PANCAKE TUESDAY/ ASH WEDNESDAY
By John Ross Harvey
I believe the Roman Catholics created this
A day without meat
So fill up on Pancakes
But they will be better with lots of blueberries
The book I’m reading identifies the Finnish population
Within Canada in Thunder Bay
That Pancakes are a Finnish staple
Unless you’re in Moose Jaw building a boat to go home
At any rate, maybe it was the Finnish Roman Catholics.
The book by the way is by Will Ferguson
Beauty Tips From Moose Jaw, fantastic read.
Now Lent follows Pancake Tuesday on Ash Wednesday
I understand Roman Catholics have the cross put on
Their foreheads in Ash
But the prospect of lent is to fast, or give up something.
As a die-hard tea drinker, that’s not going to be given up.
With the Amazing Race back on TV and LOST, neither is TV.
I positively crave chocolate, so I will attempt
To forgo eating any chocolate enhanced food or confectionary.
It will likely be replaced by very salty Chips.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Internet & Email Acronyms
INTERNET & EMAIL ACRONYMS
By John Ross Harvey
You’ve all joined the odd message board or two
You’ve all mailed several thousand emails by now
You see acronyms all the time
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
PMSL= Peeing My Self laughing
ROFL= Rolling On Floor Laughing
I was never satisfied with these
TWSDFIBAGTTTO
That Was So Darn Funny I Busted A Gut Two Thousand Times Over
Then you have the matter of fact acronyms
TBH = To Be Honest
IMO = In My Opinion
IMHO= In My Honest Opinion
FT= Full Truth (is there such a thing as not quite full truth?)
Again far to simple to misunderstand
ATRTTCFFTIMABMUFYB
Actually That Really Takes The Cake For Facts That I
Might Actually Be Making Up For Your Benefit
Have fun with it, don’t be boring.
By John Ross Harvey
You’ve all joined the odd message board or two
You’ve all mailed several thousand emails by now
You see acronyms all the time
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
PMSL= Peeing My Self laughing
ROFL= Rolling On Floor Laughing
I was never satisfied with these
TWSDFIBAGTTTO
That Was So Darn Funny I Busted A Gut Two Thousand Times Over
Then you have the matter of fact acronyms
TBH = To Be Honest
IMO = In My Opinion
IMHO= In My Honest Opinion
FT= Full Truth (is there such a thing as not quite full truth?)
Again far to simple to misunderstand
ATRTTCFFTIMABMUFYB
Actually That Really Takes The Cake For Facts That I
Might Actually Be Making Up For Your Benefit
Have fun with it, don’t be boring.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Short Forms
SHORT FORMS
By John Ross Harvey
We all know how bizarre the English language is
Silent e’s or h’s, i before e except after c
Weird rules indeed
Rules usually have exceptions too.
French make everything relate
To Masculine or Feminine traits.
Often this makes more sense than English.
But what I’m talking about is
Short forms that bear little or no
Resemblance to the Long form of the word.
At least in English.
LB=Pound. How is that possible?
The origin is in the Latin word libra, which could mean both balance scales (hence the symbol for the astrological sign Libra, which was named after a constellation that was thought to resemble scales) and also a pound weight, for which the full expression was libra pondo, the second word being the origin of our pound.
OZ=Ounce. Why use a Z?
The abbreviation for ounce is "oz". This comes from 15th century Italian, also "oz" which is an abbreviation of "onza". "Oncia" seems to be the modern Italian for ounce (although they use metric measures now, of course) and I suppose that "onza" is a variant of this. The word "ounce" comes from the Latin "uncia" or twelfth part. The ounce is a sixteenth part of a pound avoirdupois, but it used to be a twelfth part of a pound troy.
I.e. or E.g. = Example. Now, why is that?
I.e. is an abbreviation for Latin id est, "that is." E.g. is for exempli gratia, "for the sake of example." So you can say, "I like citrus fruits, e.g., oranges and limes"; or, "I like citrus fruits, i.e. the juicy, edible fruits with leathery, aromatic rinds of any of numerous tropical, usually thorny shrubs or trees of the genus Citrus." In the first sentence you are simply giving an instance of a citrus fruit; in the second you are giving an explanation. E.g. simply indicates an example; i.e. specifies, explains.
Most of the world relates to Acronyms better
CIA for Certifiably Insane Assassins
FBI for Frequently Bewildered Investigators
OPP for Overpass Parked Patrol-car
So E.G. and Lb really mess people up unless they are just accepted.
It’s not like we invented the terms now is it?
By John Ross Harvey
We all know how bizarre the English language is
Silent e’s or h’s, i before e except after c
Weird rules indeed
Rules usually have exceptions too.
French make everything relate
To Masculine or Feminine traits.
Often this makes more sense than English.
But what I’m talking about is
Short forms that bear little or no
Resemblance to the Long form of the word.
At least in English.
LB=Pound. How is that possible?
The origin is in the Latin word libra, which could mean both balance scales (hence the symbol for the astrological sign Libra, which was named after a constellation that was thought to resemble scales) and also a pound weight, for which the full expression was libra pondo, the second word being the origin of our pound.
OZ=Ounce. Why use a Z?
The abbreviation for ounce is "oz". This comes from 15th century Italian, also "oz" which is an abbreviation of "onza". "Oncia" seems to be the modern Italian for ounce (although they use metric measures now, of course) and I suppose that "onza" is a variant of this. The word "ounce" comes from the Latin "uncia" or twelfth part. The ounce is a sixteenth part of a pound avoirdupois, but it used to be a twelfth part of a pound troy.
I.e. or E.g. = Example. Now, why is that?
I.e. is an abbreviation for Latin id est, "that is." E.g. is for exempli gratia, "for the sake of example." So you can say, "I like citrus fruits, e.g., oranges and limes"; or, "I like citrus fruits, i.e. the juicy, edible fruits with leathery, aromatic rinds of any of numerous tropical, usually thorny shrubs or trees of the genus Citrus." In the first sentence you are simply giving an instance of a citrus fruit; in the second you are giving an explanation. E.g. simply indicates an example; i.e. specifies, explains.
Most of the world relates to Acronyms better
CIA for Certifiably Insane Assassins
FBI for Frequently Bewildered Investigators
OPP for Overpass Parked Patrol-car
So E.G. and Lb really mess people up unless they are just accepted.
It’s not like we invented the terms now is it?
Team Canada
TEAM CANADA
By John Ross Harvey
We have just completed the Winter Olympic Games
Torino Italy was a shining moment
For many Canadian athletes
Athletes that unlike the USA and Italy
Are not paid for Medal performances
Athletes that love what they do
Athletes that care more about others than themselves
Clara Hughes won the 5,000 M long track speed skating event
On her very last lap, and fell in exhaustion
And complete happiness
To top this off she donated $10,000 of her own money
To a charity that helps children in less developed nations
Learn how to play various sports and games
www.righttoplay.com
Several other athletes which had winnings, donated them
A few corporations donated as well
I hope any corporations reading this donate even more.
I do congratulate all the medal winners like
Cindy Klassen and her 5 medals
As well as all the top 10 finishers, many that came 4th!
24 medals is very good considering
The Men’s hockey team did not win.
Let’s hope we have just as good or better results
When it comes home to Vancouver in 2010.
Thank you Team Canada
I think I speak for all of us to say
You make us Proud to be Canadian.
By John Ross Harvey
We have just completed the Winter Olympic Games
Torino Italy was a shining moment
For many Canadian athletes
Athletes that unlike the USA and Italy
Are not paid for Medal performances
Athletes that love what they do
Athletes that care more about others than themselves
Clara Hughes won the 5,000 M long track speed skating event
On her very last lap, and fell in exhaustion
And complete happiness
To top this off she donated $10,000 of her own money
To a charity that helps children in less developed nations
Learn how to play various sports and games
www.righttoplay.com
Several other athletes which had winnings, donated them
A few corporations donated as well
I hope any corporations reading this donate even more.
I do congratulate all the medal winners like
Cindy Klassen and her 5 medals
As well as all the top 10 finishers, many that came 4th!
24 medals is very good considering
The Men’s hockey team did not win.
Let’s hope we have just as good or better results
When it comes home to Vancouver in 2010.
Thank you Team Canada
I think I speak for all of us to say
You make us Proud to be Canadian.
Reward Programs
Originally posted Nov. 30 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
REWARD PROGRAMS
By John Ross Harvey
How many Cards do you have?
Petro Points for Petro-Canada
Esso Extra for Esso
Air Miles for many places
HBC rewards for Bay and Zellers
Rogers VIP for the Video store
What do they give you?
For every $20 you get an Air Mile
To go to Montreal I need about $5000
What do I get besides Lottery Tickets at
Esso and PetroCanada?
I sure don’t get free gas!
Honestly I think it’s an excuse to create a company
That does absolutely nothing
How many people cash in?
A few lottery tickets yes, anything else, no.
Someday other people will clue in
Better start cashing soon!
REWARD PROGRAMS
By John Ross Harvey
How many Cards do you have?
Petro Points for Petro-Canada
Esso Extra for Esso
Air Miles for many places
HBC rewards for Bay and Zellers
Rogers VIP for the Video store
What do they give you?
For every $20 you get an Air Mile
To go to Montreal I need about $5000
What do I get besides Lottery Tickets at
Esso and PetroCanada?
I sure don’t get free gas!
Honestly I think it’s an excuse to create a company
That does absolutely nothing
How many people cash in?
A few lottery tickets yes, anything else, no.
Someday other people will clue in
Better start cashing soon!
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Ice Cream Trucks
Originally posted Oct. 1 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
ICE CREAM TRUCKS
By John Ross Harvey
Remember being a kid and a Popsicle was 10 cents?
The Ice Cream guy had a change belt for nickels dimes and quarters
Now everything is $2.00
The Ice cream truck used to be identifiable by its music
That same music suddenly became the knife sharpener guy
And what about that music…
Why do they play “La Cucaracha”?????????
You do know what that means?
Precisely why I avoid the ice cream truck.
ICE CREAM TRUCKS
By John Ross Harvey
Remember being a kid and a Popsicle was 10 cents?
The Ice Cream guy had a change belt for nickels dimes and quarters
Now everything is $2.00
The Ice cream truck used to be identifiable by its music
That same music suddenly became the knife sharpener guy
And what about that music…
Why do they play “La Cucaracha”?????????
You do know what that means?
Precisely why I avoid the ice cream truck.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Curling
CURLING
By John Ross Harvey
Nothing identifies a Canadian more than
Curling
We understand the game
We watch the game
We may even play the game
94% of the world’s curlers
Are Canadian
At this moment our Olympic Men’s team
Natives of Newfoundland
Are playing for the Gold Medal
Up 3-2 after 3 ends of play
Newfoundland has been given the day off
To watch of course
Win or lose, it’ll be a party to celebrate
Gold or worst case scenario Silver
For a bunch of rocks sliding on ice
And helped on their way by brooms
To enter the House
And be closest to the Button
The House is Rings 12’, 8’, 4’
The button is the 2’ centre
Usually with a logo
Why does this appeal to Canadians?
The Scots apparently created the sport
Many Scots emigrated to Canada
Many Scottish descendants play now
Perhaps that has something to do with it
Or maybe being able to yell is
“HURRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY!”
“HARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!!”
“WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”
“Line’s good, line’s good.”
“Nice shot.”
Or it’s like Football (read Soccer)
Low scores mean it’s a better game
1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1 Player 1
0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0 Player 2
No, I think it’s the ice
Hockey is played on ice; Hockey is Canadian
Curling is played on ice; Curling is Canadian
Just don’t put it in our drinks
We’ll have to chew it.
By John Ross Harvey
Nothing identifies a Canadian more than
Curling
We understand the game
We watch the game
We may even play the game
94% of the world’s curlers
Are Canadian
At this moment our Olympic Men’s team
Natives of Newfoundland
Are playing for the Gold Medal
Up 3-2 after 3 ends of play
Newfoundland has been given the day off
To watch of course
Win or lose, it’ll be a party to celebrate
Gold or worst case scenario Silver
For a bunch of rocks sliding on ice
And helped on their way by brooms
To enter the House
And be closest to the Button
The House is Rings 12’, 8’, 4’
The button is the 2’ centre
Usually with a logo
Why does this appeal to Canadians?
The Scots apparently created the sport
Many Scots emigrated to Canada
Many Scottish descendants play now
Perhaps that has something to do with it
Or maybe being able to yell is
“HURRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY!”
“HARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!!”
“WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”
“Line’s good, line’s good.”
“Nice shot.”
Or it’s like Football (read Soccer)
Low scores mean it’s a better game
1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1 Player 1
0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0 Player 2
No, I think it’s the ice
Hockey is played on ice; Hockey is Canadian
Curling is played on ice; Curling is Canadian
Just don’t put it in our drinks
We’ll have to chew it.
