A while ago, at March Break, read St. Patrick's Day, I was on vacation, but I wasn't being inactive. I went to Montreal for a reason, it was the only Canadian Stop for Last Comic Standing Auditions (Some of you may recall I took Comedy Writing Workshop at Humber in summer of 2004) Though I lined at 8:30 up in the morning and received a number for my potential audition then, We soon realised that TV takes its time. Having drawn number 76 of likely little over 120 numbers handed out, the other potential comedians and I, (many well established, like a recent member of Air Farce) (and some of those had preset invitation times for auditioning)
waited at the Starbucks on Avenue Du Parc most of the day,(not only is there a new language for ordering coffee, there is a call button to open the washrooms)
and found that number 20 was only done by noon. Our chances in the 70's were slim for 5:00pm The supposed cut-off time. The group I hung around with then went for lunch around 3:30pm Then we all went to the audition venue, Kola Note (which resides above a carpet store), and crammed the stairwell for the remaining time.
Auditions were now possibly extended to 6:30pm Number 52 was out by 4:00pm Looked like they were cutting people off after 90. Behind me, was a crazy old lady with a hubcap, we don't know why. Chances are she'll be on tv. About 6:00pm I took the stage Having been requested to state where we live and who we are I mentioned I live in the Ferrari fan capital of Canada without cheering for them, and I'm not dead. One judge had no idea what that meant. One judge was a McLaren fan like me. The other had trouble getting past my super powers, and joined me on stage so I could prove them to him. To understand what that means, you'll just have to watch. That makes me 99.9% certain I will be on TV. Unable to continue a routine, I was shuffled off as a mere freak of nature. You be the judge,... er another judge that wasn't them. If they don't air that (but I think they will), there was a lineup segment with a mounted policeman that I'm certain to be in.
http://www.nbc.com/Summer/Last_Comic_Standing.shtml June 13th premiere
Friday, June 08, 2007
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Punchbuggy No Punch Back
PUNCHBUGGY-NO PUNCH BACK
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody knows the game
See a VW bug, beetle, whatever you call it
And Punch somebody’s shoulder after seeing it
Then say “Punchbuggy, no punch back!”
Obviously to see the Herbie movie we needed to amend this game.
No Punching for the movie.
On our vacation, which was some 6000km of driving
We had the kids keep track on a clipboard all the Punchbuggies
In order to still have a shoulder.
After about 100 of them in the first week they gave up counting.
But it was fun as they called all the older bugs Herbies.
It’s always a good idea to count something on a long trip
It makes the time pass faster.
On a regular Toronto to Montreal trek we count certain trucks
SGT
You can guess what that stands for, but the G is a really bad green
Sometimes with kids in the vehicle the S will require amendment.
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody knows the game
See a VW bug, beetle, whatever you call it
And Punch somebody’s shoulder after seeing it
Then say “Punchbuggy, no punch back!”
Obviously to see the Herbie movie we needed to amend this game.
No Punching for the movie.
On our vacation, which was some 6000km of driving
We had the kids keep track on a clipboard all the Punchbuggies
In order to still have a shoulder.
After about 100 of them in the first week they gave up counting.
But it was fun as they called all the older bugs Herbies.
It’s always a good idea to count something on a long trip
It makes the time pass faster.
On a regular Toronto to Montreal trek we count certain trucks
SGT
You can guess what that stands for, but the G is a really bad green
Sometimes with kids in the vehicle the S will require amendment.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Photocopiers
PHOTOCOPIERS
By John Ross Harvey
Photocopiers are one of those things that are often mislabeled
Often called Xerox even if they’re made by Canon or perhaps LG
For some reason there are several varieties of these machines
Trays and spools and toner cartridges all in different places
Toner is probably the worst part of photocopiers
Putting it in turns you into a chimney sweep.
Covered from head to toe in black powder
Supposedly there’s an automatic button
It can figure out what paper size you want by what you insert
Or can it?
Pressing Auto button…
Which size? 11x17,Legal, or Letter?
I pressed AUTO!
This doesn’t appear to function accurately.
Now when it’s jammed it gives you fifteen locations to look for it.
And when you get to the fifteenth one, the paper is finally found.
To sum things up Photocopiers are stupid.
It doesn’t matter if you tell it what to do, it still asks.
It doesn’t matter if it’s jammed in one spot; it makes you check everywhere.
One day I hope these problems will be solved
Until then just hit the multiple copy button on your printer.Printers don’t turn you into a chimneysweep.
By John Ross Harvey
Photocopiers are one of those things that are often mislabeled
Often called Xerox even if they’re made by Canon or perhaps LG
For some reason there are several varieties of these machines
Trays and spools and toner cartridges all in different places
Toner is probably the worst part of photocopiers
Putting it in turns you into a chimney sweep.
Covered from head to toe in black powder
Supposedly there’s an automatic button
It can figure out what paper size you want by what you insert
Or can it?
Pressing Auto button…
Which size? 11x17,Legal, or Letter?
I pressed AUTO!
This doesn’t appear to function accurately.
Now when it’s jammed it gives you fifteen locations to look for it.
And when you get to the fifteenth one, the paper is finally found.
To sum things up Photocopiers are stupid.
It doesn’t matter if you tell it what to do, it still asks.
It doesn’t matter if it’s jammed in one spot; it makes you check everywhere.
One day I hope these problems will be solved
Until then just hit the multiple copy button on your printer.Printers don’t turn you into a chimneysweep.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Uneducated
UNEDUCATED
By John Ross Harvey
You’ll find these people everywhere
Driving inappropriately
Speaking inappropriately
And writing Inappropriately
The old adage holds true
If you don’t like it, don’t watch it, or read it or whatever.
Writing or speaking a ridiculous comment
Only proves one’s own lack of an education
If you care to criticize, actually criticize
A general based ridiculous commentary means nothing
Which is likely equal to the intelligence required to form it.
Next time someone wants to express themselves
Try to use a coherent thought
By John Ross Harvey
You’ll find these people everywhere
Driving inappropriately
Speaking inappropriately
And writing Inappropriately
The old adage holds true
If you don’t like it, don’t watch it, or read it or whatever.
Writing or speaking a ridiculous comment
Only proves one’s own lack of an education
If you care to criticize, actually criticize
A general based ridiculous commentary means nothing
Which is likely equal to the intelligence required to form it.
Next time someone wants to express themselves
Try to use a coherent thought
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Learning To Fly
LEARNING TO FLY
By John Ross Harvey
It’s not everyday you get to see something special
Some fledgling baby Robins were in our back yard
We back on to a row of townhouses
So between our neighbours and the townhouse row
Is where the Robins were learning to fly
It suddenly made sense why the Father Robin was squawking
He was telling them to test their wings in flight
Unfortunately, they don’t earn their wings immediately
Unable to catch the eaves trough they fell to the next windowsill
We watched the 2 learning Robins hit windows and fall
And we winced each time
But then they fell and missed the windows
Both of them
Now we were worried
Soon we saw one try again
Apparently not hurt by the fall, perhaps stunned
And he fell again, ouch!
The night sky got dark and we couldn’t see them anymore
This morning one of the two stayed on the fence rail
Despite dad calling him to fly
Hopefully the other one is flying around, as I hadn’t seen it.
I’ll try to keep you posted on their progressJust felt I had to share my moment.
By John Ross Harvey
It’s not everyday you get to see something special
Some fledgling baby Robins were in our back yard
We back on to a row of townhouses
So between our neighbours and the townhouse row
Is where the Robins were learning to fly
It suddenly made sense why the Father Robin was squawking
He was telling them to test their wings in flight
Unfortunately, they don’t earn their wings immediately
Unable to catch the eaves trough they fell to the next windowsill
We watched the 2 learning Robins hit windows and fall
And we winced each time
But then they fell and missed the windows
Both of them
Now we were worried
Soon we saw one try again
Apparently not hurt by the fall, perhaps stunned
And he fell again, ouch!
The night sky got dark and we couldn’t see them anymore
This morning one of the two stayed on the fence rail
Despite dad calling him to fly
Hopefully the other one is flying around, as I hadn’t seen it.
I’ll try to keep you posted on their progressJust felt I had to share my moment.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Truly Great Advertising
TRULY GREAT ADVERTISING
By John Ross Harvey
Truly great commercials are the kind
That makes you want to see more
Even if you’re not buying the product
Just so you can see what happens next
When I was younger
It was Bartles and James coolers
Those guys were a howl
Now recently are Solo cell phones
The main character of each commercial
Talks with one person, and gets call waiting
To talk with the next
And the cycle continues as you see the second person
Each commercial after that
Guy’s playing racquetball, calls his sister about mom’s birthday
Sister gets a call from mom as she changes the cake
Mom is vacuuming and calls her Canasta partner
Canasta partner is a plumber and gets a call from a client
Client lost his toupee down the sink and needs to call the girlfriend
Girlfriend gets a story about squirrels and a call about a clown
The party needing a clown calls the clown
The clown’s having coffee and wishing to play Shakespeare
As the girlfriend walks in the shop
I don’t know what’s next
But I want to know where it ends!!!!!
