Friday, June 29, 2007

Political Jargon

POLITICAL JARGON
By John Ross Harvey

I’ve been reading Michael Moore recently
Dude, Where’s My Country
I have to say, highly entertaining and enlightening read.
But based on some of what I’ve read
Here are some political taglines, and other items, and what they mean.

Collateral Damage: We killed them, they didn’t kill us instead.
Casualties: They killed us, we didn’t kill them instead.
Terrorism: They killed us, we didn’t kill them instead
War on Terror: Protect our Oil
Smart Bombs: Not all that smart really, blowing up the wrong places.
Precision Strikes: We let go a few bombs, didn’t really check where they’d land
Free the Iraqi People: Take control of their government to protect our Oil
The Taliban: Former partners with Texas Oil Companies
Bin Laden: Everyone except that Osama guy is our friend, because of Oil
Osama: We don’t like this son of theirs
Saddam: A Dictator that had nothing to do with Al Qaeda
Oil: Plastic and Gasoline, we depend on this stuff, it controls the government
Election: Where the state of the brother of a candidate can fix its results
God: Believe me, and Michael, he wants nothing to do with George W.
God Bless America: Why? Canada is much nicer, bless us instead.
Terrorist Cells: Suspected Evildoers that they actually found
Guantanamo Bay: Where all rights of the imprisoned cease to exist, regardless of guilt
9-11: Ok, that’s month and day; it should be 11-9, which is day and month

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Patrick Dempsey

PATRICK DEMPSEY
By John Ross Harvey

So, this was a pimple-faced teenager
Played a pizza boy in a movie
Then he played a mistaken fugitive in Run
Then he re-surfaced as the other guy
In Reese Witherspoon’s movie
Sweet Home Alabama
Now he’s McDreamy
On Grey’s Anatomy
Being unattractive isn’t all bad
Just become a celebrity
And they drool for you anyway.
He’s not exactly George Clooney

Friday, June 22, 2007

How Many Nicknames Do You Have?

HOW MANY NICKNAMES DO YOU HAVE?
By John Ross Harvey

There are the obvious John nicknames
Downstairs John, Johnny Blue Eyes, Spanish Johnny, Johnny Baby
There are the obvious Harvey nicknames
Lee Harvey Oswald aka just Oswald
Harvey Wallbanger aka just Wallbanger
Harvey’s Hamburgers…need I say more?
And John Ross is of course J.R.
The same J.R. as J.R. Ewing
So I get Ewing of course
But I had it first
But narrowly missing out on the whole celeb deal
Because NBC didn’t feel like airing my audition
For Last Comic Standing
I could have gone with a celeb name
John Ross could have become JRo
Why not?
Maybe then Google could find this blog for a change

Girl Friends Vs. Girlfriends

GIRL FRIENDS VS. GIRLFRIENDS
By John Ross Harvey

Being a married man
My Girlfriend is of course my wife
But I have several Girl Friends
And a man should be allowed
To have conversations
With women that aren’t his better half.
To be honest
The men at work just aren’t that fun
No offense to my male friends
But I much prefer talking with the female variety
Even if the topic changes to a feminine subject
Women seem to have no problem
Talking about pregnancy, bridal showers, and undergarments
While in my presence
I don’t have to respond to the topics
But the women are not particularly bothered
By my being in earshot of the conversation
Whatever it might be
And it’s not like smiles from men do much for you
Whereas a woman’s smile can improve your day
And their work attire can often improve your day
It’s unlikely your pals’ new loafers will ever hold a candle
To the girl’s new miniskirt or form fitting tee
Obviously you don’t comment on the outfit
Unless you are asked specifically
Then you would give the token comment “You look good.”
It’s not like “You have a great booty.” will go over big
And they wont sit near you for lunch ever again
Then you’d be stuck with the guys
Talking about their new loafers

Thursday, June 21, 2007

More Driving Commandments

MORE DRIVING COMMANDMENTS
By John Ross Harvey

First a recap
The Vatican’s 10 commandments:

1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.

