Friday, September 29, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

When Michael Schumacher wins the pros say it’s because he’s the best.
The antis say it’s because the Ferrari is too good

When Michael Schumacher wins in the rain, the pros say it’s because he’s the best
The antis say it’s because the Ferrari is too good

When Michael Schumacher loses in the rain, the antis say it’s because he can’t drive well.
The pros blame it on the tires, back markers, pit crews, anything at all but their man

When Michael Schumacher loses and it didn’t rain, the antis say it’s because he’s no good
The pros blame it on the tires, back markers, pit crews, anything at all but their man

When rule changes are made to make Ferrari win, the antis blame on the FIA favouritism
The pros say all the better so their man can win as he’s supposed to

When rule changes are made to make Ferrari lose, the antis are very happy with them
The pros blame the results on FIA favouritism for the opposing teams

When a driver passes Michael Schumacher, the pros say they were lucky, or he missed a gear
The antis jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate

When Michael Schumacher wins a championship, the antis turn off the television
The pros jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate

When Michael Schumacher loses a championship, the pros blame it anti Ferrari paranoia
The antis jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate

When Michael Schumacher announced his retirement the pros claim he has nothing to prove
The antis blame it on his inability to face Raikonnen as his teammate

When Michael Schumacher hangs up his helmet for good, the pros will celebrate his career
The antis will celebrate the loss of the biggest cheat in the history or organized sport
And jump for joy and pour alcoholic beverages to celebrate.


By John Ross Harvey

Perhaps more a history lesson than comedy
But there’s nothing wrong with that
In the early years of Ireland
Names were an indication of your parentage
But not the same way as today
Today, children take your last name
Depending on the mother’s decision
It’s normally the father’s last name
But more recently it could be either, or both, with a hyphen
My son’s friend has such a name, with father’s first
In the era of Brian Boru in Ireland
He was the son of Cennedi
He went by Brian Mac Cennedi
Meaning Brian son of Cennedi
Later generations adopted O’Brian
Which means son of Brian
Cennedi eventually became Kennedy
So we know that O, and Mac mean “son of”
And you should know that Fitz also means this
Gerald Fitzgerald is Gerald son of Gerald
Makes you wonder how Fitzgibbon came about
Who calls their child Gibbon?
No doubt a more literal son of translation is son on the end
Like Ferguson or Robertson or Masterson or Patterson
But then who calls their child Master or Patter?
Nothing wrong with the idea, just curious how it started
My name is not a hyphenated version of Mother’s and Father’s
But I do have both their surnames
I use my Mother’s as my middle name
Middle names are important to a parent more than a child
Using them to call the child means they’re in trouble
You ask Bobby Jones to stop doing something he wont hear you
You ask Bobby Jeremiah Jones, and he’ll stand at attention!
My own name has versions in other languages
Yours probably does too
Jean in French, Ivan in Russian, Juan in Spanish and Iain in Gaelic
It is likely also Johann in German and/or Austrian
Despite many people believing my name to be Jonathan
It never has been and never will be
One work colleague calls me John, no than
Very few are allowed to call be Johnny, and one calls be John John
In sports it tends to be shortened to J.R.
As several Johns play sports, it’s just easier to go by letters.
Do you ever wonder about people you only know by initials?
Most of them will be a J
J.P., J.D., J.F., J.C., J.R., J.T., J.L. etc.
Jefferson Patterson? Jeremiah Douglas? James Frank? Jeremy Clark?
Johnson Robert? Jennifer Teresa? Janet Leslie?
It could be anything at really
Even Jet Plane, Jump Diva, Junior Fish, Jericho Crash, Jeep Renegade,
Japan Trinidad, or Jersey Louisiana
How will you know unless you ask?

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Spot the Moron

By John Ross Harvey

The light is green; the traffic beyond the intersection is stopped
The moron is the one entering the intersection
It’s raining, and you’re driving
The moron is the one without headlights
It’s snowing, and you’re driving
The moron is the one driving a snowbank
The light turns red
The moron is the one three cars back that thinks he can make it!
The lane is ending
The moron is the one still in that lane
The sirens are blaring
The moron is the guy that doesn’t pull over, or turns in front
You live in a very large apartment building, and somebody honks
Guess who’s the moron
You’re driving and the guy in front of you has a brake light on
It goes out when he brakes
You guessed it, another moron
It’s a two-lane road, traffic, and parking
A few ungeniuses think the space between parked cars is for passing
No doubt about it, more morons.
The store has a big sign at the door:” No parking - Fire lane”
The one that parks there is the moron
How much will you bet they drive a grey car?
But what does moron stand for?
Mostly Obnoxious Reject Or Nobody

Monday, September 25, 2006

Where are the Good People?

