Monday, September 24, 2007

Lawn and Garden Vol. II

By John Ross Harvey

I have a house
It has a backyard
Which backs onto a backyard of a townhouse row
The townhouse unit directly behind
Is a single woman
Who is not much for yardwork
When we first had a yard, without fences
She had a weedkiller spray and went and sprayed
Each and every weed individually
When fences went up
Her neighbour cut her lawn
When her neighbour moved
She kind of gave up
Weeds took over and her lawn is nothing but
A little while ago a man helped her cut it down
And built a shed, presumably with yard equipment
Many of her weeds pass through my fence
I’ve uprooted many thistles recently
The other night she went to cut her lawn
With a weedwhacker
Because it’s still all weeds
Some people should really
Pave their backyards
It would save on weedkiller and weedwhacker fuel

Friday, September 21, 2007

Greek Gods

By John Ross Harvey

If we look at the genealogy of the Greek Gods
It is indeed strange
Zeus most people know of
Had relations with sisters, and cousins
Yet he was not the God at the top of the family tree
He was born from the Titans Chronos and Rhea
Brother to Poseidon, Hades, and Hestia
Relations with Sisters Hera and Demeter
Only Hestia was not an Olympian God
Sons from Hera were Ares and Hephaestus
Daughter from Hera was Hebe
Daughter Persephone from Demeter
Daughter Athena (unknown mother)
Relations with cousin Leto
Son Apollo and daughter Artemis
Relations with cousin Dione
Daughter Aphrodite
Relation with cousin Maia
Son Hermes who had relations
With daughter Aphrodite and his aunt Dryope sister of Maia
Relations with Alcmene
Son Heracles
Relations with Semelo
Had Dionysus
All his children Olympian Gods except Persephone and Heracles
Chronos and Rhea both Titans were brother and sister respectively
Brother Coeus and sister Phoebe had daughter Leto
Brother Hyperion was not a Titan
Iapetus also a Titan was father to Epimethus father of Dione
And father to Prometheus and Atlas
Oceanus and Tethys both Titans brother and sister respectively
Daughter Pleiane had relations with Atlas
They had daughters Maia, Dryope, Asterope, Calaeno, Electra, Atyone, and Taygate
The Pleiades sisters
Dryope and Hermes had son Pan
Aphrodite and Hermes had
Son Rhodes and
Daughters Tyche, Peitho, Eunomia and
Bi-gendered Hermaphroditus
Abderus was also a son to Hermes (mother unknown)
Three monsters were siblings to the Titans
Cyclopes were Male
Echidna was Female
Hecatonatchires was Unknown
Oceanus and Tethys also had son Inachus
Inachus had relations with Oceanus daughter Melia
They had Io who had
Relations with Zeus
Aside from them Oceanus and Tethys had 3000 sons and daughters
The Titans were children of Uranus
Brother to Pontus and Mountains
Son of Gaia and Tartarus
They being sister and brother respectively
To brother Eros and Erubus
And sister Nyx
Erubus and Nyx had
Son Aether and daughter Hemera
Erubus also had several children (mother unknown)
Daughters The Hesperides, The Keres and Fates, Nemesis,
Apate, Philotes, Ceras, and Eris
Sons Momus, Panos, Moros, Thanatos, and Hypnos
Brother Tarturus also had son Typhon
Tarturus, Gaia, Eros, Nyx, and Erubus were
The children of Chaos
Alcmene was sister to Licymnius
And daughter to Electryon
This above information according to sources on Wikepedia
Including the charts of each relationship
And this chart too
But if we are to believe they existed as beings on Earth
And many other deities of the Romans
And the Celtic deities of Ireland
What was Chaos?
Was Chaos the depths of Space and Time?
Were they extraterrestrial travelers?
How could Zeus have that many relations without
The ability to stay youthful?
Which according to Einstein’s Twin Paradox
Is possible by traveling through Space and Time
In breeding was apparently commonplace
Perhaps that created beings that were god-like
And since the Olympian gods were children of Titans
And Titans were the grandchildren to Chaos
Zeus was a great grandchild of Chaos
Is all life on earth the result of alien beings taking up residence?
How do we explain these things?
Perhaps we will never know
Perhaps science will explain them
And we will merely accept their findings
Because somewhere, somebody may be related to Zeus
If he isn’t still with us
Gene Simmons is a likely suspect

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Morning Dew

By John Ross Harvey

I’m curious to know
How low someone’s I.Q. must be
To knowingly and intentionally
Drive a vehicle they cannot see out of
It boggles my mind
How difficult it must be to operate the window controls
How much work it must be to take a rag and
Clean the dew off the windows
So they can see the children at the bus stop
So they don’t run the stop sign
So they can see what’s in their mirrors
But apparently for far too many
Driving Impaired is preferable to being able to see
You can’t see out of it
Don’t drive it!
You’re Impaired!

Monday, September 17, 2007

Ode to John Pinette - Meat is Food

By John Ross Harvey

Everyone has their own idea of food
Some think an appetizer is food
Some think a salad is food
That’s not food
It’s a promisary note that food is coming
Real food is Meat
Sausage, Ribs, Steak, Chicken, Turkey, Venison
That’s food
Burgers must be 3 patties with bacon on top
Beef patties
High protein and Iron content
Meat is Food

Friday, September 14, 2007

Ode to Bob Newhart-Driving Instructor

By John Ross Harvey

Before I begin
Bob wrote his close to 40 years ago
I am merely writing my version as an ode to his
So if you’re upset that the learning driver is a woman
Change it to a man
Problem solved