And my First ten

1. Single thy intentions with an indicator light
2. Obey thy school zone speed limits, and thy school bus stop lights
3. Impairment is not from alcohol alone. Always ensure thy visibility, clean snow, rain, mud, frost, and other articles of potential vision impairment at all times
4. Use thy headlights, real headlights, we cannot see thy grey car without them
5. Read and obey all thy traffic signage and lighting. Never blocketh thy intersection.
6. Never drive in thy wrong lane, if turning right, don’t do so from left, and vise versa
7. Driving is a courtesy, not a privilege, respect thy fellow motorists
8. Be awake and alert before driving thy vehicle
9. Avoid distractions, like thy beverages, cell phones, and pda’s, use wisely.
10. Maintain thy vehicle, to prevent vehicular disasters, check thy air pressure.


So let’s come up with some more.

11. Thou shall not own a BMW, as it doth destroy all driving knowledge.
12. Thou shall not put whiteout taillights on a vehicle so that it brakes Pink!
13. Thou shall not swerve into opposing traffic to avoid manholes, potholes, and other obstacles too tall for thy dropped Honda Civic
14. Thou shall not drive a Hummer and deplete the world’s gasoline supply
15. Thou shall not take more than one lane upon turning
16. Thou shall not take the escape lanes to their triangular limits, whether starting from there or entering it as a means to prove you’re a complete idiot
17. Thou shall not carry devices capable of intercepting radar or communication from police band radio
18. Thou shall not put opaque acrylic plate covers to avoid paying tolls for the 407
19. Thou shall not endanger children’s lives by speeding in residential streets
20. Thou shall not honk one’s horn mere nanoseconds after a traffic light has changed

And perhaps a few more then?

21. Thou shall not honk one’s horn at the motorist waiting for pedestrians to cross
22. Thou shall not drive up the inside of the driver turning in front of you
23. Thou shall not pull behind a transport truck out of sight of its mirrors
24. Thou shall not disregard openings in traffic presented for you to leave your lane, doing so means you have less chance of getting it back
25. Thou shall not push for a space in front of a motorist you do not fit in, when the available lane behind that motorist could hold the population of China
26. Thou shall understand that Grey cars, on grey roads, under grey skies, are invisible
27. Thou shall understand that Black cars, on black roads, under black skies are invisible too
28. Thou shall understand that driving a Snow bank is being Impaired
29. Thou shall understand that a Green Light does not mean go ahead and block the intersection you moron
30. Thou shall always pull over when a siren is heard. Ambulance, Fire, or Police, if you don’t pull over or stay out of the intersection they need to get through, the police should prevent you from ever getting behind a wheel ever again.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Vatican Issues 10 Commandments of Driving

VATICAN ISSUES 10 COMMANDMENTS OF DRIVING
By John Ross Harvey

They should have read my blog first but here goes…
http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/06/19/news/vat.php is best link I could find

The "Drivers' Ten Commandments" as listed by the document are:
1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.

Not saying these are bad, quite good in fact, number 8 would be most difficult to perform.

May I add my own 10?

Single thy intentions with an indicator light
Obey thy school zone speed limits, and thy school bus stop lights
Impairment is not from alcohol alone. Always ensure thy visibility, clean snow, rain, mud, frost, and other articles of potential vision impairment at all times
Use thy headlights, real headlights, we cannot see thy grey car without them
Read and obey all thy traffic signage and lighting. Never blocketh thy intersection.
Never drive in thy wrong lane, if turning right, don’t do so from left, and vise versa
Driving is a courtesy, not a privilege, respect thy fellow motorists
Be awake and alert before driving thy vehicle
Avoid distractions, like thy beverages, cell phones, and pda’s, use wisely.
Maintain thy vehicle, to prevent vehicular disasters, check thy air pressure.


Quite honestly I could go on for more than 10
But I shall give thee the opportunity to contemplate these additional
Given by the prophet of better driving himself, Me.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Boss Is Away

BOSS IS AWAY
By John Ross Harvey

The old saying
When the Boss is Away the Mice will Play
How did that saying ever come to be?
Why Mice?
Is the Boss a Cat?
Why that analogy?
My boss is away
For two weeks
I can play, but I’m too bored!
I prefer work
As sporadic as it may be
Two weeks of boredom is sure to
Make me mentally unstable
And that cannot be a good thing
Because I’m not entirely sane now.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Ingredients Listing

INGREDIENTS LISTING
By John Ross Harvey

Everything you consume
Beverages, Food, Smokes
All list ingredients
But why not scented candles?
What exactly is in those things?
Autumn stroll, and summer breeze?
Is that Cocaine, and Marijuana?
How do we know?
They merely say
“Contains essential oils”
Oil of what?
Hash?
PCP?
What oils?
Why are Candles not required to list their ingredients?
That’s an airborne substance
That’s how viruses are spread
Are scented candles really viruses in disguise?
Will you ever buy one again?