Movie Posters
Originally posted Sept. 22, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
MOVIE POSTERS
By John Ross Harvey
Just once when I see a movie poster
I’d like to see the correct person under his or her own name
Every poster I’ve seen with 3 people on it
Has 2 of them with the names switched
Most recently advertising its new DVD was Sahara
Steve Zahn’s name was above Penelope Cruz
Penelope’s name was above Steve, or was it Steve, who is Steve?
Batman was Jack Nicholson’s name above Michael Keaton
Pierce Brosnan’s name may have been above Halle Berry in their Bond flick
Actor status should not dictate the banner
The picture should
But then we’re asking salespeople to design
They don’t get commission for that
MOVIE POSTERS
By John Ross Harvey
Just once when I see a movie poster
I’d like to see the correct person under his or her own name
Every poster I’ve seen with 3 people on it
Has 2 of them with the names switched
Most recently advertising its new DVD was Sahara
Steve Zahn’s name was above Penelope Cruz
Penelope’s name was above Steve, or was it Steve, who is Steve?
Batman was Jack Nicholson’s name above Michael Keaton
Pierce Brosnan’s name may have been above Halle Berry in their Bond flick
Actor status should not dictate the banner
The picture should
But then we’re asking salespeople to design
They don’t get commission for that
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Magnetic Field
Originally posted June 30, 1995 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
MAGNETIC FIELD
By John Ross Harvey
You all know about magnetism.
North poles, south poles, the earth is magnetic,
Compasses point North
Opposites attract, likes repell, the whole schpiel.
Love is usually equated to magnetism.
At a sub-atomic level this may be true, considering
Much of what we digest contains metal properties,
Iron, MAGNESIUM, etc. etc.
On the Tv show LOST, it’s been theorized that the island
Is overly magnetic, and may be in synch with brain waves
Hence creating whatever one thinks.
It was speculated when the compass was several degrees off of North.
I happen to have the same effect on compasses.
North points to me, at least in my left hand.
I have to wear watches on my belt, as my hand destroys them over time.
They lose seconds, minutes, and eventually hours, if I forget to check.
There’s a comic book of mutants called the X-men.
Perhaps you’ve seen the movies, the arch-villain is Magneto.
Magneto has harnessed magnetic powers that allow him to fly, and
Destroy anything slightly metallic, like gates, or cars.
I haven’t quite mastered this ability; I’m still working on a spoon.
Just feed me more steak and I’ll get there.
MAGNETIC FIELD
By John Ross Harvey
You all know about magnetism.
North poles, south poles, the earth is magnetic,
Compasses point North
Opposites attract, likes repell, the whole schpiel.
Love is usually equated to magnetism.
At a sub-atomic level this may be true, considering
Much of what we digest contains metal properties,
Iron, MAGNESIUM, etc. etc.
On the Tv show LOST, it’s been theorized that the island
Is overly magnetic, and may be in synch with brain waves
Hence creating whatever one thinks.
It was speculated when the compass was several degrees off of North.
I happen to have the same effect on compasses.
North points to me, at least in my left hand.
I have to wear watches on my belt, as my hand destroys them over time.
They lose seconds, minutes, and eventually hours, if I forget to check.
There’s a comic book of mutants called the X-men.
Perhaps you’ve seen the movies, the arch-villain is Magneto.
Magneto has harnessed magnetic powers that allow him to fly, and
Destroy anything slightly metallic, like gates, or cars.
I haven’t quite mastered this ability; I’m still working on a spoon.
Just feed me more steak and I’ll get there.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Vocabulary
VOCABULARY
By John Ross Harvey
Vocabulary has many meanings
In this day and age
It can mean how frequent you swear
“That man has quite the Vocabulary.”
It could identify your intelligence
“My, what a splendid Vocabulary from that man!”
Or perhaps lack of it
“Such a limited Vocabulary that one has!”
But I’d like to know why
Torontonian drivers have a problem
With four simple words?
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
Apparently, the four hardest words in their Vocabulary.
Let’s do Intersections For Dummies:
If you can’t cross it, don’t block it; stop being a blockhead!
If you block an intersection, you’re brain does not function!
Green does not mean go,
It means Proceed if way is clear
If it’s not clear, you DO NOT PROCEED!
That’s a Vocabulary lesson
Has yours improved?
By John Ross Harvey
Vocabulary has many meanings
In this day and age
It can mean how frequent you swear
“That man has quite the Vocabulary.”
It could identify your intelligence
“My, what a splendid Vocabulary from that man!”
Or perhaps lack of it
“Such a limited Vocabulary that one has!”
But I’d like to know why
Torontonian drivers have a problem
With four simple words?
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
Apparently, the four hardest words in their Vocabulary.
Let’s do Intersections For Dummies:
If you can’t cross it, don’t block it; stop being a blockhead!
If you block an intersection, you’re brain does not function!
Green does not mean go,
It means Proceed if way is clear
If it’s not clear, you DO NOT PROCEED!
That’s a Vocabulary lesson
Has yours improved?
Crowds
Originally posted July 20, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
CROWDS
By John Ross Harvey
I recently attended a large free outdoor concert.
It was not Live8, it was Canada Day Jam 3.
Supposedly without any method of counting the crowds visible,
An announcer said there were 70,000 to 100,000 people there.
How can they know?
And when a crowd is that big,
Why do you see the same 10 people all the time?
Molson Indy, concerts, plays, large crowds, 10 people you keep seeing.
Why is that?
I think clones actually do exist!
CROWDS
By John Ross Harvey
I recently attended a large free outdoor concert.
It was not Live8, it was Canada Day Jam 3.
Supposedly without any method of counting the crowds visible,
An announcer said there were 70,000 to 100,000 people there.
How can they know?
And when a crowd is that big,
Why do you see the same 10 people all the time?
Molson Indy, concerts, plays, large crowds, 10 people you keep seeing.
Why is that?
I think clones actually do exist!
Backgammon
Originally posted Aug. 1 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
BACKGAMMON
By John Ross Harvey
My wife and I watched LOST one night and saw Backgammon
She remembers playing it as a kid and wants to learn it again
I bought it for Christmas for her, and we’ve been playing.
My son and daughter have also picked up the game and play well.
Often beating us more than not.
However we mostly play one another while watching TV at night.
She plays much better as white, and I play much better as brown.
If you’re familiar with the game, the object is to jump places and get home.
You have 15 pieces to move, from 4 different start points.
You cannot remove pieces until they are in home field or last 6 spaces.
You can slow your opponent if you land on single pieces
Forcing them to start on your home field
They can do the same to you also.
Each number rolled on two dice is a move.
Rolling doubles gives you four moves instead of 2.
Once in home field any rolled number higher than your last piece will remove it.
So it’s advantageous to have your pieces as close to 1 as possible
So higher rolls will still remove your pieces.
The dilemma being, no matter how many matches I lose every night
I still win best of 7, almost every time.
I’ll be down 3-0 and win 4-3.
It’s all luck of the roll of the dice, but why does my luck make comebacks.
Is a win not a win unless it’s from behind?
That’s how races should be.
Cheer for the guy at the back charging through.
It’s a shame my wife doesn’t see it this way.
BACKGAMMON
By John Ross Harvey
My wife and I watched LOST one night and saw Backgammon
She remembers playing it as a kid and wants to learn it again
I bought it for Christmas for her, and we’ve been playing.
My son and daughter have also picked up the game and play well.
Often beating us more than not.
However we mostly play one another while watching TV at night.
She plays much better as white, and I play much better as brown.
If you’re familiar with the game, the object is to jump places and get home.
You have 15 pieces to move, from 4 different start points.
You cannot remove pieces until they are in home field or last 6 spaces.
You can slow your opponent if you land on single pieces
Forcing them to start on your home field
They can do the same to you also.
Each number rolled on two dice is a move.
Rolling doubles gives you four moves instead of 2.
Once in home field any rolled number higher than your last piece will remove it.
So it’s advantageous to have your pieces as close to 1 as possible
So higher rolls will still remove your pieces.
The dilemma being, no matter how many matches I lose every night
I still win best of 7, almost every time.
I’ll be down 3-0 and win 4-3.
It’s all luck of the roll of the dice, but why does my luck make comebacks.
Is a win not a win unless it’s from behind?
That’s how races should be.
Cheer for the guy at the back charging through.
It’s a shame my wife doesn’t see it this way.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Fire Lanes
FIRE LANES
By John Ross Harvey
It should be common knowledge
To know how to read
Especially signs like
“TOW AWAY ZONE” or
“FIRE LANE”
$750 fine for parking in these areas.
But, no, idiots still ignore signs
And park in front of the door
To the grocery store
When 100 other open spaces
Are available to park in.
Woodbridge Dominion shoppers take note!
This is 100% Ignorance
It is 100% Arrogance
It is 100% Stupidity
300% x $750 is $2250
Fork it over
DO NOT PARK IN FIRE LANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Learn to read
Prevent Stupidity Today
By John Ross Harvey
It should be common knowledge
To know how to read
Especially signs like
“TOW AWAY ZONE” or
“FIRE LANE”
$750 fine for parking in these areas.
But, no, idiots still ignore signs
And park in front of the door
To the grocery store
When 100 other open spaces
Are available to park in.
Woodbridge Dominion shoppers take note!
This is 100% Ignorance
It is 100% Arrogance
It is 100% Stupidity
300% x $750 is $2250
Fork it over
DO NOT PARK IN FIRE LANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Learn to read
Prevent Stupidity Today
Business Cards
Originally posted October 22, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
BUSINESS CARDS
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody wants a status symbol
To many this is a car
To others it is a house
To many women it is expensive jewelry or furs
To many men it may be a name brand watch like Rolex
To all the Fast & Furious fans it’s a myriad of add-ons to their car
Like skirts, handles, wings, and Pink taillights
To me it’s Business Cards
Why you ask?
Several different companies have employed me
But not until this past July did I ever have a Business Card
And I don’t mean a generic one you write your name on
I mean one where your name is printed
8 years to earn a business card at this employer
And 10 years at 4 other business operations before that
18 years to earn a business card
I’ve owned a house for 5, and driven many cars for 23 years
I’ve had a fake Rolex before
But I’ve finally achieved the ultimate status
Business Cards
P.S. Now that we changed the phones, the phone number is wrong.
BUSINESS CARDS
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody wants a status symbol
To many this is a car
To others it is a house
To many women it is expensive jewelry or furs
To many men it may be a name brand watch like Rolex
To all the Fast & Furious fans it’s a myriad of add-ons to their car
Like skirts, handles, wings, and Pink taillights
To me it’s Business Cards
Why you ask?
Several different companies have employed me
But not until this past July did I ever have a Business Card
And I don’t mean a generic one you write your name on
I mean one where your name is printed
8 years to earn a business card at this employer
And 10 years at 4 other business operations before that
18 years to earn a business card
I’ve owned a house for 5, and driven many cars for 23 years
I’ve had a fake Rolex before
But I’ve finally achieved the ultimate status
Business Cards
P.S. Now that we changed the phones, the phone number is wrong.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Bad Commercials
BAD COMMERICALS
By John Ross Harvey
The latest yoghurt commercial
“ASK YOUR MOUTH”
Is the most annoying ever made
Why would we want to buy a product
Where some guy goes nuts in a grocery store
With his voice on Helium?
I don’t!
That commercial makes me leave the room.
Please don’t make commercials that bad.
I have enough Migraines.
By John Ross Harvey
The latest yoghurt commercial
“ASK YOUR MOUTH”
Is the most annoying ever made
Why would we want to buy a product
Where some guy goes nuts in a grocery store
With his voice on Helium?
I don’t!
That commercial makes me leave the room.
Please don’t make commercials that bad.
I have enough Migraines.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Great Commercials
GREAT COMMERCIALS
By John Ross Harvey
Remember when a commercial was better than TV?
Many years ago as a youth
I looked forward to Bartles & James commercials
Two old guys on a porch
Describing their wine cooler
In a monotone delivery
They were priceless.
Now my kids have the same reaction
To the new Bell commercials
With Frank & Gordon; the Beavers.
They will run to the TV
Just to see Frank & Gordon
I think if they start to market
Some Frank & Gordon toys
Bell could make a killing on sales from these.
My kids would love them.
Do Yours?
By John Ross Harvey
Remember when a commercial was better than TV?
Many years ago as a youth
I looked forward to Bartles & James commercials
Two old guys on a porch
Describing their wine cooler
In a monotone delivery
They were priceless.
Now my kids have the same reaction
To the new Bell commercials
With Frank & Gordon; the Beavers.
They will run to the TV
Just to see Frank & Gordon
I think if they start to market
Some Frank & Gordon toys
Bell could make a killing on sales from these.
My kids would love them.
Do Yours?
