Being Stuck

BEING STUCK
By John Ross Harvey

Have you ever got stuck in your car?
What do you do?
I’ve always shifted into reverse to find
A piece of roadway or driveway with traction
Then low gear to go forwards again
When it doesn’t work the first time
And your wife is in the car
She just tells you:” You shouldn’t have done that.”
Ok so the whole driveway is ice
I cannot get a grip
I hop out to see a small section of gravel near the tire
So I try again
Probably 4 times until I move forward
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
Well backing up onto the main street
Which is a giant blind spot was less desirable
Than getting stuck for a few minutes
While I figured out how to enter the street Forwards
Similar thing happened in my work commute car
Coming home in the major snowstorm
Waiting for a green light at the top of an incline
To turn left
Had to use reverse again
Hit low gear to go forward and spun my tires
All the way through the intersection
I may have looked stupid
But I got out
OK so maybe All-seasons don’t work well
And I need snow tires for that
But that means I need a space in my garage
And we all know that doesn’t exist
Cars and car parts don’t fit in garages
Junk does

Marriage

MARRIAGE
By John Ross Harvey

A lot of people are married
I’m married
What happens when you’re married?
You’re never allowed to be right?
You’re sworn at when you reach things
And you become a torture victim
If my wife sees one light hair
In my eyebrows
She runs for the tweezers
And punches me for squinting
I hate having my eyebrows plucked
They hurt
She used to pull my nose hairs too
I bought an electric nose trimmer
That at least prevents half of the torture
I can never see the eyebrow hairs
That drive my wife nuts
I swear they appear for mere seconds
Before my wife has plucked them out.

EVEN MORE TRAFFIC RANTING

EVEN MORE TRAFFIC RANTING
By John Ross Harvey

I complain about traffic now
My 32 km commute should take 32 minutes
It takes 45-50 in the morning and 60 + at night
Multiply that by 2-3 for a snowfall
And you understand why traffic bugs me
In a word they are Illiterate
Whether reading a road sign or the road itself
And especially an Intersection
Motorists of Greater Toronto, and probably everywhere else
DO NOT READ!
Stop, Yield, this lane ends, right lane exits
Meaningless to these people
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
May as well be an alien language to them
It’s like a green light turns them into mindless sheep
The light is green
I have no brain
I must go on
There is nowhere to go
But the light is green
I have no choice
I cannot think for myself
I must obey the green light
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me educate you please
A red light obviously means stop, even if you’re four cars back turning left running it
An amber or yellow light means Prepare to Stop, slow down, and do not race to beat the red
You know you do
Now the hard one that nobody knows, the Green Light
It means Proceed when the way is Clear
Not GO
Proceed when the way is clear
If it’s not clear
Like a BLOCKED INTERSECTION
YOU DO NOT PROCEED!
Guaranteed somebody still doesn’t get it.

Acronyming

ACRONYMING
By John Ross Harvey

My name is John
John Only Has Name
You are the Judges
Judge Under Direct Guidance Expecting Something
Those are Acronyms
Those can be annoying
Annoying Not Necessary Oh Yeah Its Not Good
Comedy can be an acronym
Comics Only Make Everybody Desire (to) Yell
OK not a great acronym
Had to throw in an extra word
That’s why this method of comedy
Which started me on this path
Would never work
Too much reading between words
Hoping the audience is smart
Well if Foxworthy can talk about Rednecks
To a bunch of rednecks
Than the audiences are not necessarily smart
In fact the acronyms of this piece
Are so lame
I’m done writing it.

Car Packing

CAR PACKING
By John Ross Harvey

Most people have packed their cars

Trucks, minivans, smart cars whatever
For a long or short trip
For a cousin’s birthday or Christmas or Easter
You bring stuff you hope to leave behind
And the stuff you receive is hopefully smaller
Never happens
The stuff you acquire on these trips
Be it Christmas presents or souvenirs at gift shops
Will always be bigger than what you started with
And you’ll have to repack the vehicle
In such a way
That it all fits
Without falling out
Since we go to Quebec a lot, being from Ontario
Those extra items are the cheaper beer
Not sure why but Quebec beer is $10 cheaper per case
And that’s just the 12 pack
Ontarians like the 2-4’s
A whole lot of Americans got blown away with that
6 packs are not standard issue in Canada
I know you like them, but please
That’s an appetizer
Back to the point though
We have one of those minivans
Not the extended variety
The cheaper one that isn’t
We have about a foot behind the back seat
Ok maybe slightly under two
A suitcase fits there
Or three or four
Stacked on top of one another
My wife and I get the front seats
My two kids get the middle buckets seats
On their boosters
The back seat and the space behind those is all we have
To pack with
And they will be full
And my back window will not be useful
As our stuff will be packed to obscure it
The last trip we brought toboggans because Quebec had snow
For a whole day before it rained
And the snow was gone.
Between our front seats we hook up the DVD player
Complete with headphones
So my wife and I can listen to music on the CD player
And our kids can watch Pokeman on the DVD
Probably the best car accessory ever made for a parent
Until they sing the theme song at the end
And ruin your music
Which is keeping your mind busy
About how to unpack the car at the next destination.

