Girl Friends Vs. Girlfriends

GIRL FRIENDS VS. GIRLFRIENDS
By John Ross Harvey

Being a married man
My Girlfriend is of course my wife
But I have several Girl Friends
And a man should be allowed
To have conversations
With women that aren’t his better half.
To be honest
The men at work just aren’t that fun
No offense to my male friends
But I much prefer talking with the female variety
Even if the topic changes to a feminine subject
Women seem to have no problem
Talking about pregnancy, bridal showers, and undergarments
While in my presence
I don’t have to respond to the topics
But the women are not particularly bothered
By my being in earshot of the conversation
Whatever it might be
And it’s not like smiles from men do much for you
Whereas a woman’s smile can improve your day
And their work attire can often improve your day
It’s unlikely your pals’ new loafers will ever hold a candle
To the girl’s new miniskirt or form fitting tee
Obviously you don’t comment on the outfit
Unless you are asked specifically
Then you would give the token comment “You look good.”
It’s not like “You have a great booty.” will go over big
And they wont sit near you for lunch ever again
Then you’d be stuck with the guys
Talking about their new loafers

More Driving Commandments

MORE DRIVING COMMANDMENTS
By John Ross Harvey

First a recap
The Vatican’s 10 commandments:

1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.

And my First ten

1. Single thy intentions with an indicator light
2. Obey thy school zone speed limits, and thy school bus stop lights
3. Impairment is not from alcohol alone. Always ensure thy visibility, clean snow, rain, mud, frost, and other articles of potential vision impairment at all times
4. Use thy headlights, real headlights, we cannot see thy grey car without them
5. Read and obey all thy traffic signage and lighting. Never blocketh thy intersection.
6. Never drive in thy wrong lane, if turning right, don’t do so from left, and vise versa
7. Driving is a courtesy, not a privilege, respect thy fellow motorists
8. Be awake and alert before driving thy vehicle
9. Avoid distractions, like thy beverages, cell phones, and pda’s, use wisely.
10. Maintain thy vehicle, to prevent vehicular disasters, check thy air pressure.


So let’s come up with some more.

11. Thou shall not own a BMW, as it doth destroy all driving knowledge.
12. Thou shall not put whiteout taillights on a vehicle so that it brakes Pink!
13. Thou shall not swerve into opposing traffic to avoid manholes, potholes, and other obstacles too tall for thy dropped Honda Civic
14. Thou shall not drive a Hummer and deplete the world’s gasoline supply
15. Thou shall not take more than one lane upon turning
16. Thou shall not take the escape lanes to their triangular limits, whether starting from there or entering it as a means to prove you’re a complete idiot
17. Thou shall not carry devices capable of intercepting radar or communication from police band radio
18. Thou shall not put opaque acrylic plate covers to avoid paying tolls for the 407
19. Thou shall not endanger children’s lives by speeding in residential streets
20. Thou shall not honk one’s horn mere nanoseconds after a traffic light has changed

And perhaps a few more then?

21. Thou shall not honk one’s horn at the motorist waiting for pedestrians to cross
22. Thou shall not drive up the inside of the driver turning in front of you
23. Thou shall not pull behind a transport truck out of sight of its mirrors
24. Thou shall not disregard openings in traffic presented for you to leave your lane, doing so means you have less chance of getting it back
25. Thou shall not push for a space in front of a motorist you do not fit in, when the available lane behind that motorist could hold the population of China
26. Thou shall understand that Grey cars, on grey roads, under grey skies, are invisible
27. Thou shall understand that Black cars, on black roads, under black skies are invisible too
28. Thou shall understand that driving a Snow bank is being Impaired
29. Thou shall understand that a Green Light does not mean go ahead and block the intersection you moron
30. Thou shall always pull over when a siren is heard. Ambulance, Fire, or Police, if you don’t pull over or stay out of the intersection they need to get through, the police should prevent you from ever getting behind a wheel ever again.

Vatican Issues 10 Commandments of Driving

VATICAN ISSUES 10 COMMANDMENTS OF DRIVING
By John Ross Harvey

They should have read my blog first but here goes…
http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/06/19/news/vat.php is best link I could find

The "Drivers' Ten Commandments" as listed by the document are:
1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.

Not saying these are bad, quite good in fact, number 8 would be most difficult to perform.

May I add my own 10?

Single thy intentions with an indicator light
Obey thy school zone speed limits, and thy school bus stop lights
Impairment is not from alcohol alone. Always ensure thy visibility, clean snow, rain, mud, frost, and other articles of potential vision impairment at all times
Use thy headlights, real headlights, we cannot see thy grey car without them
Read and obey all thy traffic signage and lighting. Never blocketh thy intersection.
Never drive in thy wrong lane, if turning right, don’t do so from left, and vise versa
Driving is a courtesy, not a privilege, respect thy fellow motorists
Be awake and alert before driving thy vehicle
Avoid distractions, like thy beverages, cell phones, and pda’s, use wisely.
Maintain thy vehicle, to prevent vehicular disasters, check thy air pressure.


Quite honestly I could go on for more than 10
But I shall give thee the opportunity to contemplate these additional
Given by the prophet of better driving himself, Me.

Boss Is Away

BOSS IS AWAY
By John Ross Harvey

The old saying
When the Boss is Away the Mice will Play
How did that saying ever come to be?
Why Mice?
Is the Boss a Cat?
Why that analogy?
My boss is away
For two weeks
I can play, but I’m too bored!
I prefer work
As sporadic as it may be
Two weeks of boredom is sure to
Make me mentally unstable
And that cannot be a good thing
Because I’m not entirely sane now.

Ingredients Listing

INGREDIENTS LISTING
By John Ross Harvey

Everything you consume
Beverages, Food, Smokes
All list ingredients
But why not scented candles?
What exactly is in those things?
Autumn stroll, and summer breeze?
Is that Cocaine, and Marijuana?
How do we know?
They merely say
“Contains essential oils”
Oil of what?
Hash?
PCP?
What oils?
Why are Candles not required to list their ingredients?
That’s an airborne substance
That’s how viruses are spread
Are scented candles really viruses in disguise?
Will you ever buy one again?

Bring the Predators to Hamilton

BRING THE PREDATORS TO HAMILTON
By John Ross Harvey

Nashville is a great city
For Country Music
It is not a great city
For Hockey
Hamilton is a great city for Hockey
The FinCups, The Bulldogs,
Why not the Predators?
Why must an archaic regional boundary
Dictate where a team can or cannot play hockey?
New York, New York, and New Jersey
A whole lot closer than
Toronto, Hamilton, and Buffalo
So let it happen
Hamilton will support the team
Just check the season ticket sales so far
More than the Nashville team ever had
Keep the name, or change it
To the Hamilton Steelheads
It makes no difference.
Hamilton can and will support an NHL team.
Don’t deny it
Toronto and Buffalo will not lose fans
Toronto never could
Bring the team to Hamilton
Do the right thing.

Scratch Card Lotteries

SCRATCH CARD LOTTERIES
By John Ross Harvey

With my birthday recently passed
And father’s day afterwards
I received a few scratch card lotto tickets
2 with “Price Is Right” games
Plinko and Mountain Climber
1 of those cards I missed out
On $75,000….TWICE!
Another card I had was Texas Hold’em
If your hand beats theirs
Combined with the river
You win
I thought I’d won on 2 games
1 for $500, 1 for $250,000
On closer inspection I did not
My $500 game my 2 Aces lost to a straight
Which wasn’t so apparent at first glance.
My $250,000 game I had a straight
It seemed the opponent had nothing
But it had a Flush
I was king of the Universe in one moment
And a mere speck the next
Do these cards ever win??????????

I Told You I Was Right!!!!!!

I TOLD YOU I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!
By John Ross Harvey

http://www.globeauto.com/servlet/story/LAC.20070614.WHBRIEFS14-1/GAStory/specialGlobeAuto/home/?query=

Black cars most likely to be in crashes
Reuters News Agency
Black cars are most likely to be involved in car accidents while white cars are the safest, according to an Australian study.

THEY DON’T HAVE SNOW. STUDY CHANGES FOR CANADA!

The accident research centre at Melbourne's Monash University examined the relationship between 17 vehicle colours and crash risk by analyzing police data from two states and found there was a statistically significant relationship.
"Compared to white vehicles, a number of colours were associated with higher crash risk," said the report.

"These colours are generally those lower on the visibility index and include black, blue, grey, green, red and silver."

Researchers found that there was 12 per cent higher risk of having a crash in a black car during daylight hours than in a white vehicle. After black, the vehicle colour with the highest risk was grey followed by silver, blue and red.
"All the statistically significant results are for colours that are low on the visibility spectrum or low in contrast to key road features, such as the grey of the road surface," team leader Stuart Newstead wrote .

Look back at my many rants on grey cars. This is why!The study was based on data from the state of Victoria involving 102,559 injured drivers from 1982- to 2004-model vehicles and Western Australian data about 752,699 drivers of vehicles made between 1982 and 2004.

Rare Lobster

RARE LOBSTER
By John Ross Harvey

Story on the Internet
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070612/ap_on_fe_st/odd_blue_lobster
Blue lobster saved from cooker
Like it’s the only blue lobster ever in existence
Go to the Vaughan Walmart Supermarket
And see at least 3-4 blue lobsters waiting to be cooked
How rare can it be?

TV Show Update

I was in the back of the outdoor lineup with the Mountie, and was directly beside the guy warming his hands to the horse dung, not that you could see me in either of those scenes.
The crazy hubcap lady, changed to a fur hat apparently, and was sent packing on air
The Gerry Dee guy is nuts, I have no idea why a Gorilla costume beat out the other people there.
You-tube has some clips, but I'm not there yet. Though one of my 2004 classmates is, Chrissy.
Thanks for watching if you did.

