Thursday, July 27, 2006

Time Machine

By John Ross Harvey

If you’re a book reader, this isn’t a new thing
Not only do books take you backwards or forwards in time
They often talk about devices that do so.
Fantasy or Science Fiction, really doesn’t matter.
Hermione in Harry Potter has a time machine in her watch.
In comics the Fantastic Four and Dr. Doom make regular travels
Using a time machine
Star Trek has used planetary catapulting to travel in time
In a Spider Robinson book Callahan’s Cross Time Saloon
A time traveler is someone that hasn’t experienced time
While being locked in prison, it can be a shock to any system
If they actually stay those 25 years.
Naturally there is one thing that anyone would change
Pandora’s box or Paradox whatever it’s called
When you mess with the past, will make the idea bad in a hurry.
There’s a guy in the news recently claiming to have such a device
Have your recollections changed?
Perhaps not.
But what if you went back in time to do something
And because you did it, the time machine no longer existed
What would you do?
I figure this is what would happen if I were able to
Prevent the creation of money.
Why would I do this?
Simple really, though we rely on it to live
All it really does it create poverty, and overly rich people with power.
Us normal folk in the lower end of the scale don’t much factor in.
Eliminating money, means everything you do is for
The pleasure of doing it, not the bills at each end of the month.
Quite frankly it’s the simplest answer to World Peace
Those that fight wars, are usually oppressed
By those with more Power, aka more Money.
If I were to succeed in this, and I have no idea where to begin,
It might just remove George W. Bush from power
That can’t be a bad thing.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Speaking In Code

By John Ross Harvey

At work, I have a coworker
That talks in code to me
To understand the code
You must realize we double-park our cars
And our code is regarding our location
Of our parked cars
In relation to each other.
We mutually agreed that we should
Park together so we always know
Who has to move or not.
If we are arranged in this manner
Our code is “We are good.”
If not “We are not good.”
To confirm we ask each other
“Are you good?”
If somebody else has parked to block us
“Who is good, if we are not good?”
If we know who they are
“Are they good?”
If they join the code
“They are also good.”

Monday, July 24, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

No doubt you’ve met people
That are very particular about their name
And how to pronounce it.
Like Satan the hockey player
He pronounces it Shitan, not SATAN!
I have similar reactions on my name.
My name is John, not Jonathan
Though one co-worker calls me John no “than”
There are 3 people allowed to call me the other John name
My childhood friend Ted
Steve at work
And my big brother
Nobody else can call me that name.
So don’t you try.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Vegans Vs. Carnivores

By John Ross Harvey

True vegans are plant only eaters
Various levels of vegetarians eat some forms of meat
Fish or even Bacon
But devout vegans abhor any form of animal life product
Claiming their choice is morally responsible
Allowing animal life to prosper
But killing every plant on earth is?
Plants create our oxygen
We need that to breathe
If vegans outnumbered carnivores (meat-eaters)
Our oxygen supply would diminish rapidly
And we’d have no life at all.
Meat-eaters are keeping the Earth balanced.
It’s an important job
Animals used for meat are usually well-aged anyway.
Unlike plants which are picked as soon as they grow
How morally responsible is that?
Where’s my steak?

Friday, July 21, 2006

Aggressive Personality

By John Ross Harvey

Perhaps you work with these people
Someone who; requires very little aggravation
To make them explode with anger.
Our Department Manager
Has this real problem using Xcel for a timesheet
He never can get it to work.
The Accounting Manager can’t read small print
He asks us to tell him, (our Manager) to fix his time sheet
Because we all fear his reaction.
This same man will be parked in the parking lot
Where we have to double-park
And will call one of us to have the car behind moved
He doesn’t care what type of car it is
And wont get out to look for you
He expects you to do this work for him
The work he does do is beyond many of us
So we give him leeway on not doing much else.
Personally I think it’s the cigarettes that make him this way

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Hot Drinks In Summer

By John Ross Harvey

It is often said that hot drinks keep you cool
Raising your body temperature
So you feel cooler
As I drink tea practically all day
I find this is true
The opposite effect could be said for beer
Drink a cold beer in the winter
To lower your body temperature
In order to feel warm
But why would you drink it in the summer heat?
In the immortal words of Cliff Claven from Cheers
“What else are you going to do with it?”

