Formula 1 2010 Edition

After a few months of celebration by team Brawn Mercedes
They no longer exist
Driver and Constructor World Champions
The Team is renamed as Merecedes Grand Prix
Jenson Button is now at McLaren Mercedes with Lewis Hamilton
That was the easy part
Red Bull and Toro Rosso remained status quo
Same drivers, same probability of doing well
Vettel and Webber at RB and Buemi and Alguersuari at TR
Ferrari lose Raikkonen to WRC rally and gain Fernando Alonso
And Felipe Massa returns from his horrific accident healthy
BMW left so Sauber takes over, now Sauber Motorsport
With Pedro De La Rosa and Kamui Kobayshi
Where is Captain Kirk everytime we say that?
Toyota left and Stefan took over but despite possibility
Of an opening they were not admitted to the lineup
That opening was for the much predicted demise of USF1
Which has been blamed on their team principals but
Was largely affected by Bernie Ecclestone's constant
Ranting that they had no chance of being ready
He was proven right, even if he caused it to a degree
That was Stefan's hope for an entry but it was denied.
Had they asked earlier when Toyota withdrew
They wouldn't have had to wait so long
When BMW withdrew that allowed Lotus in
As only Manor Campos and USF1 had slots given to them
Manor was quickly renamed Virgin F1 as
Lucky man Branson was funding their entry
Timo Glock and Lucas DiGrassi drive for him
Campos F1 would also have financial trouble
So a new owner saved them to become Hispania Racing Team (HRT)
With long awaited prospect Bruno Senna, and Karun Chandhok of India
The withdrawal of USF1 confirmed Sauber's entry
Renault was also questionable for funds
A Russian driver Vitaly Petrov complete with 12 Million euro
And Lada sponsorship seems to have them in good shape to partner
Polish phenom Robert Kubica
Lotus has Jarno Trulli and Heiki Kovalienen
Virgin and Lotus have a bet going for
Who among them finishes higher in the standings
Billionaires and their bets
Williams hire verteran Barrichello from Brawn and
Rookie Nico Hulkenberg already nicknamed THE HULK but he isn't really
Cosworth has returned after a few years away
Williams, HRT, Virgin, and Lotus will have Cosworths
Mercedes, McLaren and Force India will have Mercedes
Red Bull and Renault will use Renault
Ferrari, Sauber and Toro Rosso will use Ferrari
Stefan would have used Toyota but at present is still out
All teams run on Bridgestone which will also leave after the season
If that wasn't enough drama there is the highly expected
But mostly denied until it was obvious
Return of Michael Schumacher at Mercedes partnering Nico Rosberg
The drama continued when he didn't like car #4 and insisted on car #3
Because of his aversion to even numbers
A previous blog post has my response to that episode
With my aversion to odd numbers
Bahrain practice on March 12 2010, get ready for more drama
It is still possible that teams with pay drivers not performing
This reads Vitaly Petrov at Renault mostly
Will likely replace them with another name from the past
Jacques Villeneve, who at present is ready for Stefan
Despite Stefan not being admitted due to the employment
Of Mike Coughlin of McLaren-Ferrari spygate fame
So it would be great to have Jacques return
But as is often the case, the cards are stacked against him
Which is sad because he is better than the equipment he had
In his last efforts at Sauber and Renault
Had his team been included we would have five world champions
Button, Hamilton, Alonso, Schumacher, and Jacques
For now we have only four
And Rubens can be happy he is younger than two people now on the grid
Michael and Pedro are older

Dancing With The Stars

We now know the celebs being chosen
If you can call them that
Pamela Anderson is best known for being
A misinformed activist for PETA
A wife/girlfriend of a few rock stars
A tool girl on Home Improvement
A lifeguard on Baywatch
And maybe some well read magazine articles...
How are the costume people going to hold her in?
No furs too, they are so screwed.
Expect a ton of black bars on screen for several weeks.
That should keep Bruno amused indefinately.
Shannon Doherty continues DWTS
Pension for keeping the 90210 franchise
Alive and retro
She may have a little less difficulty
Staying in wardrobe, but isn't far off Pam
Kate Goselin and Jake the Batchelor
These are celebs?
OK Melissa was on, and she has found a niche for herself
As an announcer/presenter type person
But Jake wears a Kazoo helmet
Kate needs Nannys not a dance partner
Buzz Aldrin, space pioneer
Assuming he was a mid twenties astronaut in 1969
He's easily mid sixties to seventy now
Which is younger than Cloris
Will Mark Ballas' mom be dancing with him?
After all his dad danced with Cloris.
Gold Medalist Lycacek should be a favourite
Because his gold medal routine had no quads
So dancing should be about the same difficulty.
Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend aka
Pussycat Dolls Nicole Scherzinger
May be just as good as Maya but will probably lose in the final.
No disrespect to Donny last time
He was very good, and had a better final
But his popularity was impossible to crush.
Prediction: One of the people I didn't mention
Because I have no idea who they are.

Simon Cowell Replacement

Despite me considering myself as the
Simon Cowell of driving
I'm not suggesting me, despite liking many types of music
It's not my thing to judge singers

Here are my 3 choices and why:

Quentin Tarantino, has already been a guest judge and a mentor on American Idol, is obviously opinionated, and knows music like almost no other movie director, and besides it may prevent him from making movies I don't watch anyway.

Hugh Laurie, plays Dr. House, all music on that show is decided by him, he also has his own band, and just like Simon, he's British.

David Foster, there isn't a soul in the industry with more music ability and genius than David Foster, many big time artists were produced by him, and he's no stranger to judging or mentoring singers on reality shows like American Idol and Nashville Star, he literally is music.

I did not number them, because any one of them would be a fine replacement. If they choose them because I said so, then I wouldn't mind the credit.

City News Interview

City News website for Toronto interviewed me on Friday regarding my book Harvey The Happy Helmet's Illustrated How To Drive Handbook. The interviewer did research me, and brought up my article on pedestrian safety, and my opinions on it. Be sure to look for it online later this week on City News website.

Pedestrian safety

Too many people are dying on our streets and I intend to educate people on how to stop it.

I am a caring, compassionate person, that actually gives a damn if you live or die, my area of expertise is driving knowledge and pedestrians are a major factor.

In recent weeks we have had 14 deaths in the Greater Toronto Area. It needs to stop.

People, as pedestrians are not looking, and people in cars are not either.

Please go to www.johnrossharvey.com and read in detail what I have to say.
The Vaughan Citizen newspaper has reprinted it, yesterday's (January 28 2010) paper page 8.

Thank you, the life you can save may be your own.

On Michael Schumacher's Aversion to Even Numbers

Go to James Allen's F1 Blog in the link provided in the title
Or here http://www.jamesallenonf1.com/2010/01/whats-in-a-number/#comment-45283

Clearly have a fan base among racing fans

Shorty Awards

On Twitter they have Shorty Awards

Please vote @acronymr for comedy so It can pass @billengvall

Thanks!

Networking with Twitter

In the old days a network was done by snail mail and telephone
Sometimes even the fax
Now most networking happens via electronic media
It could be standard email
Or it could be Myspace, Facebook, or Twitter
The latter is by far the quickest and most direct way
To network yourself
The more people you connect to
The more will connect back
Every connection helps your network
Just how or when is the only question
If in the case of Sarah Fisher @SarahFisher67
Trying to get Ellen @Theellenshow to the Indy 500
Using the @ellen2indy500 address
Twitter for some reason suspended @ellen2indy for
Likely overuse
However, I see no difference between this use
And David Letterman's multiple mentions of Oprah
To make her come on his show
Frankly I think @sarahfisher67 will get @ellen2indy
Because what could be more fun for @theellenshow than
Riding around the Indy at 190mph
Help @sarahfisher67 out
Tell @twitter to give @ellen2indy back
Tell @theellenshow that she should answer
She's not Danica, she owns her team, Danica only drives.
You'd be surprised how many Twitters are actually me

New Webpage

From time to time I will post something here
But it is more likely I will post from my new website
www.JohnRossHarvey.com

All the links are better organized and accessible there

There should be some more news soon, so stay tuned.

For now, go take a look at www.JohnRossHarvey.com

Thanks!

My take on Chris Brogan's Three Words

I am not an internet marketing self empowerment guru
Nor am I an author that sells in great quantity ... yet.
I am not a celebrity that needs to do nothing to get 1 million Twitter followers
Nor am I a news agency telling you about events.

Chris Brogan (@chrisbrogan) picked three words (his twitter in link above as well)
For his purposes, those words mean something to him.

I am John Ross Harvey, father, draftsman, writer.

Are those my three words?
No.

Focus: Not only is it my car, it is a great method of dealing with tasks.

Commit: I've been married for 14 years, I've been writing book material for 5, and been published during last 3. I will commit to write more even if I have to be as many as 4 or 5 other people to get noticed.

Twitter: To some this is a non-sensical place full of celebs and news, but many are missing how great a network you can create, the more connections you can make to people that can help you reach your goals the better off you will be.

There they are, Focus, Commit, Twitter.

What are yours?

Royalties, Pledge, and Charity

Since I make hardly anything on my royalties anyway
I will pledge $1 per all books sold at link in title
In either e-book form or print form
(E-book is faster if the gift is needed immediately)
To Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation http://www.cbcf.org/
Until the end of December
OK so that's only 7 days you say
If lots of you order, I will continue it for January
And I will tell you how much is going to CBCF
At the end of each month.
For less than a movie, do some good.

Traffic Rant

TRAFFIC RANT
By John Ross Harvey

My name is John
I know how to drive
I’m from Canada
Where most people think
It snows 365 days a year
It’s less actually
More like 165 days
I know what a snowbrush is
How it works
And how to use it
I’ve seen an ice scraper before
I know how that works too
Impaired motorists are not just
Inebriated by alcohol
They are also lazy bums that don’t have a clue
How to operate a snowbrush.
I’ve never parked in a fire lane
Because I possess a brain
Capable of READING!
I’ve never confused my vehicle
With a fire truck
I’m not an ignorant illiterate schmuck!
Green does not mean go
When there is no room on the other side
Of the intersection
Blocking the intersection
Proves a lack of brain function
Green does not mean Go
It means Proceed If and When the Way is Clear
If it’s not CLEAR it’s not When you PROCEED!
I’ve never confused a side street
With a parking space for idiots
Traffic does actually move in opposite directions to your
Maniacal ego!
Escape lanes are for people to ENTER traffic
Not for LOSERS to pass traffic
A lack of geometry skill is proof
A two year old is smarter than you are
They can at least identify shapes
A diamond shaped road sign
Informing you your Rectangular vehicle
Will no longer proceed into a Triangular lane!
I’ve never driven in lanes
Occupied by parked cars
In order to pass people
I’ve never confused a Parked Car
With one that is Actually Moving!
If you do any of these moronic activities
You are NOT a driver!
Only a Moronic Motorist
Thinks they are more important than
The rest of the Universe!
While they pass from behind parked cars
While they park in Fire Lanes
While they enter escape lanes
While they confuse roadways with parking spaces
All in order to prove their geometry skill
Is less than that of a two year old
While never clearing their vehicle
Of IMPAIRING snow and frost
Because they cannot master the SKILL
Of using a Snowbrush or Ice Scraper
Because they’d rather prove their stupidity
By operating a vehicle they
Cannot see out of!
Yet more proof that
HELL IS FROZEN

Proper Safety Awareness by Tim Horton's as displayed on thier Holiday Cups

I must congratulate you for the very appropriate image on the holiday (christmas) cups.

