Friday, September 14, 2007

Ode to Bob Newhart-Driving Instructor

By John Ross Harvey

Before I begin
Bob wrote his close to 40 years ago
I am merely writing my version as an ode to his
So if you’re upset that the learning driver is a woman
Change it to a man
Problem solved

Thank you for choosing Harvey’s Driving School Mrs. Beederman
Now what’s the first thing we do after getting into the car?
No the gas pedal won’t work yet Mrs. Beederman
I’m not giving you the keys yet, try again.
Seatbelt Mrs. Beederman, mine’s on already.
Now I’ll hand you the keys
Aren’t you forgetting something?
It’s a bit dark outside
The Light SWITCH!!!!!!!!!!!
Man, that truck was a close call
OK, the lights are on now, people can see you weaving in and out
I hope you’re using a signal Mrs. Beederman
You’re not?Ooh boy
Now would be a good time to start Mrs. Beederman
But next time make sure you have room to move
That man’s horn was pretty loud wasn’t it?
STOPLIGHT!The brakes on the left Mrs. Beederman!
OK, breathe deeply
It’s green, please check to see……………
That was a pedestrian giving us directions Mrs. Beederman
I believe he wants us to go UP
I know something that’s up
Could you turn right here please?
Next time could you do so from the right lane?
And could you enter the right one as well?
Most people don’t expect you from the left.
That’s how they do it in your neighbourhood?
And you live where?
I’ll write that down
Do not drive in………
What’s that Mrs. Beederman?
Oh the flashing lights, that’s a police cruiser
Yes, he wants you to stop
Now, would be good, signal to the right please
Brake is on the left, that’s it
Yes, hello officer
Yes, she’s new to driving
No, I didn’t check the speedometer
85 miles an hour?
So that’s why I lost my toupee?
I’ll be sure to check more closely next time
Ok Mrs. Beederman they’re letting you off with a warning
It would be good if you could read the speed limit signs
You can’t read?
Do you know your numbers?
Bad at math, huh, I see.
That’s a problem
See reading numbers and signs is what you need to do
Your husband doesn’t
Ok, so he taught you to drive this way?
That explains a lot
And when the snow falls, what does he do?
Turns on the wipers and drives away.
I was afraid of that.
OK that’s the Department of Motor Vehicles on the left
You need to signal and turn left
Next time could you see if the road is clear of oncoming traffic?
Ok park in that space there
The one directly straight ahead
The brake is the left one
Very good
Did you learn anything?
You weren’t paying attention
I believe I noticed
Same to you Mrs. Beederman

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