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Greatest Invention
Originally posted July 31, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
GREATEST INVENTION
By John Ross Harvey
This may be cause for debate
But honestly what is the greatest invention?
The car gets you from A to B in comfort.
The home, gives you shelter in comfort.
The TV lets you relax in the home.
The radio lets you relax in the car.
In the summer heat none of that matters,
Without Air Conditioning.
Can you enjoy the radio in your car if you’re sweating bullets?
Can you enjoy the Tv if your back is glued to the couch by perspiration?
No
Relaxation in the summer requires air conditioning.
So arguably this is the best invention ever made.
Computer geeks will say the PC is the greatest.
Internet gurus will say the phone/cable networks are the greatest.
Teenage girls will insist on the telephone as the greatest
Real men will insist on the Barbeque as the greatest invention
After all, grilling is a wonderful thing, and it doesn’t require electricity.
Some will say electricity is the best invention, until the power goes out.
But back to the point
The best invention ever is the air conditioner.
If it didn’t exist we’d all suffer from heat exhaustion.
I guess that’s how we got hooked on alcohol.
P.S. after visiting Alexander Graham Bell Museum, he may have invented it, at least his version of air conditioning.
GREATEST INVENTION
By John Ross Harvey
This may be cause for debate
But honestly what is the greatest invention?
The car gets you from A to B in comfort.
The home, gives you shelter in comfort.
The TV lets you relax in the home.
The radio lets you relax in the car.
In the summer heat none of that matters,
Without Air Conditioning.
Can you enjoy the radio in your car if you’re sweating bullets?
Can you enjoy the Tv if your back is glued to the couch by perspiration?
No
Relaxation in the summer requires air conditioning.
So arguably this is the best invention ever made.
Computer geeks will say the PC is the greatest.
Internet gurus will say the phone/cable networks are the greatest.
Teenage girls will insist on the telephone as the greatest
Real men will insist on the Barbeque as the greatest invention
After all, grilling is a wonderful thing, and it doesn’t require electricity.
Some will say electricity is the best invention, until the power goes out.
But back to the point
The best invention ever is the air conditioner.
If it didn’t exist we’d all suffer from heat exhaustion.
I guess that’s how we got hooked on alcohol.
P.S. after visiting Alexander Graham Bell Museum, he may have invented it, at least his version of air conditioning.
Advanced Technology
Originally posted Sept. 24 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY
By John Ross Harvey
My favourite author Arthur C. Clarke has said the following:
“Any significantly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”
Think about that.
If you were a boy in the 1960’s and
You saw a man with a laptop and a cell phone
You would wonder where the wires were
And how a Tv screen, with colour even, could fold
Phones in those days were several pounds, not ounces
A computer was not in the home
Those things we take for granted now would be Magic to him
If you went into Medieval England with a gun
They would wonder how you could possess such a small canon.
That would be Magic to them.
If someone from the future beamed down a la Star Trek
You’d shake your head and check if you were dreaming, but
You would liken the technology to Magic
A floppy disk from the 80’s was a 5 ¼” square and indeed floppy
720 KB to 1.44 MB
Apple created the 3 ½” floppy which was solid, same sizes in Mb
Did we call it solid? No we called it floppy.
Later we had Zip drives and Zip disks holding 100 to 250 MB
Those became obsolete when Cd’s could be Burned
How did copying become Burning?
Cd’s range from 600Mb to 800Mb generally and are cheap.
Why does technology in the computer industry drop in price?
Why does all other technology or products increase in price?
Those that increase in price are supposed to last longer.
The dropping prices of computer technology is because
Everything is obsolete within 6 months.
So it better be cheaper or you won’t upgrade
Microsoft unfortunately doesn’t abide by this concept
Neither does AutoCad by Autodesk
Essentially being a monopoly in their respective fields
They ignore the consumer demand for lower prices
As they own too much of the market to care.
This writing has now suffered from the Broken Telephone
No Magic can prevent that.
ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY
By John Ross Harvey
My favourite author Arthur C. Clarke has said the following:
“Any significantly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”
Think about that.
If you were a boy in the 1960’s and
You saw a man with a laptop and a cell phone
You would wonder where the wires were
And how a Tv screen, with colour even, could fold
Phones in those days were several pounds, not ounces
A computer was not in the home
Those things we take for granted now would be Magic to him
If you went into Medieval England with a gun
They would wonder how you could possess such a small canon.
That would be Magic to them.
If someone from the future beamed down a la Star Trek
You’d shake your head and check if you were dreaming, but
You would liken the technology to Magic
A floppy disk from the 80’s was a 5 ¼” square and indeed floppy
720 KB to 1.44 MB
Apple created the 3 ½” floppy which was solid, same sizes in Mb
Did we call it solid? No we called it floppy.
Later we had Zip drives and Zip disks holding 100 to 250 MB
Those became obsolete when Cd’s could be Burned
How did copying become Burning?
Cd’s range from 600Mb to 800Mb generally and are cheap.
Why does technology in the computer industry drop in price?
Why does all other technology or products increase in price?
Those that increase in price are supposed to last longer.
The dropping prices of computer technology is because
Everything is obsolete within 6 months.
So it better be cheaper or you won’t upgrade
Microsoft unfortunately doesn’t abide by this concept
Neither does AutoCad by Autodesk
Essentially being a monopoly in their respective fields
They ignore the consumer demand for lower prices
As they own too much of the market to care.
This writing has now suffered from the Broken Telephone
No Magic can prevent that.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Men Never Win
MEN NEVER WIN
By John Ross Harvey
Face it
Once a man is with a woman
He may never win again
Sure, you may win an argument or two
But she will be mad or crying, and that’s not fun.
If she can’t reach it and you can, she hates you
Even if she asked you to reach it!
If she can’t open it and you can, she swears
Even though she asked you to do it
If you watch the Discovery channel
And understand all the sci-fi stuff
She’ll just say “How do they know?”
If you forget certain days
Like Valentine’s
You’re in big trouble.
Just accept what fate dealt you.
Because you still love her
Even if she punches you
When you can reach that item
That she asked you to get.
By John Ross Harvey
Face it
Once a man is with a woman
He may never win again
Sure, you may win an argument or two
But she will be mad or crying, and that’s not fun.
If she can’t reach it and you can, she hates you
Even if she asked you to reach it!
If she can’t open it and you can, she swears
Even though she asked you to do it
If you watch the Discovery channel
And understand all the sci-fi stuff
She’ll just say “How do they know?”
If you forget certain days
Like Valentine’s
You’re in big trouble.
Just accept what fate dealt you.
Because you still love her
Even if she punches you
When you can reach that item
That she asked you to get.
Red Lights
Originally posted Oct. 12, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
RED LIGHTS
By John Ross Harvey
If you’re going straight, you should stop for these.
If it’s the vehicle in front, you should brake
If you’re turning left, don’t go unless you’re already in the intersection
Never turn left without being in the intersection on a Red Light.
You’d be surprised how many Torontonians think they can
Follow the guy in the intersection, when they are not.
Apparently brains and logic do not reside with them.
These are the same people that Follow on Stop signs
Tailgating is their life
How many tailgaters do you consider as a friend?
You don’t obviously.
If you were driving behind your friend would you do that?
Then there are wide intersections
You turn left on green and face a red light
If you actually think about this, it’s perfectly normal
If you panic and stop, you aren’t thinking straight.
The intersection near my workplace is like this
So many motorists stop and wonder why they’re honked at.
And yes, accidents do occur there.
The common misconception is that Red is the only Stop Light.
Let’s just consider this for a moment.
Red means traffic is traveling across your direction, so stopping is required.
Yellow or Amber means you should prepare to Stop by slowing down.
Green does not mean Go.
Green means Proceed if the way is clear.
If someone is running the red, do you go?
No
If the intersection is blocked, do you go?
No
So, all three lights may require you to Stop.
You’d be surprised how much better traffic flows if you do.
Blocking intersections prevents traffic flow
Stopping and creating a gap allows traffic flow
Its really just Logic
Too many are unable to understand logic
But I’m a Bilingual Vulcan
RED LIGHTS
By John Ross Harvey
If you’re going straight, you should stop for these.
If it’s the vehicle in front, you should brake
If you’re turning left, don’t go unless you’re already in the intersection
Never turn left without being in the intersection on a Red Light.
You’d be surprised how many Torontonians think they can
Follow the guy in the intersection, when they are not.
Apparently brains and logic do not reside with them.
These are the same people that Follow on Stop signs
Tailgating is their life
How many tailgaters do you consider as a friend?
You don’t obviously.
If you were driving behind your friend would you do that?
Then there are wide intersections
You turn left on green and face a red light
If you actually think about this, it’s perfectly normal
If you panic and stop, you aren’t thinking straight.
The intersection near my workplace is like this
So many motorists stop and wonder why they’re honked at.
And yes, accidents do occur there.
The common misconception is that Red is the only Stop Light.
Let’s just consider this for a moment.
Red means traffic is traveling across your direction, so stopping is required.
Yellow or Amber means you should prepare to Stop by slowing down.
Green does not mean Go.
Green means Proceed if the way is clear.
If someone is running the red, do you go?
No
If the intersection is blocked, do you go?
No
So, all three lights may require you to Stop.
You’d be surprised how much better traffic flows if you do.
Blocking intersections prevents traffic flow
Stopping and creating a gap allows traffic flow
Its really just Logic
Too many are unable to understand logic
But I’m a Bilingual Vulcan
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Overtalking
Originally posted Jan. 11 2006 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
OVERTALKING
By John Ross Harvey
You may have met someone that talks too much
That’s not what I mean by this
I mean someone that uses more words to describe things
Making them sound like their scanning a dictionary
To give an example
“May we have the drawings for the job?”
This is the short way.
“Could you please endeavor to facilitate the acquisition of documents pertaining to the project in question?”
That is the long way, an over talker.
“May I have fries with that?”
That is the short way.
“Would it be possible to include the deep fried potatoes with my meal?”
That is the over talker way.
“Could you fill’er up with Regular?”
Short
“Would it be possible to obtain the regular octane and do indeed top up the fuel tank?”
Over talker
“Want to go out for drinks?”
Short
“May it possible to accompany you in a quest for an establishment of spirits?”
Over talker
“Ha, ha, that’s funny!”
Short
“My goodness; that indeed rupture my diaphragm, and tickle my funny bone!”
Over talker
“Steak, medium-rare please?”
Short
“Would you be so kind as to endeavor to braze the exterior and allow for a full pink texture within allowing also for the juices to be plentiful?”
Over talker
“Eggs over easy, please?”
Short
“Would you endeavor to allow for the soft yolk texture to remain within the lightly fried white of the egg?”
Over talker
If you’ve met someone like this, allow an extra 2 hours to talk to them.
OVERTALKING
By John Ross Harvey
You may have met someone that talks too much
That’s not what I mean by this
I mean someone that uses more words to describe things
Making them sound like their scanning a dictionary
To give an example
“May we have the drawings for the job?”
This is the short way.
“Could you please endeavor to facilitate the acquisition of documents pertaining to the project in question?”
That is the long way, an over talker.
“May I have fries with that?”
That is the short way.
“Would it be possible to include the deep fried potatoes with my meal?”
That is the over talker way.
“Could you fill’er up with Regular?”
Short
“Would it be possible to obtain the regular octane and do indeed top up the fuel tank?”
Over talker
“Want to go out for drinks?”
Short
“May it possible to accompany you in a quest for an establishment of spirits?”
Over talker
“Ha, ha, that’s funny!”
Short
“My goodness; that indeed rupture my diaphragm, and tickle my funny bone!”
Over talker
“Steak, medium-rare please?”
Short
“Would you be so kind as to endeavor to braze the exterior and allow for a full pink texture within allowing also for the juices to be plentiful?”
Over talker
“Eggs over easy, please?”
Short
“Would you endeavor to allow for the soft yolk texture to remain within the lightly fried white of the egg?”
Over talker
If you’ve met someone like this, allow an extra 2 hours to talk to them.
Acronym Monologue
Hello Everybody Laugh Lots OK
My real name is John: John’s Only Highly Nervous or John Only Has Name
You are the Audience: Audience Usually Decides I’m Exceptional Now Clapping Excitedly
The Olympics are on: Olympics Let You Marvel at People In Competition, Stupendous!
I drink Tea: Tea Especially Always
Not Coffee: Coffee’s Only For Fanatics Especially Espresso.
I drove a Mazda : Mostly Accommodating Zooming Drivers Any-day
I have a house : Home Of Unusually Structured Engineering
I Bowl :Beer-guts On Wide Lanes
I have Email : Electronic Messages Aimed at Inducing Laughter
I get Spam: Spewed Personally Accosting Messages
I have a Boy: Boy’s Overly Yell
Man is he loud: Loud Overly Underrated Decibels
I have a girl: Girl’s are Irresistibly Really Lovable, especially your own.
