
Cross continent, or cross ocean
The telephone was created to converse
In the same manner
Film was created to bring movies to the people
The television was created to bring
Stage or movie style productions to the home
Cell phones were created to converse
From areas where landline phones don’t exist
Which by today’s standards is just your car.
Inventors created all of these items
Because they needed money.
I created this blog, hopefully to become a book
And a traffic based board game within the last year.
Why?
Because Necessity is the Mother of Invention
I have no money, but need money.
Books and board games generate money
As long as they get sold.

Gimmicks and Call Signs

Originally posted Sept. 3 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

GIMMICKS AND CALL SIGNS
By John Ross Harvey

Foxworthy has “Rednecks”
Engvall has “Here’s Your Sign”
Carlin has “Baseball Vs. Football”
Chris Rock has that “Jude Law” thing
Leno has a Chin
Letterman has the Top 10
Mine was going to be Acronyms
But I’ve evolved
You can only take a gimmick so far
Acronyms Can Run Over Nice Yellow Mercury Sedans
They’re called SUV’s
John Only Has Name
Have A Really Very Exceptional Yesterday
See What I Mean?
It can’t last forever, but some are priceless
Like Chevrolet
Crud Heaps Every Vehicle Rolls Off Line Extremely Terrible
Or BMW
Brain Membranes Went
Or Honda
How Often Nobody’s Driving Actually
But honestly most people hate Acronyms
They call them ASA’s
Another Stupid Acronym
Not much of a career gimmick choice
But If Rednecks and Signs work
There’s still hope for me.

The BORG Invasion

THE BORG INVASION
By John Ross Harvey


If you’re a Star Trek fan there are
Two possible timelines for the Borg Invasion
The 24th Century with Picard
Or the 21st Century also with Picard
Just watch Star Trek: First Contact
But as we are in the 21st Century now
It could be just a few years for Picard to save us.
TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The BORG is among us as we speak!
Everywhere you go there are people with
Odd-looking earpieces
In the streets, in the office, in their cars!
What do you mean we haven’t been invaded?
There’s Borg in my office now!
Blue-tooth?????????
What’s a Blue-tooth?
Wireless phone headset?
They’re not BORGS?
Oh.
Sorry for crying Wolf.
I’ve been updated.
Or have I?
Maybe it’s a Borg plot.
You decide.

The Big "V"

THE BIG “V”
By John Ross Harvey

To any married man
Complete with children
You know what the big “V” is
The operation required
To prevent further fatherhood.
Many that have had it discuss it
The intense agony, the pain
The need for bed rest
The giant parcel of frozen vegetables
The painkillers

I have one word for you whiners

WIMPS!

When the painkillers wore off, I took 1 Advil
The frozen parcel was used for less than an hour
Though was not required
I was riding a bike and gardening within hours.
Feel free to claim I’m lying.
I am not.

Attention Span

ATTENTION SPAN
By John Ross Harvey

The simplest questions to my son
Often come with convoluted non-answers
As he is sometimes zoned out
From TV or Gamecube
During the question period
I’ll ask if he wants Toast or Cereal for breakfast
“Yes.”
Which one?
“Ok.”
Toast or Cereal?
“Um, yeah.”
Jam or Peanut Butter?
“Peanut Butter.”
So it was Toast?
“Sure.”
To drink?
“Yes.”
Juice or Milk?
“Ok.”
Chocolate?
“Uh, huh, yeah.”
So it was Milk?
“Sure.”
When he asks me a question
He says: “Mom….uh, no I mean Dad?”

Sounding Board

SOUNDING BOARD
By John Ross Harvey

I’m not sure why, but many people enjoy my company
In conversation, whether I talk or not
I’ve always had a good ear
Complete strangers find me easy to converse with
People I’ve never met before in my life
Is it because I listen?
I wrote a poem several years ago; it goes as follows:

To speak is to be seen
To listen is to be heard
To say nothing is to be noble
To be noble is to be great
To be less than noble
Is the common man’s life
Thus speaks the common man.

It is impossible to be truly noble
To converse you need to make a response
Little though it may be.

If you truly enjoy the conversations
That person will become your friend
But most times they are just a stranger
You will never see again
So why make a bad impression?

Recently while in an autograph line
I chatted with a woman
That also gets migraines like I do
Though more severe
And since we were there an hour or so
I know all about her dog, her kids, her mom,
Her neighbourhood, her career.

