Life's Moments

LIFE’S MOMENTS
By John Ross Harvey

There are things that happen in life
Which are funny
You have to remember them
When painting our powder room red
I got paint on my head
My wife pointed at it and I said:
“Gorbachov!”
The antenna snapped off my car
After an ice storm
And the radio still works
So my car comes with a useless device
And the weather made me realize it.
Before I was married
I did a lip synching dance number
Complete with pyrotechnics on a green screen
To INXS’ New Sensation
Around the same time I went to a Portuguese wedding
And danced up a storm there
The bride informed me, that I was a celebrity in Portugal
Because I danced so madly
In her wedding video, which most of Portugal had then seen
I borrowed a movie off a friend
And slept through parts of it
I told her I liked what I saw
Which wasn’t really lying
I asked my neighbour to lend me her DaVinci Code book
She’d been trying to read it for months, but struggled
She saw me after I bought the paperback
When I was half done in 2 days
The look on her face was priceless.
Snowstorms always happen on days you need to be home early.
It only rains after you wash the car
Gas prices rise immediately before you need it.

Sanjaya Malakar destroys American Idol

SANJAYA MALAKAR DESTROYS AMERICAN IDOL
By John Ross Harvey

Here’s this kid
Semi-cute
Girls love him
Not a great singer
Vote for the Worst’s poster boy
Wore a ridiculous faux-hawk hairdo
While singing poorly
He’s now in the top 9
Of American Idol
This boy has single-handedly
Done what all the other networks have been praying for
Destroyed American Idol
If he makes the Top 8
Heads will start rolling
Chris Sligh was much better than him
Gina Glockson is my personal favourite
Nobody may touch the duo of Melinda and Lakisha
But the way things are going
It’ll be Haley and Sanjaya in the final.
Don’t bet on it
You might win.

Star Trek - Revisited

STAR TREK -REVISITED
By John Ross Harvey

There isn’t a North American alive
That doesn’t know Star Trek
You have Kirk fans called Trekkies
And Picard fans called Trekkers
And Archer fans called….missing
I could call myself a Trekkie Trekker
I can…talk…..like…….Captain……Kirk…does
Or prove I’m a bilingual Vulcan (show fingers)
If I could master the neck pinch
I might win more fights.
From the Picard point of view
I’m bald, so we look alike
I can fake a French accent too
But I have to bring up the main differences
Between Classic and Next Generation Star Trek
On an away mission, there was Kirk, Spock, Bones,
And a Red shirt
You know; the guy who’s going to DIE!
Now in Picard’s century on an away mission
He takes Riker and Geordi
What does he need an engineer for on the planet?
“Captain, the structural integrity of that tree branch is failing”
“Geordi to Enterprise, please beam down two titanium support columns.”
Do you not find it weird that Picard is wearing a Red Shirt?
Isn’t that wrong?
Last time I checked he doesn’t die.
They made a lot of improvements in one century
Better technology and less chrome
And no more instant death of Red Shirts
Klingons actually look alien instead of like bearded Kung fu guys.
Tribbles are no longer sold as pets.
Warp 10 is an order, not an impossibility
Make it so!

Dreams

DREAMS
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody has dreams right?
You’ve done everything
And been everything you’ve ever wanted
I’ve been an astronaut
A formula one race driver
A politician,
Wait that was a nightmare
I’ve been a stand-up comic in my dreams
Imagine that
A father in his forties
Single income, two children, outstanding mortgage
SITCOM
Isn’t that a prerequisite?
All sitcoms are by stand-up comics
Bill Cosby
Steve Harvey
I really don’t think we’re related, but he is funny
Ray Romano
Paul Reiser
No he only had one child in his show
So it then cancelled over money
SITCOM after the fact
My son’s new favourite channel is Family
A whole lot of sitcoms
8 Simple Rules
That’s so Raven
And his favourite
Smart Guy
Where a 10 year old teaches everyone else about life
Isn’t that a new game show?
Foxworthy’s: Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Be very thankful Smart Guy isn’t on that
These contestants might actually win the million!

Diets

DIETS
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody is on a diet
Low Fat
Low Carb
Low Salt
Low Sugar
Will Shatner-All Bran
I’m not on a diet
Perhaps I should be but I’m not
Low Carbs means no grains, and lots of meat
Liking the meat part, but no bread or pasta is unthinkable
Low fat, is yoghurt, I eat that, but it’s not a meal
Low salt, well if it has it, you eat it, if not, it qualifies
Low sugar, that’s simply insane!
Everything has sugar.
No sugar is absolute starvation.
That may shed the pounds off, but it won’t be pleasant.
I did do the Will Shatner All Bran diet before, and it worked
Until you can’t stand the taste of All Bran anymore.
I prefer the Eat what I want diet
If you want it, eat it.
That way you don’t starve on what’s missing.

Bizarre Happenings

BIZARRE HAPPENINGS
By John Ross Harvey

My wife and I bought an exercise bike
An elliptical pedal and ski pole type thing
It’s been fun to use
But it’s not in perfect running order
The wires inside somehow do not
Record the data on the digital readout
Everything is “0” except your pulse
Which is a different wire
We took the cover off the wheel to see what’s wrong
But found nothing we could change
So we’re resorting to the toll-free service number
1-866-etc. etc.
Except that a message on that number says
“The number 416-etc. etc. is no longer in service
Please call 1-800-etc. etc. “
So my wife calls it, and it’s a pipeline company in B.C.
Somewhere along the lines
A phone number got messed up
I doubt very much that a pipeline company
Can fix my exercise bike.
I’ll let Canadian Tire figure it out.
My 90 days aren’t up yet.