Proof That Hell is Frozen

PROOF THAT HELL IS FROZEN
By John Ross Harvey


1. What do you hate more, freezing temperature? Or a suntan? Proof 1
2. What do you hate more snow storms? Or rainstorms? Proof 2
3. What is the world’s most incurable disease? A COLD! Proof 3
4. Where is life mostly uninhabitable? Antarctica! Proof 4
5. Which is heavier, a winter boot? Or a running shoe? Proof 5
6. Snowball’s Chance In Hell? Pretty damned good actually. Proof 6
7. Three Forces of Evil: (read the blog) Proof 7

Feel free to deny these observations to prove your inability to grasp reality.

Nom de Plume

I've been doing research on how many authors have used
Or do use a Nom de Plume (Pen name for the American's)
Most notables are Steven King as Richard Bachman
And Nora Roberts as J.D. Robb

They already had success though. The other names for
slightly different book genres.

An obvious reason to change a name to pen name
Is that another author already has your name
John Harvey is a crime author with over 30 books, and sells in the millions
John Ross Harvey has only 5 books currently sells in the under 100s

One site I read suggested 2 syllable first name, and 1 syllable last name
kind of like Steven King and J.D. Robb, go figure.

If selling horror fiction, use a K for the last name
To be placed near King and Koontz

Romance authors should sound more female or at least
Less gender specific

Danielle Steele, theres that 2 and 1 syllable combination again

So I narrowed down some choices, from many to just two.

First is names from my jobs and residences during my lifetime
Second is a nearby town and something noone uses anymore
(Though it is a famous actor/director/writer's last name by sound
And a famous sci-fi fantasy novelist exactly)

Here they are:

1. Wentworth Vaughan
2. Markham Wells

Intelligent suggestions are welcome, idiotic ridicule by simpletons are not.

Leaning towards option 1.

This would be for further fiction efforts like crime novels, sci-fi, suspense,
Or any other genre I can write.

With luck it could get a reputable publisher to sign them.
Then it will need Twitter, facebook, email address, webpage,
And all other media visibility to help sales along.

STRIKES

STRIKES

By John Ross Harvey

The Toronto civil service strike has been around for a few weeks now
Mostly know the world over on CNN as Toronto's garbage strike
Which is mostly true as that service is part of the union
That also includes daycare facilities
Not that people's children not being cared for ever makes the news
Ferries to the island were also affected
Thankfully some people have created island access in the interim
Or everyone living there would suffer dearly
Garbage in the parks, not a brilliant system
But what choice have they when strikers block the dumps
Why is city employing garbage workers, or sanitation engineers?
Almost every other city around contracts it out.
Could be Miller or Laidlaw or Wasteco, they have many to choose from
So why wouldn't they simply fire them all and contract out?
And then pay the rest of the people not crippling our city that are not
Striking as garbage workers
Garbage is an essential service, our health and well being are greatly affected
Garbage should never be allowed to discontinue
Unions are to blame
Unions demand more than the average working class
I've never been in a union, the company I work for does not hire union workers
Toyota does not hire CAW, who had better quality workmanship?
Toyota does
Now VIA rail is on strike
Maybe that's a godsend to commuters as now they cannot
Commute into the smelly city anymore.
If I get a million book buyers from the links to the left
I'll donate half of it to ALS charity
That's certainly more productive than a garbage worker union strike

A Week of Sorrow

We lost 3 great entertainment icons this week.

Everyone's favourite sidekick Ed McMahon

Every boys first crush Farrah Fawcett

And Every girl's favourite singer Michael Jackson.

The last 2 just hours apart on the same day.

Where did you hear it?

It was on Twitter for me?

Is this how we'll get all of news from now on?

What do you remember of their careers?

Ed was a staple with Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show

Farrah was the reason Charlie's Angels were the #1 TV show in the day

Michael sold more records than anyone else on earth, before or after

100 million alone from Thriller internationally

I want to remember them positively

They did have negative publicity before their deaths

I don't wish to bring that up

Respect the dead

Remember what they did in life that made yours better

Laughs, Love, Music

R.I.P. Ed, Farrah and Michael you are missed.