You have a father using a snowbrush for teh family van.

THIS I APPLAUD!

Much better than Canadian Tire selling wiper blades to clean snow off your window, or have a man with a snow covered van claiming he needs winter tires to stop faster.

Tim's Cup image is a much more responsible, much more correct and safe preparation for a snowy environment.

Snow Impairs, I think a group should be created to inform the masses that Snow impairs as much as Alcohol, simply by not being proactive enough to use a Snowbrush or an Ice Scraper.
If you cannot see out of it, don't drive it.
Snow Impairment's Not Safe (SINS)

You should be commended for an excellent use of your product to promote road safety.

I'm putting this message on my Blog at
http://threeforcesofevil.blogspot.com

Thank you for being a responsible corporation!

SNOW

SNOW
Originally posted Dec. 18 2005 at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
and reprinted Feb.7 2006 here

SNOW
By John Ross Harvey

If you’ve read this blog a few times
You’ll know where its title comes from
Snow covered motorists
The Three Forces of Evil

Mobile Snowbanks
Defroster Dunces and the
Wipers Only Brigade

You should not drive a snowbank
Defroster Lines have limited vision
Wipers don’t clean your car
Snow on rooves annoy motorists behind
Snow on hoods (bonnets) annoy yourself
Due to continuous spray
Snow on windows and mirrors
Prevent visibility
Snow on wiper controls prevent
The ability to wash your windows
Snow on grilles prevent air from
Cooling your overheated engine
Snow on tires and wheel wells
Prevent good traction and accurate steering
Transport trucks, vans, and SUV’s
Must clean rooves
Giant chunks of icy snow from
Rooves of taller vehicles
Is Deadly
And it’s equally so on Cars too

So I ask the question
Do you drive this poorly?
If so, why?
Are you a snow dwelling life form?
With limited need for vision and safety
Or are you just an unsafe driver

The world will be a better place
If these snow dwellers cease to exist.

I have one word for them

SNOWBRUSH

Snow
Not
On
Windows
Brush
Remainder
Unbelievably
Simple
Huh?

A Meat Lover's Dream

How could you beat a Turkey?
Easy have a Turkducken, Turkey, duck & chicken
How can you beat a Turducken?
Turbaconduken!

Yes, bacon wrapped Turducken.

This is almost as mouth watering as the bacon roll
Shown on Good Morning America where overlapped bacon strips
Wrapped around ground sausage
Were baked into a better tasting Meatloaf

I have not tried these yet, but I aim to.

Its the O+ blood in me.

I crave meat, and this is craving!

Check the link above.

JOB OFFER

Strangely I responded to a Twitter feed by a Celeb
A Celeb in the Comic Book industry hired some Artists off Twitter
I asked if he wanted Writers
He DM'd me to get in contact
Since he doesn't follow me
I cannot DM him back
I sent info via a form on his website
Hopefully the message gets relayed
If not
There was a glimmer of hope
I could be writing for comic books
Perhaps its still glimmering
I await a response via email
Provided the webmaster got the info to him.
This blog would likely turn into a diary
If this job happens.

Country 95.3 packs it in

Corus Entertainment apparently doesn't believe country music is alive.
They changed formats to Oldie's 60's 70's 80's and renamed it NEW95.3
That alone is an Oxymoron, or like a previous posting, an OPPOSITE!
Clearly the marketing people are not carrying a full deck of cards.
As yet there were no identifiable DJs present in the morning but I have tuned out.
Slightly further up the dial in the GTA was 95.9 KX96
They also have a cottage country repeat siganl at 89.9
They've been playing country for 15 years and they just gained just about every listener 95.3 has lost.
They also don't respond with form letters that do not address the complaints being sent.

Have fun losing ratings.

OPPOSITES

OPPOSITES
By John Ross Harvey

Good Bad
Hot Cold
Up Down
Right Left
Light Dark
Cooked Raw
Human Inhuman
Meat Vegetable
Sugar Salt
Skinny Fat
Democrat Republican
Liberal Conservative
Free Oppressed
Surplus Debt
Legal Criminal
Sun Rain
Summer Winter
Thawed Frozen
Heaven Hell

Batracer

Batracer is a free to play, or pay once for life to play, racing driver simulation.
The car graphics are merely for listing drivers and team standings
The car graphics are user created from archive photos and artwork and are generally in reverse of the true images they were derived from.

There are Formula 1 sets for 1986, 1997, 1999, 2002, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009
all of which have Ferrari
There is LeMans which has many Ferraris
There is a Ferrari Challenge which strangely contains more Ferraris

Most other sets, and indeed there are many, do not contain any Ferrari.

As of yesterday, visiting www.batracer.com has displayed this message:



BATracer Unavailable Until Further Notice

BATracer is presently unavailable due to legal issues following receipt of a letter this morning (2nd November 2009) concerning user-submitted Ferrari content within BATracer. Efforts are being made to resolve this issue and to restore the site at the earliest opportunity following changes.

The ability to further upload user-submitted content for inclusion in the game has been disabled until further notice.

BATracer.com



Statement Concerning Infringement of Trademarks and Designs of
Ferrari S.p.A. "Ferrari" of Maranello

The inclusion of Ferrari material into BATracer was not authorised by Ferrari, and the activity of BATracer and user contributions was not in any way related to Ferrari.

All Ferrari content will be removed from the game, and all user-carset projects involving Ferrari content will also be removed.


Far be it for me to explain how free advertising of your product is an infingement of copyright, user images are not taken from Ferrari, they were created to resemble Ferrari.

You had several fans on this site willing to support the Ferrari duo of Massa and Alonso, now they won't.

Is bullying a minor gaming site like Batracer really what a multimillion dollar conglomerate like Ferrari needs to do?

I've been told they don't even own their image. Bernie Ecclestone does.
I don't see him suing Batracer for image copyright.

Why would Ferrari willingly attack its very own fanbase over a picture they see perhaps 10% of the time while playing?

I fail to see the logic of this rediculous attack by Ferrari, but I am a Bilingual Vulcan.

Batracer may run on say $2 million over 4 years, where as 10 cars sold at Ferrari probably equal that much, I'm sure it takes less than 4 years to sell them.

I doubt they even have that much, not all players have opted to pay for better control features, or sponsoring to get them. Most of the players actually pay nothing. So maybe $2 million is way beyond what they've actually taken in from paying players. That money pays for server rentals, maintenance, advertising, development and anything else a gaming site needs to spend money on. That amount of money is not a liquid pile of $ they put on display. It's spent most likely.

My $2 million figure is if 100,000 players bought the $20 one time only fee for better controls called Kool tools.

Do they have that many? I doubt it.

Can they possibly meet Ferrari's demands? I doubt it.

So why is Ferrari insistant on bullying the little guy?
Because that's all bullies do. They care nothing about anyone but themselves.

Many of their hard core fans have the same attitude.

I have not been a fan since Berger/Alesi years, I was planning to return next year with the Alonso/Massa lineup, now....probably not.

Support Batracer, and tell Ferrari to take a hike.

Hallowe'en

HALLOWE’EN
By John Ross Harvey
3rd annual posting

All Hallow’s Eve
Hallow’s Evening
Hallowe’en
Not Halloween as many may write
This was not a Christian celebration
But a Celtic observation of the end of summer
Reaping of the final harvest
Beginning of winter
Where Samhain, Lord of Dead, gathers souls
In animals, and decides what other animals
They will reside in next
On the Eve of this Day
Barriers between Natural and
Supernatural worlds are Broken
Faeries were considered hostile
People would imitate Faeries
And ask for Treats, or the household
Would be tricked
Hence modern day trick-or-treating
These imitators would carry turnips
Carved with faces
Much like the modern day Jack-o-lantern
This festival became observed here
In North America after the Irish
Potato famine made many emigrate
From Ireland and bring their folklore with them.

But let’s face reality here
There is but one reason Hallowe’en exists today
Commercialism
An incentive to buy products
Second only to Christmas
At least for now
Until the next MUST HAVE candy comes around
Hallowe’en will then be #1
In the pockets of Commercial Enterprise
Too bad the Irish don’t run them.

विन्डोज़ 7

WINDOWS 7
By John Ross Harvey

Like most people that converted from DOS to Windows
It was Windows 3.1
So now we have Windows 7
So where was Windows 4,5,&6?
Windows 95 is 4
Windows 98 is 5
Windows 2000 is 6
Windows XP is 7?
Windows Vista is 8?
Windows 7 is 9!

Hitchhikers Guide Math there
6x9=42

Only if the 9 is Windows 7

Photocopiers that Suck

Crap
Always
Not
Operating
Now

I will never be your spokesperson

Money Grows On Trees

MONEY GROWS ON TREES
By John Ross Harvey


Money is paper
Paper is made from Wood
Wood is Trees
Money comes from Trees

Now you Know!

Can that stupid slogan go away?!

Organic

ORGANIC

By John Ross Harvey

First off let’s get this straight
Everything on Earth is Organic
All items on Earth are Animal, Vegetable (plants, fruit incl.), or Mineral
The steel on your car is mineral, created from a rock of Iron ore
The rubber on your tires is from a plant
The gasoline in your vehicle is from long dead animals
(CARS the movie had it right with Dinoco)
The bricks on your house are clay from the riverbanks
The glass in your windows is from sand in a desert or beach
Claiming something isn’t organic is a fallacy
Everything on Earth is organic.
The CN tower 400 years ago may have been rocks and salt somewhere else
Before being repositioned as a 1815ft tall tower.
Everything on Earth is from this earth.
The food your parents ate became you.
Some potato from the Irish famine may now be blog writer.
To be inorganic, it must not be from this world.

So are you?