While attending the Circus most recently
I had a discussion with somebody’s grandmother
Who was so disappointed at the chaos of the crowd, that
She brought up how organized the Markham Theatre was
During a fire alarm.

It’s very likely my most recent friendship
With a girl from work started off in this manner
She loves to talk, I love to listen
As she’s headed for a new country
We found common ground to converse
As I’d been there, and was reading about it
And I have internet buddies from the area.
After more conversations I discovered we grew up
Practically together in adjacent towns
Though I am 9 years her senior.

So, if you ever need someone’s ear
Mine is quite up to the task.
Even if we don’t know each other.

BACON

BACON
By John Ross Harvey

Let’s face it
Bacon is great
Side bacon, or back bacon (read Canadian or Pemeal)
There’s nothing better
It smells fantastic
It tastes even better
Even if it’s burnt to a crisp
It improves a hamburger
It makes chicken taste better
It does well on steak and scallops
It is pork, so it can’t really help other pork
It belongs in a Caesar salad
Is it much wonder the company I work for
Is spelled U R Bacon?

SCARS

SCARS
By John Ross Harvey

To many people Scars give character
But it really depends on the location
Most people don’t stare at your leg inseam
Or your heel
Which is where my large ones are
The heel was from a windshield wiper blade
As my brother thought it was ok for me to slide
The leg was from a log in a garden
As I had a paper route in my youth
I tended to short-cut lawns to deliver papers
And I gashed the inside of my leg
And played soccer about an hour later
The scar was so huge, some kids thought
My leg was reattached from an accident
I have another minor scar on my left middle finger
It reminds me of my first day at my current job
June 12 1997, the printer jammed
I reached in to fix the jam, and ripped my top knuckle
I still have the triangle to remind me
The next finger over has a round scar on the fingertip
Exacto blade in Architectural model class
Architecture were regulars in the nursing station
They saw my blood and said
“Architecture model class?”
My kids have scars too
My son cut his chin when he fell with a baby bottle years ago
My daughter crawled into my old computer desk
And has a mark on her forehead
Without scars, life would need better reminders.

Age Matters

AGE MATTERS
By John Ross Harvey

There are many things in life that are age restricted
After having taken a racing course in Mt Tremblant at age 23
I began saving to take a course in France called Winfield
Their age limit was 27
My plan was to save up for 3 years and go at 26
When I turned 26, I was laid off
And Winfield school reduced its age limit to 25
So not only couldn’t I afford it, I was now too old.
As I watched Discovery Channel the other night
There was a commercial for Starracer
A reality show looking for race drivers in Canada
Well I wrote down the email and expressed my desire
To be the next great Canadian racer
They responded with a link to the entry form
Which had all the rules and eligibility
Age 16-30
Yet again denied solely on the basis of my age.
I’m not 40 at heart
I’m much more like 16.
16 with 24 years experience.
So if you are a race team looking for an experienced
Driver complete with a race driver certificate
That has a spiffy Canadian themed helmet
And Age doesn’t matter
I’m your man!
At least the Indy 500 doesn’t discriminate
Anyone with the funds to show up
Can race there, after taking Indy Rookie School
Now all I really need is someone willing
To spend money, so I can do that.
As all other potential race opportunities in my life
Discriminated my age.

Math

MATH
By John Ross Harvey

Remember being in school
And thinking when will I ever use math?
Did you fail?
I see many drivers that must have.
At least the math known as Geometry
Because, they block intersections
So they obviously don’t know the size
Or the shape of their vehicle
In order to comprehend the mathematics
That suggest their vehicle will not fit!
It must be a sad life to think your SUV
Can fit in a 2” space
You’d have to be pretty bad at Math to think that
I was always good at math
I don’t block intersections because
I know the size of my car
And I can determine whether the time allows
Me the ability to cross before the light changes
And in the city of Toronto, it usually doesn’t
Because the intersection is already full
Of people that failed Geometry
Just go to Keele/Tretheway intersection
In morning rush hour to see many of them
In Woodbridge they are at Hawkview/Weston intersection
Right downtown they are at every Lakeshore intersection
Your vehicle has a shape, which is large
The white line you cannot cross yet is thin and flat
Big large shapes do not fit on thin flat lines
Its simple math
Anyone with a brain could figure it out

Milestones

MILESTONES
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody measures things by Milestones
1. Your car’s first 100,000 km
2. Your child’s 10th birthday
3. Your 10th year at the job
4. Your 40th birthday

Item 1 have done a few times, current cars waiting
Item 2 child 1 in a year and a bit, child 2 another 2 and a bit
Item 3 very close, currently at 9
Item 4 just happened

What’s your milestone?