Traffic Reports

TRAFFIC REPORTS
By John Ross Harvey

Yesterday morning the 407 was shut down
In both directions near the 400
If people bothered to listen on radio
Or check the TV for
Traffic Reports
They would know
Why there is a long lineup
Going down the 400
But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
They have to drive in the
Completely empty escape lane
Heading for the closed 407
And suddenly realize
Their mistake, and
Slow down and attempt to merge back
Into the 400 in front
Of many angry motorists
Already in line
Because they were smart enough
To listen for the
Traffic Report

Magnetic Field Vol. IV - Reprise

MAGNETIC FIELD VOLUME IV
By John Ross Harvey

If you read my previous three volumes
You will know as a meat-eater I have iron rich blood
Which creates a large magnetic field in my left hand
I screw up compasses
I kill UPS systems, and perhaps alarms
And avoid bankcard theft.
But perhaps it has another benefit?
I seem to have very good luck with regard to disasters.
Though I travel to Quebec often
I was not there during the Ice Storm.
Though I live north of Toronto and work there
I wasn’t here for the massive Aphid swarm
We all know about Mel’s army
And the Snowstorm of 1998
Wasn’t here for that either.
I was in Quebec.
Not so long ago I took a Friday off to
Enjoy Wonderland’s Waterpark
Which allowed me to avoid
Traffic Chaos caused by a Train Derailment.
Though the Maritimes often receive
Hurricane aftermaths
None showed during my time there last summer.
As I will be away from Toronto at end of July
Expect something bad to happen
While I’m gone
Or come with me to avoid it!

Magnetic Field Vol. III - Reprise

MAGNETIC FIELD VOLUME III
By John Ross Harvey

Like it or not, criminals are a devious bunch
With the new information age they can copy your cards.
Credit cards or Debit cards, whatever they can manage.
This is usually done at a card reader machine in stores
Forcing you to swipe more than once.
This happened to me recently.
My debit card was copied and an attempt to access my accounts failed.
The bank discovered the failure and called me in.
They issued me a new card and I created a new PIN #
But I have to wonder why they failed?
I’ll bet it was my Magnetic Field.
I knew it would benefit me one day!

Magnetic Field Vol. II - Reprise

MAGNETIC FIELD VOL. II
By John Ross Harvey

As I may have mentioned before
I possess a strong magnetic field
It messes up radio reception and watches.
The other day it messed up my work Computer.
While doing a simple task it decided to freeze.
This was presumably caused by overheating?
The fan went ballistic, so I pulled the plug.
I had to use another person’s Computer
And while doing the same simple task
It had three physical memory dumps.
I lost over a half hours worth of work.
Did I mention this guy’s computer had a UPS?
Uninterruptible Power Supply.
I guess when Magneto is about,
No power supply is uninterruptible.

Magnetic Field - Reprise

MAGNETIC FIELD
By John Ross Harvey

You all know about magnetism.
North poles, south poles, the earth is magnetic,
Compasses point North
Opposites attract, likes repell, the whole schpiel.
Love is usually equated to magnetism.
At a sub-atomic level this may be true, considering
Much of what we digest contains metal properties,
Iron, MAGNESIUM, etc. etc.
On the Tv show LOST, it’s been theorized that the island
Is overly magnetic, and may be in synch with brain waves
Hence creating whatever one thinks.
It was speculated when the compass was several degrees off of North.
I happen to have the same effect on compasses.
North points to me, at least in my left hand.
I have to wear watches on my belt, as my hand destroys them over time.
They lose seconds, minutes, and eventually hours, if I forget to check.
There’s a comic book of mutants called the X-men.
Perhaps you’ve seen the movies, the arch-villain is Magneto.
Magneto has harnessed magnetic powers that allow him to fly, and
Destroy anything slightly metallic, like gates, or cars.
I haven’t quite mastered this ability; I’m still working on a spoon.
Just feed me more steak and I’ll get there.

Bladder Control

BLADDER CONTROL
By John Ross Harvey

The urge to go to the washroom is very different
Between Men and Women
In a School/Work environment
Women pair up with friends for trips to the W.C.
Men do not pair up.
They go when a need arises
However, more often than not
At those specific times of the day
Those men will see the same other men
In the washroom whenever they use it
In our workplace there are at least three
Men in our office that arrive at the washroom
Within minutes of each other, and myself
One suddenly realized he kept seeing me
So he joked that we must have identical bladders
Which may be so, even though he’s a foot taller
Coffee and Tea must have a certain time
That they remain in our bodies
Before forcing the urge to displace
Perhaps it was much easier as a baby when
Your diapers helped you out
You may learn if that’s true
When you develop a senior need
For Bladder Control
For now I’ll keep drinking Tea
And hope to not see the same people

Newsflash

A while ago, at March Break, read St. Patrick's Day, I was on vacation, but I wasn't being inactive. I went to Montreal for a reason, it was the only Canadian Stop for Last Comic Standing Auditions (Some of you may recall I took Comedy Writing Workshop at Humber in summer of 2004) Though I lined at 8:30 up in the morning and received a number for my potential audition then, We soon realised that TV takes its time. Having drawn number 76 of likely little over 120 numbers handed out, the other potential comedians and I, (many well established, like a recent member of Air Farce) (and some of those had preset invitation times for auditioning)
waited at the Starbucks on Avenue Du Parc most of the day,(not only is there a new language for ordering coffee, there is a call button to open the washrooms)
and found that number 20 was only done by noon. Our chances in the 70's were slim for 5:00pm The supposed cut-off time. The group I hung around with then went for lunch around 3:30pm Then we all went to the audition venue, Kola Note (which resides above a carpet store), and crammed the stairwell for the remaining time.
Auditions were now possibly extended to 6:30pm Number 52 was out by 4:00pm Looked like they were cutting people off after 90. Behind me, was a crazy old lady with a hubcap, we don't know why. Chances are she'll be on tv. About 6:00pm I took the stage Having been requested to state where we live and who we are I mentioned I live in the Ferrari fan capital of Canada without cheering for them, and I'm not dead. One judge had no idea what that meant. One judge was a McLaren fan like me. The other had trouble getting past my super powers, and joined me on stage so I could prove them to him. To understand what that means, you'll just have to watch. That makes me 99.9% certain I will be on TV. Unable to continue a routine, I was shuffled off as a mere freak of nature. You be the judge,... er another judge that wasn't them. If they don't air that (but I think they will), there was a lineup segment with a mounted policeman that I'm certain to be in.
http://www.nbc.com/Summer/Last_Comic_Standing.shtml June 13th premiere

Punchbuggy No Punch Back

PUNCHBUGGY-NO PUNCH BACK
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody knows the game
See a VW bug, beetle, whatever you call it
And Punch somebody’s shoulder after seeing it
Then say “Punchbuggy, no punch back!”
Obviously to see the Herbie movie we needed to amend this game.
No Punching for the movie.
On our vacation, which was some 6000km of driving
We had the kids keep track on a clipboard all the Punchbuggies
In order to still have a shoulder.
After about 100 of them in the first week they gave up counting.
But it was fun as they called all the older bugs Herbies.
It’s always a good idea to count something on a long trip
It makes the time pass faster.
On a regular Toronto to Montreal trek we count certain trucks
SGT
You can guess what that stands for, but the G is a really bad green
Sometimes with kids in the vehicle the S will require amendment.

Photocopiers

PHOTOCOPIERS
By John Ross Harvey

Photocopiers are one of those things that are often mislabeled
Often called Xerox even if they’re made by Canon or perhaps LG
For some reason there are several varieties of these machines
Trays and spools and toner cartridges all in different places
Toner is probably the worst part of photocopiers
Putting it in turns you into a chimney sweep.
Covered from head to toe in black powder
Supposedly there’s an automatic button
It can figure out what paper size you want by what you insert
Or can it?
Pressing Auto button…
Which size? 11x17,Legal, or Letter?
I pressed AUTO!
This doesn’t appear to function accurately.
Now when it’s jammed it gives you fifteen locations to look for it.
And when you get to the fifteenth one, the paper is finally found.
To sum things up Photocopiers are stupid.
It doesn’t matter if you tell it what to do, it still asks.
It doesn’t matter if it’s jammed in one spot; it makes you check everywhere.
One day I hope these problems will be solved
Until then just hit the multiple copy button on your printer.Printers don’t turn you into a chimneysweep.

Uneducated

UNEDUCATED
By John Ross Harvey

You’ll find these people everywhere
Driving inappropriately
Speaking inappropriately
And writing Inappropriately
The old adage holds true
If you don’t like it, don’t watch it, or read it or whatever.
Writing or speaking a ridiculous comment
Only proves one’s own lack of an education
If you care to criticize, actually criticize
A general based ridiculous commentary means nothing
Which is likely equal to the intelligence required to form it.
Next time someone wants to express themselves
Try to use a coherent thought

Learning To Fly

LEARNING TO FLY
By John Ross Harvey

It’s not everyday you get to see something special
Some fledgling baby Robins were in our back yard
We back on to a row of townhouses
So between our neighbours and the townhouse row
Is where the Robins were learning to fly
It suddenly made sense why the Father Robin was squawking
He was telling them to test their wings in flight
Unfortunately, they don’t earn their wings immediately
Unable to catch the eaves trough they fell to the next windowsill
We watched the 2 learning Robins hit windows and fall
And we winced each time
But then they fell and missed the windows
Both of them
Now we were worried
Soon we saw one try again
Apparently not hurt by the fall, perhaps stunned
And he fell again, ouch!
The night sky got dark and we couldn’t see them anymore
This morning one of the two stayed on the fence rail
Despite dad calling him to fly
Hopefully the other one is flying around, as I hadn’t seen it.
I’ll try to keep you posted on their progressJust felt I had to share my moment.

Truly Great Advertising

TRULY GREAT ADVERTISING
By John Ross Harvey

Truly great commercials are the kind
That makes you want to see more
Even if you’re not buying the product
Just so you can see what happens next
When I was younger
It was Bartles and James coolers
Those guys were a howl
Now recently are Solo cell phones
The main character of each commercial
Talks with one person, and gets call waiting
To talk with the next
And the cycle continues as you see the second person
Each commercial after that
Guy’s playing racquetball, calls his sister about mom’s birthday
Sister gets a call from mom as she changes the cake
Mom is vacuuming and calls her Canasta partner
Canasta partner is a plumber and gets a call from a client
Client lost his toupee down the sink and needs to call the girlfriend
Girlfriend gets a story about squirrels and a call about a clown
The party needing a clown calls the clown
The clown’s having coffee and wishing to play Shakespeare
As the girlfriend walks in the shop
I don’t know what’s next
But I want to know where it ends!!!!!