Proof That Hell is Frozen

PROOF THAT HELL IS FROZEN
By John Ross Harvey


1. What do you hate more, freezing temperature? Or a suntan? Proof 1
2. What do you hate more snow storms? Or rainstorms? Proof 2
3. What is the world’s most incurable disease? A COLD! Proof 3
4. Where is life mostly uninhabitable? Antarctica! Proof 4
5. Which is heavier, a winter boot? Or a running shoe? Proof 5
6. Snowball’s Chance In Hell? Pretty damned good actually. Proof 6
7. Three Forces of Evil: (read the blog) Proof 7

Feel free to deny these observations to prove your inability to grasp reality.

Nom de Plume

I've been doing research on how many authors have used
Or do use a Nom de Plume (Pen name for the American's)
Most notables are Steven King as Richard Bachman
And Nora Roberts as J.D. Robb

They already had success though. The other names for
slightly different book genres.

An obvious reason to change a name to pen name
Is that another author already has your name
John Harvey is a crime author with over 30 books, and sells in the millions
John Ross Harvey has only 5 books currently sells in the under 100s

One site I read suggested 2 syllable first name, and 1 syllable last name
kind of like Steven King and J.D. Robb, go figure.

If selling horror fiction, use a K for the last name
To be placed near King and Koontz

Romance authors should sound more female or at least
Less gender specific

Danielle Steele, theres that 2 and 1 syllable combination again

So I narrowed down some choices, from many to just two.

First is names from my jobs and residences during my lifetime
Second is a nearby town and something noone uses anymore
(Though it is a famous actor/director/writer's last name by sound
And a famous sci-fi fantasy novelist exactly)

Here they are:

1. Wentworth Vaughan
2. Markham Wells

Intelligent suggestions are welcome, idiotic ridicule by simpletons are not.

Leaning towards option 1.

This would be for further fiction efforts like crime novels, sci-fi, suspense,
Or any other genre I can write.

With luck it could get a reputable publisher to sign them.
Then it will need Twitter, facebook, email address, webpage,
And all other media visibility to help sales along.

STRIKES

STRIKES

By John Ross Harvey

The Toronto civil service strike has been around for a few weeks now
Mostly know the world over on CNN as Toronto's garbage strike
Which is mostly true as that service is part of the union
That also includes daycare facilities
Not that people's children not being cared for ever makes the news
Ferries to the island were also affected
Thankfully some people have created island access in the interim
Or everyone living there would suffer dearly
Garbage in the parks, not a brilliant system
But what choice have they when strikers block the dumps
Why is city employing garbage workers, or sanitation engineers?
Almost every other city around contracts it out.
Could be Miller or Laidlaw or Wasteco, they have many to choose from
So why wouldn't they simply fire them all and contract out?
And then pay the rest of the people not crippling our city that are not
Striking as garbage workers
Garbage is an essential service, our health and well being are greatly affected
Garbage should never be allowed to discontinue
Unions are to blame
Unions demand more than the average working class
I've never been in a union, the company I work for does not hire union workers
Toyota does not hire CAW, who had better quality workmanship?
Toyota does
Now VIA rail is on strike
Maybe that's a godsend to commuters as now they cannot
Commute into the smelly city anymore.
If I get a million book buyers from the links to the left
I'll donate half of it to ALS charity
That's certainly more productive than a garbage worker union strike

A Week of Sorrow

We lost 3 great entertainment icons this week.

Everyone's favourite sidekick Ed McMahon

Every boys first crush Farrah Fawcett

And Every girl's favourite singer Michael Jackson.

The last 2 just hours apart on the same day.

Where did you hear it?

It was on Twitter for me?

Is this how we'll get all of news from now on?

What do you remember of their careers?

Ed was a staple with Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show

Farrah was the reason Charlie's Angels were the #1 TV show in the day

Michael sold more records than anyone else on earth, before or after

100 million alone from Thriller internationally

I want to remember them positively

They did have negative publicity before their deaths

I don't wish to bring that up

Respect the dead

Remember what they did in life that made yours better

Laughs, Love, Music

R.I.P. Ed, Farrah and Michael you are missed.

Rim Jim and the Hamilton Blackberries

RIM JIM AND THE HAMILTON BLACKBERRIES
By John Ross Harvey

So a Phoenix judge, Mr. R.T. Baum decided to not decide.
Jim Balsille still wants to buy the team and move it.
Gary Bettman wants to continue shoeing a dead horse.
Fact: Phoenix is a dead market for hockey
Fact: The team is in crushing debt to many parties
Fiction: Bettman has local people willing to keep team in town.
Fiction: We believe Gary Bettman
Fact: President Obama loves his Blackberry
Fiction: Gary Bettman likes his Blackberry
Fact: Jim Balsille wants a team in Hamilton
Fact: Hamilton will fill the seats
Fact: Toronto will not suffer from a Hamilton team
Fiction: Toronto will suffer from a Hamilton team
Fact: Buffalo is further away than 1 hr
Fiction: Buffalo will suffer from a Hamilton team
Fact: Canadian, and specifically Ontario fans...HATE BUFFALO NOW!
Fact: We don't buy their seats unless its our team crushing them.
Fiction: Ontario hockey fans fill Buffalo arena seats.
Fact: Jim Balsille will keep trying to get a team
Fiction: Gary Bettman will stop him forever.
Fact: Some people are sick of Jim Balsille and his efforts to buy a team
Fact: More people are sick of Gary Bettman not wanting him to.
Fiction: Jim Balsille is stupid.
Fact: Gary Bettman redefines stupid.

Copyrighting

COPYRIGHTING
By John Ross Harvey

Seems pretty simple, create something, copyright it.
It’s yours, noone else can have it.
Like the phone.
Bell made it; noone else had it for a long time.
Now, everyone makes phones, mostly cell phones.
Quebec tried to copyright the Question mark.
Yup, you read that right.
They used it for their Information Booths, and
an Independent Store put up a Question Mark.
Obviously a Question Mark is public domain
That’s like saying you’ve copyrighted the number 1
Not possible, practical, or reasonable.
So why is Lindt Sprungli Chocolate trying to copyright
A Chocolate Bunny?
Several if not all Chocolate companies have made
Chocolate Bunnies for years, for Easter.
I’m certain I’ve eaten several of the competitions'
And far less of Lindt’s.
So how can any court reasonably suggest that
Lindt has a copyright on a Chocolate Bunny,
or even a Gold Foil wrapped Bunny.
I ask you. Is that not the most ridiculous copyright claim ever?
I will now copyright every word in this document
to prevent anyone from ever repeating what I just wrote, so noone can ever
write these words ever again.
See how ridiculous that is?
Chocolate Bunnies? What’s Next, the Moon?

Email Spammers

EMAIL SPAMMERS
By John Ross Harvey


I’ve had probably 4 Russian wives per day
12 Singles that want to meet me weekly
42 Viagra pills real cheap a month
6 Nigerian dictators a month
12 Google money laundering scams a week
6 Importing companies a month
And this doesn’t count the people I don’t know
That want to follow me on Twitter
If we have no communication beforehand, then
You don’t get to follow me.
That’s just my personal email
It’s almost doubled with work’s email
Does it make sense that I’m reading
SPANISH FLY by William Ferguson
It’s about the dirty thirties and seasoned hustlers
Always out to make a quick buck
By convincing others to part with their money
On the chance of winning big
In games like 3 card Monte
Perhaps it does.
Scammers are often also Scum.

My American Idol Song

MY AMERICAN IDOL SONG
By John Ross Harvey

Don’t give me a ballad
Don’t sing me a thank you
Don’t write something schmaltzy
Give me a rocking tune
Even if its country

I cannot take the endless Idol songs
All about you got me here
Thanks for making me great
I want to hear something meaty
Not something to make me puke my plate

Rockers want to rock on
Country singers want to get you dancing
If I hear another sappy ballad
I may resemble Charles Manson

We want to hear real songs
With real emotions
Not fake songs
With overplayed notions

Let me hear a Done somebody wrong song
Then I won’t have to pull out a gong

American Idol is very predictable
Half reason why I’m leading
In the Facebook game
Of predicting

Unless Kris wins tonight and
The point values change
I’ve already won
Just like Adam


Who cares if it rhymes? The point is made.

Pontiac Bites The Dust

PONTIAC BITES THE DUST
By John Ross Harvey

General Motors is set to announce the termination of Pontiac.
Well they have so many brands to choose from
Chevy, Cadillac, Saturn, Buick, Oldsmobile, Hummer, GMC trucks and Pontiac
Why not ditch Saturn instead?
Because Saturns actually sell because they are cheap.
Why not ditch Chevy instead?
Because nothing depreciates more than a Chevy, better bang for their buck.
Why not ditch Oldsmobile?
What will Seniors drive if that happens?
Why not ditch Buick?
Didn’t they try that already?
Oh yeah Tiger Woods endorses it.
Why not ditch GMC trucks? They are identical to Chevy trucks.
Oh yeah Trucks sell.
So why not Cadillac?
Because doing so removes the only thing worth buying from GM.
So why not Hummer?
Arnold will want a Hybrid version first
So we’re left with Pontiac
Built for Drivers that cannot find a light switch.
I suppose that’s a good thing.

Bring the McLaughlin back, and ditch the rest.
Now that was a brand.
And his house is the Xavier’s school for gifted children in the X-men movies.
Can’t go wrong there.

Trademarks

TRADEMARKS
By John Ross Harvey


First off I’ll tell you the origin of Trademark
Smith Bros. Cough Drops
Brothers Trade and Mark Smith decided they needed a description
To identify their product as an original.
Hence using their own names, they created Trademark
A description used by a multitude of corporations worldwide.
All from 2 brothers in St. Armand Quebec.

But everybody has a trademark.
Something that identifies them as the original.
Michael Schumacher always said: “To be honest.”
Not that I ever thought he was, but that’s what he said.
My boss always says: “What’s your name?” Sometimes he actually says your name.
Another colleague of mine keeps saying, “At the end of the Day.”

Completely ridiculous, unintelligent egotists, claim authority on subjects they know nothing about and trademark their comments with “Full truth.”
Full of shit more likely.

Cinderella Story

CINDERELLA STORY

By John Ross Harvey

Congratulations are in order for the Brawn GP Formula 1 team.
Months ago as team Honda, they were forced to withdraw the team
due to financial reasons, however a buyer was certainly being sought.

Many like myself, expected Sir. Richard Branson to step in, after all, this is a billionaire's sport, and he is one.

Mere weeks ago, the team Engineer and manager Ross Brawn was confirmed
as the new owner, and promptly began the team as status quo, with new Mercedes engines, instead of Honda which had withdrawn from the sport.