I’m Bald: Baldness Always Looks Dapper, Don’t you think?
I’m Short: Shortness Has Overly Rowdy Tendencies.........Nah!
I have a boss: Bosses Only Sound Serious
His name is Tony: Tony Only Needs You!
Any Bobs in the audience? Are you a boss Bob?
Bob Orders Bruce?
Bruce? Brutally Really Underpaid Corporate Employee
I had a Neighbour named Colin: Colin Only Likes Interesting Neighbours
or Colin Only Likes Interac Now
He loves his garage: Garage A Regular Area of Guys Especially
What car do you drive?
Do you drive a Honda or a BMW? If so, please leave the room, as my acronyms for them are less than desirable.
Brain Membranes Went and How Often No one Drives Appropriately.
OK, I haven’t had good experience with them, for those that are good drivers with those cars how about this?
Brilliant Machinery Wonder, and Has Only New Drivers Anyway.
OK, there are others on the Net, that I do know but cannot claim to have created
such as Chevrolet, Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips,
but I call them Crud Heaps Every Vehicle Year. Vegas rusted in the showroom!
There are many for Ford, like Fast Only Rolling Downhill, Found On Road Dead, Fix Or Repair Daily,
First On Race Day being a better one, how about For Only Redheaded Debutantes?
Stand Up: Simply Telling Audiences New Deliveries is Understandably Pleasing.
There is a lot of pain and grief in the world
With the recent Terrorism: Terrorist Extremists Rampaging Rebellion Over Religion Is Simply Mad!
I enjoy racing. They have Practice: Practice Racing At Course To Improve Competitiveness Eventually.
They Qualify : Qualifying Usually Accepts Life’s Immediacy For You
They Race: Race Actively Competitively Exceptionally
Before they do that they must Grid, I gridded cars at Mosport and Molson Indy, to get the point across I might say on the PA system: Grid Racecars Immediately Drivers.
Face It Acronyms are all around you. You drive an SUV, Seriously Underrated Vehicles.
Or you use the TTC, Toronto’s Taxi Companies, just kidding.
The Government lives for Acronyms like MTO, and ORC, otherwise known as Misguided Transportation Organization and Overpopulated Realty Commission.
We all need TLC: Taxes Lifted Certainly
You probably eat BLT’s: Brown Lettuce on Toast
You may have AOL: Always Overly Laborious
Or AT&T: Attack with Telephone Today
Who drinks Beer? Beer’s Extra Especially Refreshing, But
Don’t Drive Drunk. Drunk Recluses Underrate Needless Killing
Stay Sober. Sobriety Of Beer Especially Required.
That’s It for Me I’m Done. Done, Over, Now Exiting.
Thank You: Thanks Has A Nice Kharma You Out-rightly Understand
And Goodbye: Good Outstanding Ovations Desired By You Especially.
My real name is John: John’s Only Highly Nervous or John Only Has Name
You are the Audience: Audience Usually Decides I’m Exceptional Now Clapping Excitedly
The Olympics are on: Olympics Let You Marvel at People In Competition, Stupendous!
I drink Tea: Tea Especially Always
Not Coffee: Coffee’s Only For Fanatics Especially Espresso.
I drove a Mazda : Mostly Accommodating Zooming Drivers Any-day
I have a house : Home Of Unusually Structured Engineering
I Bowl :Beer-guts On Wide Lanes
I have Email : Electronic Messages Aimed at Inducing Laughter
I get Spam: Spewed Personally Accosting Messages
I have a Boy: Boy’s Overly Yell
Man is he loud: Loud Overly Underrated Decibels
I have a girl: Girl’s are Irresistibly Really Lovable, especially your own.
I’m Bald: Baldness Always Looks Dapper, Don’t you think?
I’m Short: Shortness Has Overly Rowdy Tendencies.........Nah!
I have a boss: Bosses Only Sound Serious
His name is Tony: Tony Only Needs You!
Any Bobs in the audience? Are you a boss Bob?
Bob Orders Bruce?
Bruce? Brutally Really Underpaid Corporate Employee
I had a Neighbour named Colin: Colin Only Likes Interesting Neighbours
or Colin Only Likes Interac Now
He loves his garage: Garage A Regular Area of Guys Especially
What car do you drive?
Do you drive a Honda or a BMW? If so, please leave the room, as my acronyms for them are less than desirable.
Brain Membranes Went and How Often No one Drives Appropriately.
OK, I haven’t had good experience with them, for those that are good drivers with those cars how about this?
Brilliant Machinery Wonder, and Has Only New Drivers Anyway.
OK, there are others on the Net, that I do know but cannot claim to have created
such as Chevrolet, Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips,
but I call them Crud Heaps Every Vehicle Year. Vegas rusted in the showroom!
There are many for Ford, like Fast Only Rolling Downhill, Found On Road Dead, Fix Or Repair Daily,
First On Race Day being a better one, how about For Only Redheaded Debutantes?
Stand Up: Simply Telling Audiences New Deliveries is Understandably Pleasing.
There is a lot of pain and grief in the world
With the recent Terrorism: Terrorist Extremists Rampaging Rebellion Over Religion Is Simply Mad!
I enjoy racing. They have Practice: Practice Racing At Course To Improve Competitiveness Eventually.
They Qualify : Qualifying Usually Accepts Life’s Immediacy For You
They Race: Race Actively Competitively Exceptionally
Before they do that they must Grid, I gridded cars at Mosport and Molson Indy, to get the point across I might say on the PA system: Grid Racecars Immediately Drivers.
Face It Acronyms are all around you. You drive an SUV, Seriously Underrated Vehicles.
Or you use the TTC, Toronto’s Taxi Companies, just kidding.
The Government lives for Acronyms like MTO, and ORC, otherwise known as Misguided Transportation Organization and Overpopulated Realty Commission.
We all need TLC: Taxes Lifted Certainly
You probably eat BLT’s: Brown Lettuce on Toast
You may have AOL: Always Overly Laborious
Or AT&T: Attack with Telephone Today
Who drinks Beer? Beer’s Extra Especially Refreshing, But
Don’t Drive Drunk. Drunk Recluses Underrate Needless Killing
Stay Sober. Sobriety Of Beer Especially Required.
That’s It for Me I’m Done. Done, Over, Now Exiting.
Thank You: Thanks Has A Nice Kharma You Out-rightly Understand
And Goodbye: Good Outstanding Ovations Desired By You Especially.
Alien Life
Originally posted Nov. 18, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
ALIEN LIFE
By John Ross Harvey
What is alien life?
To an immigration officer it is an immigrant.
To a sci-fi aficionado it’s an extra-terrestrial
To an ocean explorer its bottom dwellers
To me it’s everyone who can’t drive
What is it to you?
ALIEN LIFE
By John Ross Harvey
What is alien life?
To an immigration officer it is an immigrant.
To a sci-fi aficionado it’s an extra-terrestrial
To an ocean explorer its bottom dwellers
To me it’s everyone who can’t drive
What is it to you?
Monday, February 13, 2006
Signals
Originally posted October 13, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
SIGNALS
By John Ross Harvey
If you are turning, you should signal.
Common sense
If you’re lane changing, you should signal
Also common sense
If you don’t you’re a moron
You suffer from Directional Deficit Disorder or DDD
It’s an easy illness to defeat
All it requires is the knowledge and ability to find and use a signal.
Not too many people in Toronto have those things
Many suffer needlessly from DDD
And it can worsen
You could develop LLL
Lost Lane Loser syndrome
The inability to merge properly by driving until your lane disappears
It’s very sad when DDD escalates to LLL syndrome
All those poor souls stuck at the barriers, lost on the shoulder
If only they had been treated in time
An even sadder illness is PPCPP
Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putz syndrome
Where the suffering motorists believe that the space between parked cars
Is a passing lane
So sad
I’d like to help those who are suffering
Your signal is on your steering column
Up is right, Down is left, unless you’re in the British Empire
Someday I hope the needless suffering will end
One day there will be a cure
Help end DDD and LLL syndrome
Find a signal stalk today
The life you save may be your own.
SIGNALS
By John Ross Harvey
If you are turning, you should signal.
Common sense
If you’re lane changing, you should signal
Also common sense
If you don’t you’re a moron
You suffer from Directional Deficit Disorder or DDD
It’s an easy illness to defeat
All it requires is the knowledge and ability to find and use a signal.
Not too many people in Toronto have those things
Many suffer needlessly from DDD
And it can worsen
You could develop LLL
Lost Lane Loser syndrome
The inability to merge properly by driving until your lane disappears
It’s very sad when DDD escalates to LLL syndrome
All those poor souls stuck at the barriers, lost on the shoulder
If only they had been treated in time
An even sadder illness is PPCPP
Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putz syndrome
Where the suffering motorists believe that the space between parked cars
Is a passing lane
So sad
I’d like to help those who are suffering
Your signal is on your steering column
Up is right, Down is left, unless you’re in the British Empire
Someday I hope the needless suffering will end
One day there will be a cure
Help end DDD and LLL syndrome
Find a signal stalk today
The life you save may be your own.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Sneezing
Originally posted Oct. 18, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
SNEEZING
By John Ross Harvey
There are many types of sneezes.
The simple quiet sneeze, Achoo!
The louder sneeze, AAAAAAAAAAACCCCHHOOOO!
The continuous sneeze, Achoo, achoo, achoo, achoo, etc.
The apologetic sneeze, ACHOO! Sorry!
The personally excused sneeze, Achoo! Excuse me
The excused by others sneeze, Achoo! Your excused or Gesundheit!
There have been studies that say you lose about 300 brain cells per sneeze.
Is that for a quiet sneeze or a loud sneeze?
Which brain cells, ones that store useful information,
Or ones that store useless information?
How do you know what you lost, you’re too busy sneezing.
I’d prefer to designate which brain cells I lose.
Anything that retains stupid commercials like Old Navy and Klondike bars.
I’d rather not lose the ones that remember good things.
So, if you’re going to sneeze, perhaps think of useless info you want to lose.
If you lost it, it was worth sneezing.
If not you can hope for the next sneeze.
SNEEZING
By John Ross Harvey
There are many types of sneezes.
The simple quiet sneeze, Achoo!
The louder sneeze, AAAAAAAAAAACCCCHHOOOO!
The continuous sneeze, Achoo, achoo, achoo, achoo, etc.
The apologetic sneeze, ACHOO! Sorry!
The personally excused sneeze, Achoo! Excuse me
The excused by others sneeze, Achoo! Your excused or Gesundheit!
There have been studies that say you lose about 300 brain cells per sneeze.
Is that for a quiet sneeze or a loud sneeze?
Which brain cells, ones that store useful information,
Or ones that store useless information?
How do you know what you lost, you’re too busy sneezing.
I’d prefer to designate which brain cells I lose.
Anything that retains stupid commercials like Old Navy and Klondike bars.
I’d rather not lose the ones that remember good things.
So, if you’re going to sneeze, perhaps think of useless info you want to lose.
If you lost it, it was worth sneezing.
If not you can hope for the next sneeze.
Road Signs (Volume 1)
Originally posted July 4, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
ROAD SIGNS
By John Ross Harvey
You’ve seen the LED displays on the highways
Arrive Alive, Don’t Drink and Drive.
Be Courteous, Let Motorists Merge.
They’re not Loud Enough, the Message is Lost.
They should say stuff like this:
Don’t suffer from Directional Deficit Disorder, Read a Road Sign!
Don’t be a Lost Lane Loser, Merge before its Too Late!
Put your Lights On Moron!
We Can’t Read your Mind, Use a Turn Signal!
If You Tailgate, They will BRAKE!
Shoulders are for Losers!
Escape Lanes are for the Other guys, Not you!
If you hear a Siren, Move out of the way Idiot!
Traffic Is Slow, Don’t push your Luck.
Lane Hopping is for Losers!
Get out of Lane 2, Trucks are Pissed at You!
Welcome to Toronto, where Nobody knows How to Drive!
Buy a Snowbrush, Stop Driving a Snowbank!
It’s Raining. Have you found a Light Switch Lately?
It’s Foggy, but you can’t read this.
They’re called Mirrors!
If you hear the Train, your Time is Short!
If you’re turning Right, Don’t use the Left Lane!
Is it your Exit? Pay Attention!
That Flashing Red Light is for You!
Speed Trap Ahead! Made you Look!
ROAD SIGNS
By John Ross Harvey
You’ve seen the LED displays on the highways
Arrive Alive, Don’t Drink and Drive.
Be Courteous, Let Motorists Merge.
They’re not Loud Enough, the Message is Lost.
They should say stuff like this:
Don’t suffer from Directional Deficit Disorder, Read a Road Sign!
Don’t be a Lost Lane Loser, Merge before its Too Late!
Put your Lights On Moron!