How to Drive Like a Torontonian

HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A TORONTONIAN
By John Ross Harvey

Disclaimer: Not to be attempted, not on a closed course, not by professional drivers

When making a left turn always go over to the right hand lane
This helps tick off the guy behind you
When turning right make sure you take the left lane
It’s important to piss everyone off
When making a lane change, never signal, they can read your mind
If the lineup to turn is too long, go around it,
Why wait when you can the jerk in the lead?
If you smoke, make sure you throw your butts out the window
The guys flashing their high beams and honking are jealous they don’t smoke
Never read a road sign, the lane ends whenever you feel like it
Even if it’s the shoulder
Always go on a green light, the idiots in front have to move for you
When the Intersection is blocked
Never pull over when you hear sirens
Especially at an Intersection
The firemen are trained to drive around moving cars
Always park at the front door, never look for a parking spot
Too bad if people are pissed you’re smarter than them
Always waste time in a drive-through
Change your order 6 times and leave with just a coffee
The other buggers late for work will love you for it
Always drive a grey car without lights on
Especially in the rain and fog
If you have to change your tire
The mini is ok for the highway
Don’t believe the people that bother to read it
Always re-wire your tail lights
It keeps the people guessing if your brakes work
Always wait till last moment from 3 lanes over
When exiting a highway
Never accept the big opening when you enter a highway
That small one in front of the next guy is a better spot
Chase him down if he wont let you have it
Remember everybody has to get out of your way
Honk if necessary
I’m allowed to try passing you between parked cars
You have to give way to my SUV
When the light is red
Everybody in the turning line can still go
The advance green guys can wait for us

Laugh or cry, everything listed happens, every day .
Don’t join the untrained motorists
Don’t do any of the above actions.

Over 40

OVER 40
By John Ross Harvey

Your debt-load is your age x 1000
You remember your first car had a V8
You remember Columbo
You remember the original Price Is Right girls
You remember Hee-Haw
Your hair stopped growing on your head
Your back aches
You wear sneakers, not loafers
You used to have to drive to find a Tim’s
You remember the Colonel did his own commercials
You know who the Colonel is
Your favourite bands members are over 60 or close to it
You remember celebrities used to play sports on TV, now they dance
You remember Howard Cosell
You remember TV aerials
You remember TV converters with a wire and huge buttons
You remember Black & White TV
You remember McDonald’s wasn’t a once a week choice
You remember the Buffalo Zoo
You try to forget your old

Gun Control

Comment only , not humour

GUN CONTROL
By John Ross Harvey

We’ve all heard of school shootings
Montreal
Columbine
And the others
Now Toronto
Smart quiet kid, not in gangs
Probably was bullied once too often
So they found a gun
It shouldn’t happen
Parents are supposed to raise their kids
Know what they are going through
And tell them they are loved
Somehow, somewhere
Something happened to this child
And no one helped
If they did
Acts like this could’ve been prevented
Maybe it was the school
Maybe they were bullied
Maybe their parents weren’t there for them
Something failed
Somehow they got a gun
Now we have to live with this reality
We need to prevent it from repeating
Guns should be off the streets

Nature

NATURE
By John Ross Harvey

You may not have heard of Crane-flies
But they look like giant mosquitoes
That eat grass and annoy you in your yard
So I saw one stuck in a web
On my back fence
Flying in circles in an exercise in futility
Except that it got out of the web
The stupid fly beat the spider by escaping
So it flies to another part of the fence
A robin flies in and watches
So the fly makes for flight again
And is eaten by the Robin
Sometimes it doesn’t pay to win
At least not in nature

Mars Water Discovery

MARS WATER DISCOVERY
By John Ross Harvey

Just read in the news that one of the Rovers
Has found new evidence
Of water being on Planet Mars
Not being there now
But being there before
Having uncovered Silica
Which is apparently evidence of water
But how was this discovered?
Well one of the Rovers, got its wheel stuck
So while it dragged its wheel
It found Silica under the track
That’s the beauty of NASA
It’s greatest failures become their greatest achievements
Apollo 13
And now Rover “Spirit”
If its wheel didn’t get stuck
We may still be searching
Don’t you just love the irony
Failure=Discovery
Media should have a field day on that.

If You Were Famous

IF YOU WERE FAMOUS
By John Ross Harvey

Firstly you need to stand out from a crowd in some way
Perhaps have some type of super-power
Or a ridiculous look about you
But after being recognized for whatever that was
How many talk shows are there to be interviewed by?
What will they pay you, to do so?
Or do they?
Is a one-time event worthy of an appearance fee?
I sure hope so
A Gas Station owner named Dick Assman
Was unlikely to show up on Letterman without one.
Would you have gone on Dave for free with that name?
So let’s say what you did is as weird as his name
So you are now the talk of the town, province, nation, continent etc.
What shows would you appear on?
The Big 5 Late-Nights: Letterman, Leno, Conan, Kimmel, and Ferguson
The lesser known, but just as funny, sometimes, Stewart and Daley
The daytime shows Regis & Kelly, The View, Ellen
The tabloid shows ET and Access Hollywood
The Canadian versions ET-Canada, and E-talk
Whatever show Rivers did
Then there are the Celebrity shows like
Dancing with the Stars, and
I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here
So potentially at least
Sixteen shows to charge an appearance fee for
Let’s average them at $20,000 US
For one moment in time, a potential to earn $320,000 US
And of course extend your 15 minutes of Fame
Which is a better result than winning a certain reality show
As the prize was $250,000 US
So I’m hoping this happens.
Maybe they can pay for my Passport I don’t have yet
And the airfare, and hotels, and food
And give me a new car or something
Or a house, or cottage maybe
Maybe I could be on with someone like Spielberg
Or the Director of X-men
And have a movie deal right then and there
Or with a TV producer
And be offered a sitcom or a reality show host job
It may be a big dream, but if you don’t aim high
You hit the bottom.
I wouldn’t live this moment alone though.
If I could bring someone along
These shows need musical acts
I could insist on some of my favourite
Lesser know artists to join me
And increase their fame, which they’ve worked hard for
Because that’s the kind of guy I am
Yes, I’d love the money
But If I can get someone else recognized for their talent as well
That pays better dividends in the long run.

Gas Prices

GAS PRICES
By John Ross Harvey

I know we love our vehicles, car, truck, SUV etc.
Most of us use gasoline-powered vehicles
Some use Propane, or Natural Gas
Fewer still use Electric or Hybrid gas-electric cars
Who’s happy with the price of gasoline today?
Not too many
I took a vacation on Canada’s East Coast
Gas prices ranged from 98.9 cents/litre to $1.069/litre
When I returned in Montreal it was $1.144/litre
Last year prices were averaging 75 cents/litre
Before that 65, before that 55, before that 49
This year has gone from 75-85-95-to over $1
Every oil company has an excuse for this gouging
It’s either the temperature, the demand, or the supply
It’s never, ever, their desire to fill their pockets
But clearly it is.
Does a loaf of bread change 4 times a day?
Does Milk or Pop?
Why is the oil industry allowed to fluctuate prices?
And claim no responsibility for the change?
It’s time we regulated prices to be constant.
I suggest 49.9 cents/litre forever.
If we run out of gas…
We’ll hitch a ride on an electric one.
If it’s cord is long enough.

Brain Disorder

BRAIN DISORDER
By John Ross Harvey

My sister-in-law has told me
That there is a brain disorder
Related to how people sleep at night.
It’s called RLS
Restless Leg Syndrome
You feel yourself losing consciousness
And your legs move frantically
Or just your feet
But it’s somewhat uncontrollable
I even have it when I’m just slightly tired
Like when I have very little to do at work
Or I sit in my living room chair
But I think it’s because
The Ottoman is higher
And my blood circulation is cut
Due to my legs being elevated
By the Ottoman
Aside from messing up the covers
What does this disorder mean?
Now we have proof
That I really am nuts!

How Cool is The Initial "J"? Ode to Larry Fedoruk

HOW COOL IS THE INITIAL “J”?
ODE TO LARRY FEDORUK
By John Ross Harvey

All you really need to be cool
Is to have a “J” in your name initials
RJ, TJ, PJ, BJ, or even
JP, JT, JD, and JK
AJ, CJ, DJ, now that’s cool
VJ, sounds like a golfer
MJ, Spiderman’s girlfriend, or is it his wife?
LJ, KJ, or OJ, perhaps not
JB, JC, JF, JG, JH, sounds familiar
JL, JLo, JM, I feel like having a Hotdog now
JO, JR, hey that’s me
JV could’ve been an F1 driver
Oh yeah, he already was
JZ sounds like a Rapper
So listen to a DJ playing JZ, watch a VJ, have some OJ
And tell them JR said so

Why I Rant

WHY I RANT
By John Ross Harvey

I have been ranting about bad driving
On this blog
And on-air of my favourite radios station
Country 95.3’s
Segment called Wednesday Whine Cellar
For a good long time now
There are many reasons why I do this
Let’s try to list them for you.

Driving properly is safe
Safe drivers live to see the next day
I care whether you see the next day
It may be tough love, but someone has to give it
I want you to think first
I want you to improve yourself
I want you to understand
Weather affects your safety
Light conditions affect your safety
Visibility is paramount to your safety
Driving is a courtesy not a privilege
Always signal intentions
Your children need their parents
Your afterlife can wait


So now you know
Just like Simon Cowell seems mean to singers
So they can be better singers
I seem mean to motorists
So they can become better drivers
It’s all from the heart
Your life has meaning
Don’t waste it by endangering it when you drive
Pay attention
Don’t lose the good habits
Don’t develop the bad ones.

Moments

MOMENTS
By John Ross Harvey

There are things that happen in life
Which are funny
You have to remember them
When painting our powder room red
I got paint on my head
My wife pointed at it and I said:
“Gorbachov!”
The antenna snapped off my car
After an ice storm
And the radio still works
So my car comes with a useless device
And the weather made me realize it.
Before I was married
I did a lip synching dance number
Complete with pyrotechnics on a green screen
To INXS’ New Sensation
Around the same time I went to a Portuguese wedding
And danced up a storm there
The bride informed me, that I was a celebrity in Portugal
Because I danced so madly
In her wedding video, which most of Portugal had then seen
I borrowed a movie off a friend
And slept through parts of it
I told her I liked what I saw
Which wasn’t really lying
I asked my neighbour to lend me her DaVinci Code book
She’d been trying to read it for months, but struggled
She saw me after I bought the paperback
When I was half done in 2 days
The look on her face was priceless.
Snowstorms always happen on days you need to be home early.
It only rains after you wash the car
Gas prices rise immediately before you need it.