Winter testing showed them to be very quick, and most suspected they were light, and that Ferrari and McLaren were holding back.
Suffice it to say, they were completely underestimated.

They arrived in Australia with a large fan base, which included Sir Richard Branson, who decided on race weekend that he would sponsor the team.
Last minute as the decision was, it amounted to a few stickers on the helmets and the cockpits of each car. He claimed he didn't have enough carry on for paint.

Brawn GP qualified 1-2 on the grid. Thanks to some poor thought takeover manouvres, by the drivers running 2nd and 3rd, taking each other out of contention, they finished the race 1-2 as well.

A prouder moment for these two drivers, their team principal, and their new sponsor could not possibly happen. This was a true Cinderella story.

They were going to miss the ball, got the last minute opportunity to show up, and stole the hearts of many.

Congratulations Brawn GP, Jenson Button, Rubens Barrichello, and the self described "Lucky Bastard" Sir Richard Branson.

Well done!

Pole Position Syndrome

POLE POSITION SYNDROME
By John Ross Harvey

I’m sure you’ve noticed that some individuals
Have a serious problem
With being behind anyone
Regardless of where they are going.
They will drive behind you in a right hand lane
Pull ahead of you in the left lane
And immediately turn to the right
At the next intersection or interchange.
What possible purpose does this serve?
I knew you were stupid before you did that.
Why highlight the fact?
The incessant need to be in front of the next guy
Must be Pole Position Syndrome.
I cannot function unless nobody is in front of me?
For race drivers this may be a good thing
As it helps their teams win races
But for the average motorist on the city streets
It does nothing but prove a lack of intelligence.
The world will be a better place
If the PPS infected individuals take a deep breath
And actually turn right, while still behind you.

Stupid Americans

STUPID AMERICANS
By John Ross Harvey

In the last few days we've had greedy executives steal money from the government for executive bonuses, which considering the fact it was BAILOUT money makes it all the more disgusting and dispicable. I've heard some have offered to return the money.
SOME...have OFFERED... to RETURN the money?

IT"S NOT YOUR MONEY! You shouldn't be offering, you should be returning it.
As for the bigger idiots that decided they would not return the money, send me their names and I'll publish them!

Then we have the loser at FOX, on the RED EYE.
Completely offensive, and entirely misinformed dumbass host, thinks that all the dead soldiers we've given in their country's war with Afghanistan's Taliban regime, should not be allowed to take a break from saving their dumb asses. How about we trade them for you, as see how you feel about it!

There are of course many examples of American Stupidity, but these are most noticeable currently!

Do your part and tell these clowns, to wake up, because their minds are obviously asleep!

Marketing Slogans

MARKETING SLOGANS
By John Ross Harvey

Maxwell House: “Good to the Last Drop.”
Meaning: It’ll never be great

Timex: “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
Meaning: Our parts are so big they can’t possibly be re-arranged.

Mazda: “Zoom, zoom, zoom.”
Meaning: Our marketing guys got bored.

Coca-Cola: “It’s the real thing.”
Meaning: Pepsi isn’t real

Zest: “You’re not clean until you’re Zestfully clean.”
Meaning: A non-soap with the name of an orange peel needs help

Nike: “Just do it.”
Meaning: We can’t compete with the Adidas acronym
“All Day I Dream About Sex.”

KFC: “Finger licking good.”
Meaning: We hope you like grease, we have lots.

Rice Krispies: “Snap! Crackle! Pop!”
Meaning: Rice is boring we needed some excitement

Hallmark: “When you care enough to send the very best.”
Meaning: Don’t buy other cards, especially Carlton

Walmart: “Always low prices. Always.”
Meaning: If you say it twice, maybe it’s true.

Apple (Mac): “Power to be your best.”
Meaning: Ctrl-Alt-Del is not required for a restart

Subway: “Eat fresh.”
Meaning: Don’t eat frozen burgers

Smarties: “Do you eat the red ones last?”
Meaning: Be careful red ones may contain Red Dye #5

Tim Horton’s: “Rrroll up the rim to win.”
Meaning: Fat chance you’re winning boy.

Lays: “Bet you can’t eat just one.”
Meaning: How many people are dumb enough to try

Crest: “Look, Ma, no cavities!”
Meaning: Don’t buy Colgate

Schlitz: “The Beer that made Milwaukee famous.”
Meaning: Stop buying cheap Old Milwaukee

Purina: “All you add is love.”
Meaning: It tastes like dirt the poor dog needs something

York Peppermint: “Get the sensation.”
Meaning: We can’t compete with chocolate bars

Esso: “Put a Tiger in your tank.”
Meaning: We will continue to sue Frosted Flakes

Campbell’s: “Mm, mm good.”
Meaning: Stop buying Lipton’s

Whisk: “Ring around the collar.”
Meaning: Annoying works

Tab: “How can one calorie taste so good?”
Meaning: We lucked out with this experiment

Yellow Pages: “Let your fingers do the walking.”
Meaning: We thought that up during the dial phone era.

Nice & Easy: “Does she or doesn’t she?”
Meaning: Clairol is more colourful than us.

USA Election 2008

USA ELECTION 2008
By John Ross Harvey

Americans head to the polls today
Maybe about 24% of them
If we’re lucky
Of that 24% they will probably vote mostly for one party
Yet their vote is insignificant
Because they only count
Electoral college votes
Some moneybags with a priority over a common citizen
With the privilege of deciding their country’s fate
Regardless of what everyone else voted.
This system makes no sense, should be abolished
And quite frankly kept Bush in power for 8 years
Canadians wouldn’t have kept him
Why do 25 people in California decide for millions?
There is no logic to that.

12:32 pm Eastern time I declare Obama to win.

Real or Unreal

REAL OR UNREAL
By John Ross Harvey

I just read this news article:

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/081023/koddities/japan_avatar_murder

Ok they play a virtual game based on their real life persona
But if this woman gets charged for killing a digital playmate
How many children will be charged for letting Mario Fall?
Or sending Sonic on a never-ending scream
Never mind the 30 something’s that grew up with Doom and Duke Nukem
All the 20 something’s playing Grand Theft Auto games
I know I’ve killed plenty of digital characters in Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Captain Falcon rules.

The world as we know it will change forever if this woman is charged with killing some binary data in video game.

Public Washrooms

PUBLIC WASHROOMS
By John Ross Harvey

It never ceases to amaze me
That every men’s washroom in a public place
Be it a Wal-Mart, McDonald’s, or even a Keg
Has had a sorry individual spend time
In a toilet stall
Specifically to
Pee all over the damn seat
Apparently this individual has never
Had to do a #2
Clearly if peeing was no longer an option
The public toilet seats might
Actually be clean
But as we all know
That aint going to happen
The seat pissers of the world
Outnumber those with actual intelligence
So they need a name
Seat pissers is too literal
They need a name synonymous with scum
They are the Scumbuckets
No name matches that for pure disrespect
No name symbolizes purer hatred and stupidity
Yes all the seat pissers of the world
Are the lowest scum on the planet
It requires more brain cells than they possess.
Raise your I.Q.
Find the bowl
If you miss
Clean it up
We aren't your maid
You obviously can't afford one
Or they'd have killed you by now.

Perpetual Motion

PERPETUAL MOTION
By John Ross Harvey

The problem with combustion engines
Is they have intake and exhaust
Electrics require batteries
No movement when fuel burns with combustion
No movement when batteries drain on electrics
So how can you improve on this?
Make something that intakes and exhausts the same product!
What could that possibly be?
Not water, water produces steam as exhaust
Not hydrogen, hydrogen produces water as exhaust
Obviously not gasoline
We know electric cannot store infinitely on batteries
So what’s left?
AIR!
Run an engine that intakes and exhausts itself with air
Pure Nitrogen, Oxygen based ordinary earth air
Not compressed air in a hose
(This has been done, Tata got the contract.)
The engine will emulate what a certain submarine movie called
A caterpillar drive
Once in motion, it can maintain motion, and stay silent
Problem is getting into motion
A jumpstart is still required
So come on engineering students of the world.
Build me a car that runs on earth base air, and doesn’t need a push.
No more $1.26.9 gas prices
Just drive in the open air.
It can be done.
I want credit for the idea though.

Corporate Ladder

CORPORATE LADDER
(FINANCIAL BIGWIG BUYOUT BY BUSH)
By John Ross Harvey

The higher up the chain you are
The more money you make
And the less you have to spend
You get expenses paid for
Trips, meals, car repairs, gasoline
The lower you are
The less you make
The more you spend
And owe
It’s an unending vicious cycle
So what if a giant lending firm is in trouble
Bleed it out of the execs that live off it
They’ve never paid for anything
Why should we keep paying them?
I have no sympathy for them
They are all millionaires or billionaires
My thousands barely last a day past a pay cheque.
Mortgage, groceries, gasoline, VISA
Taxes on top of everything
Billionaire execs write everything off
They get to keep their money
Why should I bail them out?
They can start to feel like us
Helpless
There is only one solution to
The global financial crisis
I may be the only one with the correct answer
To know, you must buy my book
World Peace – A Novel
Until you understand I’m right
We will continue to suffer in debt for eternity.

GAS PRICE LANGUAGE

GAS PRICE LANGUAGE
By John Ross Harvey

Surplus Oil: Gas prices rise to prevent shortage
Oil Shortage: Gas prices rise because there is a shortage
Cold: Gas prices rise because temperature drops
Hot: Gas prices rise because temperature increases
Storms: Gas prices rise with impending threat of hurricanes
Nat. Disaster: Gas prices rise as storage facilities near hurricane regions
War: Gas prices rise due to conflicts in oil nations
Government: Gas prices rise due to tax hikes
Price War: Gas prices rise as competition strengthens
Strong $: Weakening US dollar forces gas prices to rise
Weak $: Weakening Cdn dollar forces gas prices to rise
Incorrect
Speculation: Lawyer speak for we had no real reason to raise gas prices
But we did it anyway

Gas prices are way out of hand, it used to be 50 cents a litre was high
Now it’s approaching $1.50, and some provinces are already above that.

Legislate gas prices to be 49.9 forever
And then maybe we’ll stop complaining about the prices.

It’s bad enough we can’t afford to eat anymore, and our VISA bills are climbing sky-high
It’s not like you can walk to work for 50km, and transit is just as costly as driving these days.

Do something about it Mr. Harper, the election hounds will be waiting to show you the door if you don’t.

