Learning To Fly

LEARNING TO FLY
By John Ross Harvey

It’s not everyday you get to see something special
Some fledgling baby Robins were in our back yard
We back on to a row of townhouses
So between our neighbours and the townhouse row
Is where the Robins were learning to fly
It suddenly made sense why the Father Robin was squawking
He was telling them to test their wings in flight
Unfortunately, they don’t earn their wings immediately
Unable to catch the eaves trough they fell to the next windowsill
We watched the 2 learning Robins hit windows and fall
And we winced each time
But then they fell and missed the windows
Both of them
Now we were worried
Soon we saw one try again
Apparently not hurt by the fall, perhaps stunned
And he fell again, ouch!
The night sky got dark and we couldn’t see them anymore
This morning one of the two stayed on the fence rail
Despite dad calling him to fly
Hopefully the other one is flying around, as I hadn’t seen it.
I’ll try to keep you posted on their progressJust felt I had to share my moment.

Truly Great Advertising

TRULY GREAT ADVERTISING
By John Ross Harvey

Truly great commercials are the kind
That makes you want to see more
Even if you’re not buying the product
Just so you can see what happens next
When I was younger
It was Bartles and James coolers
Those guys were a howl
Now recently are Solo cell phones
The main character of each commercial
Talks with one person, and gets call waiting
To talk with the next
And the cycle continues as you see the second person
Each commercial after that
Guy’s playing racquetball, calls his sister about mom’s birthday
Sister gets a call from mom as she changes the cake
Mom is vacuuming and calls her Canasta partner
Canasta partner is a plumber and gets a call from a client
Client lost his toupee down the sink and needs to call the girlfriend
Girlfriend gets a story about squirrels and a call about a clown
The party needing a clown calls the clown
The clown’s having coffee and wishing to play Shakespeare
As the girlfriend walks in the shop
I don’t know what’s next
But I want to know where it ends!!!!!

How to Drive Like a Torontonian

HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A TORONTONIAN
By John Ross Harvey

Disclaimer: Not to be attempted, not on a closed course, not by professional drivers

When making a left turn always go over to the right hand lane
This helps tick off the guy behind you
When turning right make sure you take the left lane
It’s important to piss everyone off
When making a lane change, never signal, they can read your mind
If the lineup to turn is too long, go around it,
Why wait when you can the jerk in the lead?
If you smoke, make sure you throw your butts out the window
The guys flashing their high beams and honking are jealous they don’t smoke
Never read a road sign, the lane ends whenever you feel like it
Even if it’s the shoulder
Always go on a green light, the idiots in front have to move for you
When the Intersection is blocked
Never pull over when you hear sirens
Especially at an Intersection
The firemen are trained to drive around moving cars
Always park at the front door, never look for a parking spot
Too bad if people are pissed you’re smarter than them
Always waste time in a drive-through
Change your order 6 times and leave with just a coffee
The other buggers late for work will love you for it
Always drive a grey car without lights on
Especially in the rain and fog
If you have to change your tire
The mini is ok for the highway
Don’t believe the people that bother to read it
Always re-wire your tail lights
It keeps the people guessing if your brakes work
Always wait till last moment from 3 lanes over
When exiting a highway
Never accept the big opening when you enter a highway
That small one in front of the next guy is a better spot
Chase him down if he wont let you have it
Remember everybody has to get out of your way
Honk if necessary
I’m allowed to try passing you between parked cars
You have to give way to my SUV
When the light is red
Everybody in the turning line can still go
The advance green guys can wait for us

Laugh or cry, everything listed happens, every day .
Don’t join the untrained motorists
Don’t do any of the above actions.