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

Meetings are an Acronym
Mostly Extraneous Exhaustive Talk In Nothing General Suggested
We just scheduled a meeting for this large job at work
Weekly progress as it were
The host was detained in another meeting
Those present before it was cancelled
Talked about almost nothing really
What do meetings achieve?
Lost time in production
The longer the meeting
The less time there is to work
Meetings do not accomplish work
They create paperwork about the meeting
They distribute paperwork of a previous meeting
They prepare paperwork for the next meeting
So when are we meeting?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Magnetic Field Volume IV

By John Ross Harvey

If you read my previous three volumes
You will know as a meat-eater I have iron rich blood
Which creates a large magnetic field in my left hand
I screw up compasses
I kill UPS systems, and perhaps alarms
And avoid bankcard theft.
But perhaps it has another benefit?
I seem to have very good luck with regard to disasters.
Though I travel to Quebec often
I was not there during the Ice Storm.
Though I live north of Toronto and work there
I wasn’t here for the massive Aphid swarm
We all know about Mel’s army
And the Snowstorm of 1998
Wasn’t here for that either.
I was in Quebec.
Most recently I took last Friday off to
Enjoy Wonderland’s Waterpark
Which allowed me to avoid
Traffic Chaos caused by a Train Derailment.
Though the Maritimes often receive
Hurricane aftermaths
None showed during my time there last summer.
As I will be away from Toronto at end of July
Expect something bad to happen
While I’m gone
Or come with me to avoid it!

Magnetic Field Volume III

Originally posted at

By John Ross Harvey

Like it or not, criminals are a devious bunch
With the new information age they can copy your cards.
Credit cards or Debit cards, whatever they can manage.
This is usually done at a card reader machine in stores
Forcing you to swipe more than once.
This happened to me recently.
My debit card was copied and an attempt to access my accounts failed.
The bank discovered the failure and called me in.
They issued me a new card and I created a new PIN #
But I have to wonder why they failed?
I’ll bet it was my Magnetic Field.
I knew it would benefit me one day!

Magnetic Field Volume II

originally posted at in 2005

By John Ross Harvey

As I may have mentioned before
I possess a strong magnetic field
It messes up radio reception and watches.
The other day it messed up my work Computer.
While doing a simple task it decided to freeze.
This was presumably caused by overheating?
The fan went ballistic, so I pulled the plug.
I had to use another person’s Computer
And while doing the same simple task
It had three physical memory dumps.
I lost over a half hours worth of work.
Did I mention this guy’s computer had a UPS?
Uninterruptible Power Supply.
I guess when Magneto is about,
No power supply is uninterruptible.

Monday, July 17, 2006


By John Ross Harvey

What is a blog?
Well, it’s a Web-log without the We
The original blogs were diary style blurbs
About anything at all, by anyone that wrote them.
Sort of like this.
Mine is primarily devoted to Comedic writing
But on occasion I will cover a current event
Perhaps with some humour
I was encouraged to write one to get my comedy seen
There may be thousands like me
But I’m on DMOZ!
I may delve into a more SNL Weekend Update style
If I were inclined to read the headlines of the day.
That is what we performed in my Comedy Workshop
All classes, improve, sketch, stand-up and writing (mine),
Performed routines for the audience of peers and friends
The writing class did a Weekend Update format
With changing reporters
As this was summer of 2004 I chose sports headlines
The Lakers hired a new coach and Shaq was leaving.
In NASCAR a rookie messed up a win and had a contract dispute.
My Weekend Update lines were as follows:
“ The Lakers have hired Tomjanovich as Head coach;
Shaquille O’Neill will be traded because he can’t pronounce
“In NASCAR, Kasey Kahne lost to Tony Stewart and is being sued by
Ford for losing to a Chevy, while driving a Dodge!”
It may seem dated now, but that’s what happens to topical humour.
I prefer to make my humour timeless.
People will always drive badly, and I will always say why.
Tell it like it is, and was, and always will be.
Don’t just tell it like it is for the moment.
If we all drove properly, I’d have almost nothing to write.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Necessity: Mother of Invention

By John Ross Harvey

It’s been said that
Necessity is the Mother of Invention
The telegraph was created to communicate
Cross continent, or cross ocean
The telephone was created to converse
In the same manner
Film was created to bring movies to the people
The television was created to bring
Stage or movie style productions to the home
Cell phones were created to converse
From areas where landline phones don’t exist
Which by today’s standards is just your car.
Inventors created all of these items
Because they needed money.
I created this blog, hopefully to become a book
And a traffic based board game within the last year.
Because Necessity is the Mother of Invention
I have no money, but need money.
Books and board games generate money
As long as they get sold.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Gimmicks and Call Signs