Root Canal

ROOTCANAL
By John Ross Harvey

What started as a possible ear-ache
Became a very strange day indeed
Going to the walk-in clinic complaining of my ear
The doctor uses his light device and said I have
No problem with my ears
He put pressure on my jaw, and pain switched sides
So I was told it was jaw problem,
Slightly out of alignment
A dentist would better be able to confirm this
Well, that didn’t help the fact that my ear still hurt
Take lots of Advil he said, not much else you can do
Thanks, doing that, not exactly working
Tell my wife what the doctor said
She insists I see the dentist
I mention at the dentist what the doctor said
They know that jaw condition and suggest a
Panoramic x-ray
Nice little radiation device spinning around my head
OK
I fill out my forms and wait for the result in a chair
The dentist shows me a tooth model
You don’t have a jaw problem
You have a big hole in your tooth
Not just any tooth, a molar with
Nerves attached to main nerve
That travels to your ear
So my tooth is hurting my ear
And we have to fix it
You need a root canal
OK
He’ll fit me in today so I’m not in pain for the weekend
(Today being yesterday)
OK
So I get the monster needle of Novocain inserted
I can’t feel my tongue
“Has the freezing kicked in?” he asks
I make some sort of “uh-huh” sound
They attach some kind of rubber shield device
To prevent leaking of whatever he’s using on my tooth
He does his drilling and extracting of dead tooth material
Apparently my teeth are highly curved roots, not straight at all
So it took longer than normal
It got filled with silver I can’t sell to pay for gasoline
He shakes my hand and says I’m done
Honestly not that much pain
The ear-ache was more pain than the operation
OK I have Anti-biotics and Advil in my system
This may deaden some of the feeling
But to everyone that thinks a Root Canal is Painful

WIMPS!

Magnetic Field - Volume V

MAGNETIC FIELD – VOLUME V
By John Ross Harvey

We’re buying a lot of gas these days,
Our bank accounts are feeling it
The banks seem to accept we’re all broke
But the Gas stations simply don’t care
They install the convenient machines at the pump
So you can Interac or use a Credit Card
But the annoying ones
I’m talking about ESSO
Have this stupid button for Speedpass
Something else to waste your money on
Except it’s right next to the keypad
You need to hide your code on
And because I have a Magnetic Hand
I cannot operate these machines
Without it claiming I cannot enter my Speedpass
At this time
Well, I’m not, I don’t have one
I’m covering the keypad with my left hand
The magnetic hand
Which their Speedpass button thinks
Is a real Speedpass.
Do me a favour, rip the machines out
I have to yell at the cashier because the
Lousy pump machine won’t work
Because my hand registers as a Speedpass.
Life is tough with powers

Mobile Snowbanks

MOBILE SNOWBANKS
By John Ross Harvey

Yet another lovely winter storm today.
Yet more increase in the population of the
Three Forces Of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks et al.
What most of these brainless individuals
Do not realize
Is that by Heating up their vehicle
That is covered with a mountaintop of snow
They are too lazy to remove
Is that in doing so, it creates a layer of water
Which most smart people know
Flows rather quickly
So these losers, of which I’ve seen
More today than digits on my hand and feet
Lose their load of un-cleared roof snow
Directly into their windshield
AS THEY ARE DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not only did it happen,
The completely Impaired idiots
KEPT ON GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How anyone with any brain cells
Can think this is a safe practice
Is beyond human comprehension
Nobody with a brain is that STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So if you are one of these losers
WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Common Sense

COMMON SENSE
By John Ross Harvey

One would think that common sense
Would suggest certain things to people
Like how snow is not as see-through as glass for instance
Or that lights work when it’s not sunny outside
Or that brakes prevent you from hitting things
Or that signals indicate to others just what the hell you’re up to
And that left and right are not interchangeable directions
They are very much indeed the opposite of each other
Yet another minor snowfall occurs and all of the above
Goes out the window.
People without common sense continue to prove their stupidity
Driving snow covered vehicles they can’t see out of
Without lights on while its overcast and raining or snowing
Don’t bother to indicate direction changes, never mind do them properly
And always clog up an intersection to leave me without a doubt
Of their absolute stupidity.
90% of them are driving GREY CARS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blending into the landscape of grey roads under grey skies.

BMW X-DRIVE

BMW X-DRIVE
By John Ross Harvey



You must’ve heard the commercials,
The big snowstorm,
The family to pick up,
Don’t worry; you have a BMW,
With X-Drive all wheel drive.
One small problem,
How many BMW owners do you know,
That can actually drive?
The majority of BMW motorists I’ve seen
Cannot drive at all
This commercial just told these people
That they are invincible
Big mistake!
The statistics after Christmas of
BMW accidents should be huge
Thanks to poor advertising.
Never tell someone that can’t drive
That their vehicle can drive for them.

CHRISTMAS

CHRISTMAS
By John Ross Harvey

Christmas is a time for giving
And receiving
And Eating
And Drinking
And taking Advil when the Bills come in
And Boxing Day Sales
Are two days late
Merry Christmas

CHRISTMAS EVE

CHRISTMAS EVE
By John Ross Harvey

Christmas and New Year’s Day
Have Eves
The day before is now an Evening
Well not really
But what you do on that day
Will happen in the evening
On Christmas Eve
You will finish shopping while
The stores close
In the Evening
You will wrap gifts
In the Evening
You will assume the role of
Santa Claus for your kids
In the Evening
You will then fall asleep
In the Evening
Whether you had anything to drink
Or not
In the Evening

P.C. INSANITY - REPRISE

POLITICALLY CORRECT INSANITY
By John Ross Harvey

Bald= Folliclely Challenged
Why not Skin Surplused?
Short= Vertically Challenged
How about Less Tall?
Santa Claus=Holiday Figure
Why not Santa Claus?
Winter-een-mas= Winter between Hallowe’en and Christmas
What a stupid word
Vegetarian= Protein Challenged
Carnivore= Vegetable Challenged
Coffee Drinker= Caffeine Enhanced
Tea Drinker= Tannin Enhanced
Pop Drinker= Carbonation Enhanced
Energy Drinker= Machine Challenged
IT = Technologically Enhanced
IT client= Technologically Challenged
Milk Drinker= Calcium Enhanced
Bread Eater= Gluten Enhanced
Low-Carb Dieter= Carbohydrate Challenged
Politician= Lie Enhanced
Voter= Tax Challenged
Mechanic= Cash Enhanced
Supermodel= Weight and Clothing Challenged
Actor= Paparazzi Challenged
Singer= Vocally Enhanced
Musician= Instrumentally Enhanced
That could cover many things
Cheetah= Speed Enhanced Feline
Lion= Energy Challenged Feline
Tiger= Colour Enhanced Feline
Wolf= Predatorily Enhanced Canine
Hawk= Glide Enhanced Avian
Hummingbird= Wing Speed Enhanced Avian
Rose= Thorn Enhanced Vegetation
Vines= Vertically Capable Vegetation
Readers= Thought Enhanced Winners
Complainers= Brain Deprived Losers
Humourists= Comedy Enhanced
Internet Scammers= Nigerian Dictators

Three Forces Of Evil the day after Snowstorm of Dec.16 2007

Mobile Snowbank
http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/4108/mobilesnowbankis7.jpg

Defroster Dunce
http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/1762/defrosterdunceue1.jpg


Wipers Only Brigade
http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/8013/wipersonlybrigadedt1.jpg

Ode to Larry The Cable Guy: Words of Wisdom

ODE TO LARRY THE CABLE GUY
WORDS OF WISDOM
By John Ross Harvey

Read Slowly

1. A day without sunshine is not too bright.

2. On the other foot, you have different toes.

3. 57.3 percent of all statistics aren’t made up on the spot. (I said, 'Read slowly'

4. 1 percent of lawyers have a good name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are above average.

6. He who laughs first thinks the fastest.

7. Anger is merely depression with enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but why would he want too?

9. Support bacteria. They're more cultured than some people I know.

10. A bad memory is the sign of a clear conscience.

11. Change is inevitable, except from Politicians and vending machines.

12. Try missing a couple of payments, then you’ll know who cares.

13. Raise my hand if you believe in psycho-kinesis?

14. OK, is the speed of light faster than speed of dark?

15. When you're in the wrong lane. Things keep coming at you.

16. Laziness pays off now. Hard work is for other people.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without Sponge Bob?

18. Weasels may be vermin, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. If you get scared half to death, twice, do you know?

20. How good is a psychic asking you for your name?

21. There is a younger person inside older persons
Wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- we would all fall off the world
If it didn’t suck.

23. Why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Because light travels faster than sound.

Parked Car Etiquette

PARKED CAR ETIQUETTE
By John Ross Harvey

There are rules to parking
If in a driveway, do not block a sidewalk
If in a mall, use a parking space
NOT A FIRELANE!
Only use a designated space if you qualify
For that designation
If on a street, do not park at the intersection
Directly behind the stop sign
When you are parked on the street
And traffic is moving to get around you
Wait your turn to enter traffic
You should never start up and go
As vehicles on your left are likely
Only there because you parked on the right
And will most likely require that right lane
To turn from
I see this far too often at Starbuck’s at
Queen and Dovercourt in Toronto
They are parking illegally already
Then they simply continue from their illegal
Parking space
To annoy the traffic that is legally in the lanes
You have been given eyesight for a reason
Use it properlyDo not enter traffic without checking for clear access.

Driving Instructors

DRIVING INSTRUCTORS
By John Ross Harvey

It shouldn’t be just me
But motorists in my part of this world
Are normally very bad
Personally I blame the instructors
Many of which drive as poorly as
The rest of the motorists that annoy me.
Headlights are your #1 safety tool
They provide visibility for you and
More importantly visibility “of you”
Far too many “instructors” do not insist on using these
In conditions where they are definitely required
They also seem to be teaching this turning in wrong lane disease
Left turns go to left lanes, not centre, not right, LEFT!
Right turns go to right lanes, not centre, and not left, RIGHT!
Most of these learner vehicles are grey
Mostly the skies are grey
Always the roads are grey
Grey cars, grey roads, grey skies, no lights, NO SEE!
No wonder everyone I encounter on my commutes
Cannot drive properly
The Instructors cannot drive properly either!
Light travels faster than a car
It’s not rocket science it’s more visible than your car
So why prove stupidity by not using them?
I will close and say one thing of instructors I’ve seen
Only “Young Drivers” instructors use headlights properly
No other company I’ve seen does.
We don’t live in Australia where everything is backwards to us.
Go forward, be Canadian, use a light switch!

When To Turn On Headlights

WHEN TO TURN ON HEADLIGHTS
By John Ross Harvey

Clue#1: The sky isn’t blue
Clue#2: It’s raining
Clue#3: It’s foggy
Clue#4: It’s dark out
Clue#5: You’re car is grey
Clue#6: You can’t see
Clue#7: Someone hit you…..too late!