1. First Million dollars?
2. First celebrity status?
3. First Asparagus taste?
4. First government office?
5. First blog reader?
6. Something else?

Have fun getting to the next one.

Rarely Watched TV

RARELY WATCHED TV
By John Ross Harvey

Why is it that when an old TV show comes on
That you rarely ever watched when it was current
Only ever plays the episode that you remember vividly.
I was in a waiting room and Becker was on.
I liked Becker, but he went to time-slot oblivion
The one episode I vividly remember
Was where his Condo’s super died knocking on his wall
He thought it was his neighbour so he ignored it.
Then his annoying diner pal got the Job of super.
His receptionist fell in love with some boxes in the mail
And the diner was frequented only for the bathroom
Except for Becker and the diner regulars.
I also caught an episode of Rosanne
A show I almost never watched
And the one show I remember
Where Dan and Rosanne scare each other for pranks
Was of course the episode that was on.

Or if it was shows you actually did watch before
It would be the episode you remember best

If I were to flip the channel and find WKRP in Cincinnati
It would probably be the Bomb scare and the Phone Cops
Where Johnny and Venus air from the transmitter
Where the bomb was in the toolbox
If it were a Barney Miller episode
(Best TV Guitar Riff ever)
It would probably be Clayton telling a psychic reader
He was born in a Galaxy far far away
And the psychic read that he was telling the truth
And later telling the guys, it was really a plane over Cleveland.
If it was a Columbo episode
He’d be saying “Just one more thing, Sir.”

The Mini Tire

THE MINI TIRE
By John Ross Harvey

Firstly, whoever invented this had one plan
Let’s see how many people crash!
Mini tires are rated for 80 km/h
For a maximum of 100km
If you’d bothered to READ IT!
So usually every day
Someone drives on a major HIGHWAY
With a MINI TIRE on
And today my commute was lengthened
By over 30 minutes
Because somebody lost a tire
On Highway 400 South
I cannot confirm that the tire was a Mini Tire
But chances are in favour that it was
How much better traffic would be
If people bothered to READ!

The Day After

THE DAY AFTER
By John Ross Harvey

All the Doomsayers said the World would End
Yesterday on 6/6/6, or more accurately 06/06/2006
Well it didn’t happen!
Or this is an Alternate Universe
You decide!
The world may not end
Until Gilbert Gottfried gets a new voice.
Scratch that, that’s a good idea.
The world may end whenever time says so.
But for now we have to face the reality
That we’re still alive
Alternate reality or not.

666

666
By John Ross Harvey

Today is June 6, 2006
To many this is 6/6/6
To others it is 06/06/06
It was almost my 40th birthday
But I was 5 days late
So if you didn’t get me a present yet
There’s still time.
Poll on Country 95.3 website
The world will end today 6/6/6
It will continue after today 6/6/6
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Go on and vote
I’ll tell you tomorrow.

A Face For Radio

originally posted July 21 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

A FACE FOR RADIO
By John Ross Harvey

It’s often been said that DJ’s are in radio because they have a face for it.
What that means is you’re not pretty enough for TV.
Well, not without makeup anyway.
Yet many Radio DJ’s have their face on the TV.
Does this saying mean absolutely nothing?
Are we supposed to believe that all DJ’s are unattractive?
No.
If Stu Jeffries can have a TV show and attractive female co-hosts,
That saying means nothing at all,
Or he just has really good makeup.

