Monday, May 29, 2006

Driving 101

By John Ross Harvey

No doubt you’ve been witness to
Several individuals, which appear to
Have lost all ability to think, read or do math.
Toronto and area drivers.

People that turn left, and take 2 lanes to the right:
“Two lanes at once, proof they’re a dunce!”

People that block Intersections, just because their light is green:
“Can’t cross it, don’t block it!”
“Don’t fit? Don’t be a twit!”
“Block an Intersection? Brain does not function!”
“If you can’t go; don’t go!”

People that wait until last moment for a lane change:
“Directional Deficit Disorder Dunce”
“Lost Lane Loser”
“Merge Late Moron”

People that dive between parked cars to pass traffic:
“Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putzes”

I write this now as the TTC is on Strike, and
More “drivers” will grace our streets to annoy us to death.

Please don’t be one of them.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

As it is now May 2 4
A few days after the May 2 4 weekend
Which almost never happens on May 2 4
But is affectionately called that
By Canadians as they
Generally consume a 2 4 of beer
So they can enjoy the fireworks
While their lawn chair collapses
So I ask this:
What happens to the fireworks?
They blow up in the air but
The stuff is falling!
Where does it land?
In somebody’s 2 4

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The DaVinci Code

By John Ross Harvey

You’d have to be living under a rock
To have not heard of The DaVinci Code
Many of us, including I, have read it
Many refuse to believe what it’s implying
And have denounced the book as defaming the Christian faith
Well, have any of you heard of the word


Perhaps not.
Yes, it’s an enthralling read, many questions posed
The answers are in many respects
Hence it being a Fiction novel.
It was never released as a Non-fiction book.
Yet many think it is meant to be.
Now that the movie is being released
Maybe the whole secrecy of the storyline will be revealed.
To any that haven’t read the book,
The commercial for the movie means absolutely nothing.
The book has been popular for a few years now
And I did not know what it was about
Until I read it
You may know nothing about it now
If you haven’t read it
Will the Pope put a price on Dan Brown’s head
Like the Ayatollah did for Rushdie’s fiction novel?
I think not
Was it a good book?
Is it non-fiction?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


Originally posted Aug.10 2005 at

By John Ross Harvey

Face it, life is run by beurocracies.
Governments, corporations, organizations, clubs etc.
All have political attitudes, its who you know, not what you know.
There are always more chiefs than Indians.
I’ve worked for several firms, including one government one,
And they all felt the same.
Directors make up stuff to do; Managers make up stuff to do,
Supervisors know what stuff needs to be done, and get it done
By Coordinators that do stuff, whatever stuff needs to be done.
Assistants work for managers, and directors, and even supervisors.
They know about all the stuff that happens, or will happen, or
Hasn’t happened yet.
As Coordinators, you will be in trouble if stuff isn’t done, whether
You were told about the stuff or not.
Sometimes you have to look for files that never existed.
You do file? Right?
Don’t worry it’ll eventually end up in the Blue Box,
Just keep it until it’s allowed to leave.
The only difference between government and corporations
Is the Euchre games.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Absent Minded Professor

Originally posted July 22 2005 at

By John Ross Harvey

For years now, I’ve been labeled as an absent-minded professor.
My Mom called me that for as long as I can remember.
My boss, though similarly minded, has noted my absent mind occasionally.
My wife makes note of it constantly.
I can be very knowledgeable about almost anything.
Including many of the theories on LOST.
But when it comes to where things are put in the house, I’m hopeless.
My wife will show me if anything has moved in the cupboards
And a few days later I wont find it in its old place, and claim we need to get some more.
Quite honestly it drives her nuts.
The only consolation is, that I can reach most of the cupboards when she cannot.
In order to find the missing items I forgot about in the first place.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

This was probably a get rich quick scheme
For the government
Disguised as an Environmental agenda
Though the premise of reduced Emissions is good
It’s $35-40 out of your pocket pass or fail
And up to $250 if you did fail
I doubt any classic show cars from the 60’s and before
Are capable of ever passing these tests
Yet they are on the road sometimes
Are they excluded?
Are the owners driving them illegally?
Or did their emissions criteria allow for their pollution?
I ask this as I just completed a test
On my 5 year old car
As I must renew my license and my plates
And I need that passing grade before I can renew
And I did pass thankfully
But where is my money going?
Dalton McGuinty’s back patio?
Driver Education on reading road signs?
Or is it just sitting in a bank waiting
For a government employee to withdraw it?
That’s what I want to know
Where do you think it went?

Monday, May 08, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

Respect for people
Respect for the law
Ignorance of the law is no excuse
Learn to read
I was accosted the other day
Because I pointed out to a woman
Read the sign that says “NO PARKING FIRE ROUTE”
“TOW AWAY ZONE – FINE $750.00”
And she said to me
Obviously not
Her lack of respect for the law is only
Equaled by her lack of intelligence
And complete disrespect of human safety
If a fire started 1 minute after she parked
She’d be in the way
Fire Trucks will push you out of the way
Make no mistake
You’re life is not worth more
Than everyone else’s
Stop being Ignorant
Wake up to reality
Breaking the law will only come back to bite you
It’s never worth it
Now where did I put my Exacto blade??????
You’ll have a fun time explaining four flats
In a fire zone to the cops, fire dept., and the tow truck.
If only I were that way inclined.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Date Factoid

On The 4th of May 2006, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again in our lifetime.
It will be approximately 400 generations before it happens again.

Now you know

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Strange Facts

Originally posted at Oct. 16 2005

By John Ross Harvey

Did you know, that Dryer sheets should not come into contact with clothing?
They’ve made millions of dollars on an unsafe product.

Did you know the price of gas always goes down after you’ve filled the tank?
It’s true they specifically wait for you!

Ford has controlling interest in Volvo, Aston Martin, and Jaguar
They call it, with Lincoln, the Prestige Automotive Group or PAG.
I think it should be called Bloody Rich Automotive Group or BRAG!

Chevy sucks. If you drive one, you know. If you buy one you will.

Rob Mariano is a Professional Reality Contestant.

Ever wonder what is a Marshmallow? Really?

How did O Henry ever sell chocolate bars? You know what it looks like!

I am bald. Mostly.

Money if it weren’t money, would be in a garbage dump. Think about it.
It’s crinkled paper that has ink all over it. It’s a Writer’s life.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Four Hardest Words

By John Ross Harvey

Since I’ve been commuting from North of Toronto
To very far Downtown Toronto
I’ve noticed a very high level
Of Illiterate motorists
Road signs are apparently invisible
Not big enough
Or the wrong language
The four hardest words for these commuters
In rush hour traffic
Morning or Evening
Is the following:
The totally mindless sheep
Follow the person in front
Don’t ever read the road sign
You might help traffic move if you did
Of course these same intellectuals
Do not know what a
This Lane Ends sign looks like
They think a lane people park in is for passing
And they think the fire lane at the mall
Is their own personal parking space.
Just so they understand
I’m going to tell you what a Green Light really means:

If it’s not clear, DO NOT PROCEED!

If you can’t cross it, don’t block it.
Stop being a blockhead.
If you block the intersection
Your brain does not function.
If you do not fit
Don’t be a twit.
Learn it, and more importantly