A Day In The Life of a Torontonian Motorist

A Day In The Life of a Torontonian Motorist
By John Ross Harvey

The sky isn’t blue
Which should be a clue
To put my lights on
But I’d rather drive a grey car
On a grey road
Under a grey sky
To multiply my stupidity
With invisibility
Since I don’t have a brain
I wont put them on in the rain
It’s much easier to be ignorant than safe
When I turn left I’ll head for the right lane
And when I turn right I’ll head for the left lane
I enjoy proving I haven’t got brains
I have Directional Deficit Disorder
The intersection is blocked
But I’m a blind sheep to a green light
I enter because I cannot think for myself
I have no idea why my Escalade doesn’t fit on that
Little white line
I know I don’t fit, but I am a twit
Blocking the intersection because my brain has lost function
I suffer from Blocked Intersectiontis
While I’m at it
I may as well make several lane changes
Without ever signaling
To prove I must be drunk
Because I can’t drive straight
To top it off I will
Intentionally drive behind parked cars
In attempts to pass people with
Enough common sense to drive in a lane
That actually moves
Because I need to prove that
I’m also a Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putz

Apologies to regular readers

Currently have been busy with workprojects , book promotion, hallowe'en decoration, and creating a joint effort website with my brother-in-law, soon to be online.

The review on my book's back cover is by probably one of the best known comedy agent/entrepeneurs in the world, Mark Breslin.

With Canadian dollar more powerful than the US dollar, it's cheaper for you.
Download version is cheaper still.

Remember if you don't like it, don't read it, its only your opinion, you cant force it on anyone.

Rubber-Neckers

RUBBER-NECKERS
By John Ross Harvey

Most people that see an accident
On a highway or other road
Slow down to a crawl to have a look
These are what other people call
Rubber-neckers
I personally believe
They are a godsend to the
Unfortunate people in the accident
Because without these Rubber-neckers
Those involved in the accident
Would have to fear for their safety
Yet again because
Nobody was slowing down
To protect their safety
Only caring rubber-neckers do that
I hope we all can be one of them.

Lawn and Garden Vol. II

LAWN AND GARDEN VOL. II
By John Ross Harvey

I have a house
It has a backyard
Which backs onto a backyard of a townhouse row
The townhouse unit directly behind
Is a single woman
Who is not much for yardwork
When we first had a yard, without fences
She had a weedkiller spray and went and sprayed
Each and every weed individually
When fences went up
Her neighbour cut her lawn
When her neighbour moved
She kind of gave up
Weeds took over and her lawn is nothing but
A little while ago a man helped her cut it down
And built a shed, presumably with yard equipment
Many of her weeds pass through my fence
I’ve uprooted many thistles recently
The other night she went to cut her lawn
With a weedwhacker
Because it’s still all weeds
Some people should really
Pave their backyards
It would save on weedkiller and weedwhacker fuel

Greek Gods

GREEK GODS
By John Ross Harvey

If we look at the genealogy of the Greek Gods
It is indeed strange
Zeus most people know of
Had relations with sisters, and cousins
Yet he was not the God at the top of the family tree
He was born from the Titans Chronos and Rhea
Brother to Poseidon, Hades, and Hestia
Relations with Sisters Hera and Demeter
Only Hestia was not an Olympian God
Sons from Hera were Ares and Hephaestus
Daughter from Hera was Hebe
Daughter Persephone from Demeter
Daughter Athena (unknown mother)
Relations with cousin Leto
Son Apollo and daughter Artemis
Relations with cousin Dione
Daughter Aphrodite
Relation with cousin Maia
Son Hermes who had relations
With daughter Aphrodite and his aunt Dryope sister of Maia
Relations with Alcmene
Son Heracles
Relations with Semelo
Had Dionysus
All his children Olympian Gods except Persephone and Heracles
Chronos and Rhea both Titans were brother and sister respectively
Brother Coeus and sister Phoebe had daughter Leto
Brother Hyperion was not a Titan
Iapetus also a Titan was father to Epimethus father of Dione
And father to Prometheus and Atlas
Oceanus and Tethys both Titans brother and sister respectively
Daughter Pleiane had relations with Atlas
They had daughters Maia, Dryope, Asterope, Calaeno, Electra, Atyone, and Taygate
The Pleiades sisters
Dryope and Hermes had son Pan
Aphrodite and Hermes had
Son Rhodes and
Daughters Tyche, Peitho, Eunomia and
Bi-gendered Hermaphroditus
Abderus was also a son to Hermes (mother unknown)
Three monsters were siblings to the Titans
Cyclopes were Male
Echidna was Female
Hecatonatchires was Unknown
Oceanus and Tethys also had son Inachus
Inachus had relations with Oceanus daughter Melia
They had Io who had
Relations with Zeus
Aside from them Oceanus and Tethys had 3000 sons and daughters
The Titans were children of Uranus
Brother to Pontus and Mountains
Son of Gaia and Tartarus
They being sister and brother respectively
To brother Eros and Erubus
And sister Nyx
Erubus and Nyx had
Son Aether and daughter Hemera
Erubus also had several children (mother unknown)
Daughters The Hesperides, The Keres and Fates, Nemesis,
Apate, Philotes, Ceras, and Eris
Sons Momus, Panos, Moros, Thanatos, and Hypnos
Brother Tarturus also had son Typhon
Tarturus, Gaia, Eros, Nyx, and Erubus were
The children of Chaos
Alcmene was sister to Licymnius
And daughter to Electryon
This above information according to sources on Wikepedia
Including the charts of each relationship
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Tree_of_the_Greek_Gods
And this chart too
http://ludios.org/greekgods/
But if we are to believe they existed as beings on Earth
And many other deities of the Romans
And the Celtic deities of Ireland
What was Chaos?
Was Chaos the depths of Space and Time?
Were they extraterrestrial travelers?
How could Zeus have that many relations without
The ability to stay youthful?
Which according to Einstein’s Twin Paradox
Is possible by traveling through Space and Time
In breeding was apparently commonplace
Perhaps that created beings that were god-like
And since the Olympian gods were children of Titans
And Titans were the grandchildren to Chaos
Zeus was a great grandchild of Chaos
Is all life on earth the result of alien beings taking up residence?
How do we explain these things?
Perhaps we will never know
Perhaps science will explain them
And we will merely accept their findings
Because somewhere, somebody may be related to Zeus
If he isn’t still with us
Gene Simmons is a likely suspect

Morning Dew

MORNING DEW
By John Ross Harvey

I’m curious to know
How low someone’s I.Q. must be
To knowingly and intentionally
Drive a vehicle they cannot see out of
It boggles my mind
How difficult it must be to operate the window controls
How much work it must be to take a rag and
Clean the dew off the windows
So they can see the children at the bus stop
So they don’t run the stop sign
So they can see what’s in their mirrors
But apparently for far too many
Driving Impaired is preferable to being able to see
You can’t see out of it
Don’t drive it!
You’re Impaired!

Ode to John Pinette - Meat is Food

ODE TO JOHN PINETTE
MEAT IS FOOD
By John Ross Harvey

Everyone has their own idea of food
Some think an appetizer is food
Some think a salad is food
That’s not food
It’s a promisary note that food is coming
Real food is Meat
Sausage, Ribs, Steak, Chicken, Turkey, Venison
Turducken
That’s food
Burgers must be 3 patties with bacon on top
Beef patties
High protein and Iron content
Meat is Food

Ode to Bob Newhart-Driving Instructor

ODE TO BOB NEWHART
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR
By John Ross Harvey

Before I begin
Bob wrote his close to 40 years ago
I am merely writing my version as an ode to his
So if you’re upset that the learning driver is a woman
Change it to a man
Problem solved

Thank you for choosing Harvey’s Driving School Mrs. Beederman
Now what’s the first thing we do after getting into the car?
No the gas pedal won’t work yet Mrs. Beederman
I’m not giving you the keys yet, try again.
Seatbelt Mrs. Beederman, mine’s on already.
Now I’ll hand you the keys
Aren’t you forgetting something?
It’s a bit dark outside
The Light SWITCH!!!!!!!!!!!
Man, that truck was a close call
OK, the lights are on now, people can see you weaving in and out
I hope you’re using a signal Mrs. Beederman
You’re not?Ooh boy
Now would be a good time to start Mrs. Beederman
But next time make sure you have room to move
That man’s horn was pretty loud wasn’t it?
STOPLIGHT!The brakes on the left Mrs. Beederman!
OK, breathe deeply
It’s green, please check to see……………
That was a pedestrian giving us directions Mrs. Beederman
I believe he wants us to go UP
I know something that’s up
Could you turn right here please?
Next time could you do so from the right lane?
And could you enter the right one as well?
Most people don’t expect you from the left.
That’s how they do it in your neighbourhood?
And you live where?
I’ll write that down
Do not drive in………
What’s that Mrs. Beederman?
Oh the flashing lights, that’s a police cruiser
Yes, he wants you to stop
Now, would be good, signal to the right please
Brake is on the left, that’s it
Yes, hello officer
Yes, she’s new to driving
No, I didn’t check the speedometer
85 miles an hour?
So that’s why I lost my toupee?
I’ll be sure to check more closely next time
Ok Mrs. Beederman they’re letting you off with a warning
It would be good if you could read the speed limit signs
You can’t read?
Do you know your numbers?
Bad at math, huh, I see.
That’s a problem
See reading numbers and signs is what you need to do
Your husband doesn’t
Ok, so he taught you to drive this way?
That explains a lot
And when the snow falls, what does he do?
Turns on the wipers and drives away.
I was afraid of that.
OK that’s the Department of Motor Vehicles on the left
You need to signal and turn left
Next time could you see if the road is clear of oncoming traffic?
Ok park in that space there
The one directly straight ahead
The brake is the left one
Very good
Did you learn anything?
You weren’t paying attention
I believe I noticed
Same to you Mrs. Beederman

Formula One Spygate

FORMULA ONE SPYGATE
By John Ross Harvey

A few years ago
Toyota was caught with detailed documents
On Ferrari’s formula one car
I believe the suspect was fired, and fined
Toyota was not punished in any way
Toyota was very far behind Ferrari
This year
McLaren was caught with detailed documents
On Ferrari’s formula one car
McLaren are ahead of Ferrari
Yesterday’s hearing has them losing all constructor points
So if you spy, but are still slower
Ferrari doesn’t care
But if you spy, and are faster
Ferrari insist you lose your points
As for the legality and conduct of spying
That has been a regular part of formula one since the beginning
Tire warmers are just as much a cover-up as a tarp on the chassis
Spying has always been part of the game
You spy well, you improve, and it was worth it
You spy poorly, and make no gains, it wasn’t
Keep in mind a Ferrari man had to have handed over the documents
They are equally at fault
Yet they are not punished
Very much like the Canada-US Border dispute
USA blames Canada for letting terrorists in their country
Yet we do not operate their border
THEY DO!
Ferrari blame McLaren for the possession of documents
Claiming they are the sole perpetrators
But someone at Ferrari MUST have delivered them
So WHY don’t they lose points?
Because the FIA means
Ferrari’s Invisible Assistants