By John Ross Harvey

There was a time when people could say “Hi.” To a stranger
But never, if you were a child.
There was a time when everyone obeyed signage
Today ignorant people park in fire lanes
And steal handicapped spaces
Or straddle the lines to give their vehicle space!
An Exacto blade could fix these people in a hurry
To either the tires or the paint job
Have fun explaining that to the cops.
A turn signal is a courtesy that drivers should use
So other drivers understand their intentions
Today I was practically driven into by a
Moron in a Neon that wanted to turn
Left from a right lane
The only reason we’re both not dead
Is because I am a way better driver
I know how mirrors work
And I hate silver grey cars
Being hit by one would have proved my
Opinion on their lack of visibility
Good people don’t try to kill strangers
Good people say “Hi!”
Good people can signal, and can read
Good people carry Exacto blades for emergencies

Friday, September 22, 2006

The In Crowd

By John Ross Harvey

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known somebody
If they have a status that makes them feel important
They do not share that importance with just anyone
They have their friends
The In Crowd
What is the In Crowd?
People that suck up to the boss
People with no backbone
People that answer “Yes” all the time
I’m not in the In Crowd
I might be in the Out Crowd but I’m not sure
I move the scissors beside the fridge
Because they are for cutting milk bags
That are located in the fridge
The In Crowd must believe that the scissors
Should be in the basket full of paper packages
Which is where I find the scissors
Before I put them where they’re supposed to be
Near the fridge where milk bags need cutting
Not in the bare hand easily ripped paper package basket
The In Crowd just had a wine party
I like wine, I didn’t get any
I’m not in the In Crowd
I’m happy being different
The In Crowd is not worth being in.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

I’ve come to the conclusion
That colour is not what most people like
People are fascinated with GREY
Not just one type of grey
But every possible shade of GREY
Between all white and all black
Our roads are grey concrete or grey asphalt
Unless it’s still black and really new
Our buildings are GREY concrete
Or covered in glass which reflects GREY skies
Everybody and their brother’s uncle
Drives a GREY shade of car
Not just one GREY, but all of them!
The only colour around is green grass, and trees
But the trunks are GREY!
I drive a Blue car
Do you want to know why????
Because I can see it! You can see it!
The sky is grey, the road is grey, and their pathetic car is GREY!
Find a bloody light switch and SHOW UP!
I hate grey so much; my hair isn’t even GREY!
It’s just not there anymore.
Actually I lied; there is one GREY I like

Monday, September 18, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

I can do without those people that do Old Navy commercials
That’s as much acting, as I’m not bald
People that use a mini-tire on the highway
When you’re tire blows maybe then you’ll learn how to read
People that wire their own taillights on their cars
Their brake light is on, until they use them, then it’s the reverse light!
People that park in a fire lane
Big sign, large fines, 4000 spots to choose from,
But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you need to prove you’re a prick.
People that order small coffees
It’s about a swallow and a half for about a $1
The water fountain is free, there’s about the same amount of coffee.
Vegetarians that tell meat-eaters to eat better
We do eat better.
Meat is better. That’s why we eat it!
If all the meat-eaters stopped eating meat,
We’d all be deprived of valuable oxygen
Because there would be no plants left to create any.
Meat eaters are a valuable service to mankind
Oxygen is available, because we prefer meat to plants.
People that buy the whole grocery store and line up in the express cash
The word “MORON” could not be more visible
People that like the colour Grey or silver
They even buy cars in those colours
But they’re not colours, there is no colour at all,
They may as well be invisible
And they are, because none of them know how to turn their lights on.
People that rob a bank with their pinky in the pocket
You should know Steve Segal is going to whip your ass!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Blood Types

Originally posted at

I thought I'd bring this back as this topic was discussed in
the last episode of HOUSE

By John Ross Harvey

There are 4 basic blood types
A, B, AB, and O
A can accept blood from A and O
B can accept blood from B and O
AB can accept blood from A, B, AB & O
O can accept blood from just O
Then you have to worry about + or – types
But basically if you’re an AB type, receiving blood is easy
Its not difficult as a match is not required.
Hollywood doesn’t get this. There’s always a story
About a person in need of blood, but has an AB blood type.
An exact match is not required.
O must be matched.
Thankfully the majority of us are O type.
We prefer steak to vegetables.
Our meat is better bloody.
But wait, what type of blood did the cow have?
Then you have blood doping
A Cyclist claims that an unborn twin’s blood has entered his bloodstream.
Hence duplicating the effect of a blood doping.
This bizarre theory is called a Chimera.
Not only does he claim this, but one of his teammates does also.
Personally I think it’s in that Energy Drink
Why’s it called RED BULL anyway?


