Pancake Tuesday / Ash Wednesday

PANCAKE TUESDAY/ ASH WEDNESDAY
By John Ross Harvey

I believe the Roman Catholics created this
A day without meat
So fill up on Pancakes
But they will be better with lots of blueberries
The book I’m reading identifies the Finnish population
Within Canada in Thunder Bay
That Pancakes are a Finnish staple
Unless you’re in Moose Jaw building a boat to go home
At any rate, maybe it was the Finnish Roman Catholics.
The book by the way is by Will Ferguson
Beauty Tips From Moose Jaw, fantastic read.
Now Lent follows Pancake Tuesday on Ash Wednesday
I understand Roman Catholics have the cross put on
Their foreheads in Ash
But the prospect of lent is to fast, or give up something.
As a die-hard tea drinker, that’s not going to be given up.
With the Amazing Race back on TV and LOST, neither is TV.
I positively crave chocolate, so I will attempt
To forgo eating any chocolate enhanced food or confectionary.
It will likely be replaced by very salty Chips.

Internet & Email Acronyms

INTERNET & EMAIL ACRONYMS
By John Ross Harvey

You’ve all joined the odd message board or two
You’ve all mailed several thousand emails by now
You see acronyms all the time

LOL = Laughing Out Loud
PMSL= Peeing My Self laughing
ROFL= Rolling On Floor Laughing

I was never satisfied with these

TWSDFIBAGTTTO

That Was So Darn Funny I Busted A Gut Two Thousand Times Over

Then you have the matter of fact acronyms

TBH = To Be Honest
IMO = In My Opinion
IMHO= In My Honest Opinion
FT= Full Truth (is there such a thing as not quite full truth?)

Again far to simple to misunderstand

ATRTTCFFTIMABMUFYB

Actually That Really Takes The Cake For Facts That I
Might Actually Be Making Up For Your Benefit

Have fun with it, don’t be boring.

Short Forms

SHORT FORMS
By John Ross Harvey

We all know how bizarre the English language is
Silent e’s or h’s, i before e except after c
Weird rules indeed
Rules usually have exceptions too.
French make everything relate
To Masculine or Feminine traits.
Often this makes more sense than English.
But what I’m talking about is
Short forms that bear little or no
Resemblance to the Long form of the word.
At least in English.

LB=Pound. How is that possible?

The origin is in the Latin word libra, which could mean both balance scales (hence the symbol for the astrological sign Libra, which was named after a constellation that was thought to resemble scales) and also a pound weight, for which the full expression was libra pondo, the second word being the origin of our pound.

OZ=Ounce. Why use a Z?

The abbreviation for ounce is "oz". This comes from 15th century Italian, also "oz" which is an abbreviation of "onza". "Oncia" seems to be the modern Italian for ounce (although they use metric measures now, of course) and I suppose that "onza" is a variant of this. The word "ounce" comes from the Latin "uncia" or twelfth part. The ounce is a sixteenth part of a pound avoirdupois, but it used to be a twelfth part of a pound troy.

I.e. or E.g. = Example. Now, why is that?


I.e. is an abbreviation for Latin id est, "that is." E.g. is for exempli gratia, "for the sake of example." So you can say, "I like citrus fruits, e.g., oranges and limes"; or, "I like citrus fruits, i.e. the juicy, edible fruits with leathery, aromatic rinds of any of numerous tropical, usually thorny shrubs or trees of the genus Citrus." In the first sentence you are simply giving an instance of a citrus fruit; in the second you are giving an explanation. E.g. simply indicates an example; i.e. specifies, explains.

Most of the world relates to Acronyms better

CIA for Certifiably Insane Assassins
FBI for Frequently Bewildered Investigators
OPP for Overpass Parked Patrol-car

So E.G. and Lb really mess people up unless they are just accepted.

It’s not like we invented the terms now is it?

Team Canada

TEAM CANADA
By John Ross Harvey

We have just completed the Winter Olympic Games
Torino Italy was a shining moment
For many Canadian athletes
Athletes that unlike the USA and Italy
Are not paid for Medal performances
Athletes that love what they do
Athletes that care more about others than themselves
Clara Hughes won the 5,000 M long track speed skating event
On her very last lap, and fell in exhaustion
And complete happiness
To top this off she donated $10,000 of her own money
To a charity that helps children in less developed nations
Learn how to play various sports and games
www.righttoplay.com
Several other athletes which had winnings, donated them
A few corporations donated as well
I hope any corporations reading this donate even more.
I do congratulate all the medal winners like
Cindy Klassen and her 5 medals
As well as all the top 10 finishers, many that came 4th!
24 medals is very good considering
The Men’s hockey team did not win.
Let’s hope we have just as good or better results
When it comes home to Vancouver in 2010.
Thank you Team Canada
I think I speak for all of us to say
You make us Proud to be Canadian.

