Ode to Bill Engvall - Here's Your Sign

ODE TO BILL ENGVALL-HERE'S YOUR SIGN
By John Ross Harvey

It shouldn't take rocket science to know simple things.
If you're friend lives in and apartment building
20 floors, 500 units
And they have that electronic call button gizmo in the lobby
Do not park in front of the building
And HONK YOUR HORN
To admit your stupidity
We all know you are
There's no need to broadcast it to the world
Get out of your car,
Which is already illegally parked
And learn how to find your friend's call button
If not
“Here's Your Sign!”

Smoker Drivers

SMOKER DRIVERS
By John Ross Harvey

Is it just me, or do smokers annoy us all?
Why must smoking motorists flick their cigs
Out the window
While bombing down the highway?
Do they not comprehend
The exact location of their ashtray?
Are they oblivious to the laws of litter?
Do they even care?
No, they don’t
Which is why you have cigarette burn marks
In your tires
When you don’t even smoke!
Honestly I think they should install boomerangs
Into cigarette filters so the
Butts fly back into them
Instead of annoying us all.
That’s just my opinion
Do you enjoy having butts thrown at you?
I thought not.
I think all street sweeping should be paid for
By cigarette taxes
It’s their butts getting swept anyway.
$1 per cigarette should cover it.
How’d you like smoking now?

Hollywood Couples

HOLLYWOOD COUPLES
By John Ross Harvey

You’ve heard them, the nicknames for Hollywood couples
Ben-ifer for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
Ben-ifer2 now that he’s with Jennifer Garner perhaps
TomKat for Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes
Bra-ngelina for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Now we have Vince-ifer for Vince Vaughan with Jennifer Anniston
Is it just me, or is Jennifer a fairly common half for a couple?
Did they ever do Adrian Pazdar with Dixie Chick Natalie Maines?
Adnat or maybe Pazmaines or Natad or Maipaz
What about Keanu Reeves and Diane Keaton, um yes, weird, but
Keane or Dinu or Reeton or Keaves
Apparently it has to sound catchy to work well
Like perhaps Harrison Ford with Michelle Pfeiffer could be Pfeiford
Or perhaps Harichelle, if they were together
Evangeline Lilly with Dominic Monaghan is a toughie
Evaninic or Domiline or Lillyhan or Monilly
It just doesn’t work well
The old Copy guy from Saturday Night Live must be the inspiration
Why else would the names annoy us to death?

PDF

PDF
By John Ross Harvey

You know what it is but what could it stand for?
Public Document File
Pretty Darned Fast
Positively Darned Frustrating
Printer Diseased File
Of all the documents I’ve ever worked with
Pdfs have to be the most problematic
If it looks good on the screen
And you send it to a printer
The printer will probably not like it
And you hold the queue up for the office
Making people mad at you
Because their file is held up
Except they are printing Pdfs too
And they hold it up after yours is purged.
Print Document File
Purge Damaged File
Program Disaster Fiasco

Grocery Store Conveyor Etiquette

GROCERY STORE CONVEYOR ETIQUETTE
By John Ross Harvey

If there’s one thing that annoys me
It’s the lack of understanding of the simplest things
Like a grocery store conveyor belt
Or a department store even.
If something is on the conveyor it stops when it hits the end
Something like, I don’t know

A BAR!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do people insist on holding their two items in their arms
While you stand behind them waiting to put your stuff down
So it doesn’t hit the end before these people pay????????

Can you not just this once be lazy and put your stuff down?

If you have a ton of stuff on the belt
And I have a ton of stuff waiting for your ton of stuff

PUT THE BAR DOWN!!!!!!

I’m quite tired of doing other people’s work
Just so I can put my stuff down.

And last but not least
Never leave your kids to do this job
They are scared by the conveyor belt and
Because they wont put anything down
It zips along at 120km/h until someone
Probably Me
Puts a BAR or something on it.

Life just isn’t that difficult.

Dogs-Mathematical Geniuses

DOGS-MATHEMATICALLY GENIUSES
By John Ross Harvey

I’m sure you’ve all seen the old Warner Bros. Cartoons
Wile E. Coyote – Genius
I don’t think that’s far off myself.
Sure in the cartoon a Rabbit outwits him
But can a Rabbit stare at a Frisbee or a ball
Flying through the air and
Calculate how fast to run, when to jump, and
When to snatch the object?
I think not.
Why is it when someone loses to an opponent
They are “out-foxed”?
Because Dogs are mathematical geniuses
You heard it here first.

Frustration

FRUSTRATION
By John Ross Harvey

Have you ever had anything that simply
Bothers the hell out of you?
Something that’s supposed to be a hobby
Or a relaxing pastime?
I purchased a die-cast car model
American Graffiti’s 1955 Chevy 150 (aka Bel-Air)
It came without several parts
It had extra parts not required
It had wheels that do not fit the spindles of the axles
I drilled the wheels, now they are too big!
The glue doesn’t set and they keep falling off!
Not being a fan of the post 60’s Chevys
I like the 1955 model
But it won’t finish going together!
It may yet find a circular file
Unless the glue finally worked.

COOL ADVENTURES

Originally posted Jan. 3 2006 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

COOL ADVENTURES
By John Ross Harvey

I got a bizarre auto magazine for Christmas
In it were some radically different
Vacation Ideas
For $6500 US you can
Fly a MIG 23, 25 or 29 with
An English-speaking Russian Test Pilot
They don’t say you’ll survive.
The other bizarre idea was
An Underwater Hotel near the Bahamas
For $1500 US a night you can sleep under
The Atlantic Ocean
What they don’t say is
How many diver voyeurs will swim over you?

Addiction

ADDICTION
By John Ross Harvey

There are many things one can be addicted to
Alcohol
Cigarettes
Chocolate
Potato Chips
French Fries
Peanuts
And most of these can be bad for you
Despite how good they feel
But I have to say, though I like chocolate and peanuts
And eat chips and French fries often
And partake in the odd alcoholic beverage
Yet never smoked
I can’t truly say I’ve ever been addicted to anything
Besides say the Tv show LOST, until now.
www.batracer.com
This is the most addictive racing game on the planet
And you don’t actually drive at all
It lets you setup your car with slide bars
For various elements like tires, brakes etc.
And you race against others
Without doing anything more than watching it happen!
I am now competing in 4 different leagues here.
Addiction