Thank you for choosing Harvey’s Driving School Mrs. Beederman
Now what’s the first thing we do after getting into the car?
No the gas pedal won’t work yet Mrs. Beederman
I’m not giving you the keys yet, try again.
Seatbelt Mrs. Beederman, mine’s on already.
Now I’ll hand you the keys
Aren’t you forgetting something?
It’s a bit dark outside
The Light SWITCH!!!!!!!!!!!
Man, that truck was a close call
OK, the lights are on now, people can see you weaving in and out
I hope you’re using a signal Mrs. Beederman
You’re not?Ooh boy
Now would be a good time to start Mrs. Beederman
But next time make sure you have room to move
That man’s horn was pretty loud wasn’t it?
STOPLIGHT!The brakes on the left Mrs. Beederman!
OK, breathe deeply
It’s green, please check to see……………
That was a pedestrian giving us directions Mrs. Beederman
I believe he wants us to go UP
I know something that’s up
Could you turn right here please?
Next time could you do so from the right lane?
And could you enter the right one as well?
Most people don’t expect you from the left.
That’s how they do it in your neighbourhood?
And you live where?
I’ll write that down
Do not drive in………
What’s that Mrs. Beederman?
Oh the flashing lights, that’s a police cruiser
Yes, he wants you to stop
Now, would be good, signal to the right please
Brake is on the left, that’s it
Yes, hello officer
Yes, she’s new to driving
No, I didn’t check the speedometer
85 miles an hour?
So that’s why I lost my toupee?
I’ll be sure to check more closely next time
Ok Mrs. Beederman they’re letting you off with a warning
It would be good if you could read the speed limit signs
You can’t read?
Do you know your numbers?
Bad at math, huh, I see.
That’s a problem
See reading numbers and signs is what you need to do
Your husband doesn’t
Ok, so he taught you to drive this way?
That explains a lot
And when the snow falls, what does he do?
Turns on the wipers and drives away.
I was afraid of that.
OK that’s the Department of Motor Vehicles on the left
You need to signal and turn left
Next time could you see if the road is clear of oncoming traffic?
Ok park in that space there
The one directly straight ahead
The brake is the left one
Very good
Did you learn anything?
You weren’t paying attention
I believe I noticed
Same to you Mrs. Beederman

Formula One Spygate

By John Ross Harvey

A few years ago
Toyota was caught with detailed documents
On Ferrari’s formula one car
I believe the suspect was fired, and fined
Toyota was not punished in any way
Toyota was very far behind Ferrari
This year
McLaren was caught with detailed documents
On Ferrari’s formula one car
McLaren are ahead of Ferrari
Yesterday’s hearing has them losing all constructor points
So if you spy, but are still slower
Ferrari doesn’t care
But if you spy, and are faster
Ferrari insist you lose your points
As for the legality and conduct of spying
That has been a regular part of formula one since the beginning
Tire warmers are just as much a cover-up as a tarp on the chassis
Spying has always been part of the game
You spy well, you improve, and it was worth it
You spy poorly, and make no gains, it wasn’t
Keep in mind a Ferrari man had to have handed over the documents
They are equally at fault
Yet they are not punished
Very much like the Canada-US Border dispute
USA blames Canada for letting terrorists in their country
Yet we do not operate their border
Ferrari blame McLaren for the possession of documents
Claiming they are the sole perpetrators
But someone at Ferrari MUST have delivered them
So WHY don’t they lose points?
Because the FIA means
Ferrari’s Invisible Assistants

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Unintelligent Motorist

By John Ross Harvey

It’s a stoplight
The left lane is clear ahead of the guy in it
The right lane is full of parked cars
I’m going to take the right lane to pass him
I need to prove I’m a moron

The highway exit is coming up
500m on the right
I’m in the left lane
I’ll drive for 499m
Then dive across
That’ll prove I’m an idiot

I’m entering a highway
There’s space behind this car
A lot of space
But it’s not ahead of the guy
I’ll push my luck and aim to go in front
I need to prove I’m a jerk

The light is green
There is no room on the other side of the intersection
Why should I care?
I failed Geometry
Who cares if I fit?
Hey, the lights RED!
I’ve proven I’m a Loser

I’m turning left into a two-lane road
I’ll just slide over to the right lane
I could care less what you think?
I have no brains at all

I need to turn left
But I’m in the right lane
So I’ll go anyway
What painted arrows?
I’m ignorant

I need to pick up a bag of milk
There’s space at the door
While I have such a good spot, may as well keep shopping
“Fire Lane-No Parking $5000 fine”
So sue me!
I’m an absolute bastard

It’s fog, rain, or darkness
Why bother to put my lights on?
Put yours on instead
So my car’s invisible
I could care less
I have to prove I have zero intelligence

There’s dew, frost, ice, snow, or mud covering my windows
And the rest of my car
Why make the effort to remove it
If my wipers let me see forwards
Who cares what’s behind or beside me?
I don’t care if I can’t see youI do what I want, if you hit me, it’s your fault
I need to prove I’m IMPAIRED

It’s a school zone
But I’m in a hurry
I can’t slow down for kids
I’ll speed up
I have no heart or soul

It’s a school bus with flashing lights
It’s on the other side so
I don’t care
I’ll keep going
I’m a potential murderer

The emergency sirens are wailing
Why check the mirrors or look
I need to turn here
I can’t waste my time looking
I’m turning here!
I don’t care about the human life you didn’t save because of me

I personally do not condone any of the above behaviour
It is written from their perspective
Until the last line of each
Which is my opinion of their behaviour

The sad reality is I see this behaviour
All the time
It’s downright sickening

Friday, September 07, 2007

Road Safety

By John Ross Harvey

If you find yourself
Forced into a Reaction
You haven’t looked ahead
To avoid a Distraction
You would not be
In that Situation
If you remembered
Your driver’s Education
Don’t react and
Cause a Collision
We’d rather not see you
Need an Operation
Drive safe