We Can’t Read your Mind, Use a Turn Signal!
If You Tailgate, They will BRAKE!
Shoulders are for Losers!
Escape Lanes are for the Other guys, Not you!
If you hear a Siren, Move out of the way Idiot!
Traffic Is Slow, Don’t push your Luck.
Lane Hopping is for Losers!
Get out of Lane 2, Trucks are Pissed at You!
Welcome to Toronto, where Nobody knows How to Drive!
Buy a Snowbrush, Stop Driving a Snowbank!
It’s Raining. Have you found a Light Switch Lately?
It’s Foggy, but you can’t read this.
They’re called Mirrors!
If you hear the Train, your Time is Short!
If you’re turning Right, Don’t use the Left Lane!
Is it your Exit? Pay Attention!
That Flashing Red Light is for You!
Speed Trap Ahead! Made you Look!
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Automobile Slogans
Originally posted July 6, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
AUTOMOBILE SLOGANS
By John Ross Harvey
All carmakers have slogans
You’ve heard them
But what do they mean?
Chevy: Like a Rock!
Completely devoid of Beauty whatsoever.
Pontiac: Built for Drivers.
That cannot find a light switch.
VW: Drivers Wanted!
Because they haven’t got any yet.
Dodge: Grab life by the Horns.
Prepare to die in our vehicle instead.
Mercedes-Benz: Engineered to move the Human Spirit.
For an Arm, leg, and other appendages.
Honda: The Power of Dreams.
Keep dreaming kid this isn’t a Ferrari
Acura: Precision Crafted Performance
A really expensive Honda
Volvo: For Life
You have kids and this is your wagon
Subaru: When you Get it, You Get it
Our commercials are bad
Ford: Have you Driven a Ford Lately?
Stop buying Chevys
BMW: The Ultimate Driving Machine
For Idiots than can afford it but cannot drive
Jaguar: Unleash a Jaguar
Buy lots of oil, the trail is your leash
Jeep: There’s Only One
But we keep getting copied
Hyundai: Drive Your Way
We’re so cheap you can take your pick
Lexus: The Passionate Pursuit of Perfection
With a Price to Match
Porsche: There is No Substitute
Speed, and good looks, babe magnet baby!
Oldsmobile: This is not your Father’s Oldsmobile
But our technology is that old
Cadillac: Break Through
Our styling is unique
Saab: Find Your Own Road
Saabs are that Ugly.
AUTOMOBILE SLOGANS
By John Ross Harvey
All carmakers have slogans
You’ve heard them
But what do they mean?
Chevy: Like a Rock!
Completely devoid of Beauty whatsoever.
Pontiac: Built for Drivers.
That cannot find a light switch.
VW: Drivers Wanted!
Because they haven’t got any yet.
Dodge: Grab life by the Horns.
Prepare to die in our vehicle instead.
Mercedes-Benz: Engineered to move the Human Spirit.
For an Arm, leg, and other appendages.
Honda: The Power of Dreams.
Keep dreaming kid this isn’t a Ferrari
Acura: Precision Crafted Performance
A really expensive Honda
Volvo: For Life
You have kids and this is your wagon
Subaru: When you Get it, You Get it
Our commercials are bad
Ford: Have you Driven a Ford Lately?
Stop buying Chevys
BMW: The Ultimate Driving Machine
For Idiots than can afford it but cannot drive
Jaguar: Unleash a Jaguar
Buy lots of oil, the trail is your leash
Jeep: There’s Only One
But we keep getting copied
Hyundai: Drive Your Way
We’re so cheap you can take your pick
Lexus: The Passionate Pursuit of Perfection
With a Price to Match
Porsche: There is No Substitute
Speed, and good looks, babe magnet baby!
Oldsmobile: This is not your Father’s Oldsmobile
But our technology is that old
Cadillac: Break Through
Our styling is unique
Saab: Find Your Own Road
Saabs are that Ugly.
Country Music
Originally posted July 7, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
COUNTRY MUSIC
By John Ross Harvey
In the old days, rock & roll was sinful,
Teaching you about sex, and drugs, and alcohol.
Now that you’re older you have more refined tastes.
You listen to Country.
It has songs about, sex, drugs, and alcohol.
Lots of alcohol.
There’s the double suicide drinking song: “Whiskey Lullaby”
There’s party hour song: “It’s 5-oclock somewhere”
There’s the anthem: “The world needs a drink”
There’s that first sexual experience: “That Summer”
There’s that wild sexual experience: “Ride a cowboy”
There’s the forbidden sexual experience “ I may hate myself in the morning”
There’s the choice song: “Drugs or Jesus”
Yup, it’s much more civilized.
So why don’t teenagers listen to it?
I guess they don’t drink or have sex anymore.
That can only be a good thing.
COUNTRY MUSIC
By John Ross Harvey
In the old days, rock & roll was sinful,
Teaching you about sex, and drugs, and alcohol.
Now that you’re older you have more refined tastes.
You listen to Country.
It has songs about, sex, drugs, and alcohol.
Lots of alcohol.
There’s the double suicide drinking song: “Whiskey Lullaby”
There’s party hour song: “It’s 5-oclock somewhere”
There’s the anthem: “The world needs a drink”
There’s that first sexual experience: “That Summer”
There’s that wild sexual experience: “Ride a cowboy”
There’s the forbidden sexual experience “ I may hate myself in the morning”
There’s the choice song: “Drugs or Jesus”
Yup, it’s much more civilized.
So why don’t teenagers listen to it?
I guess they don’t drink or have sex anymore.
That can only be a good thing.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Star Trek
Originally posted July 26, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
STAR TREK
By John Ross Harvey
Who here likes Star Trek?
If you like Kirk, you’re a Trekkie
If you like Picard, you’re a Trekker
So I’m a Trekkie Trekker
Can anyone do the Vulcan salute? (show hand)
I’m Bilingual Vulcan (both hands)
I haven’t mastered the Neck Pinch (grabs neck)
If Kirk has an away team he brings Spock, Bones, and a Red Shirt.
You know, the guy who’s gonna die!
That leaves Scotty, Chekov, and Sulu in command.
The Japanese know warfare, that’s good.
The Russians know warfare, if the equipment is 30 years older.
The Scots, just paint his face blue, and wear a kilt,
Ain’t nobody gonna attack this ship! (use Scottish accent)
Now, Picard wears a Red Shirt. Isn’t that wrong?
He’ll bring Riker and Geordi on an away mission. That leaves Data in charge.
Why would he bring the ship’s repairman?
How many ships is he gonna repair on the planet?
Can you really Trust an Android?
Think about it.
Hey, Klingon wants to die in battle, I can’t die, let’s kill everyone!
STAR TREK
By John Ross Harvey
Who here likes Star Trek?
If you like Kirk, you’re a Trekkie
If you like Picard, you’re a Trekker
So I’m a Trekkie Trekker
Can anyone do the Vulcan salute? (show hand)
I’m Bilingual Vulcan (both hands)
I haven’t mastered the Neck Pinch (grabs neck)
If Kirk has an away team he brings Spock, Bones, and a Red Shirt.
You know, the guy who’s gonna die!
That leaves Scotty, Chekov, and Sulu in command.
The Japanese know warfare, that’s good.
The Russians know warfare, if the equipment is 30 years older.
The Scots, just paint his face blue, and wear a kilt,
Ain’t nobody gonna attack this ship! (use Scottish accent)
Now, Picard wears a Red Shirt. Isn’t that wrong?
He’ll bring Riker and Geordi on an away mission. That leaves Data in charge.
Why would he bring the ship’s repairman?
How many ships is he gonna repair on the planet?
Can you really Trust an Android?
Think about it.
Hey, Klingon wants to die in battle, I can’t die, let’s kill everyone!
Frank & Gordon
FRANK & GORDON
By John Ross Harvey
Bell Canada in their Ultimate wisdom
Have opted to promote the Olympics
With a pair of beavers
Frank & Gordon
They line up for auditions
They have their audition
They get the gig
They have a website
Now they want a day
I say, give it to them
Beavers deserve a day as they work
Groundhogs just stop by
Raccoons topple garbage cans
Pigeons use your car for target practice
But Beavers are in a blockbuster movie
Lion, Witch, & the Wardrobe.
But that wasn’t Frank & Gordon.
Sign up, help them out.
It won’t work; we still don’t have a day off in June
Labatt couldn’t make that happen
National Beer Day didn’t sit well
Maybe National Beaver Day would? Or wood?
Get it.
By John Ross Harvey
Bell Canada in their Ultimate wisdom
Have opted to promote the Olympics
With a pair of beavers
Frank & Gordon
They line up for auditions
They have their audition
They get the gig
They have a website
Now they want a day
I say, give it to them
Beavers deserve a day as they work
Groundhogs just stop by
Raccoons topple garbage cans
Pigeons use your car for target practice
But Beavers are in a blockbuster movie
Lion, Witch, & the Wardrobe.
But that wasn’t Frank & Gordon.
Sign up, help them out.
It won’t work; we still don’t have a day off in June
Labatt couldn’t make that happen
National Beer Day didn’t sit well
Maybe National Beaver Day would? Or wood?
Get it.
Junk Email
Originally posted Aug. 9 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
JUNK EMAIL
By John Ross Harvey
I’m sure you’ve all received your fair share of junk emails.
Install this patch. Hello. Please read attached file.
I am a Nigerian dictator, looking to secure funds in North America
Sunglasses for sale real cheap
I am an importer and will pay you to market my products.
There’s always the bank account information these guys want.
How many people are this stupid?
Oh the dictator said he’d give me $10,000,000 if I gave him my account #.
The importer would pay me $1,000,000 after I gave him my account #
The patch was necessary to install so I wouldn’t have the virus it gave me.
It said Microsoft!
Sunglasses don’t disappear too often for me, so I don’t need any on sale.
If it has an email address you know, be doubly suspicious, call that person
Did you send me an email? I believe it’s a virus, is it your doing?
Generally they will deny authoring the said email, as they didn’t send it.
Hackers hijack any data they can find, email addresses, web pages etc.
So to better protect yourself you need a tougher name to spell.
A hacker is more likely to be Joe Smith than Zaphod Beeblebrox.
I’ve always wanted to be named Xanadu Xylophone, ……honest.
JUNK EMAIL
By John Ross Harvey
I’m sure you’ve all received your fair share of junk emails.
Install this patch. Hello. Please read attached file.
I am a Nigerian dictator, looking to secure funds in North America
Sunglasses for sale real cheap
I am an importer and will pay you to market my products.
There’s always the bank account information these guys want.
How many people are this stupid?
Oh the dictator said he’d give me $10,000,000 if I gave him my account #.
The importer would pay me $1,000,000 after I gave him my account #
The patch was necessary to install so I wouldn’t have the virus it gave me.
It said Microsoft!
Sunglasses don’t disappear too often for me, so I don’t need any on sale.
If it has an email address you know, be doubly suspicious, call that person
Did you send me an email? I believe it’s a virus, is it your doing?
Generally they will deny authoring the said email, as they didn’t send it.
Hackers hijack any data they can find, email addresses, web pages etc.
So to better protect yourself you need a tougher name to spell.
A hacker is more likely to be Joe Smith than Zaphod Beeblebrox.
I’ve always wanted to be named Xanadu Xylophone, ……honest.
Insurance
Originally posted Aug.2 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
INSURANCE
By John Ross Harvey
First of all, how many Mafia dons are here?
Great none.
How many mafia hit men are here?
Great 100. OK. If you wouldn’t mind leaving for about 3 minutes.
Are they gone yet?
What is the business of the Mafia?
Protection money.
What is protection money?
Insurance!
What do you hate paying for?
Insurance.
What are the richest companies?
Insurance.
Where else do you pay for something you may never need?
And when you need it, end up paying more.
Insurance is a rip-off.
Especially car insurance.
I hear a few cheers there.
Bloodsucking vampires.
The world would be a better place without Insurance.
Just don’t tell them that, or you may be wearing concrete shoes.
INSURANCE
By John Ross Harvey
First of all, how many Mafia dons are here?
Great none.
How many mafia hit men are here?
Great 100. OK. If you wouldn’t mind leaving for about 3 minutes.
Are they gone yet?
What is the business of the Mafia?
Protection money.
What is protection money?
Insurance!
What do you hate paying for?
Insurance.
What are the richest companies?
Insurance.
Where else do you pay for something you may never need?
And when you need it, end up paying more.
Insurance is a rip-off.
Especially car insurance.
I hear a few cheers there.
Bloodsucking vampires.
The world would be a better place without Insurance.
Just don’t tell them that, or you may be wearing concrete shoes.
PT Cruisers
Originally posted Aug.3 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
PT CRUISERS
By John Ross Harvey
You’ve all seen PT Cruisers. Yes? No?
They’re a Retro 30’s look body on a Neon chassis.
