Hallowe'en

HALLOWE’EN
By John Ross Harvey

2nd annual posting

All Hallow’s Eve
Hallow’s Evening
Hallowe’en
Not Halloween as many may write
This was not a Christian celebration
But a Celtic observation of the end of summer
Reaping of the final harvest
Beginning of winter
Where Samhain, Lord of Dead, gathers souls
In animals, and decides what other animals
They will reside in next
On the Eve of this Day
Barriers between Natural and
Supernatural worlds are Broken
Faeries were considered hostile
People would imitate Faeries
And ask for Treats, or the household
Would be tricked
Hence modern day trick-or-treating
These imitators would carry turnips
Carved with faces
Much like the modern day Jack-o-lantern
This festival became observed here
In North America after the Irish
Potato famine made many emigrate
From Ireland and bring their folklore with them.

But let’s face reality here
There is but one reason Hallowe’en exists today
Commercialism
An incentive to buy products
Second only to Christmas
At least for now
Until the next MUST HAVE candy comes around
Hallowe’en will then be #1
In the pockets of Commercial Enterprise
Too bad the Irish don’t run them.

JOHNNY.CA

JOHNNY.CA
By John Ross Harvey


Is it just me, or is Johnny square?
This has to be the biggest nerd campaign ever
Johnny makes Revenge of the Nerds
Look like Jocks
He won’t turn up his stereo
He won’t park with a girl
What do you expect from Chevrolet?
They still don’t know
How many taillights
An Impala is supposed to have!
Six
Not Four
Not Two
Six
And Lose Johnny
Maybe Computer Geeks outnumber us
And that’s your market target
But they already drive Mercedes
They don’t want a Cobalt/Cavalier
Poor people like us are forced to buy Chevy
Unless they have better taste
And move up to a Ford or Dodge
Johnny isn’t selling anything

Multiple Meanings

MULTIPLE MEANINGS
By John Ross Harvey

The English language is a funny thing
Two words can be spelled the same, sound different,
But mean something entirely different,
Or have more than one meaning.
Close or Close
Close that door or
You’re too close.
Same spelling, different sound, different meaning.
Peanuts
They are Nuts to some but are properly called Legumes
It’s a small amount of Money
It’s a cartoon strip
It’s a reference to a small…
More meanings, same sound.
Wound or Wound
You were wound up, or you wound it up.
It’s a small flesh wound.
Very different meaning, different sound, same spelling.
Jerk or Jerk
He’s a big Jerk
Let’s have Jerk Chicken
Different meaning, same sound and spelling.
File or File or File
You filed it under that name.
You stood in single file.
You cut it with a file.
Same word, same sound, different meanings

So the next time somebody whose English
Is their second or third language or more
Doesn’t sound like they understand English

There’s a very good reason!

Give them a break they have much more
Than these examples to try to comprehend.
And they didn’t have the 30+ years you did
To get it quite as poorly as yourself.

Baseball Can't Take the Rain

BASEBALL CAN’T TAKE THE RAIN
By John Ross Harvey

In several levels of Auto Racing rain is part of the sport
In fact many rain-affected races are far more exciting.
In Football, at least in the CFL, games continue in Snow or even Fog
A little rain never hurt that game
Now Hockey and Basketball are indoors so they have no excuses
But Baseball refuses to play in the rain
Why?
Are they afraid of the Mud?
They get dirty anyway in a dry game
It can’t possibly be because of the Laundry bill
Are they afraid of Hypothermia?
Perhaps rain in October is colder, but it’s not snow.
Rain delays are pathetic
If you dare to call your championship a World Series
You should at least be able to deal with the weather
Put on raincoats, I don’t really care how you play
But play the game; people have paid to see.
Do you think the fans are afraid of the rain?
No!
You are not a world-class outdoor sport,
Until you can handle the rain.

10 Things Wrong with GTA Drivers

10 THINGS WRONG WITH GTA DRIVERS
By John Ross Harvey

These are listed in No prioritized order, they are all wrong.

