Thursday, May 27, 2010

Everything I need to learn to Drive I learned in Elementary School

Colours, Shapes, and Counting. Simple Math. Not Rocket Science.

What colour are traffic lights?
Red, Yellow, Green (you really think an elemenary school kid says Amber?)

What shape is a car?
What shape is an escape lane?
What shape was the sign you didn't read?
Diamond, ok a tipped square

What is the most important 4 letter word when driving?

How many lanes do you get when turning once?
What's the difference between 1 and 2?
2 is a loser, 1 is a winner
What is the difference between Left and Right?
Frankly most GTA motorists cannot figure this out
They get it wrong frequently, related to questions above

What's the difference between a parking lot and an intersection?
Motorists park in intersections, drivers park in parking lots
What's the difference between a fire lane and a parking spot?
Fire lanes are for EMERGENCY vehicles ONLY!
Your Nissan getting groceries is NOT an EMERGENCY!

Does a rectangular car fit into a triangular lane?
NO, start reading the diamond shaped road sign.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Cheap DNA Test

Take the kid in question
Ask them to do a #2 in the toilet
Once they've succeeded
Do not flush
Leave it coating the bowl walls
Ask the suspected father
To do a #1 against the bowl
If his #1 removes their #2
They're related
I just saved you $1000's of dollars
On a DNA test

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Against The Norm

I am a descendant of Scottish Presbyterians
My wife is descendant of Irish Catholics
In Ireland, North Ireland specifically
That means WAR.
In Chinese Zodiac I am a Fire Horse
My wife according to this a Water Rabbit
Fire and Water obviously do not get along
And Rabbits and Horses are supposed to be bad pairings
In September our pairing will be 15 years of marriage.
As I am also born in June
Geminis are supposed to be Extroverted Gossips
I am an Introverted Listener
My wife is a Libra or a Scorpio depending whose chart picks the end date.
Since I am a double edged sword as a Gemini
Her balanced attitude as a Libra takes precedence.

What's also against the Norm in my commute?
I can actually drive!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Twitter has a case of the Zeros

For some reason some hacker chose
May 10 2010 to have people automatically follow them
Which caused twitter to temporarily
Make all users show 0 following and 0 followers
So for once we have as many as
@aplusk (Ashton Kutcher)
@ryanseacrest (like you don't know)
@theellenshow (again as if)
@thedalailama (because you can)
@aaronpritchett (because he said so about the dalailama)
@biz (he's the twitter guy that speaks/tweets)
@beerhaze thought he may have to switch from beer to heroin
But I don't recommend that
At some point we get our following and followers back
Or we don't keep count
I'm good with that
Maybe then @oprah will have read my book I sent her
And @shortyawards will make a road safety category for next time
But I doubt it
One day likely to be forgotten when the numbers return
Where's HURLEY from L O S T when you need him?

Monday, May 03, 2010


Most people around my age,
Already have them for a few years.
Some never did.
Others like me, never checked
Because my eyes see fine.
Well that's 50% correct.
My left eye is perfect.
Sees everything properly.
My right eye has a stigmatism.
Or is it astigmatism?
I need reading glasses.
I'm exact opposite to my son
Who also thought his eyes were fine.
We are mirror images, but he uses his for computer.
I won't be.
My daughter needs fulltime glasses.
My wife has had them for longer than I knew her.
My side of the family all have them.
I suppose I was doomed.
I almost got 44 years though.
First the hair, then the eyes.
I don't want to know what's next.
Oh yeah, Drive-Clean!
That's worse.