By John Ross Harvey
Truly great commercials are the kind
That makes you want to see more
Even if you’re not buying the product
Just so you can see what happens next
When I was younger
It was Bartles and James coolers
Those guys were a howl
Now recently are Solo cell phones
The main character of each commercial
Talks with one person, and gets call waiting
To talk with the next
And the cycle continues as you see the second person
Each commercial after that
Guy’s playing racquetball, calls his sister about mom’s birthday
Sister gets a call from mom as she changes the cake
Mom is vacuuming and calls her Canasta partner
Canasta partner is a plumber and gets a call from a client
Client lost his toupee down the sink and needs to call the girlfriend
Girlfriend gets a story about squirrels and a call about a clown
The party needing a clown calls the clown
The clown’s having coffee and wishing to play Shakespeare
As the girlfriend walks in the shop
I don’t know what’s next
But I want to know where it ends!!!!!
Monday, May 28, 2007
How to Drive Like a Torontonian
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A TORONTONIAN
By John Ross Harvey
Disclaimer: Not to be attempted, not on a closed course, not by professional drivers
When making a left turn always go over to the right hand lane
This helps tick off the guy behind you
When turning right make sure you take the left lane
It’s important to piss everyone off
When making a lane change, never signal, they can read your mind
If the lineup to turn is too long, go around it,
Why wait when you can the jerk in the lead?
If you smoke, make sure you throw your butts out the window
The guys flashing their high beams and honking are jealous they don’t smoke
Never read a road sign, the lane ends whenever you feel like it
Even if it’s the shoulder
Always go on a green light, the idiots in front have to move for you
When the Intersection is blocked
Never pull over when you hear sirens
Especially at an Intersection
The firemen are trained to drive around moving cars
Always park at the front door, never look for a parking spot
Too bad if people are pissed you’re smarter than them
Always waste time in a drive-through
Change your order 6 times and leave with just a coffee
The other buggers late for work will love you for it
Always drive a grey car without lights on
Especially in the rain and fog
If you have to change your tire
The mini is ok for the highway
Don’t believe the people that bother to read it
Always re-wire your tail lights
It keeps the people guessing if your brakes work
Always wait till last moment from 3 lanes over
When exiting a highway
Never accept the big opening when you enter a highway
That small one in front of the next guy is a better spot
Chase him down if he wont let you have it
Remember everybody has to get out of your way
Honk if necessary
I’m allowed to try passing you between parked cars
You have to give way to my SUV
When the light is red
Everybody in the turning line can still go
The advance green guys can wait for us
Laugh or cry, everything listed happens, every day .
Don’t join the untrained motorists
Don’t do any of the above actions.
By John Ross Harvey
Disclaimer: Not to be attempted, not on a closed course, not by professional drivers
When making a left turn always go over to the right hand lane
This helps tick off the guy behind you
When turning right make sure you take the left lane
It’s important to piss everyone off
When making a lane change, never signal, they can read your mind
If the lineup to turn is too long, go around it,
Why wait when you can the jerk in the lead?
If you smoke, make sure you throw your butts out the window
The guys flashing their high beams and honking are jealous they don’t smoke
Never read a road sign, the lane ends whenever you feel like it
Even if it’s the shoulder
Always go on a green light, the idiots in front have to move for you
When the Intersection is blocked
Never pull over when you hear sirens
Especially at an Intersection
The firemen are trained to drive around moving cars
Always park at the front door, never look for a parking spot
Too bad if people are pissed you’re smarter than them
Always waste time in a drive-through
Change your order 6 times and leave with just a coffee
The other buggers late for work will love you for it
Always drive a grey car without lights on
Especially in the rain and fog
If you have to change your tire
The mini is ok for the highway
Don’t believe the people that bother to read it
Always re-wire your tail lights
It keeps the people guessing if your brakes work
Always wait till last moment from 3 lanes over
When exiting a highway
Never accept the big opening when you enter a highway
That small one in front of the next guy is a better spot
Chase him down if he wont let you have it
Remember everybody has to get out of your way
Honk if necessary
I’m allowed to try passing you between parked cars
You have to give way to my SUV
When the light is red
Everybody in the turning line can still go
The advance green guys can wait for us
Laugh or cry, everything listed happens, every day .
Don’t join the untrained motorists
Don’t do any of the above actions.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Over 40
OVER 40
By John Ross Harvey
Your debt-load is your age x 1000
You remember your first car had a V8
You remember Columbo
You remember the original Price Is Right girls
You remember Hee-Haw
Your hair stopped growing on your head
Your back aches
You wear sneakers, not loafers
You used to have to drive to find a Tim’s
You remember the Colonel did his own commercials
You know who the Colonel is
Your favourite bands members are over 60 or close to it
You remember celebrities used to play sports on TV, now they dance
You remember Howard Cosell
You remember TV aerials
You remember TV converters with a wire and huge buttons
You remember Black & White TV
You remember McDonald’s wasn’t a once a week choice
You remember the Buffalo Zoo
You try to forget your old
By John Ross Harvey
Your debt-load is your age x 1000
You remember your first car had a V8
You remember Columbo
You remember the original Price Is Right girls
You remember Hee-Haw
Your hair stopped growing on your head
Your back aches
You wear sneakers, not loafers
You used to have to drive to find a Tim’s
You remember the Colonel did his own commercials
You know who the Colonel is
Your favourite bands members are over 60 or close to it
You remember celebrities used to play sports on TV, now they dance
You remember Howard Cosell
You remember TV aerials
You remember TV converters with a wire and huge buttons
You remember Black & White TV
You remember McDonald’s wasn’t a once a week choice
You remember the Buffalo Zoo
You try to forget your old
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Gun Control
Comment only , not humour
GUN CONTROL
By John Ross Harvey
We’ve all heard of school shootings
Montreal
Columbine
And the others
Now Toronto
Smart quiet kid, not in gangs
Probably was bullied once too often
So they found a gun
It shouldn’t happen
Parents are supposed to raise their kids
Know what they are going through
And tell them they are loved
Somehow, somewhere
Something happened to this child
And no one helped
If they did
Acts like this could’ve been prevented
Maybe it was the school
Maybe they were bullied
Maybe their parents weren’t there for them
Something failed
Somehow they got a gun
Now we have to live with this reality
We need to prevent it from repeating
Guns should be off the streets
GUN CONTROL
By John Ross Harvey
We’ve all heard of school shootings
Montreal
Columbine
And the others
Now Toronto
Smart quiet kid, not in gangs
Probably was bullied once too often
So they found a gun
It shouldn’t happen
Parents are supposed to raise their kids
Know what they are going through
And tell them they are loved
Somehow, somewhere
Something happened to this child
And no one helped
If they did
Acts like this could’ve been prevented
Maybe it was the school
Maybe they were bullied
Maybe their parents weren’t there for them
Something failed
Somehow they got a gun
Now we have to live with this reality
We need to prevent it from repeating
Guns should be off the streets
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Nature
NATURE
By John Ross Harvey
You may not have heard of Crane-flies
But they look like giant mosquitoes
That eat grass and annoy you in your yard
So I saw one stuck in a web
On my back fence
Flying in circles in an exercise in futility
Except that it got out of the web
The stupid fly beat the spider by escaping
So it flies to another part of the fence
A robin flies in and watches
So the fly makes for flight again
And is eaten by the Robin
Sometimes it doesn’t pay to win
At least not in nature
By John Ross Harvey
You may not have heard of Crane-flies
But they look like giant mosquitoes
That eat grass and annoy you in your yard
So I saw one stuck in a web
On my back fence
Flying in circles in an exercise in futility
Except that it got out of the web
The stupid fly beat the spider by escaping
So it flies to another part of the fence
A robin flies in and watches
So the fly makes for flight again
And is eaten by the Robin
Sometimes it doesn’t pay to win
At least not in nature
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Mars Water Discovery
MARS WATER DISCOVERY
By John Ross Harvey
Just read in the news that one of the Rovers
Has found new evidence
Of water being on Planet Mars
Not being there now
But being there before
Having uncovered Silica
Which is apparently evidence of water
But how was this discovered?
Well one of the Rovers, got its wheel stuck
So while it dragged its wheel
It found Silica under the track
That’s the beauty of NASA
It’s greatest failures become their greatest achievements
Apollo 13
And now Rover “Spirit”
If its wheel didn’t get stuck
We may still be searching
Don’t you just love the irony
Failure=Discovery
Media should have a field day on that.
By John Ross Harvey
Just read in the news that one of the Rovers
Has found new evidence
Of water being on Planet Mars
Not being there now
But being there before
Having uncovered Silica
Which is apparently evidence of water
But how was this discovered?
Well one of the Rovers, got its wheel stuck
So while it dragged its wheel
It found Silica under the track
That’s the beauty of NASA
It’s greatest failures become their greatest achievements
Apollo 13
And now Rover “Spirit”
If its wheel didn’t get stuck
We may still be searching
Don’t you just love the irony
Failure=Discovery
Media should have a field day on that.
If You Were Famous
IF YOU WERE FAMOUS
By John Ross Harvey
Firstly you need to stand out from a crowd in some way
Perhaps have some type of super-power
Or a ridiculous look about you
But after being recognized for whatever that was
How many talk shows are there to be interviewed by?
What will they pay you, to do so?
Or do they?
Is a one-time event worthy of an appearance fee?
I sure hope so
A Gas Station owner named Dick Assman
Was unlikely to show up on Letterman without one.
Would you have gone on Dave for free with that name?
So let’s say what you did is as weird as his name
So you are now the talk of the town, province, nation, continent etc.
What shows would you appear on?
