MARKETING SLOGANS
By John Ross Harvey
Maxwell House: “Good to the Last Drop.”
Meaning: It’ll never be great
Timex: “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
Meaning: Our parts are so big they can’t possibly be re-arranged.
Mazda: “Zoom, zoom, zoom.”
Meaning: Our marketing guys got bored.
Coca-Cola: “It’s the real thing.”
Meaning: Pepsi isn’t real
Zest: “You’re not clean until you’re Zestfully clean.”
Meaning: A non-soap with the name of an orange peel needs help
Nike: “Just do it.”
Meaning: We can’t compete with the Adidas acronym
“All Day I Dream About Sex.”
KFC: “Finger licking good.”
Meaning: We hope you like grease, we have lots.
Rice Krispies: “Snap! Crackle! Pop!”
Meaning: Rice is boring we needed some excitement
Hallmark: “When you care enough to send the very best.”
Meaning: Don’t buy other cards, especially Carlton
Walmart: “Always low prices. Always.”
Meaning: If you say it twice, maybe it’s true.
Apple (Mac): “Power to be your best.”
Meaning: Ctrl-Alt-Del is not required for a restart
Subway: “Eat fresh.”
Meaning: Don’t eat frozen burgers
Smarties: “Do you eat the red ones last?”
Meaning: Be careful red ones may contain Red Dye #5
Tim Horton’s: “Rrroll up the rim to win.”
Meaning: Fat chance you’re winning boy.
Lays: “Bet you can’t eat just one.”
Meaning: How many people are dumb enough to try
Crest: “Look, Ma, no cavities!”
Meaning: Don’t buy Colgate
Schlitz: “The Beer that made Milwaukee famous.”
Meaning: Stop buying cheap Old Milwaukee
Purina: “All you add is love.”
Meaning: It tastes like dirt the poor dog needs something
York Peppermint: “Get the sensation.”
Meaning: We can’t compete with chocolate bars
Esso: “Put a Tiger in your tank.”
Meaning: We will continue to sue Frosted Flakes
Campbell’s: “Mm, mm good.”
Meaning: Stop buying Lipton’s
Whisk: “Ring around the collar.”
Meaning: Annoying works
Tab: “How can one calorie taste so good?”
Meaning: We lucked out with this experiment
Yellow Pages: “Let your fingers do the walking.”
Meaning: We thought that up during the dial phone era.
Nice & Easy: “Does she or doesn’t she?”
Meaning: Clairol is more colourful than us.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
USA Election 2008
USA ELECTION 2008
By John Ross Harvey
Americans head to the polls today
Maybe about 24% of them
If we’re lucky
Of that 24% they will probably vote mostly for one party
Yet their vote is insignificant
Because they only count
Electoral college votes
Some moneybags with a priority over a common citizen
With the privilege of deciding their country’s fate
Regardless of what everyone else voted.
This system makes no sense, should be abolished
And quite frankly kept Bush in power for 8 years
Canadians wouldn’t have kept him
Why do 25 people in California decide for millions?
There is no logic to that.
12:32 pm Eastern time I declare Obama to win.
By John Ross Harvey
Americans head to the polls today
Maybe about 24% of them
If we’re lucky
Of that 24% they will probably vote mostly for one party
Yet their vote is insignificant
Because they only count
Electoral college votes
Some moneybags with a priority over a common citizen
With the privilege of deciding their country’s fate
Regardless of what everyone else voted.
This system makes no sense, should be abolished
And quite frankly kept Bush in power for 8 years
Canadians wouldn’t have kept him
Why do 25 people in California decide for millions?
There is no logic to that.
12:32 pm Eastern time I declare Obama to win.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Real or Unreal
REAL OR UNREAL
By John Ross Harvey
I just read this news article:
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/081023/koddities/japan_avatar_murder
Ok they play a virtual game based on their real life persona
But if this woman gets charged for killing a digital playmate
How many children will be charged for letting Mario Fall?
Or sending Sonic on a never-ending scream
Never mind the 30 something’s that grew up with Doom and Duke Nukem
All the 20 something’s playing Grand Theft Auto games
I know I’ve killed plenty of digital characters in Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Captain Falcon rules.
The world as we know it will change forever if this woman is charged with killing some binary data in video game.