The Unintelligent Motorist

THE UNINTELLIGENT MOTORIST
By John Ross Harvey

It’s a stoplight
The left lane is clear ahead of the guy in it
The right lane is full of parked cars
I’m going to take the right lane to pass him
I need to prove I’m a moron

The highway exit is coming up
500m on the right
I’m in the left lane
I’ll drive for 499m
Then dive across
That’ll prove I’m an idiot

I’m entering a highway
There’s space behind this car
A lot of space
But it’s not ahead of the guy
I’ll push my luck and aim to go in front
I need to prove I’m a jerk

The light is green
There is no room on the other side of the intersection
Why should I care?
I failed Geometry
Who cares if I fit?
Hey, the lights RED!
HONK!!!!!!!
I’ve proven I’m a Loser

I’m turning left into a two-lane road
I’ll just slide over to the right lane
I could care less what you think?
I have no brains at all

I need to turn left
But I’m in the right lane
So I’ll go anyway
What painted arrows?
I’m ignorant




I need to pick up a bag of milk
There’s space at the door
While I have such a good spot, may as well keep shopping
“Fire Lane-No Parking $5000 fine”
So sue me!
I’m an absolute bastard

It’s fog, rain, or darkness
Why bother to put my lights on?
Put yours on instead
So my car’s invisible
I could care less
I have to prove I have zero intelligence

There’s dew, frost, ice, snow, or mud covering my windows
And the rest of my car
Why make the effort to remove it
If my wipers let me see forwards
Who cares what’s behind or beside me?
I don’t care if I can’t see youI do what I want, if you hit me, it’s your fault
I need to prove I’m IMPAIRED

It’s a school zone
But I’m in a hurry
I can’t slow down for kids
I’ll speed up
I have no heart or soul

It’s a school bus with flashing lights
It’s on the other side so
I don’t care
I’ll keep going
I’m a potential murderer

The emergency sirens are wailing
Why check the mirrors or look
I need to turn here
I can’t waste my time looking
Hey!!!!!!!!
I’m turning here!
I don’t care about the human life you didn’t save because of me

I personally do not condone any of the above behaviour
It is written from their perspective
Until the last line of each
Which is my opinion of their behaviour

The sad reality is I see this behaviour
All the time
It’s downright sickening

Road Safety

ROAD SAFETY
By John Ross Harvey

If you find yourself
Forced into a Reaction
You haven’t looked ahead
To avoid a Distraction
You would not be
In that Situation
If you remembered
Your driver’s Education
Don’t react and
Cause a Collision
We’d rather not see you
Need an Operation
Drive safe

Ode to Mookie Wilson - Spider Go Away

ODE TO MOOKIE WILSON
SPIDER GO AWAY
By John Ross Harvey

Don’t you hate spiders?
Don’t you wish they were more considerate
Of your personal space?
Hey spider I know you like
The space between the trees in my yard
But I’m tired of eating cobwebs
Every time I walk through there!
Be a good spider and find a new home
My taste buds need to recover.

Video Games - Nintendo Wii

VIDEO GAMES - NINTENDO Wii
By John Ross Harvey

Well my other posts were written before the next generation
Consoles came out :X Box 360, Playstation 3,
And the best system, Nintendo Wii
Why do I say that?
How many grandparents will join you on an X-Box 360?
How many will battle you on a Playstation 3?
NONE!
Know why?
Because the Wii is better.
The whole family can play, not just watch
The Wii is completely wireless and highly active
Golf, Tennis, Racing, Baseball, Bowling, and Boxing
All physically involved activities
That you can do on a Wii
Backswings, Backhands, apexes, curveballs, strikes and jabs
All possible to be realistic motions on a Wii
Did I mention it’s about half the price of the other two?
X-Box 360 and Playstation are still all thumbs
Complete with Carpel Tunnel Syndrome at that.

Misleading Ads

MISLEADING ADS
By John Ross Harvey

The ad industry seems to be going with
The reverse psychology approach
Make them think about something else
Then throw our ad at them
Subway sandwiches have their “fresh moments”
And their best one, is almost a let-down
I so wanted to have the DVD
Pirate Penguins
But it was just a Subway “fresh moment”
I’m not hungry anymore.

GAS PRICES VOLUME II
By John Ross Harvey

Recently prices have been in the low $1.05.1 range
The odd time a SALE for $0.99.9
And just yesterday went down to a shocking $0.94.4
So naturally being close to empty
I filled up the car for work, and filled up the van when I got home
So this morning I was none too impressed
To see $0.92.1 for gas
And on my travels even found $0.91.1
It’s quite sad that $0.91.1 is a deal
Soon $1.21.9 will be a deal
But I need a much higher paying job for that
Or a lottery win
Actually I did win, but only $5.00
Barely more than 5L of gas
At least for today

Starbucks - No Drive Throughs

STARBUCKS-NO DRIVE THROUGHS
By John Ross Harvey

Have you ever noticed
That Starbucks has no drive-throughs?
They intentionally expect you to be walking
It is not a park and go coffee shop
But that’s what people do
Park and Go
Park illegally and Go if they’re lucky enough
To not get a parking ticket
Because there is no legal parking at Starbucks
There is no drive-through at Starbucks
Because understanding their coffee ordering language
Means you need 10 minutes for 1 drink
Just to order it
Never mind if you’re getting more than one
Starbucks
Serving illegally parked people in your neighbourhood
Since we expanded into the Canadian marketplaceOne Café Latte Wet Grande Mocha Cappuccino Espresso Columbian to go

Meat In The Teeth

MEAT IN THE TEETH
By John Ross Harvey

How many people here eat meat?
Ever get it caught in your teeth?
Who hasn’t?
Liar.
You always get it stuck.
Pork, beef, chicken, meat gets stuck.
Even pepperoni from pizza gets stuck.
Toothpicks don’t work
Fingernails don’t work
Somehow, someway, it just goes away.
I think I know how.
Meat in the teeth gnomes come while you sleep.
They pull the meat out and feast for the night.
And you thought they just stood in your garden.
Do you have a better explanation?

Diets

DIETS
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody sees a new diet that they think will help them
Look better or lose weight, or feel better
Many involve cutting certain foods from your diet
Like the Atkin’s protein diet, cutting carbs
As much as I love protein, and I do love protein
I cannot live without carbs, as I love them too
There are no-fat, low-fat diets
Then there’s what I’m on
The William Shatner, All-Bran 2 week challenge.
Except I’m on day 1, so nothing noticeable yet.

Smart Cars Volume II

SMART CARS VOLUME II
By John Ross Harvey

You’ve seen them,
Little golf-cart sized 2 seaters
What’s SMART about them
In accident, you will lose
Good on gas fine
Semi-affordable, if you have a semi-decent income, fine
Gonna lose in a fender bender
Not so fine
There’s just a bumper, you and the bumper
Chances are if you hit someone else’s
Their bumper will go past the one that’s behind you.
So I ask you
Why call them SMART?
Subcompact Motorized Auto Reduced to Trash

Habits

HABITS
By John Ross Harvey

Good drivers have good driving habits
Signaling lane changes
Stopping at blocked intersections
Using headlights
Clearing snow
Bad drivers have bad driving habits
Never signaling
Always blocking intersections
Never using headlights
Never clearing snow
But people themselves had odd habits unrelated to driving.
Such as the following habits of mine:
Sandwiches (Grilled Cheese mostly) cut in rectangles, not triangles.
Eating junk food in multiples of 2, 2 cookies, 4 Smarties, 16 chips
It’s a little bit difficult to count Macaroni elbows, so I count spoonfuls.
Count bites into ice-cream bars like Fudgesicles, must be a multiple of 16.
Cutting food into even number of morsels (16)
A specific cut pattern for round food like pancakes and sausage patties.
No food is mixed unless I decide I like that mix,
So Broccoli and Beef are not mixed with rice when I eat a stir-fry
But I will gladly mix cranberries with my rice, just not while having broccoli
I will gladly pour Maple Syrup over sausages and bacon too.
My best fruit intake, and taste testing, is via alcoholic beverages
I would likely never eat a bowl of mixed mango, kiwi, lime, and pomegranate
But I’ll drink a cooler with that mix.
I gave up ketchup many years ago
I gave up salt many years ago, if its there I can’t do much about it, but I never add it.
I don’t drink coffee, but can manage cappuccino or iced caps.
I prefer tea, no sugar, just milk.
Gave up sugar adding ages ago too.
I prefer hot dogs plain, but barbequed or broiled, and well browned/burned and split.
Steaks must be medium-rare; I like the blood/juice melt-in mouth texture.
Eggs, for many years only hard-boiled would do, now I can handle scrambled
It was seeing them smothered in ketchup that turned me off for many years.
Fried is also good, but less runny, more hardened please.
So everybody has quirky habits
Usually associated with food
What are your habits?

Acronyms Are for Life (AAFL)

ACRONYMS ARE FOR LIFE (AAFL)
By John Ross Harvey

You watch TV
YTV, CTV, MTV, & TSN
Your favourite shows are ER & CSI
Your work must be done ASAP
Email jokes respond with LOL
Headaches require some ASA
And that’s Another Stupid Acronym
Documents must be saved in PDF
Your dream TV is and LCD
Your dream car is a GTO
You commute on the TTC or the GO
If you don’t commute you drive an SUV
Or you have an ancient LTD
You can’t wait for the weekend TGIF
You need help you use SOS
You can’t escape them
AAFL

Horn Happy Harry(iet)s

HORN HAPPY HARRY(IET)S
By John Ross Harvey

You know the type
The light turns green
And regardless of what’s in front of you
This guy/girl from 4 cars back will HONK
0.0000000000000000000000000000001s after it turned green
Could be a fire truck coming
A pedestrian walking
(How inhuman is that behaviour?)
Or traffic may just not be moving
Like a blocked Intersection or Highway Volume
But HORN HAPPY HARRY(IET) has to HONK
If their lane has ended and they’ve yet to signal out
They will HONK like we’re supposed to let them in.
You will be backing out of a parking space
And because they feel you’re in their way
They will HONK
Instead of letting you out.
They will go to find their friend in an apartment complex
Where a call button gizmo is useful
And HONK from the driveway, like 500 other people aren’t listening.
Just once I’d like to see these HHH’s honk at a cop
The unmarked variety so it’s a real shock to their system.
Maybe they’ll finally learn patience.
But that’s impossible
Just like skiing through a revolving door

Fudgeos

FUDGEOS
By John Ross Harvey

When I first started eating Fudgeos as a child
They had 3 dots on each side of the cookie
Of Chocolate filling
That’s what made them identifiable
Compared to a typical chocolate filled cookie
Or even an Oreo
(I hate Oreos)
I say we petition the makers of Fudgeos
To put the Dots back in
Fudgeos need to be real Fudgeos
Otherwise it’s just another Chocolate filled cookieLet’s do it now!

