PRO-MICHAEL SCHUMACHER VS. ANTI-MICHAEL SCHUMACHER

PRO-MICHAEL SCHUMACHER VS. ANTI-MICHAEL SCHUMACHER
By John Ross Harvey

When Michael Schumacher wins the pros say it’s because he’s the best.
The antis say it’s because the Ferrari is too good

When Michael Schumacher wins in the rain, the pros say it’s because he’s the best
The antis say it’s because the Ferrari is too good

When Michael Schumacher loses in the rain, the antis say it’s because he can’t drive well.
The pros blame it on the tires, back markers, pit crews, anything at all but their man

When Michael Schumacher loses and it didn’t rain, the antis say it’s because he’s no good
The pros blame it on the tires, back markers, pit crews, anything at all but their man

When rule changes are made to make Ferrari win, the antis blame on the FIA favouritism
The pros say all the better so their man can win as he’s supposed to

When rule changes are made to make Ferrari lose, the antis are very happy with them
The pros blame the results on FIA favouritism for the opposing teams

When a driver passes Michael Schumacher, the pros say they were lucky, or he missed a gear
The antis jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate

When Michael Schumacher wins a championship, the antis turn off the television
The pros jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate

When Michael Schumacher loses a championship, the pros blame it anti Ferrari paranoia
The antis jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate

When Michael Schumacher announced his retirement the pros claim he has nothing to prove
The antis blame it on his inability to face Raikonnen as his teammate

When Michael Schumacher hangs up his helmet for good, the pros will celebrate his career
The antis will celebrate the loss of the biggest cheat in the history or organized sport
And jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate.

NAMES

NAMES
By John Ross Harvey

Perhaps more a history lesson than comedy
But there’s nothing wrong with that
In the early years of Ireland
Names were an indication of your parentage
But not the same way as today
Today, children take your last name
Depending on the mother’s decision
It’s normally the father’s last name
But more recently it could be either, or both, with a hyphen
My son’s friend has such a name, with father’s first
In the era of Brian Boru in Ireland
He was the son of Cennedi
He went by Brian Mac Cennedi
Meaning Brian son of Cennedi
Later generations adopted O’Brian
Which means son of Brian
Cennedi eventually became Kennedy
So we know that O, and Mac mean “son of”
And you should know that Fitz also means this
Gerald Fitzgerald is Gerald son of Gerald
Makes you wonder how Fitzgibbon came about
Who calls their child Gibbon?
No doubt a more literal son of translation is son on the end
Like Ferguson or Robertson or Masterson or Patterson
But then who calls their child Master or Patter?
Nothing wrong with the idea, just curious how it started
My name is not a hyphenated version of Mother’s and Father’s
But I do have both their surnames
I use my Mother’s as my middle name
Middle names are important to a parent more than a child
Using them to call the child means they’re in trouble
You ask Bobby Jones to stop doing something he wont hear you
You ask Bobby Jeremiah Jones, and he’ll stand at attention!
My own name has versions in other languages
Yours probably does too
Jean in French, Ivan in Russian, Juan in Spanish and Iain in Gaelic
It is likely also Johann in German and/or Austrian
Despite many people believing my name to be Jonathan
It never has been and never will be
One work colleague calls me John, no than
Very few are allowed to call be Johnny, and one calls be John John
In sports it tends to be shortened to J.R.
As several Johns play sports, it’s just easier to go by letters.
Do you ever wonder about people you only know by initials?
Most of them will be a J
J.P., J.D., J.F., J.C., J.R., J.T., J.L. etc.
Jefferson Patterson? Jeremiah Douglas? James Frank? Jeremy Clark?
Johnson Robert? Jennifer Teresa? Janet Leslie?
It could be anything at really
Even Jet Plane, Jump Diva, Junior Fish, Jericho Crash, Jeep Renegade,
Japan Trinidad, or Jersey Louisiana
How will you know unless you ask?