By John Ross Harvey
I just read this news article:
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/081023/koddities/japan_avatar_murder
Ok they play a virtual game based on their real life persona
But if this woman gets charged for killing a digital playmate
How many children will be charged for letting Mario Fall?
Or sending Sonic on a never-ending scream
Never mind the 30 something’s that grew up with Doom and Duke Nukem
All the 20 something’s playing Grand Theft Auto games
I know I’ve killed plenty of digital characters in Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Captain Falcon rules.
The world as we know it will change forever if this woman is charged with killing some binary data in video game.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Public Washrooms
PUBLIC WASHROOMS
By John Ross Harvey
It never ceases to amaze me
That every men’s washroom in a public place
Be it a Wal-Mart, McDonald’s, or even a Keg
Has had a sorry individual spend time
In a toilet stall
Specifically to
Pee all over the damn seat
Apparently this individual has never
Had to do a #2
Clearly if peeing was no longer an option
The public toilet seats might
Actually be clean
But as we all know
That aint going to happen
The seat pissers of the world
Outnumber those with actual intelligence
So they need a name
Seat pissers is too literal
They need a name synonymous with scum
They are the Scumbuckets
No name matches that for pure disrespect
No name symbolizes purer hatred and stupidity
Yes all the seat pissers of the world
Are the lowest scum on the planet
It requires more brain cells than they possess.
Raise your I.Q.
Find the bowl
If you miss
Clean it up
We aren't your maid
You obviously can't afford one
Or they'd have killed you by now.
By John Ross Harvey
It never ceases to amaze me
That every men’s washroom in a public place
Be it a Wal-Mart, McDonald’s, or even a Keg
Has had a sorry individual spend time
In a toilet stall
Specifically to
Pee all over the damn seat
Apparently this individual has never
Had to do a #2
Clearly if peeing was no longer an option
The public toilet seats might
Actually be clean
But as we all know
That aint going to happen
The seat pissers of the world
Outnumber those with actual intelligence
So they need a name
Seat pissers is too literal
They need a name synonymous with scum
They are the Scumbuckets
No name matches that for pure disrespect
No name symbolizes purer hatred and stupidity
Yes all the seat pissers of the world
Are the lowest scum on the planet
It requires more brain cells than they possess.
Raise your I.Q.
Find the bowl
If you miss
Clean it up
We aren't your maid
You obviously can't afford one
Or they'd have killed you by now.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Perpetual Motion
PERPETUAL MOTION
By John Ross Harvey
The problem with combustion engines
Is they have intake and exhaust
Electrics require batteries
No movement when fuel burns with combustion
No movement when batteries drain on electrics
So how can you improve on this?
Make something that intakes and exhausts the same product!
What could that possibly be?
Not water, water produces steam as exhaust
Not hydrogen, hydrogen produces water as exhaust
Obviously not gasoline
We know electric cannot store infinitely on batteries
So what’s left?
AIR!
Run an engine that intakes and exhausts itself with air
Pure Nitrogen, Oxygen based ordinary earth air
Not compressed air in a hose
(This has been done, Tata got the contract.)
The engine will emulate what a certain submarine movie called
A caterpillar drive
Once in motion, it can maintain motion, and stay silent
Problem is getting into motion
A jumpstart is still required
So come on engineering students of the world.
Build me a car that runs on earth base air, and doesn’t need a push.
No more $1.26.9 gas prices
Just drive in the open air.
It can be done.
I want credit for the idea though.
By John Ross Harvey
The problem with combustion engines
Is they have intake and exhaust
Electrics require batteries
No movement when fuel burns with combustion
No movement when batteries drain on electrics
So how can you improve on this?
Make something that intakes and exhausts the same product!
What could that possibly be?
Not water, water produces steam as exhaust
Not hydrogen, hydrogen produces water as exhaust
Obviously not gasoline
We know electric cannot store infinitely on batteries
So what’s left?
AIR!
Run an engine that intakes and exhausts itself with air
Pure Nitrogen, Oxygen based ordinary earth air
Not compressed air in a hose
(This has been done, Tata got the contract.)
The engine will emulate what a certain submarine movie called
A caterpillar drive
Once in motion, it can maintain motion, and stay silent
Problem is getting into motion
A jumpstart is still required
So come on engineering students of the world.
