Monday, July 30, 2007


By John Ross Harvey

Everybody sees a new diet that they think will help them
Look better or lose weight, or feel better
Many involve cutting certain foods from your diet
Like the Atkin’s protein diet, cutting carbs
As much as I love protein, and I do love protein
I cannot live without carbs, as I love them too
There are no-fat, low-fat diets
Then there’s what I’m on
The William Shatner, All-Bran 2 week challenge.
Except I’m on day 1, so nothing noticeable yet.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Smart Cars Volume II

By John Ross Harvey

You’ve seen them,
Little golf-cart sized 2 seaters
What’s SMART about them
In accident, you will lose
Good on gas fine
Semi-affordable, if you have a semi-decent income, fine
Gonna lose in a fender bender
Not so fine
There’s just a bumper, you and the bumper
Chances are if you hit someone else’s
Their bumper will go past the one that’s behind you.
So I ask you
Why call them SMART?
Subcompact Motorized Auto Reduced to Trash

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


By John Ross Harvey

Good drivers have good driving habits
Signaling lane changes
Stopping at blocked intersections
Using headlights
Clearing snow
Bad drivers have bad driving habits
Never signaling
Always blocking intersections
Never using headlights
Never clearing snow
But people themselves had odd habits unrelated to driving.
Such as the following habits of mine:
Sandwiches (Grilled Cheese mostly) cut in rectangles, not triangles.
Eating junk food in multiples of 2, 2 cookies, 4 Smarties, 16 chips
It’s a little bit difficult to count Macaroni elbows, so I count spoonfuls.
Count bites into ice-cream bars like Fudgesicles, must be a multiple of 16.
Cutting food into even number of morsels (16)
A specific cut pattern for round food like pancakes and sausage patties.
No food is mixed unless I decide I like that mix,
So Broccoli and Beef are not mixed with rice when I eat a stir-fry
But I will gladly mix cranberries with my rice, just not while having broccoli
I will gladly pour Maple Syrup over sausages and bacon too.
My best fruit intake, and taste testing, is via alcoholic beverages
I would likely never eat a bowl of mixed mango, kiwi, lime, and pomegranate
But I’ll drink a cooler with that mix.
I gave up ketchup many years ago
I gave up salt many years ago, if its there I can’t do much about it, but I never add it.
I don’t drink coffee, but can manage cappuccino or iced caps.
I prefer tea, no sugar, just milk.
Gave up sugar adding ages ago too.
I prefer hot dogs plain, but barbequed or broiled, and well browned/burned and split.
Steaks must be medium-rare; I like the blood/juice melt-in mouth texture.
Eggs, for many years only hard-boiled would do, now I can handle scrambled
It was seeing them smothered in ketchup that turned me off for many years.
Fried is also good, but less runny, more hardened please.
So everybody has quirky habits
Usually associated with food
What are your habits?

Monday, July 23, 2007

Acronyms Are for Life (AAFL)

By John Ross Harvey

You watch TV
Your favourite shows are ER & CSI
Your work must be done ASAP
Email jokes respond with LOL
Headaches require some ASA
And that’s Another Stupid Acronym
Documents must be saved in PDF
Your dream TV is and LCD
Your dream car is a GTO
You commute on the TTC or the GO
If you don’t commute you drive an SUV
Or you have an ancient LTD
You can’t wait for the weekend TGIF
You need help you use SOS
You can’t escape them

Friday, July 20, 2007

Horn Happy Harry(iet)s

By John Ross Harvey

You know the type
The light turns green
And regardless of what’s in front of you
This guy/girl from 4 cars back will HONK
0.0000000000000000000000000000001s after it turned green
Could be a fire truck coming
A pedestrian walking
(How inhuman is that behaviour?)
Or traffic may just not be moving
Like a blocked Intersection or Highway Volume
If their lane has ended and they’ve yet to signal out
They will HONK like we’re supposed to let them in.
You will be backing out of a parking space
And because they feel you’re in their way
They will HONK
Instead of letting you out.
They will go to find their friend in an apartment complex
Where a call button gizmo is useful
And HONK from the driveway, like 500 other people aren’t listening.
Just once I’d like to see these HHH’s honk at a cop
The unmarked variety so it’s a real shock to their system.
Maybe they’ll finally learn patience.
But that’s impossible
Just like skiing through a revolving door