Over 40

OVER 40
By John Ross Harvey

Your debt-load is your age x 1000
You remember your first car had a V8
You remember Columbo
You remember the original Price Is Right girls
You remember Hee-Haw
Your hair stopped growing on your head
Your back aches
You wear sneakers, not loafers
You used to have to drive to find a Tim’s
You remember the Colonel did his own commercials
You know who the Colonel is
Your favourite bands members are over 60 or close to it
You remember celebrities used to play sports on TV, now they dance
You remember Howard Cosell
You remember TV aerials
You remember TV converters with a wire and huge buttons
You remember Black & White TV
You remember McDonald’s wasn’t a once a week choice
You remember the Buffalo Zoo
You try to forget your old

Gun Control

Comment only , not humour

GUN CONTROL
By John Ross Harvey

We’ve all heard of school shootings
Montreal
Columbine
And the others
Now Toronto
Smart quiet kid, not in gangs
Probably was bullied once too often
So they found a gun
It shouldn’t happen
Parents are supposed to raise their kids
Know what they are going through
And tell them they are loved
Somehow, somewhere
Something happened to this child
And no one helped
If they did
Acts like this could’ve been prevented
Maybe it was the school
Maybe they were bullied
Maybe their parents weren’t there for them
Something failed
Somehow they got a gun
Now we have to live with this reality
We need to prevent it from repeating
Guns should be off the streets

Nature

NATURE
By John Ross Harvey

You may not have heard of Crane-flies
But they look like giant mosquitoes
That eat grass and annoy you in your yard
So I saw one stuck in a web
On my back fence
Flying in circles in an exercise in futility
Except that it got out of the web
The stupid fly beat the spider by escaping
So it flies to another part of the fence
A robin flies in and watches
So the fly makes for flight again
And is eaten by the Robin
Sometimes it doesn’t pay to win
At least not in nature

Mars Water Discovery

MARS WATER DISCOVERY
By John Ross Harvey

Just read in the news that one of the Rovers
Has found new evidence
Of water being on Planet Mars
Not being there now
But being there before
Having uncovered Silica
Which is apparently evidence of water
But how was this discovered?
Well one of the Rovers, got its wheel stuck
So while it dragged its wheel
It found Silica under the track
That’s the beauty of NASA
It’s greatest failures become their greatest achievements
Apollo 13
And now Rover “Spirit”
If its wheel didn’t get stuck
We may still be searching
Don’t you just love the irony
Failure=Discovery
Media should have a field day on that.

If You Were Famous

IF YOU WERE FAMOUS
By John Ross Harvey

Firstly you need to stand out from a crowd in some way
Perhaps have some type of super-power
Or a ridiculous look about you
But after being recognized for whatever that was
How many talk shows are there to be interviewed by?
What will they pay you, to do so?
Or do they?
Is a one-time event worthy of an appearance fee?
I sure hope so
A Gas Station owner named Dick Assman
Was unlikely to show up on Letterman without one.
Would you have gone on Dave for free with that name?
So let’s say what you did is as weird as his name
So you are now the talk of the town, province, nation, continent etc.
What shows would you appear on?
The Big 5 Late-Nights: Letterman, Leno, Conan, Kimmel, and Ferguson
The lesser known, but just as funny, sometimes, Stewart and Daley
The daytime shows Regis & Kelly, The View, Ellen
The tabloid shows ET and Access Hollywood
The Canadian versions ET-Canada, and E-talk
Whatever show Rivers did
Then there are the Celebrity shows like
Dancing with the Stars, and
I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here
So potentially at least
Sixteen shows to charge an appearance fee for
Let’s average them at $20,000 US
For one moment in time, a potential to earn $320,000 US
And of course extend your 15 minutes of Fame
Which is a better result than winning a certain reality show
As the prize was $250,000 US
So I’m hoping this happens.
Maybe they can pay for my Passport I don’t have yet
And the airfare, and hotels, and food
And give me a new car or something
Or a house, or cottage maybe
Maybe I could be on with someone like Spielberg
Or the Director of X-men
And have a movie deal right then and there
Or with a TV producer
And be offered a sitcom or a reality show host job
It may be a big dream, but if you don’t aim high
You hit the bottom.
I wouldn’t live this moment alone though.
If I could bring someone along
These shows need musical acts
I could insist on some of my favourite
Lesser know artists to join me
And increase their fame, which they’ve worked hard for
Because that’s the kind of guy I am
Yes, I’d love the money
But If I can get someone else recognized for their talent as well
That pays better dividends in the long run.

