Friday, March 31, 2006


originally posted July 18, 2005 at

By John Ross Harvey

Have you all noticed that things these days are going Retro?
You know like Teletoon showing Spiderman, Bugs Bunny, and Rocket Robin Hood.
Rocket Robin Hood, quite the show; it reminds you every episode just who everyone is.
Do I really need to know about Friar Tuck and Little John every episode?
It’s not Nottingham, it’s N.O.T.T. National Outer space Terrestrial Territories.
Ok, National means it’s a country
Outer space means the Universe
Terrestrial means Earth
Territories means Canada.
You guessed it. Canadian television.
Then you have Retro cars, like the Bug, Beetle, Punch buggy.
OK, it’s a Volkswagen, which looks like a Volkswagen.
The Mini looks like a Mini
The Mustang and T-Bird look like the old Mustang and T-Birds
Then you have Chevy
Let’s make the Impala with 4 taillights instead of the 6 it’s always had since 1958.
Hello, 4 Taillights is a Belair, not an Impala.
Those people at General Motors need to watch Rocket Robin Hood.
Then you have the Retro movies
Starsky & Hutch, cool cop drama, becomes lame comedy, with classic car.
If you’re going to do a car movie comedy, do the Dukes of Hazzard!
Or Knight Rider, with the K.I.T.T. Knight Industries Two Thousand
Did they watch Rocket Robin Hood?

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Stephen Segal Movies Volume 2

Originally posted Oct. 15 2005 at

By John Ross Harvey

If you read Volume 1 you may have wanted more
Three syllable titles for potential movies by Stephen Segal
Here’s some more: (That’s 3 syllables)
Like My Hair
Poke Your Eyes
Kick Your Butt
Break Your Arm
That Tastes Bad
Man! That Reeks!
Arnie Who?
Russell What?
Bruce Will Where?
Tommy When?
David Why?
Will Smith How?
Have A Bath
Clean The Sink
Take The Trash
Hoover Dam
Bullet Train
Crash My Car
That’s A Knife
Buy Me Beer
Three Words Long
Made You Look
Hi It’s Me
You’re My Friend
Fries With That
My Big Mac
Rare Steak Please
Make Me Mad
And if you are Stephen Segal reading this…….
Made You Laugh!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Being a Handyman

By John Ross Harvey

All men, at some point in time
Are asked to change something or fix something
Involving household items they have no
Skills or business attempting to change or fix.
Lighting, at the light itself is simple
Just replace the wires of the old light
With the corresponding wires of the new one.
Simple, black and white, unless there’s red.
Changing a switch however can be
Far more hazardous to your health.
In attempting to change one dimmer switch
And one normal switch in my kitchen and
Living room, I in the process of changing these
Had at one point, my microwave on a switch
And one switch running 3 lights in two different rooms
In an attempt to solve that switch to run only one light
In the right room, I cut power to 3 lights,
A microwave, and a bathroom fan.
This annoying and frustrating situation took about
6 hours of my Saturday to do.
After leaving the breaker off most of the day
While going out on Sunday
Upon our return I set about to ponder what I did
As my wife installed extension cords with lamps
To see what we were cooking in the kitchen
I took the dimmer that was working, apart again
Reinstalled another wire to it
While the breaker was live,
That’s the scary part!
Tested the other switch wires to see which ones
Ran the lights and not the microwave
And reinstalled those wires accordingly
I turned the breaker off, secured the switches to the boxes
And tested them again before putting the plates back on.
In less than 10 minutes, I solved my problem
That had made me want to seriously hurt someone
For the six hours it took me the day before to do it wrong.
Moral to the story?

Friday, March 24, 2006

The Best Food

By John Ross Harvey

The best food you eat
Is from dirty appliances
Now, don’t get me wrong
I don’t mean an unwashed frying pan
Or even a pot.
I’m talking about Barbeques and Toasters.
When have you ever cleaned your toaster?
Isn’t that toast just the best thing in the morning?
Have you ever used anything but a metal brush,
To clean the grill in your barbeque?
And when you cook your meat
For the diamond pattern of black lines
What do you think causes this?
Isn’t a beautiful rare steak on the barbeque the greatest thing?
Dirty appliances, great food
We are descendants of Cavemen after all.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Beer Vs. Coolers