Rim Jim and the Hamilton Blackberries

RIM JIM AND THE HAMILTON BLACKBERRIES
By John Ross Harvey

So a Phoenix judge, Mr. R.T. Baum decided to not decide.
Jim Balsille still wants to buy the team and move it.
Gary Bettman wants to continue shoeing a dead horse.
Fact: Phoenix is a dead market for hockey
Fact: The team is in crushing debt to many parties
Fiction: Bettman has local people willing to keep team in town.
Fiction: We believe Gary Bettman
Fact: President Obama loves his Blackberry
Fiction: Gary Bettman likes his Blackberry
Fact: Jim Balsille wants a team in Hamilton
Fact: Hamilton will fill the seats
Fact: Toronto will not suffer from a Hamilton team
Fiction: Toronto will suffer from a Hamilton team
Fact: Buffalo is further away than 1 hr
Fiction: Buffalo will suffer from a Hamilton team
Fact: Canadian, and specifically Ontario fans...HATE BUFFALO NOW!
Fact: We don't buy their seats unless its our team crushing them.
Fiction: Ontario hockey fans fill Buffalo arena seats.
Fact: Jim Balsille will keep trying to get a team
Fiction: Gary Bettman will stop him forever.
Fact: Some people are sick of Jim Balsille and his efforts to buy a team
Fact: More people are sick of Gary Bettman not wanting him to.
Fiction: Jim Balsille is stupid.
Fact: Gary Bettman redefines stupid.

Copyrighting

COPYRIGHTING
By John Ross Harvey

Seems pretty simple, create something, copyright it.
It’s yours, noone else can have it.
Like the phone.
Bell made it; noone else had it for a long time.
Now, everyone makes phones, mostly cell phones.
Quebec tried to copyright the Question mark.
Yup, you read that right.
They used it for their Information Booths, and
an Independent Store put up a Question Mark.
Obviously a Question Mark is public domain
That’s like saying you’ve copyrighted the number 1
Not possible, practical, or reasonable.
So why is Lindt Sprungli Chocolate trying to copyright
A Chocolate Bunny?
Several if not all Chocolate companies have made
Chocolate Bunnies for years, for Easter.
I’m certain I’ve eaten several of the competitions'
And far less of Lindt’s.
So how can any court reasonably suggest that
Lindt has a copyright on a Chocolate Bunny,
or even a Gold Foil wrapped Bunny.
I ask you. Is that not the most ridiculous copyright claim ever?
I will now copyright every word in this document
to prevent anyone from ever repeating what I just wrote, so noone can ever
write these words ever again.
See how ridiculous that is?
Chocolate Bunnies? What’s Next, the Moon?

Email Spammers

EMAIL SPAMMERS
By John Ross Harvey


I’ve had probably 4 Russian wives per day
12 Singles that want to meet me weekly
42 Viagra pills real cheap a month
6 Nigerian dictators a month
12 Google money laundering scams a week
6 Importing companies a month
And this doesn’t count the people I don’t know
That want to follow me on Twitter
If we have no communication beforehand, then
You don’t get to follow me.
That’s just my personal email
It’s almost doubled with work’s email
Does it make sense that I’m reading
SPANISH FLY by William Ferguson
It’s about the dirty thirties and seasoned hustlers
Always out to make a quick buck
By convincing others to part with their money
On the chance of winning big
In games like 3 card Monte
Perhaps it does.
Scammers are often also Scum.

My American Idol Song

MY AMERICAN IDOL SONG
By John Ross Harvey

Don’t give me a ballad
Don’t sing me a thank you
Don’t write something schmaltzy
Give me a rocking tune
Even if its country

I cannot take the endless Idol songs
All about you got me here
Thanks for making me great
I want to hear something meaty
Not something to make me puke my plate

Rockers want to rock on
Country singers want to get you dancing
If I hear another sappy ballad
I may resemble Charles Manson

We want to hear real songs
With real emotions
Not fake songs
With overplayed notions

Let me hear a Done somebody wrong song
Then I won’t have to pull out a gong

American Idol is very predictable
Half reason why I’m leading
In the Facebook game
Of predicting

Unless Kris wins tonight and
The point values change
I’ve already won
Just like Adam


Who cares if it rhymes? The point is made.