Build me a car that runs on earth base air, and doesn’t need a push.
No more $1.26.9 gas prices
Just drive in the open air.
It can be done.
I want credit for the idea though.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Corporate Ladder
CORPORATE LADDER
(FINANCIAL BIGWIG BUYOUT BY BUSH)
By John Ross Harvey
The higher up the chain you are
The more money you make
And the less you have to spend
You get expenses paid for
Trips, meals, car repairs, gasoline
The lower you are
The less you make
The more you spend
And owe
It’s an unending vicious cycle
So what if a giant lending firm is in trouble
Bleed it out of the execs that live off it
They’ve never paid for anything
Why should we keep paying them?
I have no sympathy for them
They are all millionaires or billionaires
My thousands barely last a day past a pay cheque.
Mortgage, groceries, gasoline, VISA
Taxes on top of everything
Billionaire execs write everything off
They get to keep their money
Why should I bail them out?
They can start to feel like us
Helpless
There is only one solution to
The global financial crisis
I may be the only one with the correct answer
To know, you must buy my book
World Peace – A Novel
Until you understand I’m right
We will continue to suffer in debt for eternity.
(FINANCIAL BIGWIG BUYOUT BY BUSH)
By John Ross Harvey
The higher up the chain you are
The more money you make
And the less you have to spend
You get expenses paid for
Trips, meals, car repairs, gasoline
The lower you are
The less you make
The more you spend
And owe
It’s an unending vicious cycle
So what if a giant lending firm is in trouble
Bleed it out of the execs that live off it
They’ve never paid for anything
Why should we keep paying them?
I have no sympathy for them
They are all millionaires or billionaires
My thousands barely last a day past a pay cheque.
Mortgage, groceries, gasoline, VISA
Taxes on top of everything
Billionaire execs write everything off
They get to keep their money
Why should I bail them out?
They can start to feel like us
Helpless
There is only one solution to
The global financial crisis
I may be the only one with the correct answer
To know, you must buy my book
World Peace – A Novel
Until you understand I’m right
We will continue to suffer in debt for eternity.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
GAS PRICE LANGUAGE
GAS PRICE LANGUAGE
By John Ross Harvey
Surplus Oil: Gas prices rise to prevent shortage
Oil Shortage: Gas prices rise because there is a shortage
Cold: Gas prices rise because temperature drops
Hot: Gas prices rise because temperature increases
Storms: Gas prices rise with impending threat of hurricanes
Nat. Disaster: Gas prices rise as storage facilities near hurricane regions
War: Gas prices rise due to conflicts in oil nations
Government: Gas prices rise due to tax hikes
Price War: Gas prices rise as competition strengthens
Strong $: Weakening US dollar forces gas prices to rise
Weak $: Weakening Cdn dollar forces gas prices to rise
Incorrect
Speculation: Lawyer speak for we had no real reason to raise gas prices
But we did it anyway
Gas prices are way out of hand, it used to be 50 cents a litre was high
Now it’s approaching $1.50, and some provinces are already above that.
Legislate gas prices to be 49.9 forever
And then maybe we’ll stop complaining about the prices.
It’s bad enough we can’t afford to eat anymore, and our VISA bills are climbing sky-high
It’s not like you can walk to work for 50km, and transit is just as costly as driving these days.
Do something about it Mr. Harper, the election hounds will be waiting to show you the door if you don’t.
By John Ross Harvey
Surplus Oil: Gas prices rise to prevent shortage
Oil Shortage: Gas prices rise because there is a shortage
Cold: Gas prices rise because temperature drops
Hot: Gas prices rise because temperature increases
Storms: Gas prices rise with impending threat of hurricanes
Nat. Disaster: Gas prices rise as storage facilities near hurricane regions
War: Gas prices rise due to conflicts in oil nations
Government: Gas prices rise due to tax hikes
Price War: Gas prices rise as competition strengthens
Strong $: Weakening US dollar forces gas prices to rise
Weak $: Weakening Cdn dollar forces gas prices to rise
Incorrect
Speculation: Lawyer speak for we had no real reason to raise gas prices
But we did it anyway
Gas prices are way out of hand, it used to be 50 cents a litre was high
Now it’s approaching $1.50, and some provinces are already above that.