Stupid Questions

STUPID QUESTIONS
By John Ross Harvey

Inevitably you will be asked a question
That defies your own personal limits of stupidity
Like when you say you work in Toronto
(A city of close to 3 million people)
And they ask: “Do you know this guy we met a few years ago?”
When they visited Toronto
You’re polite answer is of course: “Well, I guess we never crossed paths.”
But inside you really want to say: “What are you, an idiot?”
You could be an operator and someone will ask
The phone number for 1-800 something company
If you’re walking your dog in the park c/w a leash attached
And a guy asks: “Is this your dog?”
“Why, yes.” You say, but want to say. “What was your first clue genius?”
An old colleague of mine once told me his favourite saying
“Genius has Limits, Stupidity is Boundless.”A truer statement was never said.

Motorists Are Diseased

MOTORISTS ARE DISEASED
By John Ross Harvey

The majority of the motorists I see on our roads
Are suffering from a disease
It’s known as DDD
Directional Deficit Disorder
Here are the Symptoms:
-Failure to read and/or believe road signs like
THIS LANE ENDS or RIGHT TURN ONLY or THIS LANE MUST EXIT
-Inability to stay in one lane for extended periods
-Inability to signal a lane change
-Inability to turn left into a left lane
-Inability to turn right into a right lane
(Two lanes at once, means you’re a dunce, get psychological help)
-Inability to accept a lane opening while merging
-Inability to notice parked cars blocking their lanes
(Also known as PPCPPS or Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putz Syndrome)
-Inability to stop at a blocked intersection
(Also known as BI or Blocked Intersectionitis)
-Using escape lanes to pass people
Commonly known as ELB or Escape Lane Bandits
I call them LLL or Lost Lane Losers
The only thing being proven by any of these activities
Is the stupidity of the motorist, and how infected they are by this disease.
WARNING: DDD IS HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS!
No one is completely immune
I have seen Driving Instructors and Police with these afflictions
It’s amazing how much better someone can drive
If they bother to read, or use their eyesight.
This ends your Public Service Announcement

New 7 Wonders Of The World

NEW 7 WONDERS OF THE WORLD
By John Ross Harvey

Time is ticking
Voting ends today
For the new 7 wonders of the modern world
Neuschwanstein is 1 of 7 that I’m voting for.
The other 6 are as follows:
Acropolis of Greece
Easter Island Statues
Eiffel Tower
Stonehenge
Taj Mahal
And Sydney’s Opera House
Neuschwanstein is the quintessential dream castle
Kylemore Abbey in Ireland is it’s equal in my opinion
And not a choice to vote for
There are 21 choices and less than half a day to vote
Sadly Canada’s CN Tower is not among the choices
US Statue of Liberty is a choice
And I suspect will be one of the 7 winners.
Which is why I am voting for 7 other choices.
07/07/07 announcement in Lisbon
Vote Now!

Dashboards

DASHBOARDS
By John Ross Harvey

Let’s face it
Dashboards are shelves
Just look at any company trucks
The dashboards are full of maps, tickets, letters, and junk
In a very frantic stopping maneuver
This is likely a bad thing
Papers flying everywhere!
My own dashboard is full of junk too
My broken radio antenna (or Aerial),
My recently broken wiper blade,
Many parking lot stubs,
And a Dr. Doom Figurine my kids gave me.
Dr. Doom is the greatest misunderstood comic villain
He fits between the glass and the dashboard
Right in front of my steering wheel
None of these items have flown off yet
But it’s probably not going to be pretty if they do
Perhaps I should clean my dashboard?
Before I get decapitated
What’s on your dashboard?

Wiper Blades

WIPER BLADES
By John Ross Harvey

Most wipers are made somewhat universal
Many have an ability to grab a wiper arm hook
That’s what my car has, hooks
Yet my wipers do not lock on that hook
At least the passenger side does not
Twice this morning in the rain
The passenger side wiper came off
The first time I was able to pull over
And reinstall it on the hook
Quiet street, low speed limit, lots of parking area
The second time, I was not
And it fell to the road
Lakeshore Boulevard
A very busy street, higher speed limit, nowhere to park
I had to drive back to the area, park illegally
Put on my 4-way hazard lights
And wait for traffic to stop for the red light
So I could grab my wiper blade
Right in front of the Police car
Sadly, it got well run over
And my car is now 1 blade short of a clear window
The arm is up to prevent scratching the window
So in essence, it’s lifting a finger to the world
Take that, useless wiper blade!

Chocolate Is Good For You

CHOCOLATE IS GOOD FOR YOU
By John Ross Harvey

From news article found at http://www.ctv.ca/

Findings are interesting because they suggest it takes only a 6.3 gram serving of dark chocolate per day - only 30 calories worth - to lower blood pressure. In the study, researchers from the University Hospital in Cologne, Germany gave 44 volunteers, aged 55 to 75 years, either 6.3 grams of dark chocolate or an equivalent 30 calorie portion of white chocolate for 18 weeks. Participants were otherwise healthy except for having prehypertension or hypertension and were not taking blood pressure medications.
After 18 weeks, no one gained weight but only dark chocolate eaters experienced a decline in blood pressure. Everyone in the dark chocolate group had lower systolic or diastolic blood pressure and four people moved from hypertension to prehypertension.
The researchers noted that while the magnitude of blood pressure lowering was small, it was noteworthy. On a population level, such reductions would lower deaths from stroke and heart disease.
This isn't the first study to demonstrate chocolate's ability to reduce elevated blood pressure. In 2005, Italian researchers reported that eating a daily dose (100 grams) of dark chocolate for two weeks lowered blood pressure in 20 men and women with high blood pressure. Other studies have found similar results. But 100 grams of dark chocolate translates into 470 calories and 30 grams of fat - and amount that over the long term could cause weight gain and undo the positive effects on blood pressure.

See, Chocolate is good for you
Scientists agree
But Dark is Best
Travel on over to the Dark Side
The Force is Strong in this One

Warnings and Labels

WARNINGS AND LABELS
By John Ross Harvey

Soup Mix: Pour in contents and reduce heat……..to what??????
Microwave dinners: Be careful, it’s hot!……Not before I cook it!
Soft drink cans: Lift and pull back tab………Is this for the rocket scientists?
Candy bars: May contain traces of nuts……..It does or does not? Answer the question!
Pillows: Removing tag is a federal offense….The secret agency of pillow enforcement or SAPE
That’s almost as funny as Johnny Fever on WKRP’s Phone cops.
Cardboard boxed food: Open other end…….Finally a sense of humour!
Ice Cream: Keep Frozen…………………….Then its just Cream, not Ice
Scented Candles: Contains essential oils…….PCP???? Hash????
Dashboard of new vehicles: Caution-Air Bag….Children in the back seat, you Unfit Parent!

Metro Toronto Police

I went to the free outdoor concert Country 95 puts on every year
and parking on the grass at Lakeshore has never been an issue.
5th year going and the lovely Metro Police decide to make a quick pile of dough
and ticket around 1000's of cars with $50 tickets
Where are they supposed to park losers??????????????
You have no lots, TTC doesn't even go there
and the Mayor approves the concert venue every year
which means Metro Police, you were very bad
and need to pay for your actions,
by making all of those 1000's of tickets
null and void
NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Political Jargon

POLITICAL JARGON
By John Ross Harvey

I’ve been reading Michael Moore recently
Dude, Where’s My Country
I have to say, highly entertaining and enlightening read.
But based on some of what I’ve read
Here are some political taglines, and other items, and what they mean.

Collateral Damage: We killed them, they didn’t kill us instead.
Casualties: They killed us, we didn’t kill them instead.
Terrorism: They killed us, we didn’t kill them instead
War on Terror: Protect our Oil
Smart Bombs: Not all that smart really, blowing up the wrong places.
Precision Strikes: We let go a few bombs, didn’t really check where they’d land
Free the Iraqi People: Take control of their government to protect our Oil
The Taliban: Former partners with Texas Oil Companies
Bin Laden: Everyone except that Osama guy is our friend, because of Oil
Osama: We don’t like this son of theirs
Saddam: A Dictator that had nothing to do with Al Qaeda
Oil: Plastic and Gasoline, we depend on this stuff, it controls the government
Election: Where the state of the brother of a candidate can fix its results
God: Believe me, and Michael, he wants nothing to do with George W.
God Bless America: Why? Canada is much nicer, bless us instead.
Terrorist Cells: Suspected Evildoers that they actually found
Guantanamo Bay: Where all rights of the imprisoned cease to exist, regardless of guilt
9-11: Ok, that’s month and day; it should be 11-9, which is day and month

Patrick Dempsey

PATRICK DEMPSEY
By John Ross Harvey

So, this was a pimple-faced teenager
Played a pizza boy in a movie
Then he played a mistaken fugitive in Run
Then he re-surfaced as the other guy
In Reese Witherspoon’s movie
Sweet Home Alabama
Now he’s McDreamy
On Grey’s Anatomy
Being unattractive isn’t all bad
Just become a celebrity
And they drool for you anyway.
He’s not exactly George Clooney

How Many Nicknames Do You Have?

HOW MANY NICKNAMES DO YOU HAVE?
By John Ross Harvey

There are the obvious John nicknames
Downstairs John, Johnny Blue Eyes, Spanish Johnny, Johnny Baby
There are the obvious Harvey nicknames
Lee Harvey Oswald aka just Oswald
Harvey Wallbanger aka just Wallbanger
Harvey’s Hamburgers…need I say more?
And John Ross is of course J.R.
The same J.R. as J.R. Ewing
So I get Ewing of course
But I had it first
But narrowly missing out on the whole celeb deal
Because NBC didn’t feel like airing my audition
For Last Comic Standing
I could have gone with a celeb name
John Ross could have become JRo
Why not?
Maybe then Google could find this blog for a change