What Do You Drink?

WHAT DO YOU DRINK?
By John Ross Harvey

Before you go rhyming off x-number of beverages
There is already only 1 answer.
WATER!
Crazy, I must be, says you
Out of my tree perhaps
No
Coffee, that many of you drink, is really
Coffee flavoured water
Tea is better tasting water in my opinion
Juice is fruit flavoured water
Milk is biologically enhanced water
Alcohol, is fermented and flavoured water
Your body is close to 90% water
Whether that water is coffee, alcohol, or juice
Or even tea, or milk
Is entirely up to you
Gatorade is electrolyte enhanced fruit flavoured water
And so is its competition
Coke and Pepsi are carbonated water with cola flavour
Just think of all the companies
Flavouring water
And making millions at it, even billions
Makes you wish you thought of it first
Where’s a time machine when you need one?
Water
It’s all you drink.

Sports Pools

SPORTS POOLS
By John Ross Harvey

At a former employer
Formerly known as Famous Players
I played in the NFL Football pool
I knew very little about NFL then,
And probably less now
But I’d watch the weekend games
To see how I did
I once won 3 of 17 weeks
And season overall
But Jim Kelly of Buffalo got injured
And I changed my playoff picks
Which would have won me the Playoffs too!
But I changed it so I didn’t.
When bowling I played a playoff hockey pool
Which was actually a Legion pool
Picked the right two teams and the right final game score
When Colorado won the Cup
Won about $500
I’ve now entered a playoff NBA pool
I hate basketball
Know very little about who’s good or not
And made my picks
My colleague thinks I picked well
And could win it all.
After game 1 round
I lead the standings
Sometimes it pays to know less.
Time will tell.

Who Am I?

WHO AM I?
By John Ross Harvey


Most people want to know
Just who is this guy?
What makes him different and funny?
Why should he make me laugh?
I’ll start with being bald
Not too funny unless you look at me
I’m slightly overweight
Not funny if you’re very overweight
I have a Magnetic Field in my left hand
I can hold a compass
And North is wherever I feel like
My ancestor created the Time zones
Sir Sanford Flemming
Before you blame me for the time changes
Remember this year it was George W Bush’s fault
Isn’t that great
My family is no longer responsible for time change
Because George W. decided to change it
I’ve been white water rafting
Because my college buddies needed a big car to get there
I had a 1975 LTD
Same story for the bar after graduation
I could carry 7 people, just 6 had belts on
I’ve gone to Racing School
I passed, and was very smooth on the shifter
Today because real racing is unaffordable
I race on the internet
I’m a 10 time driver’s champion, and 10 times team champion
Some of them together
My ability to push a slider bar is unmatched
Except for the 580 people better than me
At least the way the world rankings are calculated.
If being a Magnetic Internet Racing Driver with
A relation to the time zones isn’t weird enough to be funny
You need to get out more.

Dreams

DREAMS
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody has dreams right?
You’ve done everything
And been everything you’ve ever wanted
I’ve been an astronaut
A formula one race driver
A politician,
Wait that was a nightmare
I’ve been a stand-up comic in my dreams
Imagine that
A father in his forties
Single income, two children, outstanding mortgage
SITCOM
Isn’t that a prerequisite?
All sitcoms are by stand-up comics
Bill Cosby
Steve Harvey
I really don’t think we’re related, but he is funny
Ray Romano
Paul Reiser
No he only had one child in his show
So it then cancelled over money
SITCOM after the fact
My son’s new favourite channel is Family
A whole lot of sitcoms
8 Simple Rules
That’s so Raven
And his favourite
Smart Guy
Where a 10 year old teaches everyone else about life
Isn’t that a new game show?
Foxworthy’s: Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Be very thankful Smart Guy isn’t on that
These contestants might actually win the million!