Gas Prices

GAS PRICES
By John Ross Harvey

I know we love our vehicles, car, truck, SUV etc.
Most of us use gasoline-powered vehicles
Some use Propane, or Natural Gas
Fewer still use Electric or Hybrid gas-electric cars
Who’s happy with the price of gasoline today?
Not too many
I took a vacation on Canada’s East Coast
Gas prices ranged from 98.9 cents/litre to $1.069/litre
When I returned in Montreal it was $1.144/litre
Last year prices were averaging 75 cents/litre
Before that 65, before that 55, before that 49
This year has gone from 75-85-95-to over $1
Every oil company has an excuse for this gouging
It’s either the temperature, the demand, or the supply
It’s never, ever, their desire to fill their pockets
But clearly it is.
Does a loaf of bread change 4 times a day?
Does Milk or Pop?
Why is the oil industry allowed to fluctuate prices?
And claim no responsibility for the change?
It’s time we regulated prices to be constant.
I suggest 49.9 cents/litre forever.
If we run out of gas…
We’ll hitch a ride on an electric one.
If it’s cord is long enough.

Brain Disorder

BRAIN DISORDER
By John Ross Harvey

My sister-in-law has told me
That there is a brain disorder
Related to how people sleep at night.
It’s called RLS
Restless Leg Syndrome
You feel yourself losing consciousness
And your legs move frantically
Or just your feet
But it’s somewhat uncontrollable
I even have it when I’m just slightly tired
Like when I have very little to do at work
Or I sit in my living room chair
But I think it’s because
The Ottoman is higher
And my blood circulation is cut
Due to my legs being elevated
By the Ottoman
Aside from messing up the covers
What does this disorder mean?
Now we have proof
That I really am nuts!

How Cool is The Initial "J"? Ode to Larry Fedoruk

HOW COOL IS THE INITIAL “J”?
ODE TO LARRY FEDORUK
By John Ross Harvey

All you really need to be cool
Is to have a “J” in your name initials
RJ, TJ, PJ, BJ, or even
JP, JT, JD, and JK
AJ, CJ, DJ, now that’s cool
VJ, sounds like a golfer
MJ, Spiderman’s girlfriend, or is it his wife?
LJ, KJ, or OJ, perhaps not
JB, JC, JF, JG, JH, sounds familiar
JL, JLo, JM, I feel like having a Hotdog now
JO, JR, hey that’s me
JV could’ve been an F1 driver
Oh yeah, he already was
JZ sounds like a Rapper
So listen to a DJ playing JZ, watch a VJ, have some OJ
And tell them JR said so

Why I Rant

WHY I RANT
By John Ross Harvey

I have been ranting about bad driving
On this blog
And on-air of my favourite radios station
Country 95.3’s
Segment called Wednesday Whine Cellar
For a good long time now
There are many reasons why I do this
Let’s try to list them for you.

Driving properly is safe
Safe drivers live to see the next day
I care whether you see the next day
It may be tough love, but someone has to give it
I want you to think first
I want you to improve yourself
I want you to understand
Weather affects your safety
Light conditions affect your safety
Visibility is paramount to your safety
Driving is a courtesy not a privilege
Always signal intentions
Your children need their parents
Your afterlife can wait


So now you know
Just like Simon Cowell seems mean to singers
So they can be better singers
I seem mean to motorists
So they can become better drivers
It’s all from the heart
Your life has meaning
Don’t waste it by endangering it when you drive
Pay attention
Don’t lose the good habits
Don’t develop the bad ones.