Bring the Predators to Hamilton

BRING THE PREDATORS TO HAMILTON
By John Ross Harvey

Nashville is a great city
For Country Music
It is not a great city
For Hockey
Hamilton is a great city for Hockey
The FinCups, The Bulldogs,
Why not the Predators?
Why must an archaic regional boundary
Dictate where a team can or cannot play hockey?
New York, New York, and New Jersey
A whole lot closer than
Toronto, Hamilton, and Buffalo
So let it happen
Hamilton will support the team
Just check the season ticket sales so far
More than the Nashville team ever had
Keep the name, or change it
To the Hamilton Steelheads
It makes no difference.
Hamilton can and will support an NHL team.
Don’t deny it
Toronto and Buffalo will not lose fans
Toronto never could
Bring the team to Hamilton
Do the right thing.

Scratch Card Lotteries

SCRATCH CARD LOTTERIES
By John Ross Harvey

With my birthday recently passed
And father’s day afterwards
I received a few scratch card lotto tickets
2 with “Price Is Right” games
Plinko and Mountain Climber
1 of those cards I missed out
On $75,000….TWICE!
Another card I had was Texas Hold’em
If your hand beats theirs
Combined with the river
You win
I thought I’d won on 2 games
1 for $500, 1 for $250,000
On closer inspection I did not
My $500 game my 2 Aces lost to a straight
Which wasn’t so apparent at first glance.
My $250,000 game I had a straight
It seemed the opponent had nothing
But it had a Flush
I was king of the Universe in one moment
And a mere speck the next
Do these cards ever win??????????

Friday, June 15, 2007

I Told You I Was Right!!!!!!

I TOLD YOU I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!
By John Ross Harvey

http://www.globeauto.com/servlet/story/LAC.20070614.WHBRIEFS14-1/GAStory/specialGlobeAuto/home/?query=

Black cars most likely to be in crashes
Reuters News Agency
Black cars are most likely to be involved in car accidents while white cars are the safest, according to an Australian study.

THEY DON’T HAVE SNOW. STUDY CHANGES FOR CANADA!

The accident research centre at Melbourne's Monash University examined the relationship between 17 vehicle colours and crash risk by analyzing police data from two states and found there was a statistically significant relationship.
"Compared to white vehicles, a number of colours were associated with higher crash risk," said the report.

"These colours are generally those lower on the visibility index and include black, blue, grey, green, red and silver."

Researchers found that there was 12 per cent higher risk of having a crash in a black car during daylight hours than in a white vehicle. After black, the vehicle colour with the highest risk was grey followed by silver, blue and red.
"All the statistically significant results are for colours that are low on the visibility spectrum or low in contrast to key road features, such as the grey of the road surface," team leader Stuart Newstead wrote .

Look back at my many rants on grey cars. This is why!The study was based on data from the state of Victoria involving 102,559 injured drivers from 1982- to 2004-model vehicles and Western Australian data about 752,699 drivers of vehicles made between 1982 and 2004.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Rare Lobster

RARE LOBSTER
By John Ross Harvey

Story on the Internet
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070612/ap_on_fe_st/odd_blue_lobster
Blue lobster saved from cooker
Like it’s the only blue lobster ever in existence
Go to the Vaughan Walmart Supermarket
And see at least 3-4 blue lobsters waiting to be cooked
How rare can it be?

TV Show Update

I was in the back of the outdoor lineup with the Mountie, and was directly beside the guy warming his hands to the horse dung, not that you could see me in either of those scenes.
The crazy hubcap lady, changed to a fur hat apparently, and was sent packing on air
The Gerry Dee guy is nuts, I have no idea why a Gorilla costume beat out the other people there.
You-tube has some clips, but I'm not there yet. Though one of my 2004 classmates is, Chrissy.
Thanks for watching if you did.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Traffic Reports

TRAFFIC REPORTS
By John Ross Harvey

Yesterday morning the 407 was shut down
In both directions near the 400
If people bothered to listen on radio
Or check the TV for
Traffic Reports
They would know
Why there is a long lineup
Going down the 400
But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
They have to drive in the
Completely empty escape lane
Heading for the closed 407
And suddenly realize
Their mistake, and
Slow down and attempt to merge back
Into the 400 in front
Of many angry motorists
Already in line
Because they were smart enough
To listen for the
Traffic Report