Originally posted Sept. 3 2005 at

By John Ross Harvey

Foxworthy has “Rednecks”
Engvall has “Here’s Your Sign”
Carlin has “Baseball Vs. Football”
Chris Rock has that “Jude Law” thing
Leno has a Chin
Letterman has the Top 10
Mine was going to be Acronyms
But I’ve evolved
You can only take a gimmick so far
Acronyms Can Run Over Nice Yellow Mercury Sedans
They’re called SUV’s
John Only Has Name
Have A Really Very Exceptional Yesterday
See What I Mean?
It can’t last forever, but some are priceless
Like Chevrolet
Crud Heaps Every Vehicle Rolls Off Line Extremely Terrible
Brain Membranes Went
Or Honda
How Often Nobody’s Driving Actually
But honestly most people hate Acronyms
They call them ASA’s
Another Stupid Acronym
Not much of a career gimmick choice
But If Rednecks and Signs work
There’s still hope for me.

Monday, July 10, 2006

The BORG Invasion

By John Ross Harvey

If you’re a Star Trek fan there are
Two possible timelines for the Borg Invasion
The 24th Century with Picard
Or the 21st Century also with Picard
Just watch Star Trek: First Contact
But as we are in the 21st Century now
It could be just a few years for Picard to save us.
TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The BORG is among us as we speak!
Everywhere you go there are people with
Odd-looking earpieces
In the streets, in the office, in their cars!
What do you mean we haven’t been invaded?
There’s Borg in my office now!
What’s a Blue-tooth?
Wireless phone headset?
They’re not BORGS?
Sorry for crying Wolf.
I’ve been updated.
Or have I?
Maybe it’s a Borg plot.
You decide.

Friday, July 07, 2006

The Big "V"

By John Ross Harvey

To any married man
Complete with children
You know what the big “V” is
The operation required
To prevent further fatherhood.
Many that have had it discuss it
The intense agony, the pain
The need for bed rest
The giant parcel of frozen vegetables
The painkillers

I have one word for you whiners


When the painkillers wore off, I took 1 Advil
The frozen parcel was used for less than an hour
Though was not required
I was riding a bike and gardening within hours.
Feel free to claim I’m lying.
I am not.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Attention Span

By John Ross Harvey

The simplest questions to my son
Often come with convoluted non-answers
As he is sometimes zoned out
From TV or Gamecube
During the question period
I’ll ask if he wants Toast or Cereal for breakfast
Which one?
Toast or Cereal?
“Um, yeah.”
Jam or Peanut Butter?
“Peanut Butter.”
So it was Toast?
To drink?
Juice or Milk?
“Uh, huh, yeah.”
So it was Milk?
When he asks me a question
He says: “Mom….uh, no I mean Dad?”

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Sounding Board

By John Ross Harvey

I’m not sure why, but many people enjoy my company
In conversation, whether I talk or not
I’ve always had a good ear
Complete strangers find me easy to converse with
People I’ve never met before in my life
Is it because I listen?
I wrote a poem several years ago; it goes as follows:

To speak is to be seen
To listen is to be heard
To say nothing is to be noble
To be noble is to be great
To be less than noble
Is the common man’s life
Thus speaks the common man.

It is impossible to be truly noble
To converse you need to make a response
Little though it may be.

If you truly enjoy the conversations
That person will become your friend
But most times they are just a stranger
You will never see again
So why make a bad impression?

Recently while in an autograph line
I chatted with a woman
That also gets migraines like I do
Though more severe
And since we were there an hour or so
I know all about her dog, her kids, her mom,
Her neighbourhood, her career.

While attending the Circus most recently
I had a discussion with somebody’s grandmother
Who was so disappointed at the chaos of the crowd, that
She brought up how organized the Markham Theatre was
During a fire alarm.

It’s very likely my most recent friendship
With a girl from work started off in this manner
She loves to talk, I love to listen
As she’s headed for a new country
We found common ground to converse
As I’d been there, and was reading about it
And I have internet buddies from the area.
After more conversations I discovered we grew up
Practically together in adjacent towns
Though I am 9 years her senior.

So, if you ever need someone’s ear
Mine is quite up to the task.
Even if we don’t know each other.