Road Signs Volume II

originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com July 2005

ROAD SIGNS VOLUME II
By John Ross Harvey

You’ve seen the signs. This Lane Ends.
Doesn’t seem to get the point across.
Driver’s attitude is: So what?
It needs to be improved upon.
Merge Now or Be Stranded Forever!
No Time, No Lane, Too Late!
This Lane Is Not For Passing!
Don’t Push You’re Luck!
Horns Won’t Help You!
Then there is the Most Ignored Sign Ever: STOP!
People in my survey think it spells FOLLOW!
Other think it spells PASS THE PARKED CAR!
It needs work, people are ignoring it.
If you Don’t, A Child May Die!
Four Letters, Too Much to Read?
Red Octagon, Any Idiot Knows This.
T-boned if you Don’t!
Is it worth a Life?
Save a Life, Your Own.
You vs. The Train. Guess who wins?
Then my Favourite Sign of Ignorance: Do Not Block Intersection
Not hard to understand is it?
Lights change and You’re a Dead Duck!
Don’t Fit, Don’t Go!
Green Does Not Mean Go All the Time!
If Way Isn’t Clear Do Not Proceed!
There’s a Reason Your Fender is Busted!
You or the Transport Truck? Guess who wins?
Ever Heard of Yield?
Eyeballs are Useful!
Brains Should be Engaged!
You’re Cellphone has Fried your Brain!
If it’s Red You May be Dead!

Driving 101

DRIVING 101
By John Ross Harvey

No doubt you’ve been witness to
Several individuals, which appear to
Have lost all ability to think, read or do math.
Toronto and area drivers.

People that turn left, and take 2 lanes to the right:
“Two lanes at once, proof they’re a dunce!”

People that block Intersections, just because their light is green:
“Can’t cross it, don’t block it!”
“Don’t fit? Don’t be a twit!”
“Block an Intersection? Brain does not function!”
“If you can’t go; don’t go!”

People that wait until last moment for a lane change:
“Directional Deficit Disorder Dunce”
“Lost Lane Loser”
“Merge Late Moron”

People that dive between parked cars to pass traffic:
“Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putzes”

I write this now as the TTC is on Strike, and
More “drivers” will grace our streets to annoy us to death.

Please don’t be one of them.

Fireworks

FIREWORKS
By John Ross Harvey

As it is now May 2 4
A few days after the May 2 4 weekend
Which almost never happens on May 2 4
But is affectionately called that
By Canadians as they
Generally consume a 2 4 of beer
So they can enjoy the fireworks
While their lawn chair collapses
So I ask this:
What happens to the fireworks?
They blow up in the air but
The stuff is falling!
Where does it land?
In somebody’s 2 4

The DaVinci Code

THE DAVINCI CODE
By John Ross Harvey

You’d have to be living under a rock
To have not heard of The DaVinci Code
Many of us, including I, have read it
Many refuse to believe what it’s implying
And have denounced the book as defaming the Christian faith
Well, have any of you heard of the word

FICTION?

Perhaps not.
Yes, it’s an enthralling read, many questions posed
The answers are in many respects
Fictional.
Hence it being a Fiction novel.
It was never released as a Non-fiction book.
Yet many think it is meant to be.
Now that the movie is being released
Maybe the whole secrecy of the storyline will be revealed.
To any that haven’t read the book,
The commercial for the movie means absolutely nothing.
The book has been popular for a few years now
And I did not know what it was about
Until I read it
You may know nothing about it now
If you haven’t read it
Will the Pope put a price on Dan Brown’s head
Like the Ayatollah did for Rushdie’s fiction novel?
I think not
Was it a good book?
Yes.
Is it non-fiction?
Doubtful.

Beurocracy

Originally posted Aug.10 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

BEUROCRACY
By John Ross Harvey

Face it, life is run by beurocracies.
Governments, corporations, organizations, clubs etc.
All have political attitudes, its who you know, not what you know.
There are always more chiefs than Indians.
I’ve worked for several firms, including one government one,
And they all felt the same.
Directors make up stuff to do; Managers make up stuff to do,
Supervisors know what stuff needs to be done, and get it done
By Coordinators that do stuff, whatever stuff needs to be done.
Assistants work for managers, and directors, and even supervisors.
They know about all the stuff that happens, or will happen, or
Hasn’t happened yet.
As Coordinators, you will be in trouble if stuff isn’t done, whether
You were told about the stuff or not.
Sometimes you have to look for files that never existed.
You do file? Right?
Don’t worry it’ll eventually end up in the Blue Box,
Just keep it until it’s allowed to leave.
The only difference between government and corporations
Is the Euchre games.