Spot the Moron

SPOT THE MORON
By John Ross Harvey

The light is green; the traffic beyond the intersection is stopped
The moron is the one entering the intersection
It’s raining, and you’re driving
The moron is the one without headlights
It’s snowing, and you’re driving
The moron is the one driving a snowbank
The light turns red
The moron is the one three cars back that thinks he can make it!
The lane is ending
The moron is the one still in that lane
The sirens are blaring
The moron is the guy that doesn’t pull over, or turns in front
You live in a very large apartment building, and somebody honks
Guess who’s the moron
You’re driving and the guy in front of you has a brake light on
It goes out when he brakes
You guessed it, another moron
It’s a two-lane road, traffic, and parking
A few ungeniuses think the space between parked cars is for passing
No doubt about it, more morons.
The store has a big sign at the door:” No parking - Fire lane”
The one that parks there is the moron
How much will you bet they drive a grey car?
But what does moron stand for?
Mostly Obnoxious Reject Or Nobody

Where are the Good People?

WHERE ARE THE GOOD PEOPLE?
By John Ross Harvey

There was a time when people could say “Hi.” To a stranger
But never, if you were a child.
There was a time when everyone obeyed signage
Today ignorant people park in fire lanes
And steal handicapped spaces
Or straddle the lines to give their vehicle space!
An Exacto blade could fix these people in a hurry
To either the tires or the paint job
Have fun explaining that to the cops.
A turn signal is a courtesy that drivers should use
So other drivers understand their intentions
Today I was practically driven into by a
Moron in a Neon that wanted to turn
Left from a right lane
The only reason we’re both not dead
Is because I am a way better driver
I know how mirrors work
And I hate silver grey cars
Being hit by one would have proved my
Opinion on their lack of visibility
Good people don’t try to kill strangers
Good people say “Hi!”
Good people can signal, and can read
Good people carry Exacto blades for emergencies

The In Crowd

THE IN CROWD
By John Ross Harvey

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known somebody
If they have a status that makes them feel important
They do not share that importance with just anyone
They have their friends
The In Crowd
What is the In Crowd?
People that suck up to the boss
People with no backbone
People that answer “Yes” all the time
I’m not in the In Crowd
I might be in the Out Crowd but I’m not sure
I move the scissors beside the fridge
Because they are for cutting milk bags
That are located in the fridge
The In Crowd must believe that the scissors
Should be in the basket full of paper packages
Which is where I find the scissors
Before I put them where they’re supposed to be
Near the fridge where milk bags need cutting
Not in the bare hand easily ripped paper package basket
The In Crowd just had a wine party
I like wine, I didn’t get any
I’m not in the In Crowd
I’m happy being different
The In Crowd is not worth being in.

GREY SOCIETY

GREY SOCIETY
By John Ross Harvey

I’ve come to the conclusion
That colour is not what most people like
People are fascinated with GREY
Not just one type of grey
But every possible shade of GREY
Between all white and all black
Our roads are grey concrete or grey asphalt
Unless it’s still black and really new
Our buildings are GREY concrete
Or covered in glass which reflects GREY skies
Everybody and their brother’s uncle
Drives a GREY shade of car
Not just one GREY, but all of them!
The only colour around is green grass, and trees
But the trunks are GREY!
I POSITIVELY HATE GREY!
I drive a Blue car
Do you want to know why????
Because I can see it! You can see it!
NOBODY CAN SEE A GREY CAR ON A GREY DAY!
The sky is grey, the road is grey, and their pathetic car is GREY!
IT’S INVISIBLE!
Find a bloody light switch and SHOW UP!
STOP BEING GREY!
I hate grey so much; my hair isn’t even GREY!
It’s just not there anymore.
Actually I lied; there is one GREY I like
EARL GREY!