Personal Networking

PERSONAL NETWORKING
By John Ross Harvey

In the old days;
Before Emails, Blackberrys and Myspace
Networking was done in person
You know this guy who knows, 4 other guys
Those 4 other guys know 16 more
And so on, and so on
Just like that old shampoo commercial
Today though
We do have emails, Blackberrys, Myspace, and Facebook
Unless you’re at the bottom of the corporate, or social ladder
The old way pretty much limited you locally
Today networking can span the globe
By using the Internet network
Sadly this has yet to offer me a well paying job
The old way did,
Except for the well paid part.
Sometimes new isn’t always better
Certainly true for a Chevy.

America Got It Right

AMERICA GOT IT RIGHT!
By John Ross Harvey

Two nights in a row
American voters for
AMERICAN IDOL and
DANCING WITH THE STARS
Finally voted the right person off
SANJAYA MALACHAR is finally gone
After hurting our ear drums for weeks beyond
His realistic departure
His “fans” which were VFTW and Howard Stern
Finally got outvoted
As always, the departure song always sounds better
Perhaps because of the relief we never have to see him again
Or he’s just been stressed out,
And finally lost his nervousness.
Though many others that fell victim to Sanjaya madness
Are not there either
The ones left behind are all better anyway.
As for Dancing With The Stars
Clyde the Glide Drexler, aka the Walking Dancer
Has finally glided off the stage.
No offense to Clyde, but Carrie-Ann was right
You’re a great human being
A great basketball player
But a dancer was beyond your ability
And I loved the speech
We still like Clyde, he just can’t dance well.

Turning Properly

TURNING PROPERLY
By John Ross Harvey

For some strange reason
Many motorists on our streets
Don’t know the lane they should enter
When making a turn
If you turn LEFT, you get the LEFT lane
Not the RIGHT lane
The LEFT lane
When you turn RIGHT, you get the RIGHT lane
Not the LEFT lane
The RIGHT lane
The RIGHT lane is not always the CORRECT lane
If two cars come head on
One wants left, and the other right
IT CAN BE DONE
You do not have to wait for the other guy
KNOW THE LANE YOU GET!
Left gets Left, Right gets Right
But since you can’t seem to grasp this
You just hit each other.
I hope your insurance doubles.
Now when turning from a large intersection
The light you face turning will be Red
It will not be Green
You don’t need to stop
You are inside the intersection
The light is for the guy Outside of it.
Lakeshore and Sherbourne has this problem
People stop halfway because the light is Red.
Of course it is, you turned left on a Green
It should be RED!

P.S.

A portion of todays post could be heard on Wednesday Whine Cellar at www.country953.com

Curling - Canada's Real Sport

CURLING-CANADA’S REAL SPORT
By John Ross Harvey

Most non-Canadians think Hockey is our national sport
Certain people feel Lacrosse is our national sport
That may be so
But Curling is our real sport
You can’t get body-checked in curling
There is ice, but no skates are needed
They do throw rocks at houses
But that’s not a bad thing
You can draw, or hit
You can even guard
But very much like horseshoes or golf
Closest to the pin, or in this case button,
Wins
Button wins!
No, that was the Hungarian F1 GP in 2006
In no other sport
Do you have a beverage with the opponent
And enjoy it
And in Curling, the winner buys.
So losing isn’t such a bad thing.
Headgear is not required
Unless you are a Contestant on the Amazing Race
But you can put on a helmet for fun
Where else can you meet between the sheets?

Stuffing a Beanbag Chair

STUFFING A BEANBAG CHAIR
By John Ross Harvey

First of all there are no beans in a beanbag chair
At least not the one I was filling
It used to have Styrofoam pellets, which got crushed and lost form
So we bought a bag of new foam pellets
To re-fill it with.
The chair is a child size armchair with Winnie the Pooh on it.
Pouring the pellets was an adventure to say the least
But that wasn’t the funny part
The pellets come complete with a pile of
STATIC ELECTRICITY!
Yes folks, pellets coated my arms and fingers back to front
And wouldn’t come off
I was, at least from the elbows down
The Giant Marshmallow Man
It’s a good thing Static Guard works
Because otherwise I’m not sure how
I could explain my new complexion.

What Can I Make Funny?