Legislate gas prices to be 49.9 forever
And then maybe we’ll stop complaining about the prices.
It’s bad enough we can’t afford to eat anymore, and our VISA bills are climbing sky-high
It’s not like you can walk to work for 50km, and transit is just as costly as driving these days.
Do something about it Mr. Harper, the election hounds will be waiting to show you the door if you don’t.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Root Canal
ROOTCANAL
By John Ross Harvey
What started as a possible ear-ache
Became a very strange day indeed
Going to the walk-in clinic complaining of my ear
The doctor uses his light device and said I have
No problem with my ears
He put pressure on my jaw, and pain switched sides
So I was told it was jaw problem,
Slightly out of alignment
A dentist would better be able to confirm this
Well, that didn’t help the fact that my ear still hurt
Take lots of Advil he said, not much else you can do
Thanks, doing that, not exactly working
Tell my wife what the doctor said
She insists I see the dentist
I mention at the dentist what the doctor said
They know that jaw condition and suggest a
Panoramic x-ray
Nice little radiation device spinning around my head
OK
I fill out my forms and wait for the result in a chair
The dentist shows me a tooth model
You don’t have a jaw problem
You have a big hole in your tooth
Not just any tooth, a molar with
Nerves attached to main nerve
That travels to your ear
So my tooth is hurting my ear
And we have to fix it
You need a root canal
OK
He’ll fit me in today so I’m not in pain for the weekend
(Today being yesterday)
OK
So I get the monster needle of Novocain inserted
I can’t feel my tongue
“Has the freezing kicked in?” he asks
I make some sort of “uh-huh” sound
They attach some kind of rubber shield device
To prevent leaking of whatever he’s using on my tooth
He does his drilling and extracting of dead tooth material
Apparently my teeth are highly curved roots, not straight at all
So it took longer than normal
It got filled with silver I can’t sell to pay for gasoline
He shakes my hand and says I’m done
Honestly not that much pain
The ear-ache was more pain than the operation
OK I have Anti-biotics and Advil in my system
This may deaden some of the feeling
But to everyone that thinks a Root Canal is Painful
WIMPS!
By John Ross Harvey
What started as a possible ear-ache
Became a very strange day indeed
Going to the walk-in clinic complaining of my ear
The doctor uses his light device and said I have
No problem with my ears
He put pressure on my jaw, and pain switched sides
So I was told it was jaw problem,
Slightly out of alignment
A dentist would better be able to confirm this
Well, that didn’t help the fact that my ear still hurt
Take lots of Advil he said, not much else you can do
Thanks, doing that, not exactly working
Tell my wife what the doctor said
She insists I see the dentist
I mention at the dentist what the doctor said
They know that jaw condition and suggest a
Panoramic x-ray
Nice little radiation device spinning around my head
OK
I fill out my forms and wait for the result in a chair
The dentist shows me a tooth model
You don’t have a jaw problem
You have a big hole in your tooth
Not just any tooth, a molar with
Nerves attached to main nerve
That travels to your ear
So my tooth is hurting my ear
And we have to fix it
You need a root canal
OK
He’ll fit me in today so I’m not in pain for the weekend
(Today being yesterday)
OK
So I get the monster needle of Novocain inserted
I can’t feel my tongue
“Has the freezing kicked in?” he asks
I make some sort of “uh-huh” sound
They attach some kind of rubber shield device
To prevent leaking of whatever he’s using on my tooth
He does his drilling and extracting of dead tooth material
Apparently my teeth are highly curved roots, not straight at all
So it took longer than normal
It got filled with silver I can’t sell to pay for gasoline
He shakes my hand and says I’m done
Honestly not that much pain
The ear-ache was more pain than the operation
OK I have Anti-biotics and Advil in my system
This may deaden some of the feeling
But to everyone that thinks a Root Canal is Painful
WIMPS!
