BACON

BACON
By John Ross Harvey

Let’s face it
Bacon is great
Side bacon, or back bacon (read Canadian or Pemeal)
There’s nothing better
It smells fantastic
It tastes even better
Even if it’s burnt to a crisp
It improves a hamburger
It makes chicken taste better
It does well on steak and scallops
It is pork, so it can’t really help other pork
It belongs in a Caesar salad
Is it much wonder the company I work for
Is spelled U R Bacon?

SCARS

SCARS
By John Ross Harvey

To many people Scars give character
But it really depends on the location
Most people don’t stare at your leg inseam
Or your heel
Which is where my large ones are
The heel was from a windshield wiper blade
As my brother thought it was ok for me to slide
The leg was from a log in a garden
As I had a paper route in my youth
I tended to short-cut lawns to deliver papers
And I gashed the inside of my leg
And played soccer about an hour later
The scar was so huge, some kids thought
My leg was reattached from an accident
I have another minor scar on my left middle finger
It reminds me of my first day at my current job
June 12 1997, the printer jammed
I reached in to fix the jam, and ripped my top knuckle
I still have the triangle to remind me
The next finger over has a round scar on the fingertip
Exacto blade in Architectural model class
Architecture were regulars in the nursing station
They saw my blood and said
“Architecture model class?”
My kids have scars too
My son cut his chin when he fell with a baby bottle years ago
My daughter crawled into my old computer desk
And has a mark on her forehead
Without scars, life would need better reminders.

Age Matters

AGE MATTERS
By John Ross Harvey

There are many things in life that are age restricted
After having taken a racing course in Mt Tremblant at age 23
I began saving to take a course in France called Winfield
Their age limit was 27
My plan was to save up for 3 years and go at 26
When I turned 26, I was laid off
And Winfield school reduced its age limit to 25
So not only couldn’t I afford it, I was now too old.
As I watched Discovery Channel the other night
There was a commercial for Starracer
A reality show looking for race drivers in Canada
Well I wrote down the email and expressed my desire
To be the next great Canadian racer
They responded with a link to the entry form
Which had all the rules and eligibility
Age 16-30
Yet again denied solely on the basis of my age.
I’m not 40 at heart
I’m much more like 16.
16 with 24 years experience.
So if you are a race team looking for an experienced
Driver complete with a race driver certificate
That has a spiffy Canadian themed helmet
And Age doesn’t matter
I’m your man!
At least the Indy 500 doesn’t discriminate
Anyone with the funds to show up
Can race there, after taking Indy Rookie School
Now all I really need is someone willing
To spend money, so I can do that.
As all other potential race opportunities in my life
Discriminated my age.

Math

MATH
By John Ross Harvey

Remember being in school
And thinking when will I ever use math?
Did you fail?
I see many drivers that must have.
At least the math known as Geometry
Because, they block intersections
So they obviously don’t know the size
Or the shape of their vehicle
In order to comprehend the mathematics
That suggest their vehicle will not fit!
It must be a sad life to think your SUV
Can fit in a 2” space
You’d have to be pretty bad at Math to think that
I was always good at math
I don’t block intersections because
I know the size of my car
And I can determine whether the time allows
Me the ability to cross before the light changes
And in the city of Toronto, it usually doesn’t
Because the intersection is already full
Of people that failed Geometry
Just go to Keele/Tretheway intersection
In morning rush hour to see many of them
In Woodbridge they are at Hawkview/Weston intersection
Right downtown they are at every Lakeshore intersection
Your vehicle has a shape, which is large
The white line you cannot cross yet is thin and flat
Big large shapes do not fit on thin flat lines
Its simple math
Anyone with a brain could figure it out

Milestones

MILESTONES
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody measures things by Milestones
1. Your car’s first 100,000 km
2. Your child’s 10th birthday
3. Your 10th year at the job
4. Your 40th birthday

Item 1 have done a few times, current cars waiting
Item 2 child 1 in a year and a bit, child 2 another 2 and a bit
Item 3 very close, currently at 9
Item 4 just happened

What’s your milestone?

1. First Million dollars?
2. First celebrity status?
3. First Asparagus taste?
4. First government office?
5. First blog reader?
6. Something else?

Have fun getting to the next one.