Useless Points Programs and Contests

USELESS POINTS PROGRAMS AND CONTESTS
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody has a contest
Or a rewards program
Visa expects me to believe they’ll pay my bill
So are they going to pay at $10,000 or $10?
Tim Horton’s Rrroll up the Rrrim is usually not a winner.
I could use the Hybrid Camry or the Plasma TV
But I’m never going to get it
Then you have Gas Stations
Petro points, Esso Extra, Shell takes Air Miles
Sunoco takes CAA
Supposedly these points will be uselful to me someday
Presently I have several thousand points
Equivalent to about $10 max.
Everybody wants to think they’re getting more for their money
But are they?
How many people cash in these points?

My Alcohol Song

MY ALCOHOL SONG
By John Ross Harvey

I’m not your average comic
I’m quite above average
Above 40
Above 180 lbs
Above my maximum credit limit
Like some comics though
I like Country music
Partly attributable to my age
And partly attributable to my lifestyle
What do most popular country songs sing about?
Drinking
What adult over 40 doesn’t drink?
We have 5 o’clock somewhere
10 rounds of Jose Cuervo
Drinking Thinking
Whisky Lullaby
I Love this Bar
Beer for my Horses
And straight to the point Alcohol
And the lyrics are just as good as the drinks
If Brad Paisley hadn’t sung Alcohol
He could’ve used it as a stand-up routine
So let me try my hand at it

Smirnoff comes in Fire and Ice
Goes down smooth, tastes real nice
7% is way more than Beer
The drink I drink is a Vodka Cooler
Whisky’s smooth
Bailey’s is cool
White wine is sweet
Red wine rules

I'll keep my day job

The Right Side Of The Road

a similar description heard on Whine Cellar this morning

THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD
By John Ross Harvey

In North America
The Right side of the road to drive on
Is the Right side of the road
Not the left side
When taking a curve
You don’t go to the left to cut the corner
When the road has a chicane
Or serpentine bend
You not take the straight-line approach
You stay on the right hand side
Why would anyone think cutting a corner
Or straightening a bend is
How one drives?
People are coming the other way
Unless they are as bad as this
You will hit each other
I’ve had to yell at people heading towards me!
I stay on the right side
Cutting the corner puts you on the left
That’s the wrong side!
Don’t be wrong; stay right!

My Rant

MY RANT
By John Ross Harvey

Hi, I’m bald, overweight, and broke
I live in the Ferrari fan capital of Canada
And I cheer for the other teams
The only good Red Italian is a Valpolicella
My car is a Ford
My van is a Dodge
If I ever watch NASCAR, I’m not cheering for Chevy
I drink tea, not coffee
Scissors are not required for paper coffee packets
They are required for milk bags
Milk bags are cut at both ends
Curling is a real sport
Basketball is not
The VW Beetle is Retro
The T-bird is retro
The Mustang is retro
The Camaro is retro
The Challenger is retro
The Impala is not
An Impala has 6 taillights, not 4, not 2, 6!
Anything less is not worthy of the name
Taillights are supposed to be red
Not white
Not black
Not pink
Red
High beams should have a reverse option
A snowbrush is a safety device
People with brains know how they work
Green lights are not for mindless sheep
Smart people can even stop at them

Canadian Espionage

CANADIAN ESPIONAGE
By John Ross Harvey

I just heard on the radio
That the American military
Created several documents
On possible espionage
By Canadians
Do you want to know what it was?
The Poppy Quarter
The quarter with a red poppy in the centre
Coated with a protective film
To prevent the red from flaking off
Was believed to be,
Get this….
Nanotechnology for use in espionage
Now I know they’re not that bright
Military Intelligence is an oxymoron
However
That’s ridiculously stupid
I’m lucky I was at a stoplight
Or I may have crashed into someone

Game Shows

GAMES SHOWS
By John Ross Harvey

People are obsessed with game shows
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Deal or No Deal?
Canadians watch these shows
When it’s popular enough
They make a Canadian version
For Who Wants to Be a Millionaire
It was one episode
They had a phone in audition
Answer 5 questions and you’re in
To be on the show
I answered 4
I knew more than the guy who won $64,000
I was a bit upset
Deal or No Deal decided to do a Canadian version
Except it was about 7 episodes over 5 weeks
Well with the internet
Auditions were a long winded 26 page biography of yourself
I was almost ready to sign up
But as interesting as my life is to me
I don’t need them knowing it all.
I chose No deal
I still don’t have that Million

No Prizes

NO PRIZES
By John Ross Harvey

The big coffee and donut company
Has a contest
You could win a car, a TV, an ipod
Or a coffee, or a donut
But 99% of the time you get
Play again/ Reassayez s.v.p.
The smaller coffee companies
Say win a prize everytime
I’m sorry I don’t need a phone card to Italy
Or a veggie slice of pizza
I want a car
Or a TV
Or an ipod
I just won’t get one
Because 99% of the time I get
Play again/Reassayez s.v.p.
You’d think this company as large as it is
Could afford to lose a few donuts
And have you win everytime.
I don’t even drink the coffee
I drink tea!
I’ll take a donut
My wife can have the coffee
I want a car, a TV, or an ipod
Give more prizes
I’m tired of paying $1.50
And getting
Play again/Reassayez s.v.p.

Seeing Faces In Odd Places

SEEING FACES IN ODD PLACES
By John Ross Harvey

You always hear these stories
Of people seeing faces
In their food, their houses, where they work
Could be a floor stain
Or a knot in some wood paneling
But most of these people say that
It’s JESUS!
I have seen the odd face in various places
Usually the clouds
And even a floor stain
But while staying at my in-laws recently
I spotted a face in the trees
Their next door neighbour is up on a rocky hill
Near the top of that rocky hill
I saw a face
It looked like your stereotypical grey alien
With an afro
Don’t know what significance that has
Probably none
But if the tabloids need to pay me to find out
I’m good for receiving cash
If it wasn’t a grey alien
It could have been Jack Nicholson with a wig
Seeing how he’s bald now.
You be the judge.

At The In-laws

AT THE IN-LAWS
By John Ross Harvey

I was on vacation one week
Staying at the in-laws
No cable, no internet
Barely any groceries
So in a word:
Bored
They had removed the wallpaper
In their bathroom
Which is little more than a tub,
A toilet, a sink, and
A foot path in between
We offered to paint for them as
That was next step
Being less than 7’ tall with sloped ceilings
That meant I worked while my wife watched
This is how most painting projects work
So I finish the first coat and go to clean up
I run the taps and try to take the paint out of the brush
And my hand just gets covered in paint
White paint
I’m becoming an albino
I’m thinking Latex is supposed to clean off with water
Then I read the can, its alkyd, which is Oil paint
Oil paint needs varsol, thinner, or turpentine
Do we have any?
Maybe
Can you find it?
OK
Luckily we did have thinner
So I just cleaned my hands
My arms still looked albino
Next step to putty over the imperfections
Then sand and paint the second coat
To see more spots I missed.

TV Wonder Drugs

TV WONDER DRUGS
By John Ross Harvey

Have you noticed?
There are a lot of drugs being offered on TV
Medication for hair loss, arthritis, and everything else
Some don’t even tell you what they’re for
All of them say “Ask your doctor.”
Well if you can’t tell me what it is
How the heck is he supposed to know?
And then there are the disclaimers
May cause vomiting, diarrhea, dizzy spells,
Rapid eye movement, loss of mobility,
Loss of balance, temporary vision loss,
A bad taste in your mouth, should not be used
With other medications
Do not take while pregnant
Do not take while smoking
Do not take while drinking alcoholic beverages
Make sure you “Ask your doctor before taking…..”
Hair loss is usually a man problem
Most men are not capable of being pregnant
Yet hair loss medications offered on TV
Suggest not using while being pregnant.
I have hair loss
It’s called genetics
Or even life
Women may even find it sexy
Why would I submit myself to a drug
That may not want me to be pregnant?
I think I’ll pass.

Village Collectors

originally published in TVCC newsletter about 2 years ago.

VILLAGE COLLECTORS
By John Ross Harvey

Our club motto has been, where houses find good homes.
You ask yourself what does that mean?
Are we are the only people capable of making homes for small houses?
Or are we just crazy enough to buy them in the first place?
No to first, and yes to second.
We really are crazy.
If someone asks us what we do, we say………
I collect houses.
This makes us sound like a real estate magnate.
I specialize in property acquisition.
No really I don’t
What do you mean?
I collect really small porcelain houses.
You can’t be serious, you collect toilets?
No I don’t collect outhouses, just small porcelain houses.
As you can see people’s grasp of this concept is difficult as best.
Suffice it to say, we do what we do, because we’re positively insane.
If you tell these people you collect tiny people and trees too…
They’ll think you’re positively certifiable.
Their loss.
I don’t mind being insane, as long as I have friends that are equally insane.
Ok, some are more insane than others, but we exist to co-exist.
At least now we can claim to be real estate magnates.
Eat your heart out Donald Trump.

The "Babe" Song

THE "BABE" SONG
By John Ross Harvey

The music industry has always had the one super-couple
They would always be doing duets
While still having a great solo career
In the 50’s and 60’s this was Johnny Cash and June Carter-Cash
They had a song called “It ain’t me Babe.”
In the 70’s there was Sonny and Cher
They had a song called “I got you Babe!”
And I’m pretty sure Cher had a better solo career
Sonny went into politics
Today’s super-couple is Tim McGraw and Faith Hill
McGraw-Hill is the name of the publisher
Of most of my school textbooks in high school
Who knew they’d be a super-couple of the music industry?
My question is:
What Babe song are they going to sing?
I’m so Rich Babe?

The Border

THE BORDER
By John Ross Harvey

Americans are obsessed with
Homeland Security
Ever since 9-11, the border
Between Canada and the USA
Is a sticky issue with heavyweight politicians
Yet after nearly 6 years
Americans still don’t know
Canadians do not operate their border patrols
Never have
Never will
Americans run your border patrols
I know you think this is a simple case
Of we’re never wrong so blame the neighbour
But you are wrong
We let people into our country
Not yours
You let people into your country
It’s your fault
Always was
Always will be
Anyone with a Kindergarten education
Can figure this out
Makes you wonder why you elect people
That don’t have one?