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Magnetic Field - Volume V
MAGNETIC FIELD – VOLUME V
By John Ross Harvey
We’re buying a lot of gas these days,
Our bank accounts are feeling it
The banks seem to accept we’re all broke
But the Gas stations simply don’t care
They install the convenient machines at the pump
So you can Interac or use a Credit Card
But the annoying ones
I’m talking about ESSO
Have this stupid button for Speedpass
Something else to waste your money on
Except it’s right next to the keypad
You need to hide your code on
And because I have a Magnetic Hand
I cannot operate these machines
Without it claiming I cannot enter my Speedpass
At this time
Well, I’m not, I don’t have one
I’m covering the keypad with my left hand
The magnetic hand
Which their Speedpass button thinks
Is a real Speedpass.
Do me a favour, rip the machines out
I have to yell at the cashier because the
Lousy pump machine won’t work
Because my hand registers as a Speedpass.
Life is tough with powers
By John Ross Harvey
We’re buying a lot of gas these days,
Our bank accounts are feeling it
The banks seem to accept we’re all broke
But the Gas stations simply don’t care
They install the convenient machines at the pump
So you can Interac or use a Credit Card
But the annoying ones
I’m talking about ESSO
Have this stupid button for Speedpass
Something else to waste your money on
Except it’s right next to the keypad
You need to hide your code on
And because I have a Magnetic Hand
I cannot operate these machines
Without it claiming I cannot enter my Speedpass
At this time
Well, I’m not, I don’t have one
I’m covering the keypad with my left hand
The magnetic hand
Which their Speedpass button thinks
Is a real Speedpass.
Do me a favour, rip the machines out
I have to yell at the cashier because the
Lousy pump machine won’t work
Because my hand registers as a Speedpass.
Life is tough with powers
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Mobile Snowbanks
MOBILE SNOWBANKS
By John Ross Harvey
Yet another lovely winter storm today.
Yet more increase in the population of the
Three Forces Of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks et al.
What most of these brainless individuals
Do not realize
Is that by Heating up their vehicle
That is covered with a mountaintop of snow
They are too lazy to remove
Is that in doing so, it creates a layer of water
Which most smart people know
Flows rather quickly
So these losers, of which I’ve seen
More today than digits on my hand and feet
Lose their load of un-cleared roof snow
Directly into their windshield
AS THEY ARE DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not only did it happen,
The completely Impaired idiots
KEPT ON GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How anyone with any brain cells
Can think this is a safe practice
Is beyond human comprehension
Nobody with a brain is that STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So if you are one of these losers
WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By John Ross Harvey
Yet another lovely winter storm today.
Yet more increase in the population of the
Three Forces Of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks et al.
What most of these brainless individuals
Do not realize
Is that by Heating up their vehicle
That is covered with a mountaintop of snow
They are too lazy to remove
Is that in doing so, it creates a layer of water
Which most smart people know
Flows rather quickly
So these losers, of which I’ve seen
More today than digits on my hand and feet
Lose their load of un-cleared roof snow
Directly into their windshield
AS THEY ARE DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not only did it happen,
The completely Impaired idiots
KEPT ON GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How anyone with any brain cells
Can think this is a safe practice
Is beyond human comprehension
Nobody with a brain is that STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So if you are one of these losers
WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Common Sense
COMMON SENSE
By John Ross Harvey
One would think that common sense
Would suggest certain things to people
Like how snow is not as see-through as glass for instance
Or that lights work when it’s not sunny outside
Or that brakes prevent you from hitting things
Or that signals indicate to others just what the hell you’re up to
And that left and right are not interchangeable directions
They are very much indeed the opposite of each other
Yet another minor snowfall occurs and all of the above
Goes out the window.
People without common sense continue to prove their stupidity
Driving snow covered vehicles they can’t see out of
Without lights on while its overcast and raining or snowing
Don’t bother to indicate direction changes, never mind do them properly
And always clog up an intersection to leave me without a doubt
Of their absolute stupidity.
90% of them are driving GREY CARS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blending into the landscape of grey roads under grey skies.
By John Ross Harvey
One would think that common sense
Would suggest certain things to people
Like how snow is not as see-through as glass for instance
Or that lights work when it’s not sunny outside
Or that brakes prevent you from hitting things
Or that signals indicate to others just what the hell you’re up to
And that left and right are not interchangeable directions
They are very much indeed the opposite of each other
Yet another minor snowfall occurs and all of the above
Goes out the window.
People without common sense continue to prove their stupidity
Driving snow covered vehicles they can’t see out of
Without lights on while its overcast and raining or snowing
Don’t bother to indicate direction changes, never mind do them properly
And always clog up an intersection to leave me without a doubt
Of their absolute stupidity.
