Monday, May 28, 2007

How to Drive Like a Torontonian

By John Ross Harvey

Disclaimer: Not to be attempted, not on a closed course, not by professional drivers

When making a left turn always go over to the right hand lane
This helps tick off the guy behind you
When turning right make sure you take the left lane
It’s important to piss everyone off
When making a lane change, never signal, they can read your mind
If the lineup to turn is too long, go around it,
Why wait when you can the jerk in the lead?
If you smoke, make sure you throw your butts out the window
The guys flashing their high beams and honking are jealous they don’t smoke
Never read a road sign, the lane ends whenever you feel like it
Even if it’s the shoulder
Always go on a green light, the idiots in front have to move for you
When the Intersection is blocked
Never pull over when you hear sirens
Especially at an Intersection
The firemen are trained to drive around moving cars
Always park at the front door, never look for a parking spot
Too bad if people are pissed you’re smarter than them
Always waste time in a drive-through
Change your order 6 times and leave with just a coffee
The other buggers late for work will love you for it
Always drive a grey car without lights on
Especially in the rain and fog
If you have to change your tire
The mini is ok for the highway
Don’t believe the people that bother to read it
Always re-wire your tail lights
It keeps the people guessing if your brakes work
Always wait till last moment from 3 lanes over
When exiting a highway
Never accept the big opening when you enter a highway
That small one in front of the next guy is a better spot
Chase him down if he wont let you have it
Remember everybody has to get out of your way
Honk if necessary
I’m allowed to try passing you between parked cars
You have to give way to my SUV
When the light is red
Everybody in the turning line can still go
The advance green guys can wait for us

Laugh or cry, everything listed happens, every day .
Don’t join the untrained motorists
Don’t do any of the above actions.

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