Beverage Discrimination

BEVERAGE DISCRIMINATION
By John Ross Harvey

I’d like to talk about discrimination
Not African-Americans vs. Caucasians
But Tea drinkers vs. Coffee drinkers
You can go anywhere you want
And they will offer coffee
More likely than not they will not
Offer Tea
Tea has been used for centuries
Coffee probably less time
Tea tastes good
Coffee does not
That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it
When a coffee company has a contest
Winning a Tea is never an option
They won’t even let you trade the free coffee for a tea
Its discrimination
I’m always reminded of Mad About You
When Ursula pours more coffee
And Paul says “Thank you; that was tea!”
Hasn’t happened yet
But I fully expect it to
Because tea drinkers are discriminated.
I am a tea drinker.
I hate coffee
Cappuccino is ok
Nothing else

Being Stuck

BEING STUCK
By John Ross Harvey

Have you ever got stuck in your car?
What do you do?
I’ve always shifted into reverse to find
A piece of roadway or driveway with traction
Then low gear to go forwards again
When it doesn’t work the first time
And your wife is in the car
She just tells you:” You shouldn’t have done that.”
Ok so the whole driveway is ice
I cannot get a grip
I hop out to see a small section of gravel near the tire
So I try again
Probably 4 times until I move forward
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
Well backing up onto the main street
Which is a giant blind spot was less desirable
Than getting stuck for a few minutes
While I figured out how to enter the street Forwards
Similar thing happened in my work commute car
Coming home in the major snowstorm
Waiting for a green light at the top of an incline
To turn left
Had to use reverse again
Hit low gear to go forward and spun my tires
All the way through the intersection
I may have looked stupid
But I got out
OK so maybe All-seasons don’t work well
And I need snow tires for that
But that means I need a space in my garage
And we all know that doesn’t exist
Cars and car parts don’t fit in garages
Junk does

Marriage

MARRIAGE
By John Ross Harvey

A lot of people are married
I’m married
What happens when you’re married?
You’re never allowed to be right?
You’re sworn at when you reach things
And you become a torture victim
If my wife sees one light hair
In my eyebrows
She runs for the tweezers
And punches me for squinting
I hate having my eyebrows plucked
They hurt
She used to pull my nose hairs too
I bought an electric nose trimmer
That at least prevents half of the torture
I can never see the eyebrow hairs
That drive my wife nuts
I swear they appear for mere seconds
Before my wife has plucked them out.

EVEN MORE TRAFFIC RANTING

EVEN MORE TRAFFIC RANTING
By John Ross Harvey

I complain about traffic now
My 32 km commute should take 32 minutes
It takes 45-50 in the morning and 60 + at night
Multiply that by 2-3 for a snowfall
And you understand why traffic bugs me
In a word they are Illiterate
Whether reading a road sign or the road itself
And especially an Intersection
Motorists of Greater Toronto, and probably everywhere else
DO NOT READ!
Stop, Yield, this lane ends, right lane exits
Meaningless to these people
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
May as well be an alien language to them
It’s like a green light turns them into mindless sheep
The light is green
I have no brain
I must go on
There is nowhere to go
But the light is green
I have no choice
I cannot think for myself
I must obey the green light
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me educate you please
A red light obviously means stop, even if you’re four cars back turning left running it
An amber or yellow light means Prepare to Stop, slow down, and do not race to beat the red
You know you do
Now the hard one that nobody knows, the Green Light
It means Proceed when the way is Clear
Not GO
Proceed when the way is clear
If it’s not clear
Like a BLOCKED INTERSECTION
YOU DO NOT PROCEED!
Guaranteed somebody still doesn’t get it.

Acronyming

ACRONYMING
By John Ross Harvey

My name is John
John Only Has Name
You are the Judges
Judge Under Direct Guidance Expecting Something
Those are Acronyms
Those can be annoying
Annoying Not Necessary Oh Yeah Its Not Good
Comedy can be an acronym
Comics Only Make Everybody Desire (to) Yell
OK not a great acronym
Had to throw in an extra word
That’s why this method of comedy
Which started me on this path
Would never work
Too much reading between words
Hoping the audience is smart
Well if Foxworthy can talk about Rednecks
To a bunch of rednecks
Than the audiences are not necessarily smart
In fact the acronyms of this piece
Are so lame
I’m done writing it.

Car Packing

CAR PACKING
By John Ross Harvey

Most people have packed their cars

Trucks, minivans, smart cars whatever
For a long or short trip
For a cousin’s birthday or Christmas or Easter
You bring stuff you hope to leave behind
And the stuff you receive is hopefully smaller
Never happens
The stuff you acquire on these trips
Be it Christmas presents or souvenirs at gift shops
Will always be bigger than what you started with
And you’ll have to repack the vehicle
In such a way
That it all fits
Without falling out
Since we go to Quebec a lot, being from Ontario
Those extra items are the cheaper beer
Not sure why but Quebec beer is $10 cheaper per case
And that’s just the 12 pack
Ontarians like the 2-4’s
A whole lot of Americans got blown away with that
6 packs are not standard issue in Canada
I know you like them, but please
That’s an appetizer
Back to the point though
We have one of those minivans
Not the extended variety
The cheaper one that isn’t
We have about a foot behind the back seat
Ok maybe slightly under two
A suitcase fits there
Or three or four
Stacked on top of one another
My wife and I get the front seats
My two kids get the middle buckets seats
On their boosters
The back seat and the space behind those is all we have
To pack with
And they will be full
And my back window will not be useful
As our stuff will be packed to obscure it
The last trip we brought toboggans because Quebec had snow
For a whole day before it rained
And the snow was gone.
Between our front seats we hook up the DVD player
Complete with headphones
So my wife and I can listen to music on the CD player
And our kids can watch Pokeman on the DVD
Probably the best car accessory ever made for a parent
Until they sing the theme song at the end
And ruin your music
Which is keeping your mind busy
About how to unpack the car at the next destination.

What Do You Drink?

WHAT DO YOU DRINK?
By John Ross Harvey

Before you go rhyming off x-number of beverages
There is already only 1 answer.
WATER!
Crazy, I must be, says you
Out of my tree perhaps
No
Coffee, that many of you drink, is really
Coffee flavoured water
Tea is better tasting water in my opinion
Juice is fruit flavoured water
Milk is biologically enhanced water
Alcohol, is fermented and flavoured water
Your body is close to 90% water
Whether that water is coffee, alcohol, or juice
Or even tea, or milk
Is entirely up to you
Gatorade is electrolyte enhanced fruit flavoured water
And so is its competition
Coke and Pepsi are carbonated water with cola flavour
Just think of all the companies
Flavouring water
And making millions at it, even billions
Makes you wish you thought of it first
Where’s a time machine when you need one?
Water
It’s all you drink.

Sports Pools

SPORTS POOLS
By John Ross Harvey

At a former employer
Formerly known as Famous Players
I played in the NFL Football pool
I knew very little about NFL then,
And probably less now
But I’d watch the weekend games
To see how I did
I once won 3 of 17 weeks
And season overall
But Jim Kelly of Buffalo got injured
And I changed my playoff picks
Which would have won me the Playoffs too!
But I changed it so I didn’t.
When bowling I played a playoff hockey pool
Which was actually a Legion pool
Picked the right two teams and the right final game score
When Colorado won the Cup
Won about $500
I’ve now entered a playoff NBA pool
I hate basketball
Know very little about who’s good or not
And made my picks
My colleague thinks I picked well
And could win it all.
After game 1 round
I lead the standings
Sometimes it pays to know less.
Time will tell.

Who Am I?

WHO AM I?
By John Ross Harvey


Most people want to know
Just who is this guy?
What makes him different and funny?
Why should he make me laugh?
I’ll start with being bald
Not too funny unless you look at me
I’m slightly overweight
Not funny if you’re very overweight
I have a Magnetic Field in my left hand
I can hold a compass
And North is wherever I feel like
My ancestor created the Time zones
Sir Sanford Flemming
Before you blame me for the time changes
Remember this year it was George W Bush’s fault
Isn’t that great
My family is no longer responsible for time change
Because George W. decided to change it
I’ve been white water rafting
Because my college buddies needed a big car to get there
I had a 1975 LTD
Same story for the bar after graduation
I could carry 7 people, just 6 had belts on
I’ve gone to Racing School
I passed, and was very smooth on the shifter
Today because real racing is unaffordable
I race on the internet
I’m a 10 time driver’s champion, and 10 times team champion
Some of them together
My ability to push a slider bar is unmatched
Except for the 580 people better than me
At least the way the world rankings are calculated.
If being a Magnetic Internet Racing Driver with
A relation to the time zones isn’t weird enough to be funny
You need to get out more.

Dreams

DREAMS
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody has dreams right?
You’ve done everything
And been everything you’ve ever wanted
I’ve been an astronaut
A formula one race driver
A politician,
Wait that was a nightmare
I’ve been a stand-up comic in my dreams
Imagine that
A father in his forties
Single income, two children, outstanding mortgage
SITCOM
Isn’t that a prerequisite?
All sitcoms are by stand-up comics
Bill Cosby
Steve Harvey
I really don’t think we’re related, but he is funny
Ray Romano
Paul Reiser
No he only had one child in his show
So it then cancelled over money
SITCOM after the fact
My son’s new favourite channel is Family
A whole lot of sitcoms
8 Simple Rules
That’s so Raven
And his favourite
Smart Guy
Where a 10 year old teaches everyone else about life
Isn’t that a new game show?
Foxworthy’s: Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Be very thankful Smart Guy isn’t on that
These contestants might actually win the million!

Personal Networking

PERSONAL NETWORKING
By John Ross Harvey

In the old days;
Before Emails, Blackberrys and Myspace
Networking was done in person
You know this guy who knows, 4 other guys
Those 4 other guys know 16 more
And so on, and so on
Just like that old shampoo commercial
Today though
We do have emails, Blackberrys, Myspace, and Facebook
Unless you’re at the bottom of the corporate, or social ladder
The old way pretty much limited you locally
Today networking can span the globe
By using the Internet network
Sadly this has yet to offer me a well paying job
The old way did,
Except for the well paid part.
Sometimes new isn’t always better
Certainly true for a Chevy.