Rarely Watched TV

RARELY WATCHED TV
By John Ross Harvey

Why is it that when an old TV show comes on
That you rarely ever watched when it was current
Only ever plays the episode that you remember vividly.
I was in a waiting room and Becker was on.
I liked Becker, but he went to time-slot oblivion
The one episode I vividly remember
Was where his Condo’s super died knocking on his wall
He thought it was his neighbour so he ignored it.
Then his annoying diner pal got the Job of super.
His receptionist fell in love with some boxes in the mail
And the diner was frequented only for the bathroom
Except for Becker and the diner regulars.
I also caught an episode of Rosanne
A show I almost never watched
And the one show I remember
Where Dan and Rosanne scare each other for pranks
Was of course the episode that was on.

Or if it was shows you actually did watch before
It would be the episode you remember best

If I were to flip the channel and find WKRP in Cincinnati
It would probably be the Bomb scare and the Phone Cops
Where Johnny and Venus air from the transmitter
Where the bomb was in the toolbox
If it were a Barney Miller episode
(Best TV Guitar Riff ever)
It would probably be Clayton telling a psychic reader
He was born in a Galaxy far far away
And the psychic read that he was telling the truth
And later telling the guys, it was really a plane over Cleveland.
If it was a Columbo episode
He’d be saying “Just one more thing, Sir.”

The Mini Tire

THE MINI TIRE
By John Ross Harvey

Firstly, whoever invented this had one plan
Let’s see how many people crash!
Mini tires are rated for 80 km/h
For a maximum of 100km
If you’d bothered to READ IT!
So usually every day
Someone drives on a major HIGHWAY
With a MINI TIRE on
And today my commute was lengthened
By over 30 minutes
Because somebody lost a tire
On Highway 400 South
I cannot confirm that the tire was a Mini Tire
But chances are in favour that it was
How much better traffic would be
If people bothered to READ!

The Day After

THE DAY AFTER
By John Ross Harvey

All the Doomsayers said the World would End
Yesterday on 6/6/6, or more accurately 06/06/2006
Well it didn’t happen!
Or this is an Alternate Universe
You decide!
The world may not end
Until Gilbert Gottfried gets a new voice.
Scratch that, that’s a good idea.
The world may end whenever time says so.
But for now we have to face the reality
That we’re still alive
Alternate reality or not.

666

666
By John Ross Harvey

Today is June 6, 2006
To many this is 6/6/6
To others it is 06/06/06
It was almost my 40th birthday
But I was 5 days late
So if you didn’t get me a present yet
There’s still time.
Poll on Country 95.3 website
The world will end today 6/6/6
It will continue after today 6/6/6
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Go on and vote
I’ll tell you tomorrow.

A Face For Radio

originally posted July 21 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

A FACE FOR RADIO
By John Ross Harvey

It’s often been said that DJ’s are in radio because they have a face for it.
What that means is you’re not pretty enough for TV.
Well, not without makeup anyway.
Yet many Radio DJ’s have their face on the TV.
Does this saying mean absolutely nothing?
Are we supposed to believe that all DJ’s are unattractive?
No.
If Stu Jeffries can have a TV show and attractive female co-hosts,
That saying means nothing at all,
Or he just has really good makeup.

Road Signs Volume II

originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com July 2005

ROAD SIGNS VOLUME II
By John Ross Harvey

You’ve seen the signs. This Lane Ends.
Doesn’t seem to get the point across.
Driver’s attitude is: So what?
It needs to be improved upon.
Merge Now or Be Stranded Forever!
No Time, No Lane, Too Late!
This Lane Is Not For Passing!
Don’t Push You’re Luck!
Horns Won’t Help You!
Then there is the Most Ignored Sign Ever: STOP!
People in my survey think it spells FOLLOW!
Other think it spells PASS THE PARKED CAR!
It needs work, people are ignoring it.
If you Don’t, A Child May Die!
Four Letters, Too Much to Read?
Red Octagon, Any Idiot Knows This.
T-boned if you Don’t!
Is it worth a Life?
Save a Life, Your Own.
You vs. The Train. Guess who wins?
Then my Favourite Sign of Ignorance: Do Not Block Intersection
Not hard to understand is it?
Lights change and You’re a Dead Duck!
Don’t Fit, Don’t Go!
Green Does Not Mean Go All the Time!
If Way Isn’t Clear Do Not Proceed!
There’s a Reason Your Fender is Busted!
You or the Transport Truck? Guess who wins?
Ever Heard of Yield?
Eyeballs are Useful!
Brains Should be Engaged!
You’re Cellphone has Fried your Brain!
If it’s Red You May be Dead!