The Big 5 Late-Nights: Letterman, Leno, Conan, Kimmel, and Ferguson
The lesser known, but just as funny, sometimes, Stewart and Daley
The daytime shows Regis & Kelly, The View, Ellen
The tabloid shows ET and Access Hollywood
The Canadian versions ET-Canada, and E-talk
Whatever show Rivers did
Then there are the Celebrity shows like
Dancing with the Stars, and
I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here
So potentially at least
Sixteen shows to charge an appearance fee for
Let’s average them at $20,000 US
For one moment in time, a potential to earn $320,000 US
And of course extend your 15 minutes of Fame
Which is a better result than winning a certain reality show
As the prize was $250,000 US
So I’m hoping this happens.
Maybe they can pay for my Passport I don’t have yet
And the airfare, and hotels, and food
And give me a new car or something
Or a house, or cottage maybe
Maybe I could be on with someone like Spielberg
Or the Director of X-men
And have a movie deal right then and there
Or with a TV producer
And be offered a sitcom or a reality show host job
It may be a big dream, but if you don’t aim high
You hit the bottom.
I wouldn’t live this moment alone though.
If I could bring someone along
These shows need musical acts
I could insist on some of my favourite
Lesser know artists to join me
And increase their fame, which they’ve worked hard for
Because that’s the kind of guy I am
Yes, I’d love the money
But If I can get someone else recognized for their talent as well
That pays better dividends in the long run.
By John Ross Harvey
Firstly you need to stand out from a crowd in some way
Perhaps have some type of super-power
Or a ridiculous look about you
But after being recognized for whatever that was
How many talk shows are there to be interviewed by?
What will they pay you, to do so?
Or do they?
Is a one-time event worthy of an appearance fee?
I sure hope so
A Gas Station owner named Dick Assman
Was unlikely to show up on Letterman without one.
Would you have gone on Dave for free with that name?
So let’s say what you did is as weird as his name
So you are now the talk of the town, province, nation, continent etc.
What shows would you appear on?
The Big 5 Late-Nights: Letterman, Leno, Conan, Kimmel, and Ferguson
The lesser known, but just as funny, sometimes, Stewart and Daley
The daytime shows Regis & Kelly, The View, Ellen
The tabloid shows ET and Access Hollywood
The Canadian versions ET-Canada, and E-talk
Whatever show Rivers did
Then there are the Celebrity shows like
Dancing with the Stars, and
I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here
So potentially at least
Sixteen shows to charge an appearance fee for
Let’s average them at $20,000 US
For one moment in time, a potential to earn $320,000 US
And of course extend your 15 minutes of Fame
Which is a better result than winning a certain reality show
As the prize was $250,000 US
So I’m hoping this happens.
Maybe they can pay for my Passport I don’t have yet
And the airfare, and hotels, and food
And give me a new car or something
Or a house, or cottage maybe
Maybe I could be on with someone like Spielberg
Or the Director of X-men
And have a movie deal right then and there
Or with a TV producer
And be offered a sitcom or a reality show host job
It may be a big dream, but if you don’t aim high
You hit the bottom.
I wouldn’t live this moment alone though.
If I could bring someone along
These shows need musical acts
I could insist on some of my favourite
Lesser know artists to join me
And increase their fame, which they’ve worked hard for
Because that’s the kind of guy I am
Yes, I’d love the money
But If I can get someone else recognized for their talent as well
That pays better dividends in the long run.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Gas Prices
GAS PRICES
By John Ross Harvey
I know we love our vehicles, car, truck, SUV etc.
Most of us use gasoline-powered vehicles
Some use Propane, or Natural Gas
Fewer still use Electric or Hybrid gas-electric cars
Who’s happy with the price of gasoline today?
Not too many
I took a vacation on Canada’s East Coast
Gas prices ranged from 98.9 cents/litre to $1.069/litre
When I returned in Montreal it was $1.144/litre
Last year prices were averaging 75 cents/litre
Before that 65, before that 55, before that 49
This year has gone from 75-85-95-to over $1
Every oil company has an excuse for this gouging
It’s either the temperature, the demand, or the supply
It’s never, ever, their desire to fill their pockets
But clearly it is.
Does a loaf of bread change 4 times a day?
Does Milk or Pop?
Why is the oil industry allowed to fluctuate prices?
And claim no responsibility for the change?
It’s time we regulated prices to be constant.
I suggest 49.9 cents/litre forever.
If we run out of gas…
We’ll hitch a ride on an electric one.
If it’s cord is long enough.
By John Ross Harvey
I know we love our vehicles, car, truck, SUV etc.
Most of us use gasoline-powered vehicles
Some use Propane, or Natural Gas
Fewer still use Electric or Hybrid gas-electric cars
Who’s happy with the price of gasoline today?
Not too many
I took a vacation on Canada’s East Coast
Gas prices ranged from 98.9 cents/litre to $1.069/litre
When I returned in Montreal it was $1.144/litre
Last year prices were averaging 75 cents/litre
Before that 65, before that 55, before that 49
This year has gone from 75-85-95-to over $1
Every oil company has an excuse for this gouging
It’s either the temperature, the demand, or the supply
It’s never, ever, their desire to fill their pockets
But clearly it is.
Does a loaf of bread change 4 times a day?
Does Milk or Pop?
Why is the oil industry allowed to fluctuate prices?
And claim no responsibility for the change?
It’s time we regulated prices to be constant.
I suggest 49.9 cents/litre forever.
If we run out of gas…
We’ll hitch a ride on an electric one.
If it’s cord is long enough.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Brain Disorder
BRAIN DISORDER
By John Ross Harvey
My sister-in-law has told me
That there is a brain disorder
Related to how people sleep at night.
It’s called RLS
Restless Leg Syndrome
You feel yourself losing consciousness
And your legs move frantically
Or just your feet
But it’s somewhat uncontrollable
I even have it when I’m just slightly tired
Like when I have very little to do at work
Or I sit in my living room chair
But I think it’s because
The Ottoman is higher
And my blood circulation is cut
Due to my legs being elevated
By the Ottoman
Aside from messing up the covers
What does this disorder mean?
Now we have proof
That I really am nuts!
By John Ross Harvey
My sister-in-law has told me
That there is a brain disorder
Related to how people sleep at night.
It’s called RLS
Restless Leg Syndrome
You feel yourself losing consciousness
And your legs move frantically
Or just your feet
But it’s somewhat uncontrollable
I even have it when I’m just slightly tired
Like when I have very little to do at work
Or I sit in my living room chair
But I think it’s because
The Ottoman is higher
And my blood circulation is cut
Due to my legs being elevated
By the Ottoman
Aside from messing up the covers
What does this disorder mean?
Now we have proof
That I really am nuts!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
How Cool is The Initial "J"? Ode to Larry Fedoruk
HOW COOL IS THE INITIAL “J”?
ODE TO LARRY FEDORUK
By John Ross Harvey
All you really need to be cool
Is to have a “J” in your name initials
RJ, TJ, PJ, BJ, or even
JP, JT, JD, and JK
AJ, CJ, DJ, now that’s cool
VJ, sounds like a golfer
MJ, Spiderman’s girlfriend, or is it his wife?
LJ, KJ, or OJ, perhaps not
JB, JC, JF, JG, JH, sounds familiar
JL, JLo, JM, I feel like having a Hotdog now
JO, JR, hey that’s me
JV could’ve been an F1 driver
Oh yeah, he already was
JZ sounds like a Rapper
So listen to a DJ playing JZ, watch a VJ, have some OJ
And tell them JR said so
ODE TO LARRY FEDORUK
By John Ross Harvey
All you really need to be cool
Is to have a “J” in your name initials
RJ, TJ, PJ, BJ, or even
JP, JT, JD, and JK
AJ, CJ, DJ, now that’s cool
VJ, sounds like a golfer
MJ, Spiderman’s girlfriend, or is it his wife?
LJ, KJ, or OJ, perhaps not
JB, JC, JF, JG, JH, sounds familiar
JL, JLo, JM, I feel like having a Hotdog now
JO, JR, hey that’s me
JV could’ve been an F1 driver
Oh yeah, he already was
JZ sounds like a Rapper
So listen to a DJ playing JZ, watch a VJ, have some OJ
And tell them JR said so
Monday, May 14, 2007
Why I Rant
WHY I RANT
By John Ross Harvey
I have been ranting about bad driving
On this blog
And on-air of my favourite radios station
Country 95.3’s
Segment called Wednesday Whine Cellar
For a good long time now
There are many reasons why I do this
Let’s try to list them for you.
Driving properly is safe
Safe drivers live to see the next day
I care whether you see the next day
It may be tough love, but someone has to give it
I want you to think first
I want you to improve yourself
I want you to understand
Weather affects your safety
Light conditions affect your safety
Visibility is paramount to your safety
Driving is a courtesy not a privilege
Always signal intentions
Your children need their parents
Your afterlife can wait
So now you know
Just like Simon Cowell seems mean to singers
So they can be better singers
I seem mean to motorists
So they can become better drivers
It’s all from the heart
Your life has meaning
Don’t waste it by endangering it when you drive
Pay attention
Don’t lose the good habits
Don’t develop the bad ones.
By John Ross Harvey
I have been ranting about bad driving
On this blog
And on-air of my favourite radios station
Country 95.3’s
Segment called Wednesday Whine Cellar
For a good long time now
There are many reasons why I do this
Let’s try to list them for you.