Monday, July 16, 2007


By John Ross Harvey

When I first started eating Fudgeos as a child
They had 3 dots on each side of the cookie
Of Chocolate filling
That’s what made them identifiable
Compared to a typical chocolate filled cookie
Or even an Oreo
(I hate Oreos)
I say we petition the makers of Fudgeos
To put the Dots back in
Fudgeos need to be real Fudgeos
Otherwise it’s just another Chocolate filled cookieLet’s do it now!

Friday, July 13, 2007

Stupid Questions

By John Ross Harvey

Inevitably you will be asked a question
That defies your own personal limits of stupidity
Like when you say you work in Toronto
(A city of close to 3 million people)
And they ask: “Do you know this guy we met a few years ago?”
When they visited Toronto
You’re polite answer is of course: “Well, I guess we never crossed paths.”
But inside you really want to say: “What are you, an idiot?”
You could be an operator and someone will ask
The phone number for 1-800 something company
If you’re walking your dog in the park c/w a leash attached
And a guy asks: “Is this your dog?”
“Why, yes.” You say, but want to say. “What was your first clue genius?”
An old colleague of mine once told me his favourite saying
“Genius has Limits, Stupidity is Boundless.”A truer statement was never said.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Motorists Are Diseased

By John Ross Harvey

The majority of the motorists I see on our roads
Are suffering from a disease
It’s known as DDD
Directional Deficit Disorder
Here are the Symptoms:
-Failure to read and/or believe road signs like
-Inability to stay in one lane for extended periods
-Inability to signal a lane change
-Inability to turn left into a left lane
-Inability to turn right into a right lane
(Two lanes at once, means you’re a dunce, get psychological help)
-Inability to accept a lane opening while merging
-Inability to notice parked cars blocking their lanes
(Also known as PPCPPS or Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putz Syndrome)
-Inability to stop at a blocked intersection
(Also known as BI or Blocked Intersectionitis)
-Using escape lanes to pass people
Commonly known as ELB or Escape Lane Bandits
I call them LLL or Lost Lane Losers
The only thing being proven by any of these activities
Is the stupidity of the motorist, and how infected they are by this disease.
No one is completely immune
I have seen Driving Instructors and Police with these afflictions
It’s amazing how much better someone can drive
If they bother to read, or use their eyesight.
This ends your Public Service Announcement

Friday, July 06, 2007

New 7 Wonders Of The World

By John Ross Harvey

Time is ticking
Voting ends today
For the new 7 wonders of the modern world
Neuschwanstein is 1 of 7 that I’m voting for.
The other 6 are as follows:
Acropolis of Greece
Easter Island Statues
Eiffel Tower
Taj Mahal
And Sydney’s Opera House
Neuschwanstein is the quintessential dream castle
Kylemore Abbey in Ireland is it’s equal in my opinion
And not a choice to vote for
There are 21 choices and less than half a day to vote
Sadly Canada’s CN Tower is not among the choices
US Statue of Liberty is a choice
And I suspect will be one of the 7 winners.
Which is why I am voting for 7 other choices.
07/07/07 announcement in Lisbon
Vote Now!

Thursday, July 05, 2007


By John Ross Harvey

Let’s face it
Dashboards are shelves
Just look at any company trucks
The dashboards are full of maps, tickets, letters, and junk
In a very frantic stopping maneuver
This is likely a bad thing
Papers flying everywhere!
My own dashboard is full of junk too
My broken radio antenna (or Aerial),
My recently broken wiper blade,
Many parking lot stubs,
And a Dr. Doom Figurine my kids gave me.
Dr. Doom is the greatest misunderstood comic villain
He fits between the glass and the dashboard
Right in front of my steering wheel
None of these items have flown off yet
But it’s probably not going to be pretty if they do
Perhaps I should clean my dashboard?
Before I get decapitated
What’s on your dashboard?

