Thursday, December 20, 2007


By John Ross Harvey

Christmas is a time for giving
And receiving
And Eating
And Drinking
And taking Advil when the Bills come in
And Boxing Day Sales
Are two days late
Merry Christmas


By John Ross Harvey

Christmas and New Year’s Day
Have Eves
The day before is now an Evening
Well not really
But what you do on that day
Will happen in the evening
On Christmas Eve
You will finish shopping while
The stores close
In the Evening
You will wrap gifts
In the Evening
You will assume the role of
Santa Claus for your kids
In the Evening
You will then fall asleep
In the Evening
Whether you had anything to drink
Or not
In the Evening


By John Ross Harvey

Bald= Folliclely Challenged
Why not Skin Surplused?
Short= Vertically Challenged
How about Less Tall?
Santa Claus=Holiday Figure
Why not Santa Claus?
Winter-een-mas= Winter between Hallowe’en and Christmas
What a stupid word
Vegetarian= Protein Challenged
Carnivore= Vegetable Challenged
Coffee Drinker= Caffeine Enhanced
Tea Drinker= Tannin Enhanced
Pop Drinker= Carbonation Enhanced
Energy Drinker= Machine Challenged
IT = Technologically Enhanced
IT client= Technologically Challenged
Milk Drinker= Calcium Enhanced
Bread Eater= Gluten Enhanced
Low-Carb Dieter= Carbohydrate Challenged
Politician= Lie Enhanced
Voter= Tax Challenged
Mechanic= Cash Enhanced
Supermodel= Weight and Clothing Challenged
Actor= Paparazzi Challenged
Singer= Vocally Enhanced
Musician= Instrumentally Enhanced
That could cover many things
Cheetah= Speed Enhanced Feline
Lion= Energy Challenged Feline
Tiger= Colour Enhanced Feline
Wolf= Predatorily Enhanced Canine
Hawk= Glide Enhanced Avian
Hummingbird= Wing Speed Enhanced Avian
Rose= Thorn Enhanced Vegetation
Vines= Vertically Capable Vegetation
Readers= Thought Enhanced Winners
Complainers= Brain Deprived Losers
Humourists= Comedy Enhanced
Internet Scammers= Nigerian Dictators

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Ode to Larry The Cable Guy: Words of Wisdom

By John Ross Harvey

Read Slowly

1. A day without sunshine is not too bright.

2. On the other foot, you have different toes.

3. 57.3 percent of all statistics aren’t made up on the spot. (I said, 'Read slowly'

4. 1 percent of lawyers have a good name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are above average.

6. He who laughs first thinks the fastest.

7. Anger is merely depression with enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but why would he want too?

9. Support bacteria. They're more cultured than some people I know.

10. A bad memory is the sign of a clear conscience.

11. Change is inevitable, except from Politicians and vending machines.

12. Try missing a couple of payments, then you’ll know who cares.

13. Raise my hand if you believe in psycho-kinesis?

14. OK, is the speed of light faster than speed of dark?

15. When you're in the wrong lane. Things keep coming at you.

16. Laziness pays off now. Hard work is for other people.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without Sponge Bob?

18. Weasels may be vermin, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. If you get scared half to death, twice, do you know?

20. How good is a psychic asking you for your name?

21. There is a younger person inside older persons
Wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- we would all fall off the world
If it didn’t suck.

23. Why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Because light travels faster than sound.