Pontiac Bites The Dust

PONTIAC BITES THE DUST
By John Ross Harvey

General Motors is set to announce the termination of Pontiac.
Well they have so many brands to choose from
Chevy, Cadillac, Saturn, Buick, Oldsmobile, Hummer, GMC trucks and Pontiac
Why not ditch Saturn instead?
Because Saturns actually sell because they are cheap.
Why not ditch Chevy instead?
Because nothing depreciates more than a Chevy, better bang for their buck.
Why not ditch Oldsmobile?
What will Seniors drive if that happens?
Why not ditch Buick?
Didn’t they try that already?
Oh yeah Tiger Woods endorses it.
Why not ditch GMC trucks? They are identical to Chevy trucks.
Oh yeah Trucks sell.
So why not Cadillac?
Because doing so removes the only thing worth buying from GM.
So why not Hummer?
Arnold will want a Hybrid version first
So we’re left with Pontiac
Built for Drivers that cannot find a light switch.
I suppose that’s a good thing.

Bring the McLaughlin back, and ditch the rest.
Now that was a brand.
And his house is the Xavier’s school for gifted children in the X-men movies.
Can’t go wrong there.

Trademarks

TRADEMARKS
By John Ross Harvey


First off I’ll tell you the origin of Trademark
Smith Bros. Cough Drops
Brothers Trade and Mark Smith decided they needed a description
To identify their product as an original.
Hence using their own names, they created Trademark
A description used by a multitude of corporations worldwide.
All from 2 brothers in St. Armand Quebec.

But everybody has a trademark.
Something that identifies them as the original.
Michael Schumacher always said: “To be honest.”
Not that I ever thought he was, but that’s what he said.
My boss always says: “What’s your name?” Sometimes he actually says your name.
Another colleague of mine keeps saying, “At the end of the Day.”

Completely ridiculous, unintelligent egotists, claim authority on subjects they know nothing about and trademark their comments with “Full truth.”
Full of shit more likely.

Cinderella Story

CINDERELLA STORY

By John Ross Harvey

Congratulations are in order for the Brawn GP Formula 1 team.
Months ago as team Honda, they were forced to withdraw the team
due to financial reasons, however a buyer was certainly being sought.

Many like myself, expected Sir. Richard Branson to step in, after all, this is a billionaire's sport, and he is one.

Mere weeks ago, the team Engineer and manager Ross Brawn was confirmed
as the new owner, and promptly began the team as status quo, with new Mercedes engines, instead of Honda which had withdrawn from the sport.

Winter testing showed them to be very quick, and most suspected they were light, and that Ferrari and McLaren were holding back.
Suffice it to say, they were completely underestimated.

They arrived in Australia with a large fan base, which included Sir Richard Branson, who decided on race weekend that he would sponsor the team.
Last minute as the decision was, it amounted to a few stickers on the helmets and the cockpits of each car. He claimed he didn't have enough carry on for paint.

Brawn GP qualified 1-2 on the grid. Thanks to some poor thought takeover manouvres, by the drivers running 2nd and 3rd, taking each other out of contention, they finished the race 1-2 as well.

A prouder moment for these two drivers, their team principal, and their new sponsor could not possibly happen. This was a true Cinderella story.

They were going to miss the ball, got the last minute opportunity to show up, and stole the hearts of many.

Congratulations Brawn GP, Jenson Button, Rubens Barrichello, and the self described "Lucky Bastard" Sir Richard Branson.

Well done!

Pole Position Syndrome

POLE POSITION SYNDROME
By John Ross Harvey

I’m sure you’ve noticed that some individuals
Have a serious problem
With being behind anyone
Regardless of where they are going.
They will drive behind you in a right hand lane
Pull ahead of you in the left lane
And immediately turn to the right
At the next intersection or interchange.
What possible purpose does this serve?
I knew you were stupid before you did that.
Why highlight the fact?
The incessant need to be in front of the next guy
Must be Pole Position Syndrome.
I cannot function unless nobody is in front of me?
For race drivers this may be a good thing
As it helps their teams win races
But for the average motorist on the city streets
It does nothing but prove a lack of intelligence.
The world will be a better place
If the PPS infected individuals take a deep breath
And actually turn right, while still behind you.

Stupid Americans

STUPID AMERICANS
By John Ross Harvey

In the last few days we've had greedy executives steal money from the government for executive bonuses, which considering the fact it was BAILOUT money makes it all the more disgusting and dispicable. I've heard some have offered to return the money.
SOME...have OFFERED... to RETURN the money?