America Got It Right

AMERICA GOT IT RIGHT!
By John Ross Harvey

Two nights in a row
American voters for
AMERICAN IDOL and
DANCING WITH THE STARS
Finally voted the right person off
SANJAYA MALACHAR is finally gone
After hurting our ear drums for weeks beyond
His realistic departure
His “fans” which were VFTW and Howard Stern
Finally got outvoted
As always, the departure song always sounds better
Perhaps because of the relief we never have to see him again
Or he’s just been stressed out,
And finally lost his nervousness.
Though many others that fell victim to Sanjaya madness
Are not there either
The ones left behind are all better anyway.
As for Dancing With The Stars
Clyde the Glide Drexler, aka the Walking Dancer
Has finally glided off the stage.
No offense to Clyde, but Carrie-Ann was right
You’re a great human being
A great basketball player
But a dancer was beyond your ability
And I loved the speech
We still like Clyde, he just can’t dance well.

Turning Properly

TURNING PROPERLY
By John Ross Harvey

For some strange reason
Many motorists on our streets
Don’t know the lane they should enter
When making a turn
If you turn LEFT, you get the LEFT lane
Not the RIGHT lane
The LEFT lane
When you turn RIGHT, you get the RIGHT lane
Not the LEFT lane
The RIGHT lane
The RIGHT lane is not always the CORRECT lane
If two cars come head on
One wants left, and the other right
IT CAN BE DONE
You do not have to wait for the other guy
KNOW THE LANE YOU GET!
Left gets Left, Right gets Right
But since you can’t seem to grasp this
You just hit each other.
I hope your insurance doubles.
Now when turning from a large intersection
The light you face turning will be Red
It will not be Green
You don’t need to stop
You are inside the intersection
The light is for the guy Outside of it.
Lakeshore and Sherbourne has this problem
People stop halfway because the light is Red.
Of course it is, you turned left on a Green
It should be RED!

P.S.

A portion of todays post could be heard on Wednesday Whine Cellar at www.country953.com

Curling - Canada's Real Sport

CURLING-CANADA’S REAL SPORT
By John Ross Harvey

Most non-Canadians think Hockey is our national sport
Certain people feel Lacrosse is our national sport
That may be so
But Curling is our real sport
You can’t get body-checked in curling
There is ice, but no skates are needed
They do throw rocks at houses
But that’s not a bad thing
You can draw, or hit
You can even guard
But very much like horseshoes or golf
Closest to the pin, or in this case button,
Wins
Button wins!
No, that was the Hungarian F1 GP in 2006
In no other sport
Do you have a beverage with the opponent
And enjoy it
And in Curling, the winner buys.
So losing isn’t such a bad thing.
Headgear is not required
Unless you are a Contestant on the Amazing Race
But you can put on a helmet for fun
Where else can you meet between the sheets?

Stuffing a Beanbag Chair

STUFFING A BEANBAG CHAIR
By John Ross Harvey

First of all there are no beans in a beanbag chair
At least not the one I was filling
It used to have Styrofoam pellets, which got crushed and lost form
So we bought a bag of new foam pellets
To re-fill it with.
The chair is a child size armchair with Winnie the Pooh on it.
Pouring the pellets was an adventure to say the least
But that wasn’t the funny part
The pellets come complete with a pile of
STATIC ELECTRICITY!
Yes folks, pellets coated my arms and fingers back to front
And wouldn’t come off
I was, at least from the elbows down
The Giant Marshmallow Man
It’s a good thing Static Guard works
Because otherwise I’m not sure how
I could explain my new complexion.

What Can I Make Funny?

WHAT CAN I MAKE FUNNY?
By John Ross Harvey

People that do stand-up
Make fun of themselves
Foxworthy is a Redneck
Albeit slightly smarter than the ones he makes fun of.
Engvall probably had a sign, a few times
Larry probably had difficulty in getting done
Carlin is probably not a big fan of baseball
Letterman needs top 10s
And Conan has funny hair
What can I make funny?
Motorists
Nothing defines the stupidity of motorists like Weather does
If it rains, their ability to find a light switch is non-existent
If it snows their ability to use a snowbrush is beyond comprehension
If it frosts, an ice scraper is the furthest thing from their minds
If it’s fog, they’re probably driving a grey car
Lights On in the Rain!
Prove you actually have a Brain!
A person’s Inability to clear snow is equaled by their lack of Intelligence!
Defrosters are not quick enough, you can’t see behind those bars!
The road is grey, the fog is grey, and your car is Invisible!
You know the Mini-tire?
The wheel barely bigger than a dinky toy you get instead of a real tire.
It says do not travel in excess of 80 km/h (50 mph)
Obviously people that put them on cannot read
I’ve seen more Mini tires on major highways than I’ve seen real Minis.
Apparently there are people incapable of reading a drawing
Most road signs are really drawings
You know it’s two lanes now, but one becomes a triangle
Rectangular cars don’t fit into triangles
You’d be amazed how many people don’t realize this
Until the triangle happens
There are other road signs that indicate highway exits
Main Street 500m on with a right arrow
Guaranteed someone 3 lanes to the left needs to turn at Main Street
And they’ll use 499 m before doing so.
In the city they have a useful sign
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
Apparently these are the 4 hardest words of the English language
Besides myself, nobody can read them!
Let me explain what the traffic lights mean
Red is obvious you stop, even if your 4 cars back turning left against the advance
Flashing red means you must yield to opposing traffic.
Yellow (Amber) is Prepare to Stop, not speed up to beat the red.
If you can stop, you do stop.
Flashing Amber means opposing traffic must yield to you, but don’t expect them to.
Green does not mean Go.
What does it mean then?
Proceed when way is Clear, if it’s not clear, you Stop!
Flashing green, or green with an arrow, is an advanced light.
These are the ones you cannot go on
Because some guy four cars back turning left on a red prevents you from doing so.

Blogger to Comic?

BLOGGER TO COMIC?
By John Ross Harvey

Like many potential comics
I’m a writer
I do the Blog thing
But with millions of blogs
Who knows who’s reading?
What is comedy?
Life experiences mostly.
Absolutely anything can become funny.
Traffic commuting is a great source for me
Where else can a little bit of bad weather
Identify smart people from stupid ones?
Grey Car, Grey Road, Grey Sky, No Lights, NO SEE!
I’d bet 95% of accidents are grey cars.
Or when traveling at night
Black Car, Black Road, Black Sky
No Lights at Night, No Brain in Sight!
Or better yet when it snows
White Cars, White Roads, White Sky
If they knew what a Snowbrush did
They might actually be another colour!
You know when is the best time for me to drive is?
Horrific Torrential Rain
Even the stupid people stop and wait.
Then I can have the road to myself
And guaranteed not to be annoyed by stupidity.
I bet you don’t even know what the traffic lights mean.
Red is quite obvious, you stop.
Yellow does not mean, speed up so I miss the red
It means prepare to stop
And if you can’t make it past the light, it means stop.
Green does not mean Go
Why do I say that?
Because I’m right
It means Proceed when the way is Clear
If you cannot proceed, it means stop.
So we have 3 traffic lights that all mean stop
No wonder we have traffic congestion

Drive By Education

DRIVE BY EDUCATION
By John Ross Harvey

You all know about road rage
But I try to improve on its methods
I give “Drive By Education”
What is that, you say?
If I see someone driving in an unsafe manner
I roll down my window
“Hey! Its dark outside, put you’re lights on Moron!”
In the winter I have a rough time
As the majority of people cannot drive safely
They are what I call the Three Forces Of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks
Defroster Dunces and
The Wipers Only Brigade
It amazes me the level of intelligence you must need
To figure out how to use a snowbrush
No, it’s hop in and go for them.
Then you have Arrogant Parkers
You know the type
I’ll just park at the front door and go shopping.
IT’S A FIRE LANE!!!!!
Perhaps this will feel more important to you
When a Fire-truck runs over your car!
There are two more types of motorists that annoy me
I call them motorists as driver is beyond their ability
That would require actual intelligence
No these guys Block Intersections
“Oh, the light is green, I must go…….”
NOWHERE!
Anyone with eyeballs and a brain can Stop at a green light.
If you can’t cross it, don’t block it, Blockhead!
Then when you stop, because you’re smarter than them
The idiot behind you honks his horn
That’s a genuine indication, that the guy is brainless.
But worse than them
Hard as that may be
Are what I call Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putzes
Morons that drive in curb lanes between cars
In attempts to get ahead of you.
Here’s a clue people
Nobody parks in the Left Lane!
If you cannot see a Parked car ahead
Who allowed you to drive?

Computer Dependancy

COMPUTER DEPENDANCY
By John Ross Harvey

What would you do today
Without a Computer?
Computers read your bank cards or credit cards
At grocery stores, gas pumps, and even banks.
You spend 8 hours a day typing and mouse clicking
On a computer at work
When you take your car for service, they plug in a computer
Behind the counter at McDonald’s might be a computer
Except they still look like 14 year old students.
Computer rooms operate your TV cable service
And your cell phone network
So what would you do without a computer?
Pretty much nothing.

Slave to Technology

SLAVE TO TECHNOLOGY
By John Ross Harvey

There are things I do today
That I thought were quite stupid a few years ago
Using a cell phone while shopping
Your wife gives you a list
The store doesn’t have an item or two
So you call her on the cell phone.
Simple really
“What do you want? They don’t have Spaghetti sauce.”
But a few years ago
I would not use a cell phone
And I would laugh at people
Standing in the chips aisle
“You want Ruffles or Doritos?”
I’d think that was pretty lazy
What kind of loser would ask what to buy?
I’ve since become one of those said losers
Isn’t technology great?
Conveniently destroying our brain cells
So we need to use it more.

Country Music - Volume II

Country music –Volume II
By John Ross Harvey

I find a lot of humour in Country Music
There are of course comedians that fit the genre
Foxworthy, Engvall, Cable Guy, and Cletus T Judd
But I’m not talking about them
I’m talking about Chesney, Paisley and Keith
When they’re not singing ballads
Or in some cases Anthems
They sing about Drinking
Nothing funnier than a good drinking song
Keg in the Closet
Beer in Mexico
Beer for My Horses
I Love This Bar
And straight to the point Alcohol
A whole lot of alcohol going on in Country Music
Yet they almost never get charged with D.U.I.
At least not until they cameo on LOST
It’s almost a good thing teenagers hate Country Music
They might be taking our Beer and our Cds!