Oh, sorry an SX2.0 Chassis.
My wife has always insisted they are Mafia cars.
Black ones are for Mafia funerals
White ones are for Weddings of the Mafia.
I think I should come up with a few more choices for other colours.
Purple Cruisers are Wine Dons.
Gold Cruisers are Casino Dons
Red Cruisers own Ferrari, well it is Italian.
Blue Cruisers own Ford.
Have you driven a Ford lately?
Yellow Cruisers are selling Ethanol (made from Corn) to Environmentalists.
Orange Cruisers own Florida
They do vote rather strangely.
What about Grey Cruisers?
They must own everyone else’s cars.
They’re in Insurance!
PT CRUISERS
By John Ross Harvey
You’ve all seen PT Cruisers. Yes? No?
They’re a Retro 30’s look body on a Neon chassis.
Oh, sorry an SX2.0 Chassis.
My wife has always insisted they are Mafia cars.
Black ones are for Mafia funerals
White ones are for Weddings of the Mafia.
I think I should come up with a few more choices for other colours.
Purple Cruisers are Wine Dons.
Gold Cruisers are Casino Dons
Red Cruisers own Ferrari, well it is Italian.
Blue Cruisers own Ford.
Have you driven a Ford lately?
Yellow Cruisers are selling Ethanol (made from Corn) to Environmentalists.
Orange Cruisers own Florida
They do vote rather strangely.
What about Grey Cruisers?
They must own everyone else’s cars.
They’re in Insurance!
Stephen Segal Movies
Originally posted Sept. 1 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
STEPHEN SEGAL MOVIES
By John Ross Harvey
Ever wonder why Stephen Segal movies sound the same?
Above The Law
Marked For Death
Under Siege
Three syllables in practically all his movies
The limit of his lines in the movies.
But how about some more potential Stephen Segal titles?
I Can’t Act
I Made Millions
I Fight Good
I Talk Weird
My Fists Hurt
About That Raise
I Aint Sly
My Arm Hurts
My Leg Broke
See My Shoe
Eat My Ring
Break Your Tooth
Hi I’m Steve
Steve Segal
This could go on forever, if you want more I’ll post Volume II, and even III.
STEPHEN SEGAL MOVIES
By John Ross Harvey
Ever wonder why Stephen Segal movies sound the same?
Above The Law
Marked For Death
Under Siege
Three syllables in practically all his movies
The limit of his lines in the movies.
But how about some more potential Stephen Segal titles?
I Can’t Act
I Made Millions
I Fight Good
I Talk Weird
My Fists Hurt
About That Raise
I Aint Sly
My Arm Hurts
My Leg Broke
See My Shoe
Eat My Ring
Break Your Tooth
Hi I’m Steve
Steve Segal
This could go on forever, if you want more I’ll post Volume II, and even III.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Favourite TV Shows of Each Decade
FAVOURITE TV SHOWS OF EACH DECADE
By John Ross Harvey
1966-69:
Very likely Sesame Street (did not know Star Trek until later)
1970-79:
I know I watched a lot of Scooby Doo and Spiderman
Hee Haw was on in those days
I later came to enjoy Rockford Files, and Barney Miller
All in the Family, and the Jefferson’s, and Maude, and MTM
I think The Incredible Hulk was around then too.
The best though was Columbo. Try 90-minute shows today!
1980-89:
The car shows were big then
Dukes of Hazzard, Knight Rider, Hardcastle & McCormack,
Spenser For Hire and Vegas (same guy).
Helicopter shows too
Magnum P.I. (forget the Ferrari, I want T.C’s chopper),
Riptide’s Screaming Mimi, Blue Thunder after the film,
And the best ever Airwolf (Stringfellow, not St. Jean)!
The Cosby show was big, as was Family Ties, and Cheers,
But the best was Star Trek The Next Generation
1990-99:
Star Trek ruled this decade, with TNG, Voyager, and films.
Seinfeld was a waste of time to me,
Mad About You was much better, even Frasier too.
Friends, ER, and many more great shows started
Like the best written show of its time Sports Night
And West Wing written by the same guy.
2000-now:
Enterprise was promising, but later failed to deliver.
Many have joined the Law & Order and CSI franchises
I have not
Many enjoy the Desperate Housewives,
While they are all attractive, I don’t watch it.
My obsession is LOST!
4,8,15,16,23,42………………..I want more!
Locke, this is the coolest man on TV.
Hurley best line ever on TV: “Yo! French chick.”
Jack could be the leader of this group of misfits
But Walt is the one with power.
Now we have new characters like Mr. Eko
By far the most thought provoking show ever.
What did you watch?
By John Ross Harvey
1966-69:
Very likely Sesame Street (did not know Star Trek until later)
1970-79:
I know I watched a lot of Scooby Doo and Spiderman
Hee Haw was on in those days
I later came to enjoy Rockford Files, and Barney Miller
All in the Family, and the Jefferson’s, and Maude, and MTM
I think The Incredible Hulk was around then too.
The best though was Columbo. Try 90-minute shows today!
1980-89:
The car shows were big then
Dukes of Hazzard, Knight Rider, Hardcastle & McCormack,
Spenser For Hire and Vegas (same guy).
Helicopter shows too
Magnum P.I. (forget the Ferrari, I want T.C’s chopper),
Riptide’s Screaming Mimi, Blue Thunder after the film,
And the best ever Airwolf (Stringfellow, not St. Jean)!
The Cosby show was big, as was Family Ties, and Cheers,
But the best was Star Trek The Next Generation
1990-99:
Star Trek ruled this decade, with TNG, Voyager, and films.
Seinfeld was a waste of time to me,
Mad About You was much better, even Frasier too.
Friends, ER, and many more great shows started
Like the best written show of its time Sports Night
And West Wing written by the same guy.
2000-now:
Enterprise was promising, but later failed to deliver.
Many have joined the Law & Order and CSI franchises
I have not
Many enjoy the Desperate Housewives,
While they are all attractive, I don’t watch it.
My obsession is LOST!
4,8,15,16,23,42………………..I want more!
Locke, this is the coolest man on TV.
Hurley best line ever on TV: “Yo! French chick.”
Jack could be the leader of this group of misfits
But Walt is the one with power.
Now we have new characters like Mr. Eko
By far the most thought provoking show ever.
What did you watch?
Don't Quit Your Day Job
DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB
By John Ross Harvey
You’ve heard the expression
When you watch American Idol you know what it means.
Not many mechanics can sing.
But I have a particular request of people
That re-wires their taillights on their cars.
Hire an Electrician!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More often than not while driving on the highways
At night, in the rain, or snow, or fog
Many motorists have decided they know
How to wire their own taillights.
When they brake, they turn off
Or the reverse lights come on
Or the high mount brake light turns off!
The only saving grace they have is they actually used the switch.
Don’t re-wire your taillights
You obviously cannot do it.
It’s not your day job.
By John Ross Harvey
You’ve heard the expression
When you watch American Idol you know what it means.
Not many mechanics can sing.
But I have a particular request of people
That re-wires their taillights on their cars.
Hire an Electrician!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More often than not while driving on the highways
At night, in the rain, or snow, or fog
Many motorists have decided they know
How to wire their own taillights.
When they brake, they turn off
Or the reverse lights come on
Or the high mount brake light turns off!
The only saving grace they have is they actually used the switch.
Don’t re-wire your taillights
You obviously cannot do it.
It’s not your day job.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Obsessions
OBSESSIONS
By John Ross Harvey
What is an obsession?
Is a hobby?
Is it a criminal act?
If you follow a celebrity around,
Are you certifiably insane, or just a stalker?
If you collect things like matches,
Are you a packrat or just an arsonist?
Obviously some people take collections seriously
But are they really obsessed?
I on the other hand must be.
I drive in Traffic; write about Traffic, and to top it off
Made a Traffic board game.
Yes, I am on a Traffic Committee.
But I don’t traffic anything.
Perhaps I should?
By John Ross Harvey
What is an obsession?
Is a hobby?
Is it a criminal act?
If you follow a celebrity around,
Are you certifiably insane, or just a stalker?
If you collect things like matches,
Are you a packrat or just an arsonist?
Obviously some people take collections seriously
But are they really obsessed?
I on the other hand must be.
I drive in Traffic; write about Traffic, and to top it off
Made a Traffic board game.
Yes, I am on a Traffic Committee.
But I don’t traffic anything.
Perhaps I should?
SNOW
Originally posted Dec. 18 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
SNOW
By John Ross Harvey
If you’ve read this blog a few times
You’ll know where its title comes from
Snow covered motorists
The Three Forces of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks
Defroster Dunces and the
Wipers Only Brigade
You should not drive a snowbank
Defroster Lines have limited vision
Wipers don’t clean your car
Snow on rooves annoy motorists behind
Snow on hoods (bonnets) annoy yourself
Due to continuous spray
Snow on windows and mirrors
Prevent visibility
Snow on wiper controls prevent
The ability to wash your windows
Snow on grilles prevent air from
Cooling your overheated engine
Snow on tires and wheel wells
Prevent good traction and accurate steering
Transport trucks, vans, and SUV’s
Must clean rooves
Giant chunks of icy snow from
Rooves of taller vehicles
Is Deadly
And it’s equally so on Cars too
So I ask the question
Do you drive this poorly?
If so, why?
Are you a snow dwelling life form?
With limited need for vision and safety
Or are you just an unsafe driver
The world will be a better place
If these snow dwellers cease to exist.
I have one word for them
SNOWBRUSH
Snow Not On Windows Brush Remainder Unbelievably Simple Huh?
SNOW
By John Ross Harvey
If you’ve read this blog a few times
You’ll know where its title comes from
Snow covered motorists
The Three Forces of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks
Defroster Dunces and the
Wipers Only Brigade
You should not drive a snowbank
Defroster Lines have limited vision
Wipers don’t clean your car
Snow on rooves annoy motorists behind
Snow on hoods (bonnets) annoy yourself
Due to continuous spray
Snow on windows and mirrors
Prevent visibility
Snow on wiper controls prevent
The ability to wash your windows
Snow on grilles prevent air from
Cooling your overheated engine
Snow on tires and wheel wells
Prevent good traction and accurate steering
Transport trucks, vans, and SUV’s
Must clean rooves
Giant chunks of icy snow from
Rooves of taller vehicles
Is Deadly
And it’s equally so on Cars too
So I ask the question
Do you drive this poorly?
If so, why?
Are you a snow dwelling life form?
With limited need for vision and safety
Or are you just an unsafe driver
The world will be a better place
If these snow dwellers cease to exist.
I have one word for them
SNOWBRUSH
Snow Not On Windows Brush Remainder Unbelievably Simple Huh?
Escalators
Originally posted Dec. 10 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
ESCALATORS
By John Ross Harvey
Escalators are essentially
Moving Stairs
Something normal stairs are
To Heelie wearers
Sometimes they are not stairs
And called Movators
Like at Airports, Loblaws, and Spadina subway
Not a Motivator
There are rules to these
If you stand, stay to the right
If you walk go on the left
So why do people stand on the left?
Do they not know that,
Arnold Schwarzenegger needs to
Catch that Alien intruder with his
Sub-Machine gun/blaster ray
I’d already be out of his way
On the right
They’d be his shield when the
Alien fires back
Should’ve learned the rules!
ESCALATORS
By John Ross Harvey
Escalators are essentially
Moving Stairs
Something normal stairs are
To Heelie wearers
Sometimes they are not stairs
And called Movators
Like at Airports, Loblaws, and Spadina subway
Not a Motivator
There are rules to these
If you stand, stay to the right
If you walk go on the left
So why do people stand on the left?
Do they not know that,
Arnold Schwarzenegger needs to
Catch that Alien intruder with his
Sub-Machine gun/blaster ray
I’d already be out of his way
On the right
They’d be his shield when the
Alien fires back
Should’ve learned the rules!
Sunday, February 05, 2006
New Cars
Originally posted Aug. 8 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
NEW CARS
By John Ross Harvey
You’ve seen them, new cars, white taillights.
WHY?????????
They brake PINK!
Is this what a man wants?
Do you like Pink Taillights?
Do you have Pink Taillights?
CHANGING THEM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some have black taillights.
That works real well in the dark when they are needed.
What’s with Daytimers?
They are useless. If it’s sunny outside they are OK.
If it’s grey or dark outside, they are useless.
They should be called Dumbtimers.
Only the dumb people use these in poor light conditions
Like rain, Fog, Snow or Darkness!
They should be called Couch Potato Lights.
Nobody knows how to flick a switch.
Sometimes they are parking lights.
When are these useful?
The car is off when parked.
You don’t park while driving.
Why do parking lights even exist?
Then you have the guys that buy the SUV’s
And spend just as much to make them lowriders
So they are no longer SUV’s.