IT"S NOT YOUR MONEY! You shouldn't be offering, you should be returning it.
As for the bigger idiots that decided they would not return the money, send me their names and I'll publish them!

Then we have the loser at FOX, on the RED EYE.
Completely offensive, and entirely misinformed dumbass host, thinks that all the dead soldiers we've given in their country's war with Afghanistan's Taliban regime, should not be allowed to take a break from saving their dumb asses. How about we trade them for you, as see how you feel about it!

There are of course many examples of American Stupidity, but these are most noticeable currently!

Do your part and tell these clowns, to wake up, because their minds are obviously asleep!

Marketing Slogans

MARKETING SLOGANS
By John Ross Harvey

Maxwell House: “Good to the Last Drop.”
Meaning: It’ll never be great

Timex: “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
Meaning: Our parts are so big they can’t possibly be re-arranged.

Mazda: “Zoom, zoom, zoom.”
Meaning: Our marketing guys got bored.

Coca-Cola: “It’s the real thing.”
Meaning: Pepsi isn’t real

Zest: “You’re not clean until you’re Zestfully clean.”
Meaning: A non-soap with the name of an orange peel needs help

Nike: “Just do it.”
Meaning: We can’t compete with the Adidas acronym
“All Day I Dream About Sex.”

KFC: “Finger licking good.”
Meaning: We hope you like grease, we have lots.

Rice Krispies: “Snap! Crackle! Pop!”
Meaning: Rice is boring we needed some excitement

Hallmark: “When you care enough to send the very best.”
Meaning: Don’t buy other cards, especially Carlton

Walmart: “Always low prices. Always.”
Meaning: If you say it twice, maybe it’s true.

Apple (Mac): “Power to be your best.”
Meaning: Ctrl-Alt-Del is not required for a restart

Subway: “Eat fresh.”
Meaning: Don’t eat frozen burgers

Smarties: “Do you eat the red ones last?”
Meaning: Be careful red ones may contain Red Dye #5

Tim Horton’s: “Rrroll up the rim to win.”
Meaning: Fat chance you’re winning boy.

Lays: “Bet you can’t eat just one.”
Meaning: How many people are dumb enough to try

Crest: “Look, Ma, no cavities!”
Meaning: Don’t buy Colgate

Schlitz: “The Beer that made Milwaukee famous.”
Meaning: Stop buying cheap Old Milwaukee

Purina: “All you add is love.”
Meaning: It tastes like dirt the poor dog needs something

York Peppermint: “Get the sensation.”
Meaning: We can’t compete with chocolate bars

Esso: “Put a Tiger in your tank.”
Meaning: We will continue to sue Frosted Flakes

Campbell’s: “Mm, mm good.”
Meaning: Stop buying Lipton’s

Whisk: “Ring around the collar.”
Meaning: Annoying works

Tab: “How can one calorie taste so good?”
Meaning: We lucked out with this experiment

Yellow Pages: “Let your fingers do the walking.”
Meaning: We thought that up during the dial phone era.

Nice & Easy: “Does she or doesn’t she?”
Meaning: Clairol is more colourful than us.

USA Election 2008

USA ELECTION 2008
By John Ross Harvey

Americans head to the polls today
Maybe about 24% of them
If we’re lucky
Of that 24% they will probably vote mostly for one party
Yet their vote is insignificant
Because they only count
Electoral college votes
Some moneybags with a priority over a common citizen
With the privilege of deciding their country’s fate
Regardless of what everyone else voted.
This system makes no sense, should be abolished
And quite frankly kept Bush in power for 8 years
Canadians wouldn’t have kept him
Why do 25 people in California decide for millions?
There is no logic to that.

12:32 pm Eastern time I declare Obama to win.

Real or Unreal

REAL OR UNREAL
By John Ross Harvey

I just read this news article:

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/081023/koddities/japan_avatar_murder

Ok they play a virtual game based on their real life persona
But if this woman gets charged for killing a digital playmate
How many children will be charged for letting Mario Fall?
Or sending Sonic on a never-ending scream
Never mind the 30 something’s that grew up with Doom and Duke Nukem
All the 20 something’s playing Grand Theft Auto games
I know I’ve killed plenty of digital characters in Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Captain Falcon rules.

The world as we know it will change forever if this woman is charged with killing some binary data in video game.