Magnetic Field Vol. IV - Reprise

MAGNETIC FIELD VOLUME IV
By John Ross Harvey

If you read my previous three volumes
You will know as a meat-eater I have iron rich blood
Which creates a large magnetic field in my left hand
I screw up compasses
I kill UPS systems, and perhaps alarms
And avoid bankcard theft.
But perhaps it has another benefit?
I seem to have very good luck with regard to disasters.
Though I travel to Quebec often
I was not there during the Ice Storm.
Though I live north of Toronto and work there
I wasn’t here for the massive Aphid swarm
We all know about Mel’s army
And the Snowstorm of 1998
Wasn’t here for that either.
I was in Quebec.
Not so long ago I took a Friday off to
Enjoy Wonderland’s Waterpark
Which allowed me to avoid
Traffic Chaos caused by a Train Derailment.
Though the Maritimes often receive
Hurricane aftermaths
None showed during my time there last summer.
As I will be away from Toronto at end of July
Expect something bad to happen
While I’m gone
Or come with me to avoid it!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Magnetic Field Vol. III - Reprise

MAGNETIC FIELD VOLUME III
By John Ross Harvey

Like it or not, criminals are a devious bunch
With the new information age they can copy your cards.
Credit cards or Debit cards, whatever they can manage.
This is usually done at a card reader machine in stores
Forcing you to swipe more than once.
This happened to me recently.
My debit card was copied and an attempt to access my accounts failed.
The bank discovered the failure and called me in.
They issued me a new card and I created a new PIN #
But I have to wonder why they failed?
I’ll bet it was my Magnetic Field.
I knew it would benefit me one day!

Magnetic Field Vol. II - Reprise

MAGNETIC FIELD VOL. II
By John Ross Harvey

As I may have mentioned before
I possess a strong magnetic field
It messes up radio reception and watches.
The other day it messed up my work Computer.
While doing a simple task it decided to freeze.
This was presumably caused by overheating?
The fan went ballistic, so I pulled the plug.
I had to use another person’s Computer
And while doing the same simple task
It had three physical memory dumps.
I lost over a half hours worth of work.
Did I mention this guy’s computer had a UPS?
Uninterruptible Power Supply.
I guess when Magneto is about,
No power supply is uninterruptible.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Magnetic Field - Reprise

MAGNETIC FIELD
By John Ross Harvey

You all know about magnetism.
North poles, south poles, the earth is magnetic,
Compasses point North
Opposites attract, likes repell, the whole schpiel.
Love is usually equated to magnetism.
At a sub-atomic level this may be true, considering
Much of what we digest contains metal properties,
Iron, MAGNESIUM, etc. etc.
On the Tv show LOST, it’s been theorized that the island
Is overly magnetic, and may be in synch with brain waves
Hence creating whatever one thinks.
It was speculated when the compass was several degrees off of North.
I happen to have the same effect on compasses.
North points to me, at least in my left hand.
I have to wear watches on my belt, as my hand destroys them over time.
They lose seconds, minutes, and eventually hours, if I forget to check.
There’s a comic book of mutants called the X-men.
Perhaps you’ve seen the movies, the arch-villain is Magneto.
Magneto has harnessed magnetic powers that allow him to fly, and
Destroy anything slightly metallic, like gates, or cars.
I haven’t quite mastered this ability; I’m still working on a spoon.
Just feed me more steak and I’ll get there.

Bladder Control

BLADDER CONTROL
By John Ross Harvey

The urge to go to the washroom is very different
Between Men and Women
In a School/Work environment
Women pair up with friends for trips to the W.C.
Men do not pair up.
They go when a need arises
However, more often than not
At those specific times of the day
Those men will see the same other men
In the washroom whenever they use it
In our workplace there are at least three
Men in our office that arrive at the washroom
Within minutes of each other, and myself
One suddenly realized he kept seeing me
So he joked that we must have identical bladders
Which may be so, even though he’s a foot taller
Coffee and Tea must have a certain time
That they remain in our bodies
Before forcing the urge to displace
Perhaps it was much easier as a baby when
Your diapers helped you out
You may learn if that’s true
When you develop a senior need
For Bladder Control
For now I’ll keep drinking Tea
And hope to not see the same people