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Wiper Blades

By John Ross Harvey

Most wipers are made somewhat universal
Many have an ability to grab a wiper arm hook
That’s what my car has, hooks
Yet my wipers do not lock on that hook
At least the passenger side does not
Twice this morning in the rain
The passenger side wiper came off
The first time I was able to pull over
And reinstall it on the hook
Quiet street, low speed limit, lots of parking area
The second time, I was not
And it fell to the road
Lakeshore Boulevard
A very busy street, higher speed limit, nowhere to park
I had to drive back to the area, park illegally
Put on my 4-way hazard lights
And wait for traffic to stop for the red light
So I could grab my wiper blade
Right in front of the Police car
Sadly, it got well run over
And my car is now 1 blade short of a clear window
The arm is up to prevent scratching the window
So in essence, it’s lifting a finger to the world
Take that, useless wiper blade!

Chocolate Is Good For You

By John Ross Harvey

From news article found at

Findings are interesting because they suggest it takes only a 6.3 gram serving of dark chocolate per day - only 30 calories worth - to lower blood pressure. In the study, researchers from the University Hospital in Cologne, Germany gave 44 volunteers, aged 55 to 75 years, either 6.3 grams of dark chocolate or an equivalent 30 calorie portion of white chocolate for 18 weeks. Participants were otherwise healthy except for having prehypertension or hypertension and were not taking blood pressure medications.
After 18 weeks, no one gained weight but only dark chocolate eaters experienced a decline in blood pressure. Everyone in the dark chocolate group had lower systolic or diastolic blood pressure and four people moved from hypertension to prehypertension.
The researchers noted that while the magnitude of blood pressure lowering was small, it was noteworthy. On a population level, such reductions would lower deaths from stroke and heart disease.
This isn't the first study to demonstrate chocolate's ability to reduce elevated blood pressure. In 2005, Italian researchers reported that eating a daily dose (100 grams) of dark chocolate for two weeks lowered blood pressure in 20 men and women with high blood pressure. Other studies have found similar results. But 100 grams of dark chocolate translates into 470 calories and 30 grams of fat - and amount that over the long term could cause weight gain and undo the positive effects on blood pressure.

See, Chocolate is good for you
Scientists agree
But Dark is Best
Travel on over to the Dark Side
The Force is Strong in this One

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Warnings and Labels

By John Ross Harvey

Soup Mix: Pour in contents and reduce heat…… what??????
Microwave dinners: Be careful, it’s hot!……Not before I cook it!
Soft drink cans: Lift and pull back tab………Is this for the rocket scientists?
Candy bars: May contain traces of nuts……..It does or does not? Answer the question!
Pillows: Removing tag is a federal offense….The secret agency of pillow enforcement or SAPE
That’s almost as funny as Johnny Fever on WKRP’s Phone cops.
Cardboard boxed food: Open other end…….Finally a sense of humour!
Ice Cream: Keep Frozen…………………….Then its just Cream, not Ice
Scented Candles: Contains essential oils…….PCP???? Hash????
Dashboard of new vehicles: Caution-Air Bag….Children in the back seat, you Unfit Parent!

Monday, July 02, 2007

Metro Toronto Police

I went to the free outdoor concert Country 95 puts on every year
and parking on the grass at Lakeshore has never been an issue.
5th year going and the lovely Metro Police decide to make a quick pile of dough
and ticket around 1000's of cars with $50 tickets
Where are they supposed to park losers??????????????
You have no lots, TTC doesn't even go there
and the Mayor approves the concert venue every year
which means Metro Police, you were very bad
and need to pay for your actions,
by making all of those 1000's of tickets
null and void