Public Washrooms

PUBLIC WASHROOMS
By John Ross Harvey

It never ceases to amaze me
That every men’s washroom in a public place
Be it a Wal-Mart, McDonald’s, or even a Keg
Has had a sorry individual spend time
In a toilet stall
Specifically to
Pee all over the damn seat
Apparently this individual has never
Had to do a #2
Clearly if peeing was no longer an option
The public toilet seats might
Actually be clean
But as we all know
That aint going to happen
The seat pissers of the world
Outnumber those with actual intelligence
So they need a name
Seat pissers is too literal
They need a name synonymous with scum
They are the Scumbuckets
No name matches that for pure disrespect
No name symbolizes purer hatred and stupidity
Yes all the seat pissers of the world
Are the lowest scum on the planet
It requires more brain cells than they possess.
Raise your I.Q.
Find the bowl
If you miss
Clean it up
We aren't your maid
You obviously can't afford one
Or they'd have killed you by now.

Perpetual Motion

PERPETUAL MOTION
By John Ross Harvey

The problem with combustion engines
Is they have intake and exhaust
Electrics require batteries
No movement when fuel burns with combustion
No movement when batteries drain on electrics
So how can you improve on this?
Make something that intakes and exhausts the same product!
What could that possibly be?
Not water, water produces steam as exhaust
Not hydrogen, hydrogen produces water as exhaust
Obviously not gasoline
We know electric cannot store infinitely on batteries
So what’s left?
AIR!
Run an engine that intakes and exhausts itself with air
Pure Nitrogen, Oxygen based ordinary earth air
Not compressed air in a hose
(This has been done, Tata got the contract.)
The engine will emulate what a certain submarine movie called
A caterpillar drive
Once in motion, it can maintain motion, and stay silent
Problem is getting into motion
A jumpstart is still required
So come on engineering students of the world.
Build me a car that runs on earth base air, and doesn’t need a push.
No more $1.26.9 gas prices
Just drive in the open air.
It can be done.
I want credit for the idea though.

Corporate Ladder

CORPORATE LADDER
(FINANCIAL BIGWIG BUYOUT BY BUSH)
By John Ross Harvey

The higher up the chain you are
The more money you make
And the less you have to spend
You get expenses paid for
Trips, meals, car repairs, gasoline
The lower you are
The less you make
The more you spend
And owe
It’s an unending vicious cycle
So what if a giant lending firm is in trouble
Bleed it out of the execs that live off it
They’ve never paid for anything
Why should we keep paying them?
I have no sympathy for them
They are all millionaires or billionaires
My thousands barely last a day past a pay cheque.
Mortgage, groceries, gasoline, VISA
Taxes on top of everything
Billionaire execs write everything off
They get to keep their money
Why should I bail them out?
They can start to feel like us
Helpless
There is only one solution to
The global financial crisis
I may be the only one with the correct answer
To know, you must buy my book
World Peace – A Novel
Until you understand I’m right
We will continue to suffer in debt for eternity.

GAS PRICE LANGUAGE

GAS PRICE LANGUAGE
By John Ross Harvey

Surplus Oil: Gas prices rise to prevent shortage
Oil Shortage: Gas prices rise because there is a shortage
Cold: Gas prices rise because temperature drops
Hot: Gas prices rise because temperature increases
Storms: Gas prices rise with impending threat of hurricanes
Nat. Disaster: Gas prices rise as storage facilities near hurricane regions
War: Gas prices rise due to conflicts in oil nations
Government: Gas prices rise due to tax hikes
Price War: Gas prices rise as competition strengthens
Strong $: Weakening US dollar forces gas prices to rise
Weak $: Weakening Cdn dollar forces gas prices to rise
Incorrect
Speculation: Lawyer speak for we had no real reason to raise gas prices
But we did it anyway

Gas prices are way out of hand, it used to be 50 cents a litre was high
Now it’s approaching $1.50, and some provinces are already above that.

Legislate gas prices to be 49.9 forever
And then maybe we’ll stop complaining about the prices.

It’s bad enough we can’t afford to eat anymore, and our VISA bills are climbing sky-high
It’s not like you can walk to work for 50km, and transit is just as costly as driving these days.

Do something about it Mr. Harper, the election hounds will be waiting to show you the door if you don’t.