WHAT CAN I MAKE FUNNY?
By John Ross Harvey

People that do stand-up
Make fun of themselves
Foxworthy is a Redneck
Albeit slightly smarter than the ones he makes fun of.
Engvall probably had a sign, a few times
Larry probably had difficulty in getting done
Carlin is probably not a big fan of baseball
Letterman needs top 10s
And Conan has funny hair
What can I make funny?
Motorists
Nothing defines the stupidity of motorists like Weather does
If it rains, their ability to find a light switch is non-existent
If it snows their ability to use a snowbrush is beyond comprehension
If it frosts, an ice scraper is the furthest thing from their minds
If it’s fog, they’re probably driving a grey car
Lights On in the Rain!
Prove you actually have a Brain!
A person’s Inability to clear snow is equaled by their lack of Intelligence!
Defrosters are not quick enough, you can’t see behind those bars!
The road is grey, the fog is grey, and your car is Invisible!
You know the Mini-tire?
The wheel barely bigger than a dinky toy you get instead of a real tire.
It says do not travel in excess of 80 km/h (50 mph)
Obviously people that put them on cannot read
I’ve seen more Mini tires on major highways than I’ve seen real Minis.
Apparently there are people incapable of reading a drawing
Most road signs are really drawings
You know it’s two lanes now, but one becomes a triangle
Rectangular cars don’t fit into triangles
You’d be amazed how many people don’t realize this
Until the triangle happens
There are other road signs that indicate highway exits
Main Street 500m on with a right arrow
Guaranteed someone 3 lanes to the left needs to turn at Main Street
And they’ll use 499 m before doing so.
In the city they have a useful sign
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
Apparently these are the 4 hardest words of the English language
Besides myself, nobody can read them!
Let me explain what the traffic lights mean
Red is obvious you stop, even if your 4 cars back turning left against the advance
Flashing red means you must yield to opposing traffic.
Yellow (Amber) is Prepare to Stop, not speed up to beat the red.
If you can stop, you do stop.
Flashing Amber means opposing traffic must yield to you, but don’t expect them to.
Green does not mean Go.
What does it mean then?
Proceed when way is Clear, if it’s not clear, you Stop!
Flashing green, or green with an arrow, is an advanced light.
These are the ones you cannot go on
Because some guy four cars back turning left on a red prevents you from doing so.

Blogger to Comic?

BLOGGER TO COMIC?
By John Ross Harvey

Like many potential comics
I’m a writer
I do the Blog thing
But with millions of blogs
Who knows who’s reading?
What is comedy?
Life experiences mostly.
Absolutely anything can become funny.
Traffic commuting is a great source for me
Where else can a little bit of bad weather
Identify smart people from stupid ones?
Grey Car, Grey Road, Grey Sky, No Lights, NO SEE!
I’d bet 95% of accidents are grey cars.
Or when traveling at night
Black Car, Black Road, Black Sky
No Lights at Night, No Brain in Sight!
Or better yet when it snows
White Cars, White Roads, White Sky
If they knew what a Snowbrush did
They might actually be another colour!
You know when is the best time for me to drive is?
Horrific Torrential Rain
Even the stupid people stop and wait.
Then I can have the road to myself
And guaranteed not to be annoyed by stupidity.
I bet you don’t even know what the traffic lights mean.
Red is quite obvious, you stop.
Yellow does not mean, speed up so I miss the red
It means prepare to stop
And if you can’t make it past the light, it means stop.
Green does not mean Go
Why do I say that?
Because I’m right
It means Proceed when the way is Clear
If you cannot proceed, it means stop.
So we have 3 traffic lights that all mean stop
No wonder we have traffic congestion

Drive By Education

DRIVE BY EDUCATION
By John Ross Harvey

You all know about road rage
But I try to improve on its methods
I give “Drive By Education”
What is that, you say?
If I see someone driving in an unsafe manner
I roll down my window
“Hey! Its dark outside, put you’re lights on Moron!”
In the winter I have a rough time
As the majority of people cannot drive safely
They are what I call the Three Forces Of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks
Defroster Dunces and
The Wipers Only Brigade
It amazes me the level of intelligence you must need
To figure out how to use a snowbrush
No, it’s hop in and go for them.
Then you have Arrogant Parkers
You know the type
I’ll just park at the front door and go shopping.
IT’S A FIRE LANE!!!!!
Perhaps this will feel more important to you
When a Fire-truck runs over your car!
There are two more types of motorists that annoy me
I call them motorists as driver is beyond their ability
That would require actual intelligence
No these guys Block Intersections
“Oh, the light is green, I must go…….”
NOWHERE!
Anyone with eyeballs and a brain can Stop at a green light.
If you can’t cross it, don’t block it, Blockhead!
Then when you stop, because you’re smarter than them
The idiot behind you honks his horn
That’s a genuine indication, that the guy is brainless.
But worse than them
Hard as that may be
Are what I call Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putzes
Morons that drive in curb lanes between cars
In attempts to get ahead of you.
Here’s a clue people
Nobody parks in the Left Lane!
If you cannot see a Parked car ahead
Who allowed you to drive?