Well in the sense you know they aren’t
But they remain Seriously Ugly Vehicles
Why do cars have numbers and letters these days?
323 DX and LS and SE and G6 and ES
Whatever happened to GTO, LTD and 914?
NEW CARS
By John Ross Harvey
You’ve seen them, new cars, white taillights.
WHY?????????
They brake PINK!
Is this what a man wants?
Do you like Pink Taillights?
Do you have Pink Taillights?
CHANGING THEM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some have black taillights.
That works real well in the dark when they are needed.
What’s with Daytimers?
They are useless. If it’s sunny outside they are OK.
If it’s grey or dark outside, they are useless.
They should be called Dumbtimers.
Only the dumb people use these in poor light conditions
Like rain, Fog, Snow or Darkness!
They should be called Couch Potato Lights.
Nobody knows how to flick a switch.
Sometimes they are parking lights.
When are these useful?
The car is off when parked.
You don’t park while driving.
Why do parking lights even exist?
Then you have the guys that buy the SUV’s
And spend just as much to make them lowriders
So they are no longer SUV’s.
Well in the sense you know they aren’t
But they remain Seriously Ugly Vehicles
Why do cars have numbers and letters these days?
323 DX and LS and SE and G6 and ES
Whatever happened to GTO, LTD and 914?
Time
Originally posted Aug. 16 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
TIME
By John Ross Harvey
We can all relate to time.
You have it or you don’t.
You need it, or you don’t.
Or you’ve lost it.
How many people have watches that go berserk?
You lose batteries, time, and watches regularly?
I do, it’s my magnetic field.
To avoid this I use a belt clip watch, so far, so good.
Anybody confused with Time zones?
Why do they exist, and who came up with it?
My ancestor came up with it.
Sir Sanford Fleming got fed up changing his watch in every city he went to.
Apparently before the 1 hour time zones, or ½ hour in Newfoundland
Every city set their clock at high noon whenever the sun was high in the sky.
So Kingston was 12 minutes ahead of Toronto, and behind Montreal
That poor guy that went around the world in 80 days.
Is he sure it took that long?
The time altering would have driven him nuts.
So, if you really hate time zones, and your mad at me
Because my ancestor made them, don’t be
It could be much worse.
Now who has had to explain time to a child?
Dave Allen said it best
Time has three hands,
The first is the hour hand
The second is the minute hand
And the third is the second hand
For now, we’ll just use two hands.
Then you get the scientific analysis that time is the 4th dimension.
We all know the Twilight zone is the 5th.
If you believe Rod Serling.
TIME
By John Ross Harvey
We can all relate to time.
You have it or you don’t.
You need it, or you don’t.
Or you’ve lost it.
How many people have watches that go berserk?
You lose batteries, time, and watches regularly?
I do, it’s my magnetic field.
To avoid this I use a belt clip watch, so far, so good.
Anybody confused with Time zones?
Why do they exist, and who came up with it?
My ancestor came up with it.
Sir Sanford Fleming got fed up changing his watch in every city he went to.
Apparently before the 1 hour time zones, or ½ hour in Newfoundland
Every city set their clock at high noon whenever the sun was high in the sky.
So Kingston was 12 minutes ahead of Toronto, and behind Montreal
That poor guy that went around the world in 80 days.
Is he sure it took that long?
The time altering would have driven him nuts.
So, if you really hate time zones, and your mad at me
Because my ancestor made them, don’t be
It could be much worse.
Now who has had to explain time to a child?
Dave Allen said it best
Time has three hands,
The first is the hour hand
The second is the minute hand
And the third is the second hand
For now, we’ll just use two hands.
Then you get the scientific analysis that time is the 4th dimension.
We all know the Twilight zone is the 5th.
If you believe Rod Serling.
Math the Universal Language
Originally posted Nov. 1 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
MATH THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE
By John Ross Harvey
Math it has often been said is the Universal language
All spoken languages treat Math the same
Even if it sounds different
Like 2+2=4 will always be that
It just may sound like deux plus deux egal quatre
But it’s not as Universal as you may think
Several countries notate thousands with commas
And decimals with points
As in 10,462.789
But in others they do it opposite to that
As is 10.462,789
These numbers are the same, but written differently
Neither is wrong
The Eastern Way or the Western Way
Or maybe it’s Southern vs. Northern
It’s WAR in the Math Realm!
That guy from the West doesn’t like commas for decimals
We of the East must defend our right to commas
He must die for being an infidel to proper Math
Greece, Egypt, Babylon, and Rome were East
They likely discovered Math
But Math is the Universal language
Apparently Not!
Maybe the Western World is Wrong
So that’s what WWW really means!
MATH THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE
By John Ross Harvey
Math it has often been said is the Universal language
All spoken languages treat Math the same
Even if it sounds different
Like 2+2=4 will always be that
It just may sound like deux plus deux egal quatre
But it’s not as Universal as you may think
Several countries notate thousands with commas
And decimals with points
As in 10,462.789
But in others they do it opposite to that
As is 10.462,789
These numbers are the same, but written differently
Neither is wrong
The Eastern Way or the Western Way
Or maybe it’s Southern vs. Northern
It’s WAR in the Math Realm!
That guy from the West doesn’t like commas for decimals
We of the East must defend our right to commas
He must die for being an infidel to proper Math
Greece, Egypt, Babylon, and Rome were East
They likely discovered Math
But Math is the Universal language
Apparently Not!
Maybe the Western World is Wrong
So that’s what WWW really means!
The Garage
Originally posted Jan. 14 2006 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
THE GARAGE
By John Ross Harvey
The garage is a man’s place
He must fill it with junk
He must clean it from junk
He must buy tools and store them
He will leave them all over the garage
He will find them when he cleans it
He will forget ever having them
He will already have a new one for Christmas
Because he forgot what he lost
In the garage
THE GARAGE
By John Ross Harvey
The garage is a man’s place
He must fill it with junk
He must clean it from junk
He must buy tools and store them
He will leave them all over the garage
He will find them when he cleans it
He will forget ever having them
He will already have a new one for Christmas
Because he forgot what he lost
In the garage
Elevators
Originally posted Nov. 28 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
ELEVATORS
By John Ross Harvey
Elevators are neat
They are more fun than stairs
At least without the music
There are several kinds of elevators
Hydraulic which is a large post assembly
That can work for only a few floors
Geared which can work for a few more floors
And Gearless, which is perhaps limitless
But those two use cables and counterweights
Don’t ever believe the movies
It’s unlikely you can hop on the roof after
Popping a ceiling tile
They usually forget the counterweight
It of course travels opposite to the elevator cabin
On a high-speed elevator, it’s high speed too.
Science Fiction writers like Arthur C. Clarke and others
Write about Space Elevators
Diamond Filament constructed towers
Anchored at Geosynchronous Orbit at 36,000 ft. or so
Above Sea Level
Though I believe such a structure is possible
And Diamond filaments should be strong enough
How in the world is a Structural Engineer
Going to design one
It’s not like Diamond filament is readily available
Or cost effective
We better start compressing Coal
Diamond is an advanced stage of Coal
But don’t expect them to work in a Barbecue
Perhaps a transporter would be a better option
36,000 ft diamond tower
Or several trillion gigabytes of DNA data
The person who figures that out
Would be a genius
Then we wouldn’t need elevators
And MUSAK would die
Yeah!
ELEVATORS
By John Ross Harvey
Elevators are neat
They are more fun than stairs
At least without the music
There are several kinds of elevators
Hydraulic which is a large post assembly
That can work for only a few floors
Geared which can work for a few more floors
And Gearless, which is perhaps limitless
But those two use cables and counterweights
Don’t ever believe the movies
It’s unlikely you can hop on the roof after
Popping a ceiling tile
They usually forget the counterweight
It of course travels opposite to the elevator cabin
On a high-speed elevator, it’s high speed too.
Science Fiction writers like Arthur C. Clarke and others
Write about Space Elevators
Diamond Filament constructed towers
Anchored at Geosynchronous Orbit at 36,000 ft. or so
Above Sea Level
Though I believe such a structure is possible
And Diamond filaments should be strong enough
How in the world is a Structural Engineer
Going to design one
It’s not like Diamond filament is readily available
Or cost effective
We better start compressing Coal
Diamond is an advanced stage of Coal
But don’t expect them to work in a Barbecue
Perhaps a transporter would be a better option
36,000 ft diamond tower
Or several trillion gigabytes of DNA data
The person who figures that out
Would be a genius
Then we wouldn’t need elevators
And MUSAK would die
Yeah!
Movie Posters
Originally posted Sept. 23, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
MOVIE POSTERS
By John Ross Harvey
Just once when I see a movie poster
I’d like to see the correct person under his or her own name
Every poster I’ve seen with 3 people on it
Has 2 of them with the names switched
Most recently advertising its new DVD was Sahara
Steve Zahn’s name was above Penelope Cruz
Penelope’s name was above Steve, or was it Steve, who is Steve?
Batman was Jack Nicholson’s name above Michael Keaton
Pierce Brosnan’s name may have been above Halle Berry in their Bond flick
Actor status should not dictate the banner
The picture should
But then we’re asking salespeople to design
They don’t get commission for that
MOVIE POSTERS
By John Ross Harvey
Just once when I see a movie poster
I’d like to see the correct person under his or her own name
Every poster I’ve seen with 3 people on it
Has 2 of them with the names switched
Most recently advertising its new DVD was Sahara
Steve Zahn’s name was above Penelope Cruz
Penelope’s name was above Steve, or was it Steve, who is Steve?
Batman was Jack Nicholson’s name above Michael Keaton
Pierce Brosnan’s name may have been above Halle Berry in their Bond flick
Actor status should not dictate the banner
The picture should
But then we’re asking salespeople to design
They don’t get commission for that
Weather
originally posted June 28, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
WEATHER
By John Ross Harvey
Weather is a funny thing.
It makes many people look really stupid.
Let’s play golf in a thunderstorm!
Let’s drive a snow bank!
Let’s go swimming in the river!
Ok, maybe it’s not so funny
But it is very stupid.
Personally I love a good thunderstorm
I’ll sit out on my porch to watch it.
It’s a bit uncomfortable if the wind blows into the porch.
I love driving in a thunderstorm as much as I hate driving in a snowstorm.
Why you ask?
Severe rain will make many drivers realize that they aren’t skilled enough
So they pull over, ……..for me. I know how to drive in it.
Snow on the other hand makes my blood boil over,
As no level of stupidity can be surpassed by drivers in a snowstorm.
They join the Three Forces of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks, Defroster Dunces, and the Wipers Only Brigade.
And they don’t pull over
Because they cannot see!
WEATHER
By John Ross Harvey
Weather is a funny thing.
It makes many people look really stupid.
Let’s play golf in a thunderstorm!
Let’s drive a snow bank!
Let’s go swimming in the river!
Ok, maybe it’s not so funny
But it is very stupid.
Personally I love a good thunderstorm
I’ll sit out on my porch to watch it.
It’s a bit uncomfortable if the wind blows into the porch.
I love driving in a thunderstorm as much as I hate driving in a snowstorm.
Why you ask?
Severe rain will make many drivers realize that they aren’t skilled enough
So they pull over, ……..for me. I know how to drive in it.
Snow on the other hand makes my blood boil over,
As no level of stupidity can be surpassed by drivers in a snowstorm.
They join the Three Forces of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks, Defroster Dunces, and the Wipers Only Brigade.
And they don’t pull over
Because they cannot see!
Saturday, February 04, 2006
TRAFFIC
Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com on June 27, 2005
The post which created the blog name is back
TRAFFIC
By John Ross Harvey
Hi, how’re we all doing?
How many people drive in Toronto?
I despise Toronto drivers, you know like BMW means
Brain Membranes Whacked, and HONDA means How Often Nobody Drives Actually!
How many of you drive a grey or silver shade of car?
Do you ever put your lights on?
Let’s think about this, it’s almost never sunny outside, its rain, its fog, and its overcast.
Grey car, Grey road, Grey sky, No lights, NO SEE!
I’ll bet 95% of car accidents are grey cars nobody even saw.
They should go to Oz and find a Brain, as it isn’t working today.
At night there are people in Black cars with Day (dumb)-timers
Hello! Black car, Black sky, Black road, No lights, NO SEE!
I bet all accidents at night are Black cars you never saw!
No lights at Night, No Brain in Sight.
How many of you drive in the Winter?
Do we have a choice?
How many of you drive a clean car in the winter?
You actually know what a snowbrush is.
You’ve heard of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
People that don’t clear snow are what I call The Three Forces Of Evil.
Mobile Snow banks, Defroster Dunces, and The Wipers Only Brigade!
White cars, White road, White Sky, No Lights, NO SEE!
I bet all accidents in Winter are White cars that may have been another colour if they were clean!
You’ve heard of Hell’s Kitchen?