Driving properly is safe
Safe drivers live to see the next day
I care whether you see the next day
It may be tough love, but someone has to give it
I want you to think first
I want you to improve yourself
I want you to understand
Weather affects your safety
Light conditions affect your safety
Visibility is paramount to your safety
Driving is a courtesy not a privilege
Always signal intentions
Your children need their parents
Your afterlife can wait
So now you know
Just like Simon Cowell seems mean to singers
So they can be better singers
I seem mean to motorists
So they can become better drivers
It’s all from the heart
Your life has meaning
Don’t waste it by endangering it when you drive
Pay attention
Don’t lose the good habits
Don’t develop the bad ones.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Moments
MOMENTS
By John Ross Harvey
There are things that happen in life
Which are funny
You have to remember them
When painting our powder room red
I got paint on my head
My wife pointed at it and I said:
“Gorbachov!”
The antenna snapped off my car
After an ice storm
And the radio still works
So my car comes with a useless device
And the weather made me realize it.
Before I was married
I did a lip synching dance number
Complete with pyrotechnics on a green screen
To INXS’ New Sensation
Around the same time I went to a Portuguese wedding
And danced up a storm there
The bride informed me, that I was a celebrity in Portugal
Because I danced so madly
In her wedding video, which most of Portugal had then seen
I borrowed a movie off a friend
And slept through parts of it
I told her I liked what I saw
Which wasn’t really lying
I asked my neighbour to lend me her DaVinci Code book
She’d been trying to read it for months, but struggled
She saw me after I bought the paperback
When I was half done in 2 days
The look on her face was priceless.
Snowstorms always happen on days you need to be home early.
It only rains after you wash the car
Gas prices rise immediately before you need it.
By John Ross Harvey
There are things that happen in life
Which are funny
You have to remember them
When painting our powder room red
I got paint on my head
My wife pointed at it and I said:
“Gorbachov!”
The antenna snapped off my car
After an ice storm
And the radio still works
So my car comes with a useless device
And the weather made me realize it.
Before I was married
I did a lip synching dance number
Complete with pyrotechnics on a green screen
To INXS’ New Sensation
Around the same time I went to a Portuguese wedding
And danced up a storm there
The bride informed me, that I was a celebrity in Portugal
Because I danced so madly
In her wedding video, which most of Portugal had then seen
I borrowed a movie off a friend
And slept through parts of it
I told her I liked what I saw
Which wasn’t really lying
I asked my neighbour to lend me her DaVinci Code book
She’d been trying to read it for months, but struggled
She saw me after I bought the paperback
When I was half done in 2 days
The look on her face was priceless.
Snowstorms always happen on days you need to be home early.
It only rains after you wash the car
Gas prices rise immediately before you need it.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Useless Points Programs and Contests
USELESS POINTS PROGRAMS AND CONTESTS
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody has a contest
Or a rewards program
Visa expects me to believe they’ll pay my bill
So are they going to pay at $10,000 or $10?
Tim Horton’s Rrroll up the Rrrim is usually not a winner.
I could use the Hybrid Camry or the Plasma TV
But I’m never going to get it
Then you have Gas Stations
Petro points, Esso Extra, Shell takes Air Miles
Sunoco takes CAA
Supposedly these points will be uselful to me someday
Presently I have several thousand points
Equivalent to about $10 max.
Everybody wants to think they’re getting more for their money
But are they?
How many people cash in these points?
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody has a contest
Or a rewards program
Visa expects me to believe they’ll pay my bill
So are they going to pay at $10,000 or $10?
Tim Horton’s Rrroll up the Rrrim is usually not a winner.
I could use the Hybrid Camry or the Plasma TV
But I’m never going to get it
Then you have Gas Stations
Petro points, Esso Extra, Shell takes Air Miles
Sunoco takes CAA
Supposedly these points will be uselful to me someday
Presently I have several thousand points
Equivalent to about $10 max.
Everybody wants to think they’re getting more for their money
But are they?
How many people cash in these points?
Thursday, May 10, 2007
My Alcohol Song
MY ALCOHOL SONG
By John Ross Harvey
I’m not your average comic
I’m quite above average
Above 40
Above 180 lbs
Above my maximum credit limit
Like some comics though
I like Country music
Partly attributable to my age
And partly attributable to my lifestyle
What do most popular country songs sing about?
Drinking
What adult over 40 doesn’t drink?
We have 5 o’clock somewhere
10 rounds of Jose Cuervo
Drinking Thinking
Whisky Lullaby
I Love this Bar
Beer for my Horses
And straight to the point Alcohol
And the lyrics are just as good as the drinks
If Brad Paisley hadn’t sung Alcohol
He could’ve used it as a stand-up routine
So let me try my hand at it
Smirnoff comes in Fire and Ice
Goes down smooth, tastes real nice
7% is way more than Beer
The drink I drink is a Vodka Cooler
Whisky’s smooth
Bailey’s is cool
White wine is sweet
Red wine rules
I'll keep my day job
By John Ross Harvey
I’m not your average comic
I’m quite above average
Above 40
Above 180 lbs
Above my maximum credit limit
Like some comics though
I like Country music
Partly attributable to my age
And partly attributable to my lifestyle
What do most popular country songs sing about?
Drinking
What adult over 40 doesn’t drink?
We have 5 o’clock somewhere
10 rounds of Jose Cuervo
Drinking Thinking
Whisky Lullaby
I Love this Bar
Beer for my Horses
And straight to the point Alcohol
And the lyrics are just as good as the drinks
If Brad Paisley hadn’t sung Alcohol
He could’ve used it as a stand-up routine
So let me try my hand at it
Smirnoff comes in Fire and Ice
Goes down smooth, tastes real nice
7% is way more than Beer
The drink I drink is a Vodka Cooler
Whisky’s smooth
Bailey’s is cool
White wine is sweet
Red wine rules
I'll keep my day job
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
The Right Side Of The Road
a similar description heard on Whine Cellar this morning
THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD
By John Ross Harvey
In North America
The Right side of the road to drive on
Is the Right side of the road
Not the left side
When taking a curve
You don’t go to the left to cut the corner
When the road has a chicane
Or serpentine bend
You not take the straight-line approach
You stay on the right hand side
Why would anyone think cutting a corner
Or straightening a bend is
How one drives?
People are coming the other way
Unless they are as bad as this
You will hit each other
I’ve had to yell at people heading towards me!
I stay on the right side
Cutting the corner puts you on the left
That’s the wrong side!
Don’t be wrong; stay right!
THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD
By John Ross Harvey
In North America
The Right side of the road to drive on
Is the Right side of the road
Not the left side
When taking a curve
You don’t go to the left to cut the corner
When the road has a chicane
Or serpentine bend
You not take the straight-line approach
You stay on the right hand side
Why would anyone think cutting a corner
Or straightening a bend is
How one drives?
People are coming the other way
Unless they are as bad as this
You will hit each other
I’ve had to yell at people heading towards me!
I stay on the right side
Cutting the corner puts you on the left
That’s the wrong side!
Don’t be wrong; stay right!
My Rant
MY RANT
By John Ross Harvey
Hi, I’m bald, overweight, and broke
I live in the Ferrari fan capital of Canada
And I cheer for the other teams
The only good Red Italian is a Valpolicella
My car is a Ford
My van is a Dodge
If I ever watch NASCAR, I’m not cheering for Chevy
I drink tea, not coffee
Scissors are not required for paper coffee packets
They are required for milk bags
Milk bags are cut at both ends
Curling is a real sport
Basketball is not
The VW Beetle is Retro
The T-bird is retro
The Mustang is retro
The Camaro is retro
The Challenger is retro
The Impala is not
An Impala has 6 taillights, not 4, not 2, 6!
Anything less is not worthy of the name
Taillights are supposed to be red
Not white
Not black
Not pink
Red
High beams should have a reverse option
A snowbrush is a safety device
People with brains know how they work
Green lights are not for mindless sheep
Smart people can even stop at them
By John Ross Harvey
Hi, I’m bald, overweight, and broke
I live in the Ferrari fan capital of Canada
And I cheer for the other teams
The only good Red Italian is a Valpolicella
My car is a Ford
My van is a Dodge
If I ever watch NASCAR, I’m not cheering for Chevy
I drink tea, not coffee
Scissors are not required for paper coffee packets
They are required for milk bags
Milk bags are cut at both ends
Curling is a real sport
Basketball is not
The VW Beetle is Retro
The T-bird is retro
The Mustang is retro
The Camaro is retro
The Challenger is retro
The Impala is not
An Impala has 6 taillights, not 4, not 2, 6!
Anything less is not worthy of the name
Taillights are supposed to be red
Not white
Not black
Not pink
Red
High beams should have a reverse option
A snowbrush is a safety device
People with brains know how they work
Green lights are not for mindless sheep
Smart people can even stop at them
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Canadian Espionage
CANADIAN ESPIONAGE
By John Ross Harvey
I just heard on the radio
That the American military
Created several documents
On possible espionage
By Canadians
Do you want to know what it was?
The Poppy Quarter
The quarter with a red poppy in the centre
Coated with a protective film
To prevent the red from flaking off
Was believed to be,
Get this….
Nanotechnology for use in espionage
Now I know they’re not that bright
Military Intelligence is an oxymoron
However
That’s ridiculously stupid
I’m lucky I was at a stoplight
Or I may have crashed into someone
By John Ross Harvey
I just heard on the radio
That the American military
Created several documents
On possible espionage
By Canadians
Do you want to know what it was?