America Got It Wrong! Gina Glocksen Deserved to Win!

AMERICA-GOT IT WRONG!
GINA GLOCKSEN DESERVED TO WIN!
By John Ross Harvey

Well they’ve really done it now
The Simon worshippers will keep his 3 favourites
Lakisha, Melinda, and Jordin
The Howard Stern mentally unstable population
Will continue to promote Sanjaya, and apparently Haley.
Both are still alive.
Not on singing talent
Simply by the Howard Stern and Vote for the Worst Brigades
Gina easily sang the best two performances bar-none
These last two weeks
The supposed Rocker girl, excelled at ballads
And was phenomenally good at the Standard “SMILE”
I have officially decided to never watch this show
For the rest of this season
I really could care less who wins
Simon’s trio may be great for Motown
But the general public needs a wider range of talent
The other vote stealing individuals
Know they are extending their stay well beyond the past due date
And it’s not their fault
End the madness
Stop watching!

Choices

CHOICES
By John Ross Harvey

Choices
Most people are faced with choices in life
Usually it’s two choices
Coffee or Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla
Dinner or a Movie
Man or Woman
Single or Married
Drive or Transit
Work or Play
Funny or Not
But did you make the right choices?
Was buying a PC over a Mac really a good choice?
Was buying a Ford over a Honda really a good choice?
Audition or Not
Did I make the right choice?
Leno or Letterman
Conan or Ferguson
HGTV or the Weather Channel
Life is full of choices
Wine or Whisky
Pizza or Burgers
Diet or Not
Caffeine Free or Not
Carb Free or Not
Sugar Free or Not
Is it any wonder we’re all confused?
And wait staff wonder why menu reading takes so long.
Too many choices!
It’s more than two.

MY JOB

MY JOB
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody has a job
Every job can be funny
I’m a draftsman
What’s funny about that?
My boss calls me by my email address.
J-Harvey
So he yells “Jharvey!”
Who do I work for?
An Italian contractor
10 years without concrete shoes
I think I’m doing Ok
I work with Autocad
For people that know about it
It’s the Microsoft of the Cad industry
Upgrades are usually not useful
And cost too much
So they end up being pirated
To teach a layman how to use Autocad
Is a task in itself
There are exact coordinates using a tablet
Or relative coordinates using a mouse and keyboard
I use the latter
2, 2 is an exact coordinate of x, and y
@2<45 is a relative coordinate from a starting point
If the keyboard doesn’t shift when you type that
You’ll get 22, 45 which is an exact coordinate
Nowhere near where you wanted to be
Thankfully Autocad has a user friendly command
UNDO!

Life's Moments

LIFE’S MOMENTS
By John Ross Harvey

There are things that happen in life
Which are funny
You have to remember them
When painting our powder room red
I got paint on my head
My wife pointed at it and I said:
“Gorbachov!”
The antenna snapped off my car
After an ice storm
And the radio still works
So my car comes with a useless device
And the weather made me realize it.
Before I was married
I did a lip synching dance number
Complete with pyrotechnics on a green screen
To INXS’ New Sensation
Around the same time I went to a Portuguese wedding
And danced up a storm there
The bride informed me, that I was a celebrity in Portugal
Because I danced so madly
In her wedding video, which most of Portugal had then seen
I borrowed a movie off a friend
And slept through parts of it
I told her I liked what I saw
Which wasn’t really lying
I asked my neighbour to lend me her DaVinci Code book
She’d been trying to read it for months, but struggled
She saw me after I bought the paperback
When I was half done in 2 days
The look on her face was priceless.
Snowstorms always happen on days you need to be home early.
It only rains after you wash the car
Gas prices rise immediately before you need it.

Sanjaya Malakar destroys American Idol

SANJAYA MALAKAR DESTROYS AMERICAN IDOL
By John Ross Harvey

Here’s this kid
Semi-cute
Girls love him
Not a great singer
Vote for the Worst’s poster boy
Wore a ridiculous faux-hawk hairdo
While singing poorly
He’s now in the top 9
Of American Idol
This boy has single-handedly
Done what all the other networks have been praying for
Destroyed American Idol
If he makes the Top 8
Heads will start rolling
Chris Sligh was much better than him
Gina Glockson is my personal favourite
Nobody may touch the duo of Melinda and Lakisha
But the way things are going
It’ll be Haley and Sanjaya in the final.
Don’t bet on it
You might win.

Star Trek - Revisited

STAR TREK -REVISITED
By John Ross Harvey

There isn’t a North American alive
That doesn’t know Star Trek
You have Kirk fans called Trekkies
And Picard fans called Trekkers
And Archer fans called….missing
I could call myself a Trekkie Trekker
I can…talk…..like…….Captain……Kirk…does
Or prove I’m a bilingual Vulcan (show fingers)
If I could master the neck pinch
I might win more fights.
From the Picard point of view
I’m bald, so we look alike
I can fake a French accent too
But I have to bring up the main differences
Between Classic and Next Generation Star Trek
On an away mission, there was Kirk, Spock, Bones,
And a Red shirt
You know; the guy who’s going to DIE!
Now in Picard’s century on an away mission
He takes Riker and Geordi
What does he need an engineer for on the planet?
“Captain, the structural integrity of that tree branch is failing”
“Geordi to Enterprise, please beam down two titanium support columns.”
Do you not find it weird that Picard is wearing a Red Shirt?
Isn’t that wrong?
Last time I checked he doesn’t die.
They made a lot of improvements in one century
Better technology and less chrome
And no more instant death of Red Shirts
Klingons actually look alien instead of like bearded Kung fu guys.
Tribbles are no longer sold as pets.
Warp 10 is an order, not an impossibility
Make it so!

Dreams

DREAMS
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody has dreams right?
You’ve done everything
And been everything you’ve ever wanted
I’ve been an astronaut
A formula one race driver
A politician,
Wait that was a nightmare
I’ve been a stand-up comic in my dreams
Imagine that
A father in his forties
Single income, two children, outstanding mortgage
SITCOM
Isn’t that a prerequisite?
All sitcoms are by stand-up comics
Bill Cosby
Steve Harvey
I really don’t think we’re related, but he is funny
Ray Romano
Paul Reiser
No he only had one child in his show
So it then cancelled over money
SITCOM after the fact
My son’s new favourite channel is Family
A whole lot of sitcoms
8 Simple Rules
That’s so Raven
And his favourite
Smart Guy
Where a 10 year old teaches everyone else about life
Isn’t that a new game show?
Foxworthy’s: Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Be very thankful Smart Guy isn’t on that
These contestants might actually win the million!

Diets

DIETS
By John Ross Harvey

Everybody is on a diet
Low Fat
Low Carb
Low Salt
Low Sugar
Will Shatner-All Bran
I’m not on a diet
Perhaps I should be but I’m not
Low Carbs means no grains, and lots of meat
Liking the meat part, but no bread or pasta is unthinkable
Low fat, is yoghurt, I eat that, but it’s not a meal
Low salt, well if it has it, you eat it, if not, it qualifies
Low sugar, that’s simply insane!
Everything has sugar.
No sugar is absolute starvation.
That may shed the pounds off, but it won’t be pleasant.
I did do the Will Shatner All Bran diet before, and it worked
Until you can’t stand the taste of All Bran anymore.
I prefer the Eat what I want diet
If you want it, eat it.
That way you don’t starve on what’s missing.

Bizarre Happenings

BIZARRE HAPPENINGS
By John Ross Harvey

My wife and I bought an exercise bike
An elliptical pedal and ski pole type thing
It’s been fun to use
But it’s not in perfect running order
The wires inside somehow do not
Record the data on the digital readout
Everything is “0” except your pulse
Which is a different wire
We took the cover off the wheel to see what’s wrong
But found nothing we could change
So we’re resorting to the toll-free service number
1-866-etc. etc.
Except that a message on that number says
“The number 416-etc. etc. is no longer in service
Please call 1-800-etc. etc. “
So my wife calls it, and it’s a pipeline company in B.C.
Somewhere along the lines
A phone number got messed up
I doubt very much that a pipeline company
Can fix my exercise bike.
I’ll let Canadian Tire figure it out.
My 90 days aren’t up yet.

Oscar Night 2007

OSCAR NIGHT 2007
By John Ross Harvey

Like most people
I’ve seen 1 of the top 5 nominated movies
And since that 1 won
I may not have to see the others.
The Departed was the quickest 2-½ hrs ever spent at the cinema.
The awards may have been the longest 4-½ hrs ever spent.
Perhaps I’m not alone but I track the categories
With 3 options to win
Will Win, Should Win, and Could Win
Will and Should may be same movie, Could is always the dark horse
If any of my W, S, and C picks miss, they become Other
My 24 Category score was 10W, 6S, 4C, 6 Other
Departed took 4
Pan’s Labyrinth took 3, but not Foreign Film
All five movie nominations were not shut out
They had at least 1 or 2
CARS, which should have won Animated Feature and Song
Lost in Both
Inconvenient Truth won Documentary Feature and Song
Al Gore beats Larry The Cable Guy
The shadow dancers were incredible
Jennifer Hudson could care less about George Clooney
She just won an Oscar!