Reward Programs

Originally posted Nov. 30 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

REWARD PROGRAMS
By John Ross Harvey

How many Cards do you have?
Petro Points for Petro-Canada
Esso Extra for Esso
Air Miles for many places
HBC rewards for Bay and Zellers
Rogers VIP for the Video store
What do they give you?
For every $20 you get an Air Mile
To go to Montreal I need about $5000
What do I get besides Lottery Tickets at
Esso and PetroCanada?
I sure don’t get free gas!
Honestly I think it’s an excuse to create a company
That does absolutely nothing
How many people cash in?
A few lottery tickets yes, anything else, no.
Someday other people will clue in
Better start cashing soon!

Ice Cream Trucks

Originally posted Oct. 1 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

ICE CREAM TRUCKS
By John Ross Harvey

Remember being a kid and a Popsicle was 10 cents?
The Ice Cream guy had a change belt for nickels dimes and quarters
Now everything is $2.00
The Ice cream truck used to be identifiable by its music
That same music suddenly became the knife sharpener guy
And what about that music…
Why do they play “La Cucaracha”?????????
You do know what that means?
Precisely why I avoid the ice cream truck.

Curling

CURLING
By John Ross Harvey


Nothing identifies a Canadian more than
Curling
We understand the game
We watch the game
We may even play the game
94% of the world’s curlers
Are Canadian
At this moment our Olympic Men’s team
Natives of Newfoundland
Are playing for the Gold Medal
Up 3-2 after 3 ends of play
Newfoundland has been given the day off
To watch of course
Win or lose, it’ll be a party to celebrate
Gold or worst case scenario Silver
For a bunch of rocks sliding on ice
And helped on their way by brooms
To enter the House
And be closest to the Button
The House is Rings 12’, 8’, 4’
The button is the 2’ centre
Usually with a logo
Why does this appeal to Canadians?
The Scots apparently created the sport
Many Scots emigrated to Canada
Many Scottish descendants play now
Perhaps that has something to do with it
Or maybe being able to yell is
“HURRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY!”
“HARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!!”
“WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”
“Line’s good, line’s good.”
“Nice shot.”
Or it’s like Football (read Soccer)
Low scores mean it’s a better game
1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1 Player 1
0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0 Player 2
No, I think it’s the ice
Hockey is played on ice; Hockey is Canadian
Curling is played on ice; Curling is Canadian
Just don’t put it in our drinks
We’ll have to chew it.

Movie Posters

Originally posted Sept. 22, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com


MOVIE POSTERS
By John Ross Harvey

Just once when I see a movie poster
I’d like to see the correct person under his or her own name
Every poster I’ve seen with 3 people on it
Has 2 of them with the names switched
Most recently advertising its new DVD was Sahara
Steve Zahn’s name was above Penelope Cruz
Penelope’s name was above Steve, or was it Steve, who is Steve?
Batman was Jack Nicholson’s name above Michael Keaton
Pierce Brosnan’s name may have been above Halle Berry in their Bond flick
Actor status should not dictate the banner
The picture should
But then we’re asking salespeople to design
They don’t get commission for that

Magnetic Field

Originally posted June 30, 1995 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

MAGNETIC FIELD
By John Ross Harvey

You all know about magnetism.
North poles, south poles, the earth is magnetic,
Compasses point North
Opposites attract, likes repell, the whole schpiel.
Love is usually equated to magnetism.
At a sub-atomic level this may be true, considering
Much of what we digest contains metal properties,
Iron, MAGNESIUM, etc. etc.
On the Tv show LOST, it’s been theorized that the island
Is overly magnetic, and may be in synch with brain waves
Hence creating whatever one thinks.
It was speculated when the compass was several degrees off of North.
I happen to have the same effect on compasses.
North points to me, at least in my left hand.
I have to wear watches on my belt, as my hand destroys them over time.
They lose seconds, minutes, and eventually hours, if I forget to check.
There’s a comic book of mutants called the X-men.
Perhaps you’ve seen the movies, the arch-villain is Magneto.
Magneto has harnessed magnetic powers that allow him to fly, and
Destroy anything slightly metallic, like gates, or cars.
I haven’t quite mastered this ability; I’m still working on a spoon.
Just feed me more steak and I’ll get there.