The Poppy Quarter
The quarter with a red poppy in the centre
Coated with a protective film
To prevent the red from flaking off
Was believed to be,
Get this….
Nanotechnology for use in espionage
Now I know they’re not that bright
Military Intelligence is an oxymoron
However
That’s ridiculously stupid
I’m lucky I was at a stoplight
Or I may have crashed into someone
Game Shows
GAMES SHOWS
By John Ross Harvey
People are obsessed with game shows
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Deal or No Deal?
Canadians watch these shows
When it’s popular enough
They make a Canadian version
For Who Wants to Be a Millionaire
It was one episode
They had a phone in audition
Answer 5 questions and you’re in
To be on the show
I answered 4
I knew more than the guy who won $64,000
I was a bit upset
Deal or No Deal decided to do a Canadian version
Except it was about 7 episodes over 5 weeks
Well with the internet
Auditions were a long winded 26 page biography of yourself
I was almost ready to sign up
But as interesting as my life is to me
I don’t need them knowing it all.
I chose No deal
I still don’t have that Million
By John Ross Harvey
People are obsessed with game shows
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Deal or No Deal?
Canadians watch these shows
When it’s popular enough
They make a Canadian version
For Who Wants to Be a Millionaire
It was one episode
They had a phone in audition
Answer 5 questions and you’re in
To be on the show
I answered 4
I knew more than the guy who won $64,000
I was a bit upset
Deal or No Deal decided to do a Canadian version
Except it was about 7 episodes over 5 weeks
Well with the internet
Auditions were a long winded 26 page biography of yourself
I was almost ready to sign up
But as interesting as my life is to me
I don’t need them knowing it all.
I chose No deal
I still don’t have that Million
Monday, May 07, 2007
No Prizes
NO PRIZES
By John Ross Harvey
The big coffee and donut company
Has a contest
You could win a car, a TV, an ipod
Or a coffee, or a donut
But 99% of the time you get
Play again/ Reassayez s.v.p.
The smaller coffee companies
Say win a prize everytime
I’m sorry I don’t need a phone card to Italy
Or a veggie slice of pizza
I want a car
Or a TV
Or an ipod
I just won’t get one
Because 99% of the time I get
Play again/Reassayez s.v.p.
You’d think this company as large as it is
Could afford to lose a few donuts
And have you win everytime.
I don’t even drink the coffee
I drink tea!
I’ll take a donut
My wife can have the coffee
I want a car, a TV, or an ipod
Give more prizes
I’m tired of paying $1.50
And getting
Play again/Reassayez s.v.p.
By John Ross Harvey
The big coffee and donut company
Has a contest
You could win a car, a TV, an ipod
Or a coffee, or a donut
But 99% of the time you get
Play again/ Reassayez s.v.p.
The smaller coffee companies
Say win a prize everytime
I’m sorry I don’t need a phone card to Italy
Or a veggie slice of pizza
I want a car
Or a TV
Or an ipod
I just won’t get one
Because 99% of the time I get
Play again/Reassayez s.v.p.
You’d think this company as large as it is
Could afford to lose a few donuts
And have you win everytime.
I don’t even drink the coffee
I drink tea!
I’ll take a donut
My wife can have the coffee
I want a car, a TV, or an ipod
Give more prizes
I’m tired of paying $1.50
And getting
Play again/Reassayez s.v.p.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Seeing Faces In Odd Places
SEEING FACES IN ODD PLACES
By John Ross Harvey
You always hear these stories
Of people seeing faces
In their food, their houses, where they work
Could be a floor stain
Or a knot in some wood paneling
But most of these people say that
It’s JESUS!
I have seen the odd face in various places
Usually the clouds
And even a floor stain
But while staying at my in-laws recently
I spotted a face in the trees
Their next door neighbour is up on a rocky hill
Near the top of that rocky hill
I saw a face
It looked like your stereotypical grey alien
With an afro
Don’t know what significance that has
Probably none
But if the tabloids need to pay me to find out
I’m good for receiving cash
If it wasn’t a grey alien
It could have been Jack Nicholson with a wig
Seeing how he’s bald now.
You be the judge.
By John Ross Harvey
You always hear these stories
Of people seeing faces
In their food, their houses, where they work
Could be a floor stain
Or a knot in some wood paneling
But most of these people say that
It’s JESUS!
I have seen the odd face in various places
Usually the clouds
And even a floor stain
But while staying at my in-laws recently
I spotted a face in the trees
Their next door neighbour is up on a rocky hill
Near the top of that rocky hill
I saw a face
It looked like your stereotypical grey alien
With an afro
Don’t know what significance that has
Probably none
But if the tabloids need to pay me to find out
I’m good for receiving cash
If it wasn’t a grey alien
It could have been Jack Nicholson with a wig
Seeing how he’s bald now.
You be the judge.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
At The In-laws
AT THE IN-LAWS
By John Ross Harvey
I was on vacation one week
Staying at the in-laws
No cable, no internet
Barely any groceries
So in a word:
Bored
They had removed the wallpaper
In their bathroom
Which is little more than a tub,
A toilet, a sink, and
A foot path in between
We offered to paint for them as
That was next step
Being less than 7’ tall with sloped ceilings
That meant I worked while my wife watched
This is how most painting projects work
So I finish the first coat and go to clean up
I run the taps and try to take the paint out of the brush
And my hand just gets covered in paint
White paint
I’m becoming an albino
I’m thinking Latex is supposed to clean off with water
Then I read the can, its alkyd, which is Oil paint
Oil paint needs varsol, thinner, or turpentine
Do we have any?
Maybe
Can you find it?
OK
Luckily we did have thinner
So I just cleaned my hands
My arms still looked albino
Next step to putty over the imperfections
Then sand and paint the second coat
To see more spots I missed.
By John Ross Harvey
I was on vacation one week
Staying at the in-laws
No cable, no internet
Barely any groceries
So in a word:
Bored
They had removed the wallpaper
In their bathroom
Which is little more than a tub,
A toilet, a sink, and
A foot path in between
We offered to paint for them as
That was next step
Being less than 7’ tall with sloped ceilings
That meant I worked while my wife watched
This is how most painting projects work
So I finish the first coat and go to clean up
I run the taps and try to take the paint out of the brush
And my hand just gets covered in paint
White paint
I’m becoming an albino
I’m thinking Latex is supposed to clean off with water
Then I read the can, its alkyd, which is Oil paint
Oil paint needs varsol, thinner, or turpentine
Do we have any?
Maybe
Can you find it?
OK
Luckily we did have thinner
So I just cleaned my hands
My arms still looked albino
Next step to putty over the imperfections
Then sand and paint the second coat
To see more spots I missed.
Friday, May 04, 2007
TV Wonder Drugs
TV WONDER DRUGS
By John Ross Harvey
Have you noticed?
There are a lot of drugs being offered on TV
Medication for hair loss, arthritis, and everything else
Some don’t even tell you what they’re for
All of them say “Ask your doctor.”
Well if you can’t tell me what it is
How the heck is he supposed to know?
And then there are the disclaimers
May cause vomiting, diarrhea, dizzy spells,
Rapid eye movement, loss of mobility,
Loss of balance, temporary vision loss,
A bad taste in your mouth, should not be used
With other medications
Do not take while pregnant
Do not take while smoking
Do not take while drinking alcoholic beverages
Make sure you “Ask your doctor before taking…..”
Hair loss is usually a man problem
Most men are not capable of being pregnant
Yet hair loss medications offered on TV
Suggest not using while being pregnant.
I have hair loss
It’s called genetics
Or even life
Women may even find it sexy
Why would I submit myself to a drug
That may not want me to be pregnant?
I think I’ll pass.
By John Ross Harvey
Have you noticed?
There are a lot of drugs being offered on TV
Medication for hair loss, arthritis, and everything else
Some don’t even tell you what they’re for
All of them say “Ask your doctor.”
Well if you can’t tell me what it is
How the heck is he supposed to know?
And then there are the disclaimers
May cause vomiting, diarrhea, dizzy spells,
Rapid eye movement, loss of mobility,
Loss of balance, temporary vision loss,
A bad taste in your mouth, should not be used
With other medications
Do not take while pregnant
Do not take while smoking
Do not take while drinking alcoholic beverages
Make sure you “Ask your doctor before taking…..”
Hair loss is usually a man problem
Most men are not capable of being pregnant
Yet hair loss medications offered on TV
Suggest not using while being pregnant.
I have hair loss
It’s called genetics
Or even life
Women may even find it sexy
Why would I submit myself to a drug
That may not want me to be pregnant?
I think I’ll pass.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Village Collectors
originally published in TVCC newsletter about 2 years ago.
VILLAGE COLLECTORS
By John Ross Harvey
Our club motto has been, where houses find good homes.
You ask yourself what does that mean?
Are we are the only people capable of making homes for small houses?
Or are we just crazy enough to buy them in the first place?
No to first, and yes to second.
We really are crazy.
If someone asks us what we do, we say………
I collect houses.
This makes us sound like a real estate magnate.
I specialize in property acquisition.
No really I don’t
What do you mean?
I collect really small porcelain houses.
You can’t be serious, you collect toilets?
No I don’t collect outhouses, just small porcelain houses.
As you can see people’s grasp of this concept is difficult as best.