90% of them are driving GREY CARS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blending into the landscape of grey roads under grey skies.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
BMW X-DRIVE
BMW X-DRIVE
By John Ross Harvey
You must’ve heard the commercials,
The big snowstorm,
The family to pick up,
Don’t worry; you have a BMW,
With X-Drive all wheel drive.
One small problem,
How many BMW owners do you know,
That can actually drive?
The majority of BMW motorists I’ve seen
Cannot drive at all
This commercial just told these people
That they are invincible
Big mistake!
The statistics after Christmas of
BMW accidents should be huge
Thanks to poor advertising.
Never tell someone that can’t drive
That their vehicle can drive for them.
By John Ross Harvey
You must’ve heard the commercials,
The big snowstorm,
The family to pick up,
Don’t worry; you have a BMW,
With X-Drive all wheel drive.
One small problem,
How many BMW owners do you know,
That can actually drive?
The majority of BMW motorists I’ve seen
Cannot drive at all
This commercial just told these people
That they are invincible
Big mistake!
The statistics after Christmas of
BMW accidents should be huge
Thanks to poor advertising.
Never tell someone that can’t drive
That their vehicle can drive for them.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
By John Ross Harvey
Christmas is a time for giving
And receiving
And Eating
And Drinking
And taking Advil when the Bills come in
And Boxing Day Sales
Are two days late
Merry Christmas
By John Ross Harvey
Christmas is a time for giving
And receiving
And Eating
And Drinking
And taking Advil when the Bills come in
And Boxing Day Sales
Are two days late
Merry Christmas
CHRISTMAS EVE
CHRISTMAS EVE
By John Ross Harvey
Christmas and New Year’s Day
Have Eves
The day before is now an Evening
Well not really
But what you do on that day
Will happen in the evening
On Christmas Eve
You will finish shopping while
The stores close
In the Evening
You will wrap gifts
In the Evening
You will assume the role of
Santa Claus for your kids
In the Evening
You will then fall asleep
In the Evening
Whether you had anything to drink
Or not
In the Evening
By John Ross Harvey
Christmas and New Year’s Day
Have Eves
The day before is now an Evening
Well not really
But what you do on that day
Will happen in the evening
On Christmas Eve
You will finish shopping while
The stores close
In the Evening
You will wrap gifts
In the Evening
You will assume the role of
Santa Claus for your kids
In the Evening
You will then fall asleep
In the Evening
Whether you had anything to drink
Or not
In the Evening
P.C. INSANITY - REPRISE
POLITICALLY CORRECT INSANITY
By John Ross Harvey
Bald= Folliclely Challenged
Why not Skin Surplused?
Short= Vertically Challenged
How about Less Tall?
Santa Claus=Holiday Figure
Why not Santa Claus?
Winter-een-mas= Winter between Hallowe’en and Christmas
What a stupid word
Vegetarian= Protein Challenged
Carnivore= Vegetable Challenged
Coffee Drinker= Caffeine Enhanced
Tea Drinker= Tannin Enhanced
Pop Drinker= Carbonation Enhanced
Energy Drinker= Machine Challenged
IT = Technologically Enhanced
IT client= Technologically Challenged
Milk Drinker= Calcium Enhanced
Bread Eater= Gluten Enhanced
Low-Carb Dieter= Carbohydrate Challenged
Politician= Lie Enhanced
Voter= Tax Challenged
Mechanic= Cash Enhanced
Supermodel= Weight and Clothing Challenged
Actor= Paparazzi Challenged
Singer= Vocally Enhanced
Musician= Instrumentally Enhanced
That could cover many things
Cheetah= Speed Enhanced Feline
Lion= Energy Challenged Feline
Tiger= Colour Enhanced Feline
Wolf= Predatorily Enhanced Canine
Hawk= Glide Enhanced Avian
Hummingbird= Wing Speed Enhanced Avian
Rose= Thorn Enhanced Vegetation
Vines= Vertically Capable Vegetation
Readers= Thought Enhanced Winners
Complainers= Brain Deprived Losers
Humourists= Comedy Enhanced
Internet Scammers= Nigerian Dictators
By John Ross Harvey
Bald= Folliclely Challenged
Why not Skin Surplused?