1. Grey Cars, Grey Roads, Grey Skies, No Lights! NO SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Directional Deficit Disorder: Why pass on left to exit at next right????????
3. Lost Lane Losers: Is the picture of the lane ending not enough for you?????
4. Intersection Blockers: If you don’t fit; don’t be a twit!
5. READ A ROAD SIGN: “School Zone” does not mean speed up. “Do Not Block Intersection” does not mean go ahead and block it.
6. Red Light Runners: When you are three cars back going left, it’s NOT OK TO TURN!
7. Weather: Defroster Lines, and Snow do not make visibility good.
8. Lane Hoppers: Guaranteed you will be behind the first guy you passed at the next red light.
9. Parked Car Passing: People do not park in the LEFT LANE. THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. Fire Lane Parking: Me Society Morons deserve to be TOWED!!!!!!!!


Improving on these 10 things will greatly improve your commute and your anger.

Thanksgiving

2nd annual posting

THANKSGIVING
By John Ross Harvey

American and Canadian Thanksgivings differ
They have it in November
We have it in October
They have it on Thursday (who knows why?)
We have it on Monday (long weekend of course)
They celebrate the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock
We celebrate the harvesting of food
They eat turkey
So do we
We stuff ourselves 3 weeks before Hallowe’en
They stuff themselves 3 ½ weeks after Hallowe’en
They watch NFL football games
CFL doesn’t play on Monday; it’s a long weekend!

SPAM

SPAM
By John Ross Harvey

What is SPAM?
One version is poor man’s Ham in a CAN.
Another has been affectionately labeled
To unwanted emails
Spewed Pathetic Accosting Messages
If I had a $ for every stock quote I’ve received
I’d already be a Millionaire
If I lost a pound for every weight loss program I’ve been mailed
I’d weigh absolutely nothing
If I had a house for every mortgage quote I received
I’d own a small village
If I had a woman for every sex pill message I’ve received
I could rival Gene Simmons
If I had a computer for every software or printer message
I’d rival the largest computer networks
If I had a bank account for all the Nigerian dictators that mail me
I could live very nicely in the Grand Caymans
If I bought everything I supposedly bid on Ebay (but didn’t)
I’d be in seriously huge financial debt
If I could write as many jokes as my friends send me
I’d start up a blog
Oh, right, I did that already.
To all the losers of this world, that are sending these emails
I hear Bill Gates is looking to hire.

Groups

GROUPS
By John Ross Harvey

In the animal kingdom, there are groups
Usually with a different name
So they can distinguish themselves
From other groups
Like Herd of Elephants
Pride of Lions
Pack of Wolves
Or MURDER of CROWS.
How exactly did that name come about?
School of Fish
A Pod of Whales
A Gaggle of Geese
A Colony of Ants, or an Army of Ants
A Troop of Chimpanzees
A Flock of Sheep
Not to be confused with
A Flock of Birds
Which aren’t murdering crows
Or gaggling geese.