PEOPLE I CAN DO WITHOUT-ODE TO GEORGE CARLIN

PEOPLE I CAN DO WITHOUT-ODE TO GEORGE CARLIN
By John Ross Harvey

I can do without those people that do Old Navy commercials
That’s as much acting, as I’m not bald
People that use a mini-tire on the highway
When you’re tire blows maybe then you’ll learn how to read
People that wire their own taillights on their cars
Their brake light is on, until they use them, then it’s the reverse light!
People that park in a fire lane
Big sign, large fines, 4000 spots to choose from,
But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you need to prove you’re a prick.
People that order small coffees
It’s about a swallow and a half for about a $1
The water fountain is free, there’s about the same amount of coffee.
Vegetarians that tell meat-eaters to eat better
We do eat better.
Meat is better. That’s why we eat it!
If all the meat-eaters stopped eating meat,
We’d all be deprived of valuable oxygen
Because there would be no plants left to create any.
Meat eaters are a valuable service to mankind
Oxygen is available, because we prefer meat to plants.
People that buy the whole grocery store and line up in the express cash
The word “MORON” could not be more visible
People that like the colour Grey or silver
They even buy cars in those colours
But they’re not colours, there is no colour at all,
They may as well be invisible
And they are, because none of them know how to turn their lights on.
People that rob a bank with their pinky in the pocket
You should know Steve Segal is going to whip your ass!

Blood Types

Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

I thought I'd bring this back as this topic was discussed in
the last episode of HOUSE

BLOOD TYPES
By John Ross Harvey

There are 4 basic blood types
A, B, AB, and O
A can accept blood from A and O
B can accept blood from B and O
AB can accept blood from A, B, AB & O
O can accept blood from just O
Then you have to worry about + or – types
But basically if you’re an AB type, receiving blood is easy
Its not difficult as a match is not required.
Hollywood doesn’t get this. There’s always a story
About a person in need of blood, but has an AB blood type.
An exact match is not required.
O must be matched.
Thankfully the majority of us are O type.
Carnivores.
We prefer steak to vegetables.
Our meat is better bloody.
But wait, what type of blood did the cow have?
Then you have blood doping
A Cyclist claims that an unborn twin’s blood has entered his bloodstream.
Hence duplicating the effect of a blood doping.
This bizarre theory is called a Chimera.
Not only does he claim this, but one of his teammates does also.
Personally I think it’s in that Energy Drink
Why’s it called RED BULL anyway?

Greatness

GREATNESS
By John Ross Harvey

Greatness is usually associated with someone in sports
Or perhaps a singer, or an actor of good repute.
Generally the news media will make it a top story.
Andre Agassi, by no means Tennis’ greatest
Had front-page coverage of his retirement.
Damon Allen just became the most successful
Quarterback in North America, and got the front-page.
He hasn’t retired.
Michael Schumacher announced his retirement.
Many argue he is the greatest race driver ever.
Many argue against this opinion, like myself.
Toronto Star, caption on Sports front-page,
Story on page 2 of Sports.
Globe and Mail, briefly acknowledged in
Racing column on page 3 of Sports
Perhaps having a large number of his wins
Handed to him by his teammates
Make him a less respected sports figure.
I would agree with that.
Jacques Villeneuve said that he would
Not be remembered.
I don’t think he’s far wrong.
Page 1 of Sports was Canadian Open coverage
It wasn’t even Tiger Woods
Probably the only sports figure making more
Money than Michael Schumacher
The least sportsmanlike driver
In the history of motorsport.
Maybe now I can cheer for Ferrari
I have not since 1996
Well briefly cheered for Eddie in 1999
But as a rule, have not rooted
For Ferrari since he’s been there
And I live in Canada’s Ferrari fan capital
I will be cheering his departure
Regardless of a championship being handed over.

Traffic Phrases - Volume II

TRAFFIC PHRASES-VOLUME II
By John Ross Harvey

Fog, rain, poor visibility
The silver grey car in front of you has no lights
“Grey car, grey road, grey sky, no lights, no brain!”

Darkness, by weather or by loss of sunlight
The black car ahead of you has no lights
“Black car, black road, black sky,
No lights at night, no brain in sight!”

Snow
The vehicle in front of you is indistinguishable
From a snowbank
“Mobile Snowbanks Defroster Dunces, and the Wipers Only Brigade!”
“Snow Not On Windows Brush Remainder Unbelievably Simple Huh?”