Originally posted July 28, 2005 at

By John Ross Harvey

This seems to be an age-old question,
Beers or Coolers?
It’s usually one or the other, and rarely both.
Men for the most part, are Beer drinkers.
Women for the most part, are Cooler drinkers.
I hate Beer! It takes like dirty water.
I drink coolers, both malt and vodka varieties.
Sissy drink you say?
When’s the last time you drank a 7% beer?
Beer at it’s strongest is a whopping 5.5%
Coolers at their weakest are a pathetic 6.1%
Who’s the sissy?
Ales, Lagers, Stouts, Microbrews, whatever, beer tastes pretty much equal.
Coolers have Flavour that isn’t like dirty water.
Next time your buds offer a cooler, take it
They have a much higher alcohol tolerance than you.
Try it; you might like it, Mikey!
Where’s my Vodkice?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Anime Cartoons

Originally posted Aug. 24 2005 at

By John Ross Harvey

You’ve all seen Anime cartoons right?
Giant eyes, skinny guys, voluptuous women.
There is a style that’s the same.
But the quality differs immensely.
If you’re a parent and watch YTV or Teletoon you’ll understand what I mean.
There’s bad sketch Anime like Medabots and Hamtaro
There’s better line drawings like Pokemon and Dragonball shows.
There’s clean animation like Yugioh, so good I’m a fan.
Pretty much all of these come with trading cards, or action figures.
It’s all about the deck in Yugioh
You have a great deck, you win more often
A Pokemon deck is similar concept, in that we cannot throw out Pokemon for battle, so we have cards instead.
Yugioh is a show about the card game
The card game that can save the world
Superheroes that can strategize in a game of cards
Antagonists that don’t know they have a good side
Villains that are seriously warped, playing in the Shadow Realm
Wait a minute, card game, battles, saving the world
George Bush must be a Yugioh fan
He’s definitely operation from the Shadow Realm

Tuesday, March 21, 2006


Originally posted Aug. 12 2005 at

By John Ross Harvey

I think we’ve all noticed that cars look a little different these days.
Some street-racing movie has made people change their cars into strange objects.
They have gigantic handles so something can pick them up.
They have white-out taillights so they can brake PINK!
They have skirts on the side so it can’t manage to clear a driveway curb.
Handles, Skirts, and Pink, sounds very much like a Woman made this movie.
Then you have people that buy a pickup or SUV and make them a low rider.
Ok, so it cost you $40000 for a truck that can clear obstacles
And you just spent $40000 more so you cant clear a driveway curb.
That’s as bad as the people that buy Escalades, and Cayennes.
$30000 more for a grille that says Cadillac instead of GMC or Porsche instead of VW.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Willie Lied!

By John Ross Harvey

Back on February 2nd 2006
Wiarton Willie did not see his shadow
Spring was around the corner
6 weeks later on March 20th 2006
The official first day of Spring
The temperature is –1 Celsius
And it snowed on the weekend
Ok it melted, but that’s not the point.
Willie Lied!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

We all know about Tim Horton’s
Rrrrolll up the Rrrrim to Win happens periodically.
Country Style combats this with “Every coffee wins”
I am a Tea drinker, that doesn’t help
The commercials have the various prizes stalking the winners
The poor guy is running away from a Toyota Rav4
And he wins one.
If only that were true
I had a Rav4 chasing me today
With my Tim Horton’s cup in hand
But I get what I usually get instead
Please Play Again/Reessayez S.V.P.
A Rav4 would’ve been better.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Falling Off The Wagon

By John Ross Harvey

This can be associated with many things
In sports it’s usually called a Bandwagon
If you like the team, you’re on it
If you like them to win, you jump on it.
However, the wagon I refer to is
Mostly associated with stopping alcoholic beverage consumption
As you can balance on a wagon while sober
And fall off when you are drunk.
This isn’t mutually exclusive to alcohol however
Quitting smoking is also a wagon to fall off
Supposedly a big one, though I never smoked, it’s what I’ve heard.
Not being a massive alcoholic, the odd drink now and then recently
Or a smoker. Never did, never will.
I needed something to give up for Lent that was a potential problem.
TV, well LOST and Amazing Race are on, so No.
Tea, consuming great quantities, and I hate coffee, so No.
Chocolate, yes, it’s junk food, rather good, but rather plentiful in my house
That was my choice.
Last week I ate a Caramilk bar, and had 2 chocolate Brownies from
Harvey’s fast-food restaurant
Not an auspicious start, how long until Easter?
On the plus side I’ve avoided 2 Fridays of Chocolate Croissants at work
And an extremely tempting bag of Chocolate truffles.
But now I am picking what I want from my kids’ leftover Hallowe’en Candy
You can bet I’ll pick chocolate.