It’s being stuck in an Intersection when the light changes to green for opposing traffic.
Here’s a hint for you
Don’t cross an intersection you don’t fit
If you do you become a Twit!
If you cannot go through it,
Don’t even do it.
If you can't cross it, don't block it.
You block an intersection,
Your brain does not function.
You ever travel with those guys that go all the way left to go all the way right at the next exit
Or they barrel down the escape lane until its non-existent and hope a hapless fool lets them in.
These people are LLL’s with DDD.
Lost Lane Losers with Directional Deficit Disorder.
They’re the same people that hop between parked cars on a two-lane street.
Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putzes.
You can bet they are BMWs and Hondas
The worst people are the ones that ignore School zones and School buses
What planet are they from?
Anyone that disrespects the rights of children by not obeying the school bus signals
Or slowing down in a school zone is not a Human being.
They must be Aliens.
Have a great night, and stay away from my car!
The post which created the blog name is back
TRAFFIC
By John Ross Harvey
Hi, how’re we all doing?
How many people drive in Toronto?
I despise Toronto drivers, you know like BMW means
Brain Membranes Whacked, and HONDA means How Often Nobody Drives Actually!
How many of you drive a grey or silver shade of car?
Do you ever put your lights on?
Let’s think about this, it’s almost never sunny outside, its rain, its fog, and its overcast.
Grey car, Grey road, Grey sky, No lights, NO SEE!
I’ll bet 95% of car accidents are grey cars nobody even saw.
They should go to Oz and find a Brain, as it isn’t working today.
At night there are people in Black cars with Day (dumb)-timers
Hello! Black car, Black sky, Black road, No lights, NO SEE!
I bet all accidents at night are Black cars you never saw!
No lights at Night, No Brain in Sight.
How many of you drive in the Winter?
Do we have a choice?
How many of you drive a clean car in the winter?
You actually know what a snowbrush is.
You’ve heard of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
People that don’t clear snow are what I call The Three Forces Of Evil.
Mobile Snow banks, Defroster Dunces, and The Wipers Only Brigade!
White cars, White road, White Sky, No Lights, NO SEE!
I bet all accidents in Winter are White cars that may have been another colour if they were clean!
You’ve heard of Hell’s Kitchen?
It’s being stuck in an Intersection when the light changes to green for opposing traffic.
Here’s a hint for you
Don’t cross an intersection you don’t fit
If you do you become a Twit!
If you cannot go through it,
Don’t even do it.
If you can't cross it, don't block it.
You block an intersection,
Your brain does not function.
You ever travel with those guys that go all the way left to go all the way right at the next exit
Or they barrel down the escape lane until its non-existent and hope a hapless fool lets them in.
These people are LLL’s with DDD.
Lost Lane Losers with Directional Deficit Disorder.
They’re the same people that hop between parked cars on a two-lane street.
Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putzes.
You can bet they are BMWs and Hondas
The worst people are the ones that ignore School zones and School buses
What planet are they from?
Anyone that disrespects the rights of children by not obeying the school bus signals
Or slowing down in a school zone is not a Human being.
They must be Aliens.
Have a great night, and stay away from my car!
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Blood Types
Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com on July 27, 2005
BLOOD TYPES
By John Ross Harvey
There are 4 basic blood types
A, B, AB, and O
A can accept blood from A and O
B can accept blood from B and O
AB can accept blood from A, B, AB & O
O can accept blood from just O
Then you have to worry about + or – types
But basically if you’re an AB type, receiving blood is easy
Its not difficult as a match is not required.
Hollywood doesn’t get this. There’s always a story
About a person in need of blood, but has an AB blood type.
An exact match is not required.
O must be matched.
Thankfully the majority of us are O type.
Carnivores.
We prefer steak to vegetables.
Our meat is better bloody.
But wait, what type of blood did the cow have?
Then you have blood doping
A Cyclist claims that an unborn twin’s blood has entered his bloodstream.
Hence duplicating the effect of a blood doping.
This bizarre theory is called a Chimera.
Not only does he claim this, but one of his teammates does also.
Personally I think it’s in that Energy Drink
Why’s it called RED BULL anyway?
BLOOD TYPES
By John Ross Harvey
There are 4 basic blood types
A, B, AB, and O
A can accept blood from A and O
B can accept blood from B and O
AB can accept blood from A, B, AB & O
O can accept blood from just O
Then you have to worry about + or – types
But basically if you’re an AB type, receiving blood is easy
Its not difficult as a match is not required.
Hollywood doesn’t get this. There’s always a story
About a person in need of blood, but has an AB blood type.
An exact match is not required.
O must be matched.
Thankfully the majority of us are O type.
Carnivores.
We prefer steak to vegetables.
Our meat is better bloody.
But wait, what type of blood did the cow have?
Then you have blood doping
A Cyclist claims that an unborn twin’s blood has entered his bloodstream.
Hence duplicating the effect of a blood doping.
This bizarre theory is called a Chimera.
Not only does he claim this, but one of his teammates does also.
Personally I think it’s in that Energy Drink
Why’s it called RED BULL anyway?
Groundhog Day
GROUNDHOG DAY
By John Ross Harvey
It’s official at 8:07am EST
Wiarton Willie saw his shadow!
Spring is around the corner.
What corner?
How long is around the corner?
2 minutes?
A week?
6 weeks?
Probably.
By John Ross Harvey
It’s official at 8:07am EST
Wiarton Willie saw his shadow!
Spring is around the corner.
What corner?
How long is around the corner?
2 minutes?
A week?
6 weeks?
Probably.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
ADVIL
Originally posted July 23, 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
ADVIL
By John Ross Harvey
As a kid, most of use used Bayer Aspirin for headaches.
It was really good in Orange flavour.
Then as you got older Tylenol hit the market.
1 Tylenol could do what 2 Aspirin could.
Then you developed migraines.
2 Tylenol barely cut it.
Then it was 2 Extra Strength Tylenol.
Now its Advil, 1 is usually enough.
But if it hurts real bad take 2.
So 1 Advil is 2 double strength Tylenol that is 4 times an Aspirin.
Each Advil is 8 Aspirins.
2 Advil is normal for a migraine. That’s 16 Aspirins.
So I guess all the kids in school were right.
I am a druggie.
ADVIL
By John Ross Harvey
As a kid, most of use used Bayer Aspirin for headaches.
It was really good in Orange flavour.
Then as you got older Tylenol hit the market.
1 Tylenol could do what 2 Aspirin could.
Then you developed migraines.
2 Tylenol barely cut it.
Then it was 2 Extra Strength Tylenol.
Now its Advil, 1 is usually enough.
But if it hurts real bad take 2.
So 1 Advil is 2 double strength Tylenol that is 4 times an Aspirin.
Each Advil is 8 Aspirins.
2 Advil is normal for a migraine. That’s 16 Aspirins.
So I guess all the kids in school were right.
I am a druggie.
Paper Cuts
Originally posted Aug. 21 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
PAPER CUTS
By John Ross Harvey
Why is it that a paper cut hurts worse than a knife cut?
Cold steel vs. flimsy paper
You would expect a real knife to be very painful.
Yet usually, a simple “Darn it, I’m bleeding!” will suffice.
When paper slices you, every bad word you’ve ever known gets blurted.
Even if you don’t see the blood, it hurts!
Is the absolute flatness of paper what makes it so painful?
I do believe it does, yes.
But there’s more to it.
What is paper made of?
Wood.
What did people use before they discovered steel?
Wood.
So essentially, a paper cut is a wood cut.
A paper cut is equivalent to a splinter.
Splinters hurt like hell!
The worst thing is, you can’t pull a paper splinter out.
It just hurts until you forget about it.
Remember the warnings, never run with scissors.
Change it to never run with paper.
Just my luck, all I do is print and copy papers.
My hands may never heal.
PAPER CUTS
By John Ross Harvey
Why is it that a paper cut hurts worse than a knife cut?
Cold steel vs. flimsy paper
You would expect a real knife to be very painful.
Yet usually, a simple “Darn it, I’m bleeding!” will suffice.
When paper slices you, every bad word you’ve ever known gets blurted.
Even if you don’t see the blood, it hurts!
Is the absolute flatness of paper what makes it so painful?
I do believe it does, yes.
But there’s more to it.
What is paper made of?
Wood.
What did people use before they discovered steel?
Wood.
So essentially, a paper cut is a wood cut.
A paper cut is equivalent to a splinter.
Splinters hurt like hell!
The worst thing is, you can’t pull a paper splinter out.
It just hurts until you forget about it.
Remember the warnings, never run with scissors.
Change it to never run with paper.
Just my luck, all I do is print and copy papers.
My hands may never heal.
Vicious Circle
VICIOUS CIRCLE
By John Ross Harvey
You cannot have this job without Experience
You cannot get Experience without a Job.
You cannot have your Cake and eat it too.
Why not?
What comes around goes around.
Are they sure about that?
Opposites attract.
Maybe in magnetism but life it tends to be the opposite.
Your warranty will expire the day before you need it.
I got lucky and needed it the day before it expired once.
Beggars can’t be choosers.
It’s not like begging is a choice, now is it?
The bigger they are the harder they fall.
But they’re still darn hard to knock down though aren’t they?
To have a car you must have insurance.
To have car insurance you must have a car.
Somewhere in there you’re driving illegally.
Computers go down in price
Everything else goes up.
Gas goes up as soon as you buy it.
Ain’t that the truth?
By John Ross Harvey
You cannot have this job without Experience
You cannot get Experience without a Job.
You cannot have your Cake and eat it too.
Why not?
What comes around goes around.
Are they sure about that?
Opposites attract.
Maybe in magnetism but life it tends to be the opposite.
Your warranty will expire the day before you need it.
I got lucky and needed it the day before it expired once.
Beggars can’t be choosers.
It’s not like begging is a choice, now is it?
The bigger they are the harder they fall.
But they’re still darn hard to knock down though aren’t they?
To have a car you must have insurance.
To have car insurance you must have a car.
Somewhere in there you’re driving illegally.
Computers go down in price
Everything else goes up.
Gas goes up as soon as you buy it.
Ain’t that the truth?
H.O.V. Lanes
originally posted Jan. 10 2006 at threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
H.O.V. LANES
By John Ross Harvey
What seemed like it could be a good idea
High Occupancy Vehicle (H.O.V.) Lanes
Were very poorly designed
In his infinite wisdom
Our Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty
Decided specific highway improvements
Which have not improved traffic
I’ll get back to H.O.V.’s but must first
Discuss Black Creek Drive from Hwy 400
While undergoing road repairs
The reduced lanes worked beautifully
Now that the extra lanes have returned
Traffic is at a standstill
Why you ask?
Blind corner escape lanes that aren’t required.
All these create are escape lane bandits
Rushing to jump ahead in the line
By driving in a lane that doesn’t exist
500m further down
There should be Zero Tolerance for these
Lost Lane Losers
Back to the topic at hand
H.O.V. lanes were recently installed
In the left hand lane of a few highways
How many exit ramps are on the left?????
Extremely few
Whose bright idea was it to make motorists
Using these lanes
To be forced to cut across 3 lanes of traffic
In order to exit the highway??????
Dalton McGuinty that’s who.
The man needs to listen to the public
Despite many letters about Black Creek
This man and his transportation ministry
Completely ignored the Logic
Necessary for that road to actually work
So when is the election?
Not soon enough.
For the record am accident was caused by cutting across from these lanes
on the Don Valley Parkway/404 this morning. Bad, bad, idea.
H.O.V. LANES
By John Ross Harvey
What seemed like it could be a good idea
High Occupancy Vehicle (H.O.V.) Lanes
Were very poorly designed
In his infinite wisdom
Our Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty
Decided specific highway improvements
Which have not improved traffic
I’ll get back to H.O.V.’s but must first
Discuss Black Creek Drive from Hwy 400
While undergoing road repairs
The reduced lanes worked beautifully
Now that the extra lanes have returned
Traffic is at a standstill
Why you ask?
Blind corner escape lanes that aren’t required.
All these create are escape lane bandits
Rushing to jump ahead in the line
By driving in a lane that doesn’t exist
500m further down
There should be Zero Tolerance for these
Lost Lane Losers
Back to the topic at hand
H.O.V. lanes were recently installed
In the left hand lane of a few highways
How many exit ramps are on the left?????
Extremely few
Whose bright idea was it to make motorists
Using these lanes
To be forced to cut across 3 lanes of traffic
In order to exit the highway??????
Dalton McGuinty that’s who.
The man needs to listen to the public
Despite many letters about Black Creek
This man and his transportation ministry
Completely ignored the Logic
Necessary for that road to actually work
So when is the election?
Not soon enough.
For the record am accident was caused by cutting across from these lanes
on the Don Valley Parkway/404 this morning. Bad, bad, idea.
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