Vocabulary

VOCABULARY
By John Ross Harvey

Vocabulary has many meanings
In this day and age
It can mean how frequent you swear
“That man has quite the Vocabulary.”
It could identify your intelligence
“My, what a splendid Vocabulary from that man!”
Or perhaps lack of it
“Such a limited Vocabulary that one has!”
But I’d like to know why
Torontonian drivers have a problem
With four simple words?
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
Apparently, the four hardest words in their Vocabulary.
Let’s do Intersections For Dummies:
If you can’t cross it, don’t block it; stop being a blockhead!
If you block an intersection, you’re brain does not function!
Green does not mean go,
It means Proceed if way is clear
If it’s not clear, you DO NOT PROCEED!
That’s a Vocabulary lesson
Has yours improved?

Crowds

Originally posted July 20, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

CROWDS
By John Ross Harvey

I recently attended a large free outdoor concert.
It was not Live8, it was Canada Day Jam 3.
Supposedly without any method of counting the crowds visible,
An announcer said there were 70,000 to 100,000 people there.
How can they know?
And when a crowd is that big,
Why do you see the same 10 people all the time?
Molson Indy, concerts, plays, large crowds, 10 people you keep seeing.
Why is that?
I think clones actually do exist!

Backgammon

Originally posted Aug. 1 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

BACKGAMMON
By John Ross Harvey

My wife and I watched LOST one night and saw Backgammon
She remembers playing it as a kid and wants to learn it again
I bought it for Christmas for her, and we’ve been playing.
My son and daughter have also picked up the game and play well.
Often beating us more than not.
However we mostly play one another while watching TV at night.
She plays much better as white, and I play much better as brown.
If you’re familiar with the game, the object is to jump places and get home.
You have 15 pieces to move, from 4 different start points.
You cannot remove pieces until they are in home field or last 6 spaces.
You can slow your opponent if you land on single pieces
Forcing them to start on your home field
They can do the same to you also.
Each number rolled on two dice is a move.
Rolling doubles gives you four moves instead of 2.
Once in home field any rolled number higher than your last piece will remove it.
So it’s advantageous to have your pieces as close to 1 as possible
So higher rolls will still remove your pieces.
The dilemma being, no matter how many matches I lose every night
I still win best of 7, almost every time.
I’ll be down 3-0 and win 4-3.
It’s all luck of the roll of the dice, but why does my luck make comebacks.
Is a win not a win unless it’s from behind?
That’s how races should be.
Cheer for the guy at the back charging through.
It’s a shame my wife doesn’t see it this way.

Fire Lanes

FIRE LANES
By John Ross Harvey

It should be common knowledge
To know how to read
Especially signs like
“TOW AWAY ZONE” or
“FIRE LANE”
$750 fine for parking in these areas.
But, no, idiots still ignore signs
And park in front of the door
To the grocery store
When 100 other open spaces
Are available to park in.
Woodbridge Dominion shoppers take note!
This is 100% Ignorance
It is 100% Arrogance
It is 100% Stupidity
300% x $750 is $2250
Fork it over
DO NOT PARK IN FIRE LANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Learn to read
Prevent Stupidity Today

Business Cards

Originally posted October 22, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

BUSINESS CARDS
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody wants a status symbol
To many this is a car
To others it is a house
To many women it is expensive jewelry or furs
To many men it may be a name brand watch like Rolex
To all the Fast & Furious fans it’s a myriad of add-ons to their car
Like skirts, handles, wings, and Pink taillights
To me it’s Business Cards
Why you ask?
Several different companies have employed me
But not until this past July did I ever have a Business Card
And I don’t mean a generic one you write your name on
I mean one where your name is printed
8 years to earn a business card at this employer
And 10 years at 4 other business operations before that
18 years to earn a business card
I’ve owned a house for 5, and driven many cars for 23 years
I’ve had a fake Rolex before
But I’ve finally achieved the ultimate status
Business Cards

P.S. Now that we changed the phones, the phone number is wrong.

Bad Commercials

BAD COMMERICALS
By John Ross Harvey

The latest yoghurt commercial
“ASK YOUR MOUTH”
Is the most annoying ever made
Why would we want to buy a product
Where some guy goes nuts in a grocery store
With his voice on Helium?
I don’t!
That commercial makes me leave the room.
Please don’t make commercials that bad.
I have enough Migraines.

Great Commercials

GREAT COMMERCIALS
By John Ross Harvey

Remember when a commercial was better than TV?
Many years ago as a youth
I looked forward to Bartles & James commercials
Two old guys on a porch
Describing their wine cooler
In a monotone delivery
They were priceless.
Now my kids have the same reaction
To the new Bell commercials
With Frank & Gordon; the Beavers.
They will run to the TV
Just to see Frank & Gordon
I think if they start to market
Some Frank & Gordon toys
Bell could make a killing on sales from these.
My kids would love them.
Do Yours?