Computer Dependancy

COMPUTER DEPENDANCY
By John Ross Harvey

What would you do today
Without a Computer?
Computers read your bank cards or credit cards
At grocery stores, gas pumps, and even banks.
You spend 8 hours a day typing and mouse clicking
On a computer at work
When you take your car for service, they plug in a computer
Behind the counter at McDonald’s might be a computer
Except they still look like 14 year old students.
Computer rooms operate your TV cable service
And your cell phone network
So what would you do without a computer?
Pretty much nothing.

Slave to Technology

SLAVE TO TECHNOLOGY
By John Ross Harvey

There are things I do today
That I thought were quite stupid a few years ago
Using a cell phone while shopping
Your wife gives you a list
The store doesn’t have an item or two
So you call her on the cell phone.
Simple really
“What do you want? They don’t have Spaghetti sauce.”
But a few years ago
I would not use a cell phone
And I would laugh at people
Standing in the chips aisle
“You want Ruffles or Doritos?”
I’d think that was pretty lazy
What kind of loser would ask what to buy?
I’ve since become one of those said losers
Isn’t technology great?
Conveniently destroying our brain cells
So we need to use it more.

Country Music - Volume II

Country music –Volume II
By John Ross Harvey

I find a lot of humour in Country Music
There are of course comedians that fit the genre
Foxworthy, Engvall, Cable Guy, and Cletus T Judd
But I’m not talking about them
I’m talking about Chesney, Paisley and Keith
When they’re not singing ballads
Or in some cases Anthems
They sing about Drinking
Nothing funnier than a good drinking song
Keg in the Closet
Beer in Mexico
Beer for My Horses
I Love This Bar
And straight to the point Alcohol
A whole lot of alcohol going on in Country Music
Yet they almost never get charged with D.U.I.
At least not until they cameo on LOST
It’s almost a good thing teenagers hate Country Music
They might be taking our Beer and our Cds!

America Got It Wrong! Gina Glocksen Deserved to Win!

AMERICA-GOT IT WRONG!
GINA GLOCKSEN DESERVED TO WIN!
By John Ross Harvey

Well they’ve really done it now
The Simon worshippers will keep his 3 favourites
Lakisha, Melinda, and Jordin
The Howard Stern mentally unstable population
Will continue to promote Sanjaya, and apparently Haley.
Both are still alive.
Not on singing talent
Simply by the Howard Stern and Vote for the Worst Brigades
Gina easily sang the best two performances bar-none
These last two weeks
The supposed Rocker girl, excelled at ballads
And was phenomenally good at the Standard “SMILE”
I have officially decided to never watch this show
For the rest of this season
I really could care less who wins
Simon’s trio may be great for Motown
But the general public needs a wider range of talent
The other vote stealing individuals
Know they are extending their stay well beyond the past due date
And it’s not their fault
End the madness
Stop watching!

Choices

CHOICES
By John Ross Harvey

Choices
Most people are faced with choices in life
Usually it’s two choices
Coffee or Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla
Dinner or a Movie
Man or Woman
Single or Married
Drive or Transit
Work or Play
Funny or Not
But did you make the right choices?
Was buying a PC over a Mac really a good choice?
Was buying a Ford over a Honda really a good choice?
Audition or Not
Did I make the right choice?
Leno or Letterman
Conan or Ferguson
HGTV or the Weather Channel
Life is full of choices
Wine or Whisky
Pizza or Burgers
Diet or Not
Caffeine Free or Not
Carb Free or Not
Sugar Free or Not
Is it any wonder we’re all confused?
And wait staff wonder why menu reading takes so long.
Too many choices!
It’s more than two.

MY JOB

MY JOB
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody has a job
Every job can be funny
I’m a draftsman
What’s funny about that?
My boss calls me by my email address.
J-Harvey
So he yells “Jharvey!”
Who do I work for?
An Italian contractor
10 years without concrete shoes
I think I’m doing Ok
I work with Autocad
For people that know about it
It’s the Microsoft of the Cad industry
Upgrades are usually not useful
And cost too much
So they end up being pirated
To teach a layman how to use Autocad
Is a task in itself
There are exact coordinates using a tablet
Or relative coordinates using a mouse and keyboard
I use the latter
2, 2 is an exact coordinate of x, and y
@2<45 is a relative coordinate from a starting point
If the keyboard doesn’t shift when you type that
You’ll get 22, 45 which is an exact coordinate
Nowhere near where you wanted to be
Thankfully Autocad has a user friendly command
UNDO!