Short= Vertically Challenged
How about Less Tall?
Santa Claus=Holiday Figure
Why not Santa Claus?
Winter-een-mas= Winter between Hallowe’en and Christmas
What a stupid word
Vegetarian= Protein Challenged
Carnivore= Vegetable Challenged
Coffee Drinker= Caffeine Enhanced
Tea Drinker= Tannin Enhanced
Pop Drinker= Carbonation Enhanced
Energy Drinker= Machine Challenged
IT = Technologically Enhanced
IT client= Technologically Challenged
Milk Drinker= Calcium Enhanced
Bread Eater= Gluten Enhanced
Low-Carb Dieter= Carbohydrate Challenged
Politician= Lie Enhanced
Voter= Tax Challenged
Mechanic= Cash Enhanced
Supermodel= Weight and Clothing Challenged
Actor= Paparazzi Challenged
Singer= Vocally Enhanced
Musician= Instrumentally Enhanced
That could cover many things
Cheetah= Speed Enhanced Feline
Lion= Energy Challenged Feline
Tiger= Colour Enhanced Feline
Wolf= Predatorily Enhanced Canine
Hawk= Glide Enhanced Avian
Hummingbird= Wing Speed Enhanced Avian
Rose= Thorn Enhanced Vegetation
Vines= Vertically Capable Vegetation
Readers= Thought Enhanced Winners
Complainers= Brain Deprived Losers
Humourists= Comedy Enhanced
Internet Scammers= Nigerian Dictators
Monday, December 17, 2007
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Ode to Larry The Cable Guy: Words of Wisdom
ODE TO LARRY THE CABLE GUY
WORDS OF WISDOM
By John Ross Harvey
Read Slowly
1. A day without sunshine is not too bright.
2. On the other foot, you have different toes.
3. 57.3 percent of all statistics aren’t made up on the spot. (I said, 'Read slowly'
4. 1 percent of lawyers have a good name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are above average.
6. He who laughs first thinks the fastest.
7. Anger is merely depression with enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but why would he want too?
9. Support bacteria. They're more cultured than some people I know.
10. A bad memory is the sign of a clear conscience.
11. Change is inevitable, except from Politicians and vending machines.
12. Try missing a couple of payments, then you’ll know who cares.
13. Raise my hand if you believe in psycho-kinesis?
14. OK, is the speed of light faster than speed of dark?
15. When you're in the wrong lane. Things keep coming at you.
16. Laziness pays off now. Hard work is for other people.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without Sponge Bob?
18. Weasels may be vermin, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. If you get scared half to death, twice, do you know?
20. How good is a psychic asking you for your name?
21. There is a younger person inside older persons
Wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- we would all fall off the world
If it didn’t suck.
23. Why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Because light travels faster than sound.
WORDS OF WISDOM
By John Ross Harvey
Read Slowly
1. A day without sunshine is not too bright.
2. On the other foot, you have different toes.
3. 57.3 percent of all statistics aren’t made up on the spot. (I said, 'Read slowly'
4. 1 percent of lawyers have a good name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are above average.
6. He who laughs first thinks the fastest.
7. Anger is merely depression with enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but why would he want too?
9. Support bacteria. They're more cultured than some people I know.
10. A bad memory is the sign of a clear conscience.
11. Change is inevitable, except from Politicians and vending machines.
12. Try missing a couple of payments, then you’ll know who cares.
13. Raise my hand if you believe in psycho-kinesis?
14. OK, is the speed of light faster than speed of dark?
15. When you're in the wrong lane. Things keep coming at you.
16. Laziness pays off now. Hard work is for other people.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without Sponge Bob?
18. Weasels may be vermin, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. If you get scared half to death, twice, do you know?
20. How good is a psychic asking you for your name?
21. There is a younger person inside older persons
Wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- we would all fall off the world
If it didn’t suck.
23. Why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Because light travels faster than sound.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Parked Car Etiquette
PARKED CAR ETIQUETTE
By John Ross Harvey
There are rules to parking
If in a driveway, do not block a sidewalk
If in a mall, use a parking space
NOT A FIRELANE!