Fog
The vehicle in front is lightless yet again
“No lights in Fog, brains of a Log!”

Rain
Yet more vehicles without lights
“No lights in rain, no driver with a brain!”
“Headlights work, you don’t!”
“The reason a light bulb is associated with brains;
You need brains to use them!”
“Lights on moron!”


“Drive without lights, prove your stupidity today!”

“No lights at night, prove your stupidity tonight!”

People that get my humour are already smart enough to use headlights
Those that don’t will never find a switch in their lifetime.

Seen Everything?

SEEN EVERYTHING?
By John Ross Harvey

You know that one moment that happens
And the sheer ridiculous nature of it
Makes you say
“I’ve seen everything.”
I had one of those moments this weekend
My neighbour in the Fire Hall house
Had several satellite dishes on his wall
He took them all down
Then we saw him attach something to
His children’s playing structure
What did he attach?
A very much bigger satellite dish
To his kid’s playing structure
“I’ve seen everything!”

Neighbour's Houses

NEIGHBOUR’S HOUSES
By John Ross Harvey

There are many odd looking houses on my street
Either by what is an attempt to renovate them
Or simply the original design
Colour is the most striking contrast between them
My wife has given nicknames to a few
The tall red house beside us is the Fire Hall
The big ugly grey house across the street
Is the National Library of Congress
My house is perfect
Another tall stucco house needs a name
I’ll call it the Mausoleum
There are 2 shades of pink houses between
The Mausoleum and mine
Pink Portico and Pink Porch perhaps
Will name them effectively
One neighbour has been building a
Landscape block wall all summer long
It is now The Great Wall of China

Priorities

PRIORITIES
By John Ross Harvey

When I worked in government
Work had priorities assigned
In the private sector
Where I have been for many years
Priorities are subject to interpretation
These will range from 0-10
In high to low priority respectively
My main boss is senior partner in the company
All requests by him are Priority 1
All VP requests are priority 1.5
All sub manager requests are priority 2
All sub sub manager requests are priority 3
All sub sub managers working for main boss are priority 1.25
All requests by president are 0.5
All requests by people that shouldn’t be requesting are priority 4
All requests from left field are priority 5
All requests from right wing are priority 6
All requests from dead centre are priority 5.5
All requests from the back 40 are priority 7
All requests from the straight and narrow are priority 8
All personal requests are priority 9
All ultra personal requests are priority 0

Autocad

Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
For all the many drafters at Focus Fanatics

AUTOCAD
By John Ross Harvey

I am a Draftsman or Draughtsman that uses AutoCad
I started in the Dark ages of 1987
We used version 2.3 on orange screens
Next year we had colour on version 9!
After graduating Architecture Technology in 1988
Most of the workforce had no idea what Autocad was.
I was hand drafting until 1992.
Then I was sent by my employer to learn Autocad 12.
Autocad 12 was so good it wasn’t replaced by 13 until about 1995.
Autocad 14 showed up around 1997,
And LT97 and LT98 were less expensive options.
Neither of those ever equaled 12 for ease of use.
2000 came out next; lets not call it 15, just 2000.
This was more like 12, plus a few nice features.
2002 was identical, 2004 –5 were newer still.
Nobody in his or her right mind actually pays to own this.
Most companies can write off a few thousands for it
The average guy cannot.
There are three ways of using Autocad
Tablet users are an eccentric bunch, everything in its place.
Mouse users create buttons galore to only use their mouse.
Keyboard-mouse users like myself make hundreds of short key commands
In order to avoid carpel tunnel from mouse pointing all the time.
I’ve always found this last style faster.
The only problem is certain keyboard keys if missed slightly
Create entirely different outcomes.
2@<45 is very different from 22,45
22,45 is a defined location, exact coordinates
2@<45 is a relative location from its starting point 2 units at 45 degrees.
Imperial is easier to work with, because an inch is an inch not a foot
Metric units could be millimeters, centimeters, or meters
It all depends on the creator of the drawing.
Conversion to imperial could be simple if Metric were always one unit.
Sadly even though it is base 10 and simple, 1,10, and 100 do not all equal.
How much simpler life would be if it were easy.
AutoCad was never meant to be easy.
A DWG isn’t a DWG in every version; it’s a v2000 DWG or v2004 DWG
A JPG universal it is not.
That’s why it changes every two years and costs $1000’s
In the immortal words of Survivor’s Rupert
WE BE PIRATES!

SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON-ODE TO PAUL REISER

SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON-ODE TO PAUL REISER
By John Ross Harvey

One of the best Sitcoms ever on TV
Mad About You starring Paul Reiser
Had taken a movie theme
Six Degrees of Separation
And changed it for Kevin Bacon
Of which nearly everyone could
Become within Six Degrees.
My radio station just asked for anyone
To tell of your brush w/ fame
And one of the people I met
The late great James Doohan
Gave me 3 degrees of Kevin Bacon
James Doohan and Christian Slater were in ST-VI
Christian Slater was in Murder in the First
With Kevin Bacon
John Harvey-James Doohan-Christian Slater-Kevin Bacon
3 degrees
How many do you have?

Good For You

GOOD FOR YOU
By John Ross Harvey

When I was young
My parents told me to eat my vegetables
They were good for me
Well, I agreed on carrots and corn
But nothing else
I have added squash and broccoli over my lifetime
Green beans are only edible hot
Peas are never happening.
Today what’s good for you has changed
Stuff I never heard of before
Is now what advertisers say is good.
Omega-3
Pro-biotic culture
Say what?
Omega-3 sounds like a space super hero
Pro-biotic culture sounds like
A say yes to robots consortium
What did they call this when we were young?
Omega-3 is apparently fish oil
Cod liver perhaps
But what is a pro-biotic culture?
Found in yoghurt of all things
Programmed Bionic Tics?
I’m not eating that!

Architecture

ARCHITECTURE
By John Ross Harvey

To most of the world previous to the year 1992 AD
Architecture meant one thing
Buildings
Offices, Malls, Towers, Houses, etc.
After this time
Computer Networks have labeled themselves
As System Architecture
And Hiring System Architects
When you are an unemployed draftsman
And the only Architecture listed in the Classifieds
Is Computer system networks
You tend to get a little ANGRY!!!!!!!
Architecture also has controversy
The title of World’s Tallest Building is a major contention
Canadians agree that the CN Tower is
And rightfully so at 1,816ft it is.
Americans claim that Sears has been since 1974 at 1,736ft
Or 1,450 ft without the antenna
Because their claim is that a Structure is not a Building
And that CN is a Structure and an Antenna
But Sears is allowed to include their antenna
Or discount CN as a structure
It’s really just a loser’s way to cheat
Not including antennas
Petronas towers 1 and 2 are 1,483 ft
And Taipei 101 is 1,473 ft.

A breakdown to denounce CN as a building is as follows according to aaskyscrapers.com:

Title Building Location Height
Tallest building to the structural or architectural top. Taipei 101 Taipei 1,671 ft (509m)
Tallest building to the highest occupied floor. Taipei 101 Taipei 1,437 ft (438m)
Tallest building to the top of the roof. Taipei 101 Taipei 1,473 ft (449m)
Tallest building to the top of antenna. Sears Tower Chicago 1,736 ft (529m)
Tallest Structure KTHI TV-Tower Fargo (ND) 2,063 ft (629m)
Tallest free standing structure Petronius Platform Petronius field 2,000 ft (606m)
Tallest free standing structure on land CN Tower Toronto 1,816 ft (554m)

Define a building then
Can you live, work, eat and sleep in it?
By that definition you are limited to Condos and residences
Can you walk on floors in it?
By that definition CN is a building
Agreed a TV tower is an antenna structure
CN does have one within it
So do all the other buildings laying claim to its title
The oil platform is mostly below water, so discount it for now.
If Fargo wants to call its antenna a building
Many would disagree with that
Eiffel Tower was a structure also, but you can walk in it
It has floors and held the World’s Tallest Building title for many years.
Suddenly as Sears was beaten by CN in a matter of months
The definition suddenly changed to allow Sears to hold the title
Visit the CN Tower homepage and you will find very differently
That it has been recognized since 1996, though in reality it was 1975.

http://www.cntower.ca/portal/SmartDefault.aspx?at=943

People have a real difficulty losing to Canada
That’s why many race fans hate Jacques Villeneuve
Even though they adore his late father.
If Canada wins, the competition aim to change the rules
That is why many illogical minded associations and the like
Still to this day claim that CN tower is not a building.
Like the above chart, ridiculous beyond words.
Face it, reality sucks, unless you win.
You lost to Canada; deal with it.