Moments

MOMENTS
By John Ross Harvey

There are things that happen in life
Which are funny
You have to remember them
When painting our powder room red
I got paint on my head
My wife pointed at it and I said:
“Gorbachov!”
The antenna snapped off my car
After an ice storm
And the radio still works
So my car comes with a useless device
And the weather made me realize it.
Before I was married
I did a lip synching dance number
Complete with pyrotechnics on a green screen
To INXS’ New Sensation
Around the same time I went to a Portuguese wedding
And danced up a storm there
The bride informed me, that I was a celebrity in Portugal
Because I danced so madly
In her wedding video, which most of Portugal had then seen
I borrowed a movie off a friend
And slept through parts of it
I told her I liked what I saw
Which wasn’t really lying
I asked my neighbour to lend me her DaVinci Code book
She’d been trying to read it for months, but struggled
She saw me after I bought the paperback
When I was half done in 2 days
The look on her face was priceless.
Snowstorms always happen on days you need to be home early.
It only rains after you wash the car
Gas prices rise immediately before you need it.

Useless Points Programs and Contests

USELESS POINTS PROGRAMS AND CONTESTS
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody has a contest
Or a rewards program
Visa expects me to believe they’ll pay my bill
So are they going to pay at $10,000 or $10?
Tim Horton’s Rrroll up the Rrrim is usually not a winner.
I could use the Hybrid Camry or the Plasma TV
But I’m never going to get it
Then you have Gas Stations
Petro points, Esso Extra, Shell takes Air Miles
Sunoco takes CAA
Supposedly these points will be uselful to me someday
Presently I have several thousand points
Equivalent to about $10 max.
Everybody wants to think they’re getting more for their money
But are they?
How many people cash in these points?

My Alcohol Song

MY ALCOHOL SONG
By John Ross Harvey

I’m not your average comic
I’m quite above average
Above 40
Above 180 lbs
Above my maximum credit limit
Like some comics though
I like Country music
Partly attributable to my age
And partly attributable to my lifestyle
What do most popular country songs sing about?
Drinking
What adult over 40 doesn’t drink?
We have 5 o’clock somewhere
10 rounds of Jose Cuervo
Drinking Thinking
Whisky Lullaby
I Love this Bar
Beer for my Horses
And straight to the point Alcohol
And the lyrics are just as good as the drinks
If Brad Paisley hadn’t sung Alcohol
He could’ve used it as a stand-up routine
So let me try my hand at it

Smirnoff comes in Fire and Ice
Goes down smooth, tastes real nice
7% is way more than Beer
The drink I drink is a Vodka Cooler
Whisky’s smooth
Bailey’s is cool
White wine is sweet
Red wine rules

I'll keep my day job

The Right Side Of The Road

a similar description heard on Whine Cellar this morning

THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD
By John Ross Harvey

In North America
The Right side of the road to drive on
Is the Right side of the road
Not the left side
When taking a curve
You don’t go to the left to cut the corner
When the road has a chicane
Or serpentine bend
You not take the straight-line approach
You stay on the right hand side
Why would anyone think cutting a corner
Or straightening a bend is
How one drives?
People are coming the other way
Unless they are as bad as this
You will hit each other
I’ve had to yell at people heading towards me!
I stay on the right side
Cutting the corner puts you on the left
That’s the wrong side!
Don’t be wrong; stay right!

My Rant

MY RANT
By John Ross Harvey

Hi, I’m bald, overweight, and broke
I live in the Ferrari fan capital of Canada
And I cheer for the other teams
The only good Red Italian is a Valpolicella
My car is a Ford
My van is a Dodge
If I ever watch NASCAR, I’m not cheering for Chevy
I drink tea, not coffee
Scissors are not required for paper coffee packets
They are required for milk bags
Milk bags are cut at both ends
Curling is a real sport
Basketball is not
The VW Beetle is Retro
The T-bird is retro
The Mustang is retro
The Camaro is retro
The Challenger is retro
The Impala is not
An Impala has 6 taillights, not 4, not 2, 6!
Anything less is not worthy of the name
Taillights are supposed to be red
Not white
Not black
Not pink
Red
High beams should have a reverse option
A snowbrush is a safety device
People with brains know how they work
Green lights are not for mindless sheep
Smart people can even stop at them