Suffice it to say, we do what we do, because we’re positively insane.
If you tell these people you collect tiny people and trees too…
They’ll think you’re positively certifiable.
Their loss.
I don’t mind being insane, as long as I have friends that are equally insane.
Ok, some are more insane than others, but we exist to co-exist.
At least now we can claim to be real estate magnates.
Eat your heart out Donald Trump.
VILLAGE COLLECTORS
By John Ross Harvey
Our club motto has been, where houses find good homes.
You ask yourself what does that mean?
Are we are the only people capable of making homes for small houses?
Or are we just crazy enough to buy them in the first place?
No to first, and yes to second.
We really are crazy.
If someone asks us what we do, we say………
I collect houses.
This makes us sound like a real estate magnate.
I specialize in property acquisition.
No really I don’t
What do you mean?
I collect really small porcelain houses.
You can’t be serious, you collect toilets?
No I don’t collect outhouses, just small porcelain houses.
As you can see people’s grasp of this concept is difficult as best.
Suffice it to say, we do what we do, because we’re positively insane.
If you tell these people you collect tiny people and trees too…
They’ll think you’re positively certifiable.
Their loss.
I don’t mind being insane, as long as I have friends that are equally insane.
Ok, some are more insane than others, but we exist to co-exist.
At least now we can claim to be real estate magnates.
Eat your heart out Donald Trump.
The "Babe" Song
THE "BABE" SONG
By John Ross Harvey
The music industry has always had the one super-couple
They would always be doing duets
While still having a great solo career
In the 50’s and 60’s this was Johnny Cash and June Carter-Cash
They had a song called “It ain’t me Babe.”
In the 70’s there was Sonny and Cher
They had a song called “I got you Babe!”
And I’m pretty sure Cher had a better solo career
Sonny went into politics
Today’s super-couple is Tim McGraw and Faith Hill
McGraw-Hill is the name of the publisher
Of most of my school textbooks in high school
Who knew they’d be a super-couple of the music industry?
My question is:
What Babe song are they going to sing?
I’m so Rich Babe?
By John Ross Harvey
The music industry has always had the one super-couple
They would always be doing duets
While still having a great solo career
In the 50’s and 60’s this was Johnny Cash and June Carter-Cash
They had a song called “It ain’t me Babe.”
In the 70’s there was Sonny and Cher
They had a song called “I got you Babe!”
And I’m pretty sure Cher had a better solo career
Sonny went into politics
Today’s super-couple is Tim McGraw and Faith Hill
McGraw-Hill is the name of the publisher
Of most of my school textbooks in high school
Who knew they’d be a super-couple of the music industry?
My question is:
What Babe song are they going to sing?
I’m so Rich Babe?
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
The Border
THE BORDER
By John Ross Harvey
Americans are obsessed with
Homeland Security
Ever since 9-11, the border
Between Canada and the USA
Is a sticky issue with heavyweight politicians
Yet after nearly 6 years
Americans still don’t know
Canadians do not operate their border patrols
Never have
Never will
Americans run your border patrols
I know you think this is a simple case
Of we’re never wrong so blame the neighbour
But you are wrong
We let people into our country
Not yours
You let people into your country
It’s your fault
Always was
Always will be
Anyone with a Kindergarten education
Can figure this out
Makes you wonder why you elect people
That don’t have one?
By John Ross Harvey
Americans are obsessed with
Homeland Security
Ever since 9-11, the border
Between Canada and the USA
Is a sticky issue with heavyweight politicians
Yet after nearly 6 years
Americans still don’t know
Canadians do not operate their border patrols
Never have
Never will
Americans run your border patrols
I know you think this is a simple case
Of we’re never wrong so blame the neighbour
But you are wrong
We let people into our country
Not yours
You let people into your country
It’s your fault
Always was
Always will be
Anyone with a Kindergarten education
Can figure this out
Makes you wonder why you elect people
That don’t have one?
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Beverage Discrimination
BEVERAGE DISCRIMINATION
By John Ross Harvey
I’d like to talk about discrimination
Not African-Americans vs. Caucasians
But Tea drinkers vs. Coffee drinkers
You can go anywhere you want
And they will offer coffee
More likely than not they will not
Offer Tea
Tea has been used for centuries
Coffee probably less time
Tea tastes good
Coffee does not
That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it
When a coffee company has a contest
Winning a Tea is never an option
They won’t even let you trade the free coffee for a tea
Its discrimination
I’m always reminded of Mad About You
When Ursula pours more coffee
And Paul says “Thank you; that was tea!”
Hasn’t happened yet
But I fully expect it to
Because tea drinkers are discriminated.
I am a tea drinker.
I hate coffee
Cappuccino is ok
Nothing else
By John Ross Harvey
I’d like to talk about discrimination
Not African-Americans vs. Caucasians
But Tea drinkers vs. Coffee drinkers
You can go anywhere you want
And they will offer coffee
More likely than not they will not
Offer Tea
Tea has been used for centuries
Coffee probably less time
Tea tastes good
Coffee does not
That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it
When a coffee company has a contest
Winning a Tea is never an option
They won’t even let you trade the free coffee for a tea
Its discrimination
I’m always reminded of Mad About You
When Ursula pours more coffee
And Paul says “Thank you; that was tea!”
Hasn’t happened yet
But I fully expect it to
Because tea drinkers are discriminated.
I am a tea drinker.
I hate coffee
Cappuccino is ok
Nothing else
Monday, April 30, 2007
Being Stuck
BEING STUCK
By John Ross Harvey
Have you ever got stuck in your car?
What do you do?
I’ve always shifted into reverse to find
A piece of roadway or driveway with traction
Then low gear to go forwards again
When it doesn’t work the first time
And your wife is in the car
She just tells you:” You shouldn’t have done that.”
Ok so the whole driveway is ice
I cannot get a grip
I hop out to see a small section of gravel near the tire
So I try again
Probably 4 times until I move forward
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
Well backing up onto the main street
Which is a giant blind spot was less desirable
Than getting stuck for a few minutes
While I figured out how to enter the street Forwards
Similar thing happened in my work commute car
Coming home in the major snowstorm
Waiting for a green light at the top of an incline
To turn left
Had to use reverse again
Hit low gear to go forward and spun my tires
All the way through the intersection
I may have looked stupid
But I got out
OK so maybe All-seasons don’t work well
And I need snow tires for that
But that means I need a space in my garage
And we all know that doesn’t exist
Cars and car parts don’t fit in garages
Junk does
By John Ross Harvey
Have you ever got stuck in your car?
What do you do?
I’ve always shifted into reverse to find
A piece of roadway or driveway with traction
Then low gear to go forwards again
When it doesn’t work the first time
And your wife is in the car
She just tells you:” You shouldn’t have done that.”
Ok so the whole driveway is ice
I cannot get a grip
I hop out to see a small section of gravel near the tire
So I try again
Probably 4 times until I move forward
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
Well backing up onto the main street
Which is a giant blind spot was less desirable
Than getting stuck for a few minutes
While I figured out how to enter the street Forwards
Similar thing happened in my work commute car
Coming home in the major snowstorm
Waiting for a green light at the top of an incline
To turn left
Had to use reverse again
Hit low gear to go forward and spun my tires
All the way through the intersection
I may have looked stupid
But I got out
OK so maybe All-seasons don’t work well
And I need snow tires for that
But that means I need a space in my garage
And we all know that doesn’t exist
Cars and car parts don’t fit in garages
Junk does
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Marriage
MARRIAGE
By John Ross Harvey
A lot of people are married
I’m married
What happens when you’re married?
You’re never allowed to be right?
You’re sworn at when you reach things
And you become a torture victim
If my wife sees one light hair
In my eyebrows
She runs for the tweezers
And punches me for squinting
I hate having my eyebrows plucked
They hurt
She used to pull my nose hairs too
I bought an electric nose trimmer
That at least prevents half of the torture
I can never see the eyebrow hairs
That drive my wife nuts
I swear they appear for mere seconds
Before my wife has plucked them out.
By John Ross Harvey
A lot of people are married
I’m married
What happens when you’re married?
You’re never allowed to be right?
You’re sworn at when you reach things
And you become a torture victim
If my wife sees one light hair
In my eyebrows
She runs for the tweezers
And punches me for squinting
I hate having my eyebrows plucked
They hurt
She used to pull my nose hairs too
I bought an electric nose trimmer
That at least prevents half of the torture
I can never see the eyebrow hairs
That drive my wife nuts
I swear they appear for mere seconds
Before my wife has plucked them out.
Friday, April 27, 2007
EVEN MORE TRAFFIC RANTING
EVEN MORE TRAFFIC RANTING
By John Ross Harvey
I complain about traffic now
My 32 km commute should take 32 minutes
It takes 45-50 in the morning and 60 + at night
Multiply that by 2-3 for a snowfall
And you understand why traffic bugs me
In a word they are Illiterate
Whether reading a road sign or the road itself
And especially an Intersection
Motorists of Greater Toronto, and probably everywhere else
DO NOT READ!
Stop, Yield, this lane ends, right lane exits
Meaningless to these people
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
May as well be an alien language to them
It’s like a green light turns them into mindless sheep
The light is green
I have no brain
I must go on
There is nowhere to go
But the light is green
I have no choice
I cannot think for myself
I must obey the green light
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me educate you please
A red light obviously means stop, even if you’re four cars back turning left running it
An amber or yellow light means Prepare to Stop, slow down, and do not race to beat the red
You know you do
Now the hard one that nobody knows, the Green Light
It means Proceed when the way is Clear
Not GO
Proceed when the way is clear
If it’s not clear
Like a BLOCKED INTERSECTION
YOU DO NOT PROCEED!