Here’s a list I was able to Google from www.Blackdog4kids.com


Antelope Herd
Ants Colony or an army
Apes Shrewdness
Asses Herd or pace
Bacteria Culture
Badgers Cete
Bass Shoal
Bears Sleuth or sloth
Beavers Colony
Bees Swarm, grist or hive
Birds Flock, flight, congregation or volery
Bitterns Sedge or siege
Board Sounder
Buffalo Herd
Bucks Brace or clash
Caterpillars Army
Cows Kine of cows (twelve cows are a flink)
Coyote Band
Cranes Sedge or siege
Crocodiles Float
Crows Murder
Cubs Litter
Curlews Herd
Curs Cowardice
Cats Clowder or clutter
Cattle Herd or drove
Chickens Brood or peep
Chicks Clutch or chattering
Clams Bed
Cobras Quiver
Colts Rag
Coots Cover
Deer Herd
Dogs Pack
Doves Dule
Ducks Brace, paddling or team
Eggs Clutch
Elephants Herd
Elephant seals Pod
Elks Gang
Emus Mob
Ferrets Business or fesnyng
Finches Charm
Fish School, shoal, run, haul, catch or draught
Flies Swarm
Foxes Skulk or leash
Frogs Army or colony
Geese Flock, gaggle or skein (in flight)
Gnats Cloud or horde
Goats Herd, tribe or trip
Goldfinches Charm
Gorillas Band
Greyhounds Leash
Hares Down or husk
Hawks Cast or kettle
Hens Brood
Herons Hedge
Hogs Drift or parcel
Horses Team, pair or harras
Hounds Pack, mute or cry
Jellyfish Smack
Kangaroos Troop or mob
Kittens Kindle or litter
Larks Ascension or exultation
Leopards Leap (leep)
Lions Pride
Locusts Plague
Moles Labour
Monkeys Troop
Mules Barren or span
Magpies Tiding
Mallards Surd
Mares Stud
Martens Richness
Owls Parliament
Oxen Yoke, drove, team or herd
Oysters Bed
Parrots Company
Partridges Covey
Peacocks Muster or ostentation
Peeps Litter
Pheasants Nest, nide (Nye) or bouquet
Pigeons Flock or flight
Pigs Litter
Plovers Wing or congregation
Ponies String
Porpoises Pod
Quail Covey or bevy
Rabbits Nest
Rats Pack or swarm
Rattlesnakes Rhumba
Ravens Unkindness
Rhinos Crash or herd
Roebucks Bevy
Rooks Building or clamour
Seals Herd or pod
Sheep Drove or flock
Snakes Nest
Snipe Walk or wisp
Sparrows Host
Squirrels Dray
Starlings Numeration
Storks Mustering
Swallows Flight
Swans Bevy, herd, lamentation or wedge
Swifts Flock
Swine Sounder or drift
Teal Spring
Toads Knot
Trout Hover
Turkeys Rafter
Turtledoves Pitying or dule
Turtles Bale
Vipers Nest
Walrus Pod
Whales School, gam or pod
Wolves Pack or route
Woodcocks Fall
Woodpeckers Descent


Now that we know all the combinations listed above
That still explains nothing about why they got the name
And I’m hard pressed to come up with any reasons
Except that crows (or ravens) have been associated with evil and death
In literature for many years, probably dating back to Pagan beliefs
So Murder was a natural extension of the fear of Crows in humans.
Now you know something old, you just weren’t told before.

Butter Vs. Margarine

BUTTER VS. MARGARINE
By John Ross Harvey

I received an email recently
It pointed out the various differences between
Butter and Margarine

Margarine has 5 grams of Fat
Butter has 8 grams of Fat

Eating margarine will increase heart disease in 53% of women
Eating butter will increase the absorption of other food nutrients

Butter has nutritional benefits
Margarine has them, but they are added

Butter enhances food flavours
Margarine, …not so much

Butter has been here for centuries
Margarine for less than 100 years

Margarine is high in trans fats tripling your risk of coronary heart disease
Increasing your risk of cancer up to 5 fold
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (the bad kind)
Lowering HDL (the good one)
Lowers breast milk quality
Decreases Immune response and Insulin response

But worse than all of that
It is one molecule away from being PLASTIC

It’s an edible oil product
Plastic is made from oil

In George Carlin’s theory of our existence
We were created to make Plastic

We did that already, it’s time we left.

But before we do
I’ll have some hot buttered popcorn with Real Butter

Newfoundland & Labrador

NEWFOUNDLAND & LABRADOR
By John Ross Harvey

Yes, it’s a beautiful 2-part province
Not that I’ve been there, but seen pictures
But that’s not what I’m talking about
The Dogs
Newfoundland and Labrador
Which came first?
The province, or the dogs?
Since Newfoundland and Labrador
Joined Canada in 1949
They’ve actually existed much longer
But when did the Dogs get this name?
Did they have another name before?
Or were they bred after the province was named?
I suspect they were named after the province
But how many other dog breeds
Are named after bodies of land?
German Sheppard is one I suppose
Not too many dogs named New York or New Jersey
Never heard of a Texas or Ontario dog
No California or Saskatchewan dogs either
Montana or Manitoba
Colorado or Quebec
Utah or Alberta
Mississippi or Yukon
Guess they aren’t beautiful enough
To have a dog named after them
Or is it the other way around?