Canadian Espionage

CANADIAN ESPIONAGE
By John Ross Harvey

I just heard on the radio
That the American military
Created several documents
On possible espionage
By Canadians
Do you want to know what it was?
The Poppy Quarter
The quarter with a red poppy in the centre
Coated with a protective film
To prevent the red from flaking off
Was believed to be,
Get this….
Nanotechnology for use in espionage
Now I know they’re not that bright
Military Intelligence is an oxymoron
However
That’s ridiculously stupid
I’m lucky I was at a stoplight
Or I may have crashed into someone

Game Shows

GAMES SHOWS
By John Ross Harvey

People are obsessed with game shows
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Deal or No Deal?
Canadians watch these shows
When it’s popular enough
They make a Canadian version
For Who Wants to Be a Millionaire
It was one episode
They had a phone in audition
Answer 5 questions and you’re in
To be on the show
I answered 4
I knew more than the guy who won $64,000
I was a bit upset
Deal or No Deal decided to do a Canadian version
Except it was about 7 episodes over 5 weeks
Well with the internet
Auditions were a long winded 26 page biography of yourself
I was almost ready to sign up
But as interesting as my life is to me
I don’t need them knowing it all.
I chose No deal
I still don’t have that Million

No Prizes

NO PRIZES
By John Ross Harvey

The big coffee and donut company
Has a contest
You could win a car, a TV, an ipod
Or a coffee, or a donut
But 99% of the time you get
Play again/ Reassayez s.v.p.
The smaller coffee companies
Say win a prize everytime
I’m sorry I don’t need a phone card to Italy
Or a veggie slice of pizza
I want a car
Or a TV
Or an ipod
I just won’t get one
Because 99% of the time I get
Play again/Reassayez s.v.p.
You’d think this company as large as it is
Could afford to lose a few donuts
And have you win everytime.
I don’t even drink the coffee
I drink tea!
I’ll take a donut
My wife can have the coffee
I want a car, a TV, or an ipod
Give more prizes
I’m tired of paying $1.50
And getting
Play again/Reassayez s.v.p.

Seeing Faces In Odd Places

SEEING FACES IN ODD PLACES
By John Ross Harvey

You always hear these stories
Of people seeing faces
In their food, their houses, where they work
Could be a floor stain
Or a knot in some wood paneling
But most of these people say that
It’s JESUS!
I have seen the odd face in various places
Usually the clouds
And even a floor stain
But while staying at my in-laws recently
I spotted a face in the trees
Their next door neighbour is up on a rocky hill
Near the top of that rocky hill
I saw a face
It looked like your stereotypical grey alien
With an afro
Don’t know what significance that has
Probably none
But if the tabloids need to pay me to find out
I’m good for receiving cash
If it wasn’t a grey alien
It could have been Jack Nicholson with a wig
Seeing how he’s bald now.
You be the judge.

At The In-laws

AT THE IN-LAWS
By John Ross Harvey

I was on vacation one week
Staying at the in-laws
No cable, no internet
Barely any groceries
So in a word:
Bored
They had removed the wallpaper
In their bathroom
Which is little more than a tub,
A toilet, a sink, and
A foot path in between
We offered to paint for them as
That was next step
Being less than 7’ tall with sloped ceilings
That meant I worked while my wife watched
This is how most painting projects work
So I finish the first coat and go to clean up
I run the taps and try to take the paint out of the brush
And my hand just gets covered in paint
White paint
I’m becoming an albino
I’m thinking Latex is supposed to clean off with water
Then I read the can, its alkyd, which is Oil paint
Oil paint needs varsol, thinner, or turpentine
Do we have any?
Maybe
Can you find it?
OK
Luckily we did have thinner
So I just cleaned my hands
My arms still looked albino
Next step to putty over the imperfections
Then sand and paint the second coat
To see more spots I missed.