Sunday, March 12, 2006


Originally posted December 11, 2005 at

By John Ross Harvey

You must’ve seen these by now
Sneakers with wheels in the heels
Teens can be seen annoying us all
Riding around us like figure skaters
With less poise
There’s one small problem
Obviously the inventor lives in world
Where everything is flat
Must be Christopher Columbus.

Friday, March 10, 2006

What I did for Lent

By John Ross Harvey

Many of us, give up something for Lent.
Perhaps it’s Coffee, or Potato Chips
Perhaps it’s meat or Fish
I decided to avoid Chocolate.
Why you ask?
Well, if there’s any in the house I eat it.
Little York mint balls, Aeros, smarties
The festive special from Swiss Chalet Lindors
Lots of chocolate in the house
That was the most tempting thing for me
I fell off the wagon Tuesday night when
My wife handed me half of a large Caramilk
But since then I have been good
But now there’s a whole bag of Chocolate truffles
Sitting in our office kitchen taunting me
I’m sweating bullets
I’ll let you know if pass this test.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Things That Don't Make Sense

By John Ross Harvey

New and Improved:
If improved, it was old, cannot be New.
Continue to End this Conversation:
Sure seems that way with an Over-talker
Revised As-built:
Logically one can assume this is wrong
But when an as-built has already been issued
What do you call the update?
Limited Lifetime Warranty:
My lifetime’s limited so you better give me a new one!
Central Intelligence Agency:
Intelligence may come form several sources,
But certainly not from the centre of the Agency.
Yoplait Creamy Commercials:
Have you seen them?!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Politically Correct Insanity

By John Ross Harvey

Bald= Folliclely Challenged
Why not Skin Surplused?
Short= Vertically Challenged
How about Less Tall?
Santa Claus=Holiday Figure
Why not Santa Claus?
Winter-een-mas= Winter between Hallowe’en and Christmas
What a stupid word
Vegetarian= Protein Challenged
Carnivore= Vegetable Challenged
Coffee Drinker= Caffeine Enhanced
Tea Drinker= Tannin Enhanced
Pop Drinker= Carbonation Enhanced
Energy Drinker= Machine Challenged
IT = Technologically Enhanced
IT client= Technologically Challenged
Milk Drinker= Calcium Enhanced
Bread Eater= Gluten Enhanced
Low-Carb Dieter= Carbohydrate Challenged
Politician= Lie Enhanced
Voter= Tax Challenged
Mechanic= Cash Enhanced
Supermodel= Weight and Clothing Challenged
Actor= Paparazzi Challenged
Singer= Vocally Enhanced
Musician= Instrumentally Enhanced
That could cover many things
Cheetah= Speed Enhanced Feline
Lion= Energy Challenged Feline
Tiger= Colour Enhanced Feline
Wolf= Predatorily Enhanced Canine
Hawk= Glide Enhanced Avian
Hummingbird= Wing Speed Enhanced Avian
Rose= Thorn Enhanced Vegetation
Vines= Vertically Capable Vegetation
Readers= Thought Enhanced Winners
Complainers= Brain Deprived Losers
Humourists= Comedy Enhanced
Internet Scammers= Nigerian Dictators

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

ELB: Escape Lane Bandit
RHC: Rush Hour Cruiser
VLT: Very Large Transport
EWL: Extreme Wide Load
SGT: Strange Green Trucks
LLL: Lost Lane Losers
DDD: Directional Deficit Disorder
SPD: Snow Plow Delay
ACM: Absolute Crazed Moron
RBA: Road Blocked Ahead
TSD: Traffic Slow Down
LHM: Lane Hopping Morons
TNC: Traffic News Chopper
TJK: Transport Jack Knife
RSI: Road Sign Illiterates
CWK: Concrete Wall Kissers
ETD: Exploded Tire Debris
BGB: Broken Glass Beware
TRP: The RIDE Program
HBA: High Beam Annoyance
NLC: No Lights Charlie
MTS: Mini Tire Slowpoke
RRA: Requires Road Assistance
BDE: Battery Dead Emergency
FTF: Flat Tire Frustration
MSB: Mobile Snow Bank
DD: Defroster Dunce
WOB: Wipers Only Brigade
CUB: Cop Under Bridge
WNT: Where’s Next Timmy’s?

