If You Were Famous

IF YOU WERE FAMOUS
By John Ross Harvey

Firstly you need to stand out from a crowd in some way
Perhaps have some type of super-power
Or a ridiculous look about you
But after being recognized for whatever that was
How many talk shows are there to be interviewed by?
What will they pay you, to do so?
Or do they?
Is a one-time event worthy of an appearance fee?
I sure hope so
A Gas Station owner named Dick Assman
Was unlikely to show up on Letterman without one.
Would you have gone on Dave for free with that name?
So let’s say what you did is as weird as his name
So you are now the talk of the town, province, nation, continent etc.
What shows would you appear on?
The Big 5 Late-Nights: Letterman, Leno, Conan, Kimmel, and Ferguson
The lesser known, but just as funny, sometimes, Stewart and Daley
The daytime shows Regis & Kelly, The View, Ellen
The tabloid shows ET and Access Hollywood
The Canadian versions ET-Canada, and E-talk
Whatever show Rivers did
Then there are the Celebrity shows like
Dancing with the Stars, and
I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here
So potentially at least
Sixteen shows to charge an appearance fee for
Let’s average them at $20,000 US
For one moment in time, a potential to earn $320,000 US
And of course extend your 15 minutes of Fame
Which is a better result than winning a certain reality show
As the prize was $250,000 US
So I’m hoping this happens.
Maybe they can pay for my Passport I don’t have yet
And the airfare, and hotels, and food
And give me a new car or something
Or a house, or cottage maybe
Maybe I could be on with someone like Spielberg
Or the Director of X-men
And have a movie deal right then and there
Or with a TV producer
And be offered a sitcom or a reality show host job
It may be a big dream, but if you don’t aim high
You hit the bottom.
I wouldn’t live this moment alone though.
If I could bring someone along
These shows need musical acts
I could insist on some of my favourite
Lesser know artists to join me
And increase their fame, which they’ve worked hard for
Because that’s the kind of guy I am
Yes, I’d love the money
But If I can get someone else recognized for their talent as well
That pays better dividends in the long run.