Absent Minded Professor

Originally posted July 22 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR
By John Ross Harvey

For years now, I’ve been labeled as an absent-minded professor.
My Mom called me that for as long as I can remember.
My boss, though similarly minded, has noted my absent mind occasionally.
My wife makes note of it constantly.
I can be very knowledgeable about almost anything.
Including many of the theories on LOST.
But when it comes to where things are put in the house, I’m hopeless.
My wife will show me if anything has moved in the cupboards
And a few days later I wont find it in its old place, and claim we need to get some more.
Quite honestly it drives her nuts.
The only consolation is, that I can reach most of the cupboards when she cannot.
In order to find the missing items I forgot about in the first place.

Drive-Clean

DRIVE-CLEAN
By John Ross Harvey

This was probably a get rich quick scheme
For the government
Disguised as an Environmental agenda
Though the premise of reduced Emissions is good
It’s $35-40 out of your pocket pass or fail
And up to $250 if you did fail
I doubt any classic show cars from the 60’s and before
Are capable of ever passing these tests
Yet they are on the road sometimes
Are they excluded?
Are the owners driving them illegally?
Or did their emissions criteria allow for their pollution?
I ask this as I just completed a test
On my 5 year old car
As I must renew my license and my plates
And I need that passing grade before I can renew
And I did pass thankfully
But where is my money going?
Dalton McGuinty’s back patio?
Driver Education on reading road signs?
Or is it just sitting in a bank waiting
For a government employee to withdraw it?
That’s what I want to know
Where do you think it went?

Ignorance

IGNORANCE
By John Ross Harvey

Respect for people
Respect for the law
Ignorance of the law is no excuse
Learn to read
I was accosted the other day
Because I pointed out to a woman
Read the sign that says “NO PARKING FIRE ROUTE”
“TOW AWAY ZONE – FINE $750.00”
And she said to me
“DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?!!!!!!!”
Obviously not
Her lack of respect for the law is only
Equaled by her lack of intelligence
And complete disrespect of human safety
If a fire started 1 minute after she parked
She’d be in the way
Fire Trucks will push you out of the way
Make no mistake
You’re life is not worth more
Than everyone else’s
Stop being Ignorant
Wake up to reality
Breaking the law will only come back to bite you
It’s never worth it
Now where did I put my Exacto blade??????
You’ll have a fun time explaining four flats
In a fire zone to the cops, fire dept., and the tow truck.
If only I were that way inclined.

Date Factoid

On The 4th of May 2006, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again in our lifetime.
It will be approximately 400 generations before it happens again.

Now you know

Strange Facts

Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com Oct. 16 2005

STRANGE FACTS
By John Ross Harvey


Did you know, that Dryer sheets should not come into contact with clothing?
They’ve made millions of dollars on an unsafe product.

Did you know the price of gas always goes down after you’ve filled the tank?
It’s true they specifically wait for you!

Ford has controlling interest in Volvo, Aston Martin, and Jaguar
They call it, with Lincoln, the Prestige Automotive Group or PAG.
I think it should be called Bloody Rich Automotive Group or BRAG!

Chevy sucks. If you drive one, you know. If you buy one you will.

Rob Mariano is a Professional Reality Contestant.

Ever wonder what is a Marshmallow? Really?

How did O Henry ever sell chocolate bars? You know what it looks like!

I am bald. Mostly.

Money if it weren’t money, would be in a garbage dump. Think about it.
It’s crinkled paper that has ink all over it. It’s a Writer’s life.

Four Hardest Words

FOUR HARDEST WORDS
By John Ross Harvey

Since I’ve been commuting from North of Toronto
To very far Downtown Toronto
I’ve noticed a very high level
Of Illiterate motorists
Road signs are apparently invisible
Not big enough
Or the wrong language
The four hardest words for these commuters
In rush hour traffic
Morning or Evening
Is the following:
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
The totally mindless sheep
Follow the person in front
Don’t ever read the road sign
You might help traffic move if you did
Of course these same intellectuals
Do not know what a
This Lane Ends sign looks like
They think a lane people park in is for passing
And they think the fire lane at the mall
Is their own personal parking space.
Just so they understand
I’m going to tell you what a Green Light really means:

PROCEED WHEN WAY IS CLEAR
If it’s not clear, DO NOT PROCEED!

If you can’t cross it, don’t block it.
Stop being a blockhead.
If you block the intersection
Your brain does not function.
If you do not fit
Don’t be a twit.
Learn it, and more importantly
READ IT!