Monday, March 06, 2006

Hats or What?

By John Ross Harvey

Hats come in many styles and many names
Fedoras have a wide brim
Cowboy hats have a taller centre
Caps are adjustable with a visor
Toques are usually made of wool
And are not called Toboggan
Unless you’re name is Taylor
And you have grey hair
And you’re on American Idol
Beanies are smaller than your head
Unless you’re on American Idol
By the name of Ace
And call a Toque a Beanie.
Honestly where do they find these guys?

Oscars Mar. 5 2006

By John Ross Harvey

I’d like to thank the Academy
For finally getting it right!
CRASH is the Best picture of the Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so glad; they realized how good it was.
Excellent writing, excellent acting, brilliant direction.
It made you feel you were in the movie itself.
I should have bet on it!

Saturday, March 04, 2006


Originally posted Nov. 2005 at

By John Ross Harvey

Reading is considered one of the three “R’s”
Even though 1 “R” is really a “W”
To some people it’s a Railroad on the Monopoly game
My father read often, usually polishing a few books a week
We had to read in school, I hated it
Until I found Arthur C Clarke
Now, reading became an enjoyable experience
But after you leave school you don’t read much
And when you do, you leave the book lying around
Until you remember to pick it up again.
Many of my books have been this way
I didn’t read Spider Robinson’s Lady Callaghan’s
For maybe three years after I got it as a gift
I just found a book I started a few years ago
Half done, remember none of it
Children of the Mind by Orson Scott Card
I did read his Ender series quickly when I was younger
I’m currently reading Last Light of the Sun
By Guy Gavriel Kay
It’s been a few weeks now, barely past 200 pages
His other books I’ve read are among the best ever
Tigana and the Fionavar Tapestry
I read those four books, within a few weeks completely
I used to read Tom Clancy
Hunt for Red October and Red Storm Rising
500-700 page masterpieces in a few days
Now I’m at page 222 of 579
Either I’m getting old, and tired of reading
Or the Nordic names of these characters are
Just too hard to remember.
Well reading is important; it’s better than movies
Your imagination can run rings around special effects
If you could only remember where the book was.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Poor Acronyms

By John Ross Harvey

S.I.N. Systems Implementation Notice
P.M.S. Public Message Service
I.U.D. International University Degree
S.H.I.T. South Hamilton Institute of Technology
Good thing they changed that to Mohawk College
C.R.A.P. Conservative Reform Alliance Party
Even though these are the Conservatives now
That one may have helped us not vote them in.
S.E.X. Systems Examination X-ray
C.A.R. Certified Accurate Response
A.S.A. Another Stupid Acronym

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Canadian Acronyms

By John Ross Harvey

HBC Hudson’s Bay Company
Once the largest land-owner in Canada, and
Eventually forced to compete with
NWC North West Company in the fur trade
However they later merged with the HBC.
CBC Canadian Broadcasting Company
At several instances had my Uncle as a VP
His protégé later joined CTV
Canadian Television Network
But really it was BBI Baton Broadcasting Inc.
CTV is now owned by BCE
Bell Canada Enterprises
PEI Prince Edward Island is just too long to say

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Americans Vs. Canadians

By John Ross Harvey

If you believe everything you see on TV
The Americans don’t like us much
On LOST, the two individuals that were
Either suspected villains or admitted villains
Claimed they were Canadian.
If you believe the Amazing Race
Mountain Biking down a snowy hill and
Log rolling are two of our greatest National Sports
So why do the Americans hate us so much?
Is it that we have more land?
Is it that our land is actually beautiful?
Is it that we will be invaded for oil when the Middle East runs dry?
Is it that our national animal is actually funny?
Actually I think it must be the beer.
5% is just more than they can handle.