Greatest Invention

Originally posted July 31, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

GREATEST INVENTION
By John Ross Harvey

This may be cause for debate
But honestly what is the greatest invention?
The car gets you from A to B in comfort.
The home, gives you shelter in comfort.
The TV lets you relax in the home.
The radio lets you relax in the car.
In the summer heat none of that matters,
Without Air Conditioning.
Can you enjoy the radio in your car if you’re sweating bullets?
Can you enjoy the Tv if your back is glued to the couch by perspiration?
No
Relaxation in the summer requires air conditioning.
So arguably this is the best invention ever made.
Computer geeks will say the PC is the greatest.
Internet gurus will say the phone/cable networks are the greatest.
Teenage girls will insist on the telephone as the greatest
Real men will insist on the Barbeque as the greatest invention
After all, grilling is a wonderful thing, and it doesn’t require electricity.
Some will say electricity is the best invention, until the power goes out.
But back to the point
The best invention ever is the air conditioner.
If it didn’t exist we’d all suffer from heat exhaustion.
I guess that’s how we got hooked on alcohol.

P.S. after visiting Alexander Graham Bell Museum, he may have invented it, at least his version of air conditioning.

Advanced Technology

Originally posted Sept. 24 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY
By John Ross Harvey

My favourite author Arthur C. Clarke has said the following:
“Any significantly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”
Think about that.
If you were a boy in the 1960’s and
You saw a man with a laptop and a cell phone
You would wonder where the wires were
And how a Tv screen, with colour even, could fold
Phones in those days were several pounds, not ounces
A computer was not in the home
Those things we take for granted now would be Magic to him
If you went into Medieval England with a gun
They would wonder how you could possess such a small canon.
That would be Magic to them.
If someone from the future beamed down a la Star Trek
You’d shake your head and check if you were dreaming, but
You would liken the technology to Magic
A floppy disk from the 80’s was a 5 ¼” square and indeed floppy
720 KB to 1.44 MB
Apple created the 3 ½” floppy which was solid, same sizes in Mb
Did we call it solid? No we called it floppy.
Later we had Zip drives and Zip disks holding 100 to 250 MB
Those became obsolete when Cd’s could be Burned
How did copying become Burning?
Cd’s range from 600Mb to 800Mb generally and are cheap.
Why does technology in the computer industry drop in price?
Why does all other technology or products increase in price?
Those that increase in price are supposed to last longer.
The dropping prices of computer technology is because
Everything is obsolete within 6 months.
So it better be cheaper or you won’t upgrade
Microsoft unfortunately doesn’t abide by this concept
Neither does AutoCad by Autodesk
Essentially being a monopoly in their respective fields
They ignore the consumer demand for lower prices
As they own too much of the market to care.
This writing has now suffered from the Broken Telephone
No Magic can prevent that.

Men Never Win

MEN NEVER WIN
By John Ross Harvey

Face it
Once a man is with a woman
He may never win again
Sure, you may win an argument or two
But she will be mad or crying, and that’s not fun.
If she can’t reach it and you can, she hates you
Even if she asked you to reach it!
If she can’t open it and you can, she swears
Even though she asked you to do it
If you watch the Discovery channel
And understand all the sci-fi stuff
She’ll just say “How do they know?”
If you forget certain days
Like Valentine’s
You’re in big trouble.
Just accept what fate dealt you.
Because you still love her
Even if she punches you
When you can reach that item
That she asked you to get.

Red Lights

Originally posted Oct. 12, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com

RED LIGHTS
By John Ross Harvey

If you’re going straight, you should stop for these.
If it’s the vehicle in front, you should brake
If you’re turning left, don’t go unless you’re already in the intersection
Never turn left without being in the intersection on a Red Light.
You’d be surprised how many Torontonians think they can
Follow the guy in the intersection, when they are not.
Apparently brains and logic do not reside with them.
These are the same people that Follow on Stop signs
Tailgating is their life
How many tailgaters do you consider as a friend?
You don’t obviously.
If you were driving behind your friend would you do that?
Then there are wide intersections
You turn left on green and face a red light
If you actually think about this, it’s perfectly normal
If you panic and stop, you aren’t thinking straight.
The intersection near my workplace is like this
So many motorists stop and wonder why they’re honked at.
And yes, accidents do occur there.
The common misconception is that Red is the only Stop Light.
Let’s just consider this for a moment.
Red means traffic is traveling across your direction, so stopping is required.
Yellow or Amber means you should prepare to Stop by slowing down.
Green does not mean Go.
Green means Proceed if the way is clear.
If someone is running the red, do you go?
No
If the intersection is blocked, do you go?
No
So, all three lights may require you to Stop.
You’d be surprised how much better traffic flows if you do.
Blocking intersections prevents traffic flow
Stopping and creating a gap allows traffic flow
Its really just Logic
Too many are unable to understand logic
But I’m a Bilingual Vulcan