Friday, June 08, 2007

Newsflash

A while ago, at March Break, read St. Patrick's Day, I was on vacation, but I wasn't being inactive. I went to Montreal for a reason, it was the only Canadian Stop for Last Comic Standing Auditions (Some of you may recall I took Comedy Writing Workshop at Humber in summer of 2004) Though I lined at 8:30 up in the morning and received a number for my potential audition then, We soon realised that TV takes its time. Having drawn number 76 of likely little over 120 numbers handed out, the other potential comedians and I, (many well established, like a recent member of Air Farce) (and some of those had preset invitation times for auditioning)
waited at the Starbucks on Avenue Du Parc most of the day,(not only is there a new language for ordering coffee, there is a call button to open the washrooms)
and found that number 20 was only done by noon. Our chances in the 70's were slim for 5:00pm The supposed cut-off time. The group I hung around with then went for lunch around 3:30pm Then we all went to the audition venue, Kola Note (which resides above a carpet store), and crammed the stairwell for the remaining time.
Auditions were now possibly extended to 6:30pm Number 52 was out by 4:00pm Looked like they were cutting people off after 90. Behind me, was a crazy old lady with a hubcap, we don't know why. Chances are she'll be on tv. About 6:00pm I took the stage Having been requested to state where we live and who we are I mentioned I live in the Ferrari fan capital of Canada without cheering for them, and I'm not dead. One judge had no idea what that meant. One judge was a McLaren fan like me. The other had trouble getting past my super powers, and joined me on stage so I could prove them to him. To understand what that means, you'll just have to watch. That makes me 99.9% certain I will be on TV. Unable to continue a routine, I was shuffled off as a mere freak of nature. You be the judge,... er another judge that wasn't them. If they don't air that (but I think they will), there was a lineup segment with a mounted policeman that I'm certain to be in.
http://www.nbc.com/Summer/Last_Comic_Standing.shtml June 13th premiere

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Punchbuggy No Punch Back

PUNCHBUGGY-NO PUNCH BACK
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody knows the game
See a VW bug, beetle, whatever you call it
And Punch somebody’s shoulder after seeing it
Then say “Punchbuggy, no punch back!”
Obviously to see the Herbie movie we needed to amend this game.
No Punching for the movie.
On our vacation, which was some 6000km of driving
We had the kids keep track on a clipboard all the Punchbuggies
In order to still have a shoulder.
After about 100 of them in the first week they gave up counting.
But it was fun as they called all the older bugs Herbies.
It’s always a good idea to count something on a long trip
It makes the time pass faster.
On a regular Toronto to Montreal trek we count certain trucks
SGT
You can guess what that stands for, but the G is a really bad green
Sometimes with kids in the vehicle the S will require amendment.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Photocopiers

PHOTOCOPIERS
By John Ross Harvey

Photocopiers are one of those things that are often mislabeled
Often called Xerox even if they’re made by Canon or perhaps LG
For some reason there are several varieties of these machines
Trays and spools and toner cartridges all in different places
Toner is probably the worst part of photocopiers
Putting it in turns you into a chimney sweep.
Covered from head to toe in black powder
Supposedly there’s an automatic button
It can figure out what paper size you want by what you insert
Or can it?
Pressing Auto button…
Which size? 11x17,Legal, or Letter?
I pressed AUTO!
This doesn’t appear to function accurately.
Now when it’s jammed it gives you fifteen locations to look for it.
And when you get to the fifteenth one, the paper is finally found.
To sum things up Photocopiers are stupid.
It doesn’t matter if you tell it what to do, it still asks.
It doesn’t matter if it’s jammed in one spot; it makes you check everywhere.
One day I hope these problems will be solved
Until then just hit the multiple copy button on your printer.Printers don’t turn you into a chimneysweep.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Uneducated

UNEDUCATED
By John Ross Harvey

You’ll find these people everywhere
Driving inappropriately
Speaking inappropriately
And writing Inappropriately
The old adage holds true
If you don’t like it, don’t watch it, or read it or whatever.
Writing or speaking a ridiculous comment
Only proves one’s own lack of an education
If you care to criticize, actually criticize
A general based ridiculous commentary means nothing
Which is likely equal to the intelligence required to form it.
Next time someone wants to express themselves
Try to use a coherent thought