TV Wonder Drugs

TV WONDER DRUGS
By John Ross Harvey

Have you noticed?
There are a lot of drugs being offered on TV
Medication for hair loss, arthritis, and everything else
Some don’t even tell you what they’re for
All of them say “Ask your doctor.”
Well if you can’t tell me what it is
How the heck is he supposed to know?
And then there are the disclaimers
May cause vomiting, diarrhea, dizzy spells,
Rapid eye movement, loss of mobility,
Loss of balance, temporary vision loss,
A bad taste in your mouth, should not be used
With other medications
Do not take while pregnant
Do not take while smoking
Do not take while drinking alcoholic beverages
Make sure you “Ask your doctor before taking…..”
Hair loss is usually a man problem
Most men are not capable of being pregnant
Yet hair loss medications offered on TV
Suggest not using while being pregnant.
I have hair loss
It’s called genetics
Or even life
Women may even find it sexy
Why would I submit myself to a drug
That may not want me to be pregnant?
I think I’ll pass.

Village Collectors

originally published in TVCC newsletter about 2 years ago.

VILLAGE COLLECTORS
By John Ross Harvey

Our club motto has been, where houses find good homes.
You ask yourself what does that mean?
Are we are the only people capable of making homes for small houses?
Or are we just crazy enough to buy them in the first place?
No to first, and yes to second.
We really are crazy.
If someone asks us what we do, we say………
I collect houses.
This makes us sound like a real estate magnate.
I specialize in property acquisition.
No really I don’t
What do you mean?
I collect really small porcelain houses.
You can’t be serious, you collect toilets?
No I don’t collect outhouses, just small porcelain houses.
As you can see people’s grasp of this concept is difficult as best.
Suffice it to say, we do what we do, because we’re positively insane.
If you tell these people you collect tiny people and trees too…
They’ll think you’re positively certifiable.
Their loss.
I don’t mind being insane, as long as I have friends that are equally insane.
Ok, some are more insane than others, but we exist to co-exist.
At least now we can claim to be real estate magnates.
Eat your heart out Donald Trump.

The "Babe" Song

THE "BABE" SONG
By John Ross Harvey

The music industry has always had the one super-couple
They would always be doing duets
While still having a great solo career
In the 50’s and 60’s this was Johnny Cash and June Carter-Cash
They had a song called “It ain’t me Babe.”
In the 70’s there was Sonny and Cher
They had a song called “I got you Babe!”
And I’m pretty sure Cher had a better solo career
Sonny went into politics
Today’s super-couple is Tim McGraw and Faith Hill
McGraw-Hill is the name of the publisher
Of most of my school textbooks in high school
Who knew they’d be a super-couple of the music industry?
My question is:
What Babe song are they going to sing?
I’m so Rich Babe?

The Border

THE BORDER
By John Ross Harvey

Americans are obsessed with
Homeland Security
Ever since 9-11, the border
Between Canada and the USA
Is a sticky issue with heavyweight politicians
Yet after nearly 6 years
Americans still don’t know
Canadians do not operate their border patrols
Never have
Never will
Americans run your border patrols
I know you think this is a simple case
Of we’re never wrong so blame the neighbour
But you are wrong
We let people into our country
Not yours
You let people into your country
It’s your fault
Always was
Always will be
Anyone with a Kindergarten education
Can figure this out
Makes you wonder why you elect people
That don’t have one?

Beverage Discrimination

BEVERAGE DISCRIMINATION
By John Ross Harvey

I’d like to talk about discrimination
Not African-Americans vs. Caucasians
But Tea drinkers vs. Coffee drinkers
You can go anywhere you want
And they will offer coffee
More likely than not they will not
Offer Tea
Tea has been used for centuries
Coffee probably less time
Tea tastes good
Coffee does not
That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it
When a coffee company has a contest
Winning a Tea is never an option
They won’t even let you trade the free coffee for a tea
Its discrimination
I’m always reminded of Mad About You
When Ursula pours more coffee
And Paul says “Thank you; that was tea!”
Hasn’t happened yet
But I fully expect it to
Because tea drinkers are discriminated.
I am a tea drinker.
I hate coffee
Cappuccino is ok
Nothing else