My Drive into Work in Today's Snow

MY DRIVE INTO WORK IN TODAY’S SNOW
By John Ross Harvey

Snow started around 7:10am in Woodbridge
I brushed the car 4 times before taking my
Children to their school bus stop
While waiting for the bus
At least 4 cars ran the stop sign there
Why?
Can they not see it?
NO!
They hop in to their completely Snow covered vehicle
And drive as is.
IMPAIRED!
A Wiper blade swipe pass, a half rolled down window
Maybe some defroster lines
And they think they are safe?????????
As on a normal day, I would travel on the 400Hwy south
But snow prevents normal
So I take Weston Road south
7:45am to 9:35am for 35 Km
3 minutes and 8.5 s per km
Many vehicles without lights on in the blizzard
Many more vehicles without snow removed
If snow is on your mirror, you cannot see behind you
If snow is on your washer nozzles, you cannot spray
If snow is on your headlights and taillights, they are severely dimmed
If snow is in your wheel wells, steering becomes a problem
If snow covers your air grille, you can overheat, yes you can!
If snow covers your windows, you cannot see around you
Lack of Vision is Impairment; make no mistake
A snow-covered vehicle is equivalent to being drunk
There is no difference in the lack of safety both represent
Lights On, Snow Off, it’s simple, not Rocket Science
Snow
Not
On
Windows
Brush
Remainder
Unbelievably
SAFE &
Healthy

Don’t join the Three Forces of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks
Defroster Dunces &
The Wipers Only Brigade

Money

MONEY
By John Ross Harvey

Let’s face it
MONEY makes the world go around
It shouldn’t
But it does.
Nothing is achieved in life
Without having money to pay for it.
In my youth (read early 20’s)
I was able to afford Race Driving Lessons
From Jim Russell Racing School
At Mont Tremblant Quebec
I was never able to pay to go racing after that
My best racing has been Charity Go-kart events
For Huntington’s Disease
Actually my best racing has been on the Internet
At www.batracer.com
I am a 9-time champion
Once in 1986 Formula 1 and
Eight times in Champcars
But back to the point
Without money, my racing career doesn’t exist
In order to enter Driver Development
Which was funded by Players
You needed to be able to pay for your racing
And prove you could fit the program.
2 cars, 1 house, 1 wife and 2 kids later
And not in that order
I can afford pretty much very little
Beyond food on the table, and paid bills
Well some paid bills (Visa ouch!)
It would cost be about $2500 to publish a book of my material
It would cost about $25 to sponsor Batracer
I’d like to do both
But that would require me to have more money
Than I do
With RRSP season on, I have even less
As I have automatic withdrawals for those.
In twenty years those may be useful to me
But right now it’s really more than I can afford
Are you in the same boat?
Can your paycheck support a family of four?
Perhaps I need a 2nd job?
That would prevent me from watching TV
And like most Canadians, I cannot miss my shows.
So, how can I make more money?
If an audition in Montreal is possible and successful
I hope to be on the next Last Comic Standing
I’m not telling you when or where though
I want my place in line.
2 minutes may change my life.

Charm

Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
reprised for new Amazing Race All-stars

CHARM
By John Ross Harvey

It is said that men possess charm
Women are sexy
Men have charisma
Women have a demeanour
So what is charm?
Who has it?
Well, if Survivor and Amazing Race are clues
None other than Rob Mariano, Bahstun Rahb,
The Robfather, Robinator, Don Mariano himself.
Millions of women noticed him on All stars Survivor
Millions more on Amazing Race
Yeah, he was strategically manipulative,
But he had a goal and used his tools to achieve that goal.
Charm being one of them.
Every woman craves the not so nice guy.
Sawyer on LOST is the stubbled, mean guy, with a heart for the ladies.
Almost every romance movie has the bad boy.
But not all of them win the girl.
Bahstun Rahb did.
Does that make him charming?
Well if you consider he was basically nobody two years ago
And now he got married on TV
I’d say that he does indeed possess charm.
Charming Happy Amazing Race Man
I think it fits.

House M.D.

HOUSE M.D.
By John Ross Harvey

Are you a fan of House M.D.?
I am
Why?
Who could possibly like an egotistical jerk like him?
Well, he’s really just a fan of identifying stupidity.
Something I enjoy.
So I see a lot of me in Dr. House.
However, last week’s episode writers should be fired.
The episode was OK overall, but one scene bothered me.
House was driving a Mobile Snowbank.
You can’t tell me that a Super Intelligent Neurologist
Would ever choose to drive an Impaired vehicle!
If he were as smart as we think he is, he’d have cleaned the snow off!
OK, actually, he’d probably tell Wilson to do it.
I do believe the actor is stupid enough to drive that way.
You always hear about actors in car accidents.
I simply do not believe HOUSE should be that stupid.
I’m producers are smart; they will change that scene for the DVD set.
That’s just my opinion, but I’m right.

Groundhog Day

GROUNDHOG DAY
By John Ross Harvey

It’s official at 8:07am EST
Wiarton Willie did not see his shadow!
Spring is around the corner.
What corner?
How long is around the corner?
2 minutes?
A week?
6 weeks?
Probably.

Automotive Advertising

AUTOMOTIVE ADVERTISING
By John Ross Harvey

We have an organization called MADD
Mothers Against Drunk Driving
It doesn’t go far enough, drunk is too literal,
Impaired is what matters.

Jeep had advertised a fully mud-covered Cherokee
In the middle of a city
And people with muddy faces that checked it out.

THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!

Subaru had advertised a snow-covered vehicle
Turning on its wipers to allow another Subaru
To take it’s parking spot.

THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!

Canadian Tire has had many commercials with
Snow-covered vehicles driving.
The latest transgression is to advertise Wiper Blades.
A mother drives a Mobile Snowbank
To pick up her child,
And all they sell in this commercial is Wiper Blades!

THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!

To be accurate they should sell the snowbrush and ice scraper
Also required to make the vehicle safe.
WIPERS DO NOT DO THE JOB!!

Another truck company, perhaps Toyota though I don’t recall
Had a perfectly clean pickup park next to
Several fully mud covered pickups
And the driver had to admit, “I just had it washed.”

THE OTHER VEHICLES WERE IMPAIRED!

Chevy advertising its Silverado pickup
Had one of the boss’ hired hands
At the construction site bring his truck
Fully washed.
The boss immediately made it DIRTY!

THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!

False advertising may be a crime, but why are we allowing this
Type of advertising to continue.

People do drive in the manners shown on these ads.

THEY ARE IMPAIRED DRIVERS!
It needs to end.

Impairment

IMPAIRMENT
By John Ross Harvey

What is the definition of Impairment?
Many believe it is only Alcohol that causes it.
They are wrong.
The commercial where all the glasses get added
Showing poorer and poorer vision
Is suggesting how alcohol can cause Impairment.
It is correct.
However, impairment is reduced vision.
If your vehicle is covered in Frost,
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
If your vehicle is covered in ICE,
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
If your vehicle is covered in SNOW,
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
If you do not take the time required
To make your vehicle safe
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
Today I saw an Impaired School Bus.
The driver’s window was a sheet of Ice
The windshield was a wiper pass surrounded by snow.
The roof was a sheet of ice, which blew off in chunks!
How can any human being with a heart
Ever allow their children on a vehicle that impaired??????????
There are many awareness organizations
Discussing how cell phones and radios
Can cause impairment
Please understand the reality of this Impairment.
Every frost, snow, and freezing rain we have
Impaired motorists endanger your lives
Don’t be one!

Wednesday Whine Cellar

WEDNESDAY WHINE CELLAR
By John Ross Harvey

My favourite radio station
Has a segment they like to call
Wednesday Whine Cellar
Where you can gripe about what bothers you
Be it traffic, work, neighbours, or whatever.
Understandably I gripe about traffic often on here
I’m probably the biggest user of the
Wednesday Whine Cellar
But as I have changed my commute route
Many times to avoid the problem areas
I am starting to see less traffic problems
Or at the very least, fewer areas where they occur.
However
I still see many traffic issues that require attention.
Drivers running with 4-way hazard lights
If you’re turning, turn the hazards off so
We know which direction you’re headed.
Parked car passing is a disease; get medical attention
I understand neurosurgery works.
Blocking intersections with or without a sign
That says “Do Not Block Intersection”
Is apparently still beyond most motorists
Ability to comprehend
Apparently Eyeballs and Brains don’t mix well with them.
Transport truck operators need to prevent their trucks
From leaving the yards covered in ice and snow
500 square feet of ice flying off a trailer can kill.
Don’t allow it to happen!
Every snowstorm the identify stupidity challenge becomes easier
As the majority of motorists, I refuse to call drivers
Have snow covering all areas of their vehicle.
With barely a defroster line or a wiper swipe to see out of.
This is dangerous practice.
It is IMPAIRMENT!
You are endangering people’s lives by being lazy.
2-5 minutes to make your vehicle safe is worth a few lives.
DO IT!
If you have a gripe to get off your chest
Country 95.3 will listen
Listen live at www.country953.com
And call in.
I can’t be the only one speaking with reason.
Thanks.

Hell Isn't Fire, It's Ice

HELL ISN’T FIRE, IT’S ICE
By John Ross Harvey

I’m not here to denounce the Bible
But let’s put things into perspective
Many believe Hell to be Fire and Brimstone
Extreme heat
Capable of a very deep tan
But more likely a Sunburn
In all honesty
Is that worse than a Deep Freeze?

No!!!!!!!!!!

Hell isn’t hot; it’s frozen.
Snowball’s chance in Hell

That’s actually pretty good.

Need a new slogan.

As I have iterated for over a year now.
The Three Forces of Evil
Are covered with Snow

The scourge of Mankind
Followers of the Lord of Darkness
Are Motorists with zero ability
To understand the use of
A Snowbrush or
An Ice Scraper

Nothing suggests evil more
Than a Rolling Snowbank
Incapable of Full Vision
Through thin Defroster Lines
Or Wiper Blade Arcs

Satan, Mephisto, The Devil, The Lord of Darkness
Does not wear a Red Suit with a Pitchfork
He wears a Parka and Sorels

Are you more likely to fall ill in heat or cold?
What is the incurable disease?

A COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Invasion

INVASION
By John Ross Harvey

For years people thought we would be invaded
Mostly it was thought to be by Martians
Scientific data however suggests no life on Mars
Now after the various attacks worldwide
People believe that; Terrorists will invade us
Well perhaps yes, perhaps no
I have come to the realization that
We have already been invaded
BY STUPID PEOPLE!!!!
Don’t worry; they’re easy to spot, so stay clear of
Cars with no lights in rain, fog and darkness
Cars covered in mountains of snow
Cars covered in frost
Cars that cannot signal
Cars that drive right up to parked cars in the curb lane
Cars that ignore road signs like
STOP, DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION, and SCHOOL ZONE
Cars that park in fire lanes
Cars that honk when a light changes
Cars that honk when traffic is stationary
Cars in parking lots that don’t let you reverse out of your space
Cars that dive into lanes, which are ending in mere seconds
Cars that turn from the wrong lane
Cars that take extra lanes when turning
Cars that sit directly behind transport trucks on a highway
Cars that brake and swerve for manholes and train tracks
Cars that turn on red lights, that were behind the white line
For some strange reason
Even stupider people allowed these morons to drive.
You have been warned.We’ve been invaded!