By John Ross Harvey

Greatness is usually associated with someone in sports
Or perhaps a singer, or an actor of good repute.
Generally the news media will make it a top story.
Andre Agassi, by no means Tennis’ greatest
Had front-page coverage of his retirement.
Damon Allen just became the most successful
Quarterback in North America, and got the front-page.
He hasn’t retired.
Michael Schumacher announced his retirement.
Many argue he is the greatest race driver ever.
Many argue against this opinion, like myself.
Toronto Star, caption on Sports front-page,
Story on page 2 of Sports.
Globe and Mail, briefly acknowledged in
Racing column on page 3 of Sports
Perhaps having a large number of his wins
Handed to him by his teammates
Make him a less respected sports figure.
I would agree with that.
Jacques Villeneuve said that he would
Not be remembered.
I don’t think he’s far wrong.
Page 1 of Sports was Canadian Open coverage
It wasn’t even Tiger Woods
Probably the only sports figure making more
Money than Michael Schumacher
The least sportsmanlike driver
In the history of motorsport.
Maybe now I can cheer for Ferrari
I have not since 1996
Well briefly cheered for Eddie in 1999
But as a rule, have not rooted
For Ferrari since he’s been there
And I live in Canada’s Ferrari fan capital
I will be cheering his departure
Regardless of a championship being handed over.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Traffic Phrases - Volume II

By John Ross Harvey

Fog, rain, poor visibility
The silver grey car in front of you has no lights
“Grey car, grey road, grey sky, no lights, no brain!”

Darkness, by weather or by loss of sunlight
The black car ahead of you has no lights
“Black car, black road, black sky,
No lights at night, no brain in sight!”

The vehicle in front of you is indistinguishable
From a snowbank
“Mobile Snowbanks Defroster Dunces, and the Wipers Only Brigade!”
“Snow Not On Windows Brush Remainder Unbelievably Simple Huh?”

The vehicle in front is lightless yet again
“No lights in Fog, brains of a Log!”

Yet more vehicles without lights
“No lights in rain, no driver with a brain!”
“Headlights work, you don’t!”
“The reason a light bulb is associated with brains;
You need brains to use them!”
“Lights on moron!”

“Drive without lights, prove your stupidity today!”

“No lights at night, prove your stupidity tonight!”

People that get my humour are already smart enough to use headlights
Those that don’t will never find a switch in their lifetime.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Seen Everything?

By John Ross Harvey

You know that one moment that happens
And the sheer ridiculous nature of it
Makes you say
“I’ve seen everything.”
I had one of those moments this weekend
My neighbour in the Fire Hall house
Had several satellite dishes on his wall
He took them all down
Then we saw him attach something to
His children’s playing structure
What did he attach?
A very much bigger satellite dish
To his kid’s playing structure
“I’ve seen everything!”

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Neighbour's Houses

By John Ross Harvey

There are many odd looking houses on my street
Either by what is an attempt to renovate them
Or simply the original design
Colour is the most striking contrast between them
My wife has given nicknames to a few
The tall red house beside us is the Fire Hall
The big ugly grey house across the street
Is the National Library of Congress
My house is perfect
Another tall stucco house needs a name
I’ll call it the Mausoleum
There are 2 shades of pink houses between
The Mausoleum and mine
Pink Portico and Pink Porch perhaps
Will name them effectively
One neighbour has been building a
Landscape block wall all summer long
It is now The Great Wall of China

Tuesday, September 05, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

When I worked in government
Work had priorities assigned
In the private sector
Where I have been for many years
Priorities are subject to interpretation
These will range from 0-10
In high to low priority respectively
My main boss is senior partner in the company
All requests by him are Priority 1
All VP requests are priority 1.5
All sub manager requests are priority 2
All sub sub manager requests are priority 3
All sub sub managers working for main boss are priority 1.25
All requests by president are 0.5
All requests by people that shouldn’t be requesting are priority 4
All requests from left field are priority 5
All requests from right wing are priority 6
All requests from dead centre are priority 5.5
All requests from the back 40 are priority 7
All requests from the straight and narrow are priority 8
All personal requests are priority 9
All ultra personal requests are priority 0