Guaranteed somebody still doesn’t get it.
By John Ross Harvey
I complain about traffic now
My 32 km commute should take 32 minutes
It takes 45-50 in the morning and 60 + at night
Multiply that by 2-3 for a snowfall
And you understand why traffic bugs me
In a word they are Illiterate
Whether reading a road sign or the road itself
And especially an Intersection
Motorists of Greater Toronto, and probably everywhere else
DO NOT READ!
Stop, Yield, this lane ends, right lane exits
Meaningless to these people
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
May as well be an alien language to them
It’s like a green light turns them into mindless sheep
The light is green
I have no brain
I must go on
There is nowhere to go
But the light is green
I have no choice
I cannot think for myself
I must obey the green light
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me educate you please
A red light obviously means stop, even if you’re four cars back turning left running it
An amber or yellow light means Prepare to Stop, slow down, and do not race to beat the red
You know you do
Now the hard one that nobody knows, the Green Light
It means Proceed when the way is Clear
Not GO
Proceed when the way is clear
If it’s not clear
Like a BLOCKED INTERSECTION
YOU DO NOT PROCEED!
Guaranteed somebody still doesn’t get it.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Acronyming
ACRONYMING
By John Ross Harvey
My name is John
John Only Has Name
You are the Judges
Judge Under Direct Guidance Expecting Something
Those are Acronyms
Those can be annoying
Annoying Not Necessary Oh Yeah Its Not Good
Comedy can be an acronym
Comics Only Make Everybody Desire (to) Yell
OK not a great acronym
Had to throw in an extra word
That’s why this method of comedy
Which started me on this path
Would never work
Too much reading between words
Hoping the audience is smart
Well if Foxworthy can talk about Rednecks
To a bunch of rednecks
Than the audiences are not necessarily smart
In fact the acronyms of this piece
Are so lame
I’m done writing it.
By John Ross Harvey
My name is John
John Only Has Name
You are the Judges
Judge Under Direct Guidance Expecting Something
Those are Acronyms
Those can be annoying
Annoying Not Necessary Oh Yeah Its Not Good
Comedy can be an acronym
Comics Only Make Everybody Desire (to) Yell
OK not a great acronym
Had to throw in an extra word
That’s why this method of comedy
Which started me on this path
Would never work
Too much reading between words
Hoping the audience is smart
Well if Foxworthy can talk about Rednecks
To a bunch of rednecks
Than the audiences are not necessarily smart
In fact the acronyms of this piece
Are so lame
I’m done writing it.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Car Packing
CAR PACKING
By John Ross Harvey
Most people have packed their cars
Trucks, minivans, smart cars whatever
For a long or short trip
For a cousin’s birthday or Christmas or Easter
You bring stuff you hope to leave behind
And the stuff you receive is hopefully smaller
Never happens
The stuff you acquire on these trips
Be it Christmas presents or souvenirs at gift shops
Will always be bigger than what you started with
And you’ll have to repack the vehicle
In such a way
That it all fits
Without falling out
Since we go to Quebec a lot, being from Ontario
Those extra items are the cheaper beer
Not sure why but Quebec beer is $10 cheaper per case
And that’s just the 12 pack
Ontarians like the 2-4’s
A whole lot of Americans got blown away with that
6 packs are not standard issue in Canada
I know you like them, but please
That’s an appetizer
Back to the point though
We have one of those minivans
Not the extended variety
The cheaper one that isn’t
We have about a foot behind the back seat
Ok maybe slightly under two
A suitcase fits there
Or three or four
Stacked on top of one another
My wife and I get the front seats
My two kids get the middle buckets seats
On their boosters
The back seat and the space behind those is all we have
To pack with
And they will be full
And my back window will not be useful
As our stuff will be packed to obscure it
The last trip we brought toboggans because Quebec had snow
For a whole day before it rained
And the snow was gone.
Between our front seats we hook up the DVD player
Complete with headphones
So my wife and I can listen to music on the CD player
And our kids can watch Pokeman on the DVD
Probably the best car accessory ever made for a parent
Until they sing the theme song at the end
And ruin your music
Which is keeping your mind busy
About how to unpack the car at the next destination.
By John Ross Harvey
Most people have packed their cars
Trucks, minivans, smart cars whatever
For a long or short trip
For a cousin’s birthday or Christmas or Easter
You bring stuff you hope to leave behind
And the stuff you receive is hopefully smaller
Never happens
The stuff you acquire on these trips
Be it Christmas presents or souvenirs at gift shops
Will always be bigger than what you started with
And you’ll have to repack the vehicle
In such a way
That it all fits
Without falling out
Since we go to Quebec a lot, being from Ontario
Those extra items are the cheaper beer
Not sure why but Quebec beer is $10 cheaper per case
And that’s just the 12 pack
Ontarians like the 2-4’s
A whole lot of Americans got blown away with that
6 packs are not standard issue in Canada
I know you like them, but please
That’s an appetizer
Back to the point though
We have one of those minivans
Not the extended variety
The cheaper one that isn’t
We have about a foot behind the back seat
Ok maybe slightly under two
A suitcase fits there
Or three or four
Stacked on top of one another
My wife and I get the front seats
My two kids get the middle buckets seats
On their boosters
The back seat and the space behind those is all we have
To pack with
And they will be full
And my back window will not be useful
As our stuff will be packed to obscure it
The last trip we brought toboggans because Quebec had snow
For a whole day before it rained
And the snow was gone.
Between our front seats we hook up the DVD player
Complete with headphones
So my wife and I can listen to music on the CD player
And our kids can watch Pokeman on the DVD
Probably the best car accessory ever made for a parent
Until they sing the theme song at the end
And ruin your music
Which is keeping your mind busy
About how to unpack the car at the next destination.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
What Do You Drink?
WHAT DO YOU DRINK?
By John Ross Harvey
Before you go rhyming off x-number of beverages
There is already only 1 answer.
WATER!
Crazy, I must be, says you
Out of my tree perhaps
No
Coffee, that many of you drink, is really
Coffee flavoured water
Tea is better tasting water in my opinion
Juice is fruit flavoured water
Milk is biologically enhanced water
Alcohol, is fermented and flavoured water
Your body is close to 90% water
Whether that water is coffee, alcohol, or juice
Or even tea, or milk
Is entirely up to you
Gatorade is electrolyte enhanced fruit flavoured water
And so is its competition
Coke and Pepsi are carbonated water with cola flavour
Just think of all the companies
Flavouring water
And making millions at it, even billions
Makes you wish you thought of it first
Where’s a time machine when you need one?
Water
It’s all you drink.
By John Ross Harvey
Before you go rhyming off x-number of beverages
There is already only 1 answer.
WATER!
Crazy, I must be, says you
Out of my tree perhaps
No
Coffee, that many of you drink, is really
Coffee flavoured water
Tea is better tasting water in my opinion
Juice is fruit flavoured water
Milk is biologically enhanced water
Alcohol, is fermented and flavoured water
Your body is close to 90% water
Whether that water is coffee, alcohol, or juice
Or even tea, or milk
Is entirely up to you
Gatorade is electrolyte enhanced fruit flavoured water
And so is its competition
Coke and Pepsi are carbonated water with cola flavour
Just think of all the companies
Flavouring water
And making millions at it, even billions
Makes you wish you thought of it first
Where’s a time machine when you need one?
Water
It’s all you drink.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Sports Pools
SPORTS POOLS
By John Ross Harvey
At a former employer
Formerly known as Famous Players
I played in the NFL Football pool
I knew very little about NFL then,
And probably less now
But I’d watch the weekend games
To see how I did
I once won 3 of 17 weeks
And season overall
But Jim Kelly of Buffalo got injured
And I changed my playoff picks
Which would have won me the Playoffs too!
But I changed it so I didn’t.
When bowling I played a playoff hockey pool
Which was actually a Legion pool
Picked the right two teams and the right final game score
When Colorado won the Cup
Won about $500
I’ve now entered a playoff NBA pool
I hate basketball
Know very little about who’s good or not
And made my picks
My colleague thinks I picked well
And could win it all.
After game 1 round
I lead the standings
Sometimes it pays to know less.
Time will tell.
By John Ross Harvey
At a former employer
Formerly known as Famous Players
I played in the NFL Football pool
I knew very little about NFL then,
And probably less now
But I’d watch the weekend games
To see how I did
I once won 3 of 17 weeks
And season overall
But Jim Kelly of Buffalo got injured
And I changed my playoff picks
Which would have won me the Playoffs too!
But I changed it so I didn’t.
When bowling I played a playoff hockey pool
Which was actually a Legion pool
Picked the right two teams and the right final game score
When Colorado won the Cup
Won about $500
I’ve now entered a playoff NBA pool
I hate basketball
Know very little about who’s good or not
And made my picks
My colleague thinks I picked well
And could win it all.
After game 1 round
I lead the standings
Sometimes it pays to know less.
Time will tell.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Who Am I?
WHO AM I?
By John Ross Harvey
Most people want to know
Just who is this guy?
What makes him different and funny?
Why should he make me laugh?