PLUTO-THE NON-PLANET

PLUTO-THE NON-PLANET
By John Ross Harvey

The Astronomical Society has officially
Demoted Pluto from a Planet to a Dwarf
It was already in a different orbital plane
From the other planets
So now it’s not a planet
Will Disney change the name of the dog
From Pluto to Dwarf Pluto?
What about the moons of larger planets
The Gas Giants of Jupiter and Saturn
Have moons bigger than Earth and Mars
Do they now get upgraded to Planet status
Because Pluto is a Dwarf?
Will Mercury be demoted?
What does it take to keep your status as a planet?
An I.D. card?
Your orbit is off-kilter; you can’t be a planet anymore!
At least Pluto is having fun
Not spinning endlessly on the same path
Pluto deserves respect
Tell those Astronomers that you believe in Pluto
The Happy Planet!

REDNECKS-ODE TO JEFF FOXWORTHY

REDNECKS-ODE TO JEFF FOXWORTHY
By John Ross Harvey

I’m not pretending to be Jeff Foxworthy
I love his Redneck stuff
And his other stuff
Just bought Blue Collar Boys last DVD
But there is a perception that all Rednecks
Live in the Southern US of A
No
There is a perception that all Rednecks
Watch NASCAR
No, but a few drive NASCAR
There was a Welsh-Canadian guy
Formerly of Air Farce before he passed away
That did Mike… from Canmooooooooore
That’s in Alberta
That was a Canadian Redneck
Red Green is a Canadian Redneck
He has more uses for Duct Tape than MacGuyver
Now that Juan Pablo Montoya will drive NASCAR
He becomes a Columbian Redneck
If Jacques Villeneuve joins him
He’ll become a French-Canadian Redneck that lives in Monaco
Christian Fittipaldi became a Brazilian Redneck and
Adrian Fernandez became a Mexican Redneck
When they joined NASCAR
The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is another Redneck
That also drives NASCAR
Paul Tracy didn’t have to drive NASCAR to become a Redneck
He lives in Arizona
His neck is always Red
He also has a title fight every race he hits somebody
That happens a lot
There is no rule for where you have to be to be a Redneck
NASCAR just helps bring out the inner Redneck
I’m going to go watch some F1.

Beef

BEEF
By John Ross Harvey

Beef is an Acronym for itself
Beef Extremely Excellent Food
Beef makes Money
Fast Food Restaurants love Beef
10 Billion Burgers and Counting
Fancier Restaurants love Beef
Nothing better than a Prime Rib
Or a Juicy Steak
Mad Cow Disease changes this
In 1996 on my tour of Britain
We ate lots of Chicken
Because British Beef was under a Mad Cow Ban
We immediately went to McDonalds in Ireland
Every time a Cow is found to have Mad Cow
All Beef production is banned from Export
Whether the Cow got Mad Cow in Canada or NOT
As was the case of the Cow found in the USA
But it was born in Alberta
So it must have been born with Mad Cow
That’s USA logic for you
It’s sick so it was born that way
Not it’s sick here, so we have a problem
No we bought it from Canada so it’s their problem
I’d much rather eat Beef from Canada than the USA
At least we know when Mad Cow happens
As opposed to claiming where it happens
Alberta Beef
Nothing Better
It never entered the Food Chain
Apparently that fact went over their heads
So some Beef producers are selling Burgers
At their own restaurant
Because American ones can’t do Logic
Do Canadians a favour
Buy Beef and eat it too!