Only use a designated space if you qualify
For that designation
If on a street, do not park at the intersection
Directly behind the stop sign
When you are parked on the street
And traffic is moving to get around you
Wait your turn to enter traffic
You should never start up and go
As vehicles on your left are likely
Only there because you parked on the right
And will most likely require that right lane
To turn from
I see this far too often at Starbuck’s at
Queen and Dovercourt in Toronto
They are parking illegally already
Then they simply continue from their illegal
Parking space
To annoy the traffic that is legally in the lanes
You have been given eyesight for a reason
Use it properlyDo not enter traffic without checking for clear access.
By John Ross Harvey
There are rules to parking
If in a driveway, do not block a sidewalk
If in a mall, use a parking space
NOT A FIRELANE!
Only use a designated space if you qualify
For that designation
If on a street, do not park at the intersection
Directly behind the stop sign
When you are parked on the street
And traffic is moving to get around you
Wait your turn to enter traffic
You should never start up and go
As vehicles on your left are likely
Only there because you parked on the right
And will most likely require that right lane
To turn from
I see this far too often at Starbuck’s at
Queen and Dovercourt in Toronto
They are parking illegally already
Then they simply continue from their illegal
Parking space
To annoy the traffic that is legally in the lanes
You have been given eyesight for a reason
Use it properlyDo not enter traffic without checking for clear access.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Driving Instructors
DRIVING INSTRUCTORS
By John Ross Harvey
It shouldn’t be just me
But motorists in my part of this world
Are normally very bad
Personally I blame the instructors
Many of which drive as poorly as
The rest of the motorists that annoy me.
Headlights are your #1 safety tool
They provide visibility for you and
More importantly visibility “of you”
Far too many “instructors” do not insist on using these
In conditions where they are definitely required
They also seem to be teaching this turning in wrong lane disease
Left turns go to left lanes, not centre, not right, LEFT!
Right turns go to right lanes, not centre, and not left, RIGHT!
Most of these learner vehicles are grey
Mostly the skies are grey
Always the roads are grey
Grey cars, grey roads, grey skies, no lights, NO SEE!
No wonder everyone I encounter on my commutes
Cannot drive properly
The Instructors cannot drive properly either!
Light travels faster than a car
It’s not rocket science it’s more visible than your car
So why prove stupidity by not using them?
I will close and say one thing of instructors I’ve seen
Only “Young Drivers” instructors use headlights properly
No other company I’ve seen does.
We don’t live in Australia where everything is backwards to us.
Go forward, be Canadian, use a light switch!
By John Ross Harvey
It shouldn’t be just me
But motorists in my part of this world
Are normally very bad
Personally I blame the instructors
Many of which drive as poorly as
The rest of the motorists that annoy me.
Headlights are your #1 safety tool
They provide visibility for you and
More importantly visibility “of you”
Far too many “instructors” do not insist on using these
In conditions where they are definitely required
They also seem to be teaching this turning in wrong lane disease
Left turns go to left lanes, not centre, not right, LEFT!
Right turns go to right lanes, not centre, and not left, RIGHT!
Most of these learner vehicles are grey
Mostly the skies are grey
Always the roads are grey
Grey cars, grey roads, grey skies, no lights, NO SEE!
No wonder everyone I encounter on my commutes
Cannot drive properly
The Instructors cannot drive properly either!
Light travels faster than a car
It’s not rocket science it’s more visible than your car
So why prove stupidity by not using them?
I will close and say one thing of instructors I’ve seen
Only “Young Drivers” instructors use headlights properly
No other company I’ve seen does.
We don’t live in Australia where everything is backwards to us.
Go forward, be Canadian, use a light switch!
Monday, November 12, 2007
When To Turn On Headlights
WHEN TO TURN ON HEADLIGHTS
By John Ross Harvey
Clue#1: The sky isn’t blue
Clue#2: It’s raining
Clue#3: It’s foggy
Clue#4: It’s dark out
Clue#5: You’re car is grey
Clue#6: You can’t see
Clue#7: Someone hit you…..too late!
By John Ross Harvey
Clue#1: The sky isn’t blue
Clue#2: It’s raining
Clue#3: It’s foggy
Clue#4: It’s dark out
Clue#5: You’re car is grey
Clue#6: You can’t see
Clue#7: Someone hit you…..too late!
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