I’ll start with being bald
Not too funny unless you look at me
I’m slightly overweight
Not funny if you’re very overweight
I have a Magnetic Field in my left hand
I can hold a compass
And North is wherever I feel like
My ancestor created the Time zones
Sir Sanford Flemming
Before you blame me for the time changes
Remember this year it was George W Bush’s fault
Isn’t that great
My family is no longer responsible for time change
Because George W. decided to change it
I’ve been white water rafting
Because my college buddies needed a big car to get there
I had a 1975 LTD
Same story for the bar after graduation
I could carry 7 people, just 6 had belts on
I’ve gone to Racing School
I passed, and was very smooth on the shifter
Today because real racing is unaffordable
I race on the internet
I’m a 10 time driver’s champion, and 10 times team champion
Some of them together
My ability to push a slider bar is unmatched
Except for the 580 people better than me
At least the way the world rankings are calculated.
If being a Magnetic Internet Racing Driver with
A relation to the time zones isn’t weird enough to be funny
You need to get out more.
By John Ross Harvey
Most people want to know
Just who is this guy?
What makes him different and funny?
Why should he make me laugh?
I’ll start with being bald
Not too funny unless you look at me
I’m slightly overweight
Not funny if you’re very overweight
I have a Magnetic Field in my left hand
I can hold a compass
And North is wherever I feel like
My ancestor created the Time zones
Sir Sanford Flemming
Before you blame me for the time changes
Remember this year it was George W Bush’s fault
Isn’t that great
My family is no longer responsible for time change
Because George W. decided to change it
I’ve been white water rafting
Because my college buddies needed a big car to get there
I had a 1975 LTD
Same story for the bar after graduation
I could carry 7 people, just 6 had belts on
I’ve gone to Racing School
I passed, and was very smooth on the shifter
Today because real racing is unaffordable
I race on the internet
I’m a 10 time driver’s champion, and 10 times team champion
Some of them together
My ability to push a slider bar is unmatched
Except for the 580 people better than me
At least the way the world rankings are calculated.
If being a Magnetic Internet Racing Driver with
A relation to the time zones isn’t weird enough to be funny
You need to get out more.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Dreams
DREAMS
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody has dreams right?
You’ve done everything
And been everything you’ve ever wanted
I’ve been an astronaut
A formula one race driver
A politician,
Wait that was a nightmare
I’ve been a stand-up comic in my dreams
Imagine that
A father in his forties
Single income, two children, outstanding mortgage
SITCOM
Isn’t that a prerequisite?
All sitcoms are by stand-up comics
Bill Cosby
Steve Harvey
I really don’t think we’re related, but he is funny
Ray Romano
Paul Reiser
No he only had one child in his show
So it then cancelled over money
SITCOM after the fact
My son’s new favourite channel is Family
A whole lot of sitcoms
8 Simple Rules
That’s so Raven
And his favourite
Smart Guy
Where a 10 year old teaches everyone else about life
Isn’t that a new game show?
Foxworthy’s: Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Be very thankful Smart Guy isn’t on that
These contestants might actually win the million!
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody has dreams right?
You’ve done everything
And been everything you’ve ever wanted
I’ve been an astronaut
A formula one race driver
A politician,
Wait that was a nightmare
I’ve been a stand-up comic in my dreams
Imagine that
A father in his forties
Single income, two children, outstanding mortgage
SITCOM
Isn’t that a prerequisite?
All sitcoms are by stand-up comics
Bill Cosby
Steve Harvey
I really don’t think we’re related, but he is funny
Ray Romano
Paul Reiser
No he only had one child in his show
So it then cancelled over money
SITCOM after the fact
My son’s new favourite channel is Family
A whole lot of sitcoms
8 Simple Rules
That’s so Raven
And his favourite
Smart Guy
Where a 10 year old teaches everyone else about life
Isn’t that a new game show?
Foxworthy’s: Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Be very thankful Smart Guy isn’t on that
These contestants might actually win the million!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Personal Networking
PERSONAL NETWORKING
By John Ross Harvey
In the old days;
Before Emails, Blackberrys and Myspace
Networking was done in person
You know this guy who knows, 4 other guys
Those 4 other guys know 16 more
And so on, and so on
Just like that old shampoo commercial
Today though
We do have emails, Blackberrys, Myspace, and Facebook
Unless you’re at the bottom of the corporate, or social ladder
The old way pretty much limited you locally
Today networking can span the globe
By using the Internet network
Sadly this has yet to offer me a well paying job
The old way did,
Except for the well paid part.
Sometimes new isn’t always better
Certainly true for a Chevy.
By John Ross Harvey
In the old days;
Before Emails, Blackberrys and Myspace
Networking was done in person
You know this guy who knows, 4 other guys
Those 4 other guys know 16 more
And so on, and so on
Just like that old shampoo commercial
Today though
We do have emails, Blackberrys, Myspace, and Facebook
Unless you’re at the bottom of the corporate, or social ladder
The old way pretty much limited you locally
Today networking can span the globe
By using the Internet network
Sadly this has yet to offer me a well paying job
The old way did,
Except for the well paid part.
Sometimes new isn’t always better
Certainly true for a Chevy.
America Got It Right
AMERICA GOT IT RIGHT!
By John Ross Harvey
Two nights in a row
American voters for
AMERICAN IDOL and
DANCING WITH THE STARS
Finally voted the right person off
SANJAYA MALACHAR is finally gone
After hurting our ear drums for weeks beyond
His realistic departure
His “fans” which were VFTW and Howard Stern
Finally got outvoted
As always, the departure song always sounds better
Perhaps because of the relief we never have to see him again
Or he’s just been stressed out,
And finally lost his nervousness.
Though many others that fell victim to Sanjaya madness
Are not there either
The ones left behind are all better anyway.
As for Dancing With The Stars
Clyde the Glide Drexler, aka the Walking Dancer
Has finally glided off the stage.
No offense to Clyde, but Carrie-Ann was right
You’re a great human being
A great basketball player
But a dancer was beyond your ability
And I loved the speech
We still like Clyde, he just can’t dance well.
By John Ross Harvey
Two nights in a row
American voters for
AMERICAN IDOL and
DANCING WITH THE STARS
Finally voted the right person off
SANJAYA MALACHAR is finally gone
After hurting our ear drums for weeks beyond
His realistic departure
His “fans” which were VFTW and Howard Stern
Finally got outvoted
As always, the departure song always sounds better
Perhaps because of the relief we never have to see him again
Or he’s just been stressed out,
And finally lost his nervousness.
Though many others that fell victim to Sanjaya madness
Are not there either
The ones left behind are all better anyway.
As for Dancing With The Stars
Clyde the Glide Drexler, aka the Walking Dancer
Has finally glided off the stage.
No offense to Clyde, but Carrie-Ann was right
You’re a great human being
A great basketball player
But a dancer was beyond your ability
And I loved the speech
We still like Clyde, he just can’t dance well.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Turning Properly
TURNING PROPERLY
By John Ross Harvey
For some strange reason
Many motorists on our streets
Don’t know the lane they should enter
When making a turn
If you turn LEFT, you get the LEFT lane
Not the RIGHT lane
The LEFT lane
When you turn RIGHT, you get the RIGHT lane
Not the LEFT lane
The RIGHT lane
The RIGHT lane is not always the CORRECT lane
If two cars come head on
One wants left, and the other right
IT CAN BE DONE
You do not have to wait for the other guy
KNOW THE LANE YOU GET!
Left gets Left, Right gets Right
But since you can’t seem to grasp this
You just hit each other.
I hope your insurance doubles.
Now when turning from a large intersection
The light you face turning will be Red
It will not be Green
You don’t need to stop
You are inside the intersection
The light is for the guy Outside of it.
Lakeshore and Sherbourne has this problem
People stop halfway because the light is Red.
Of course it is, you turned left on a Green
It should be RED!
P.S.
A portion of todays post could be heard on Wednesday Whine Cellar at www.country953.com
By John Ross Harvey
For some strange reason
Many motorists on our streets
Don’t know the lane they should enter
When making a turn
If you turn LEFT, you get the LEFT lane
Not the RIGHT lane
The LEFT lane
When you turn RIGHT, you get the RIGHT lane
Not the LEFT lane
The RIGHT lane
The RIGHT lane is not always the CORRECT lane
If two cars come head on
One wants left, and the other right
IT CAN BE DONE
You do not have to wait for the other guy
KNOW THE LANE YOU GET!
Left gets Left, Right gets Right
But since you can’t seem to grasp this
You just hit each other.
I hope your insurance doubles.
Now when turning from a large intersection
The light you face turning will be Red
It will not be Green
You don’t need to stop
You are inside the intersection
The light is for the guy Outside of it.
Lakeshore and Sherbourne has this problem
People stop halfway because the light is Red.
Of course it is, you turned left on a Green
It should be RED!
P.S.
A portion of todays post could be heard on Wednesday Whine Cellar at www.country953.com
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Curling - Canada's Real Sport
CURLING-CANADA’S REAL SPORT
By John Ross Harvey
Most non-Canadians think Hockey is our national sport
Certain people feel Lacrosse is our national sport
That may be so
But Curling is our real sport
You can’t get body-checked in curling
There is ice, but no skates are needed
They do throw rocks at houses
But that’s not a bad thing
You can draw, or hit
You can even guard
But very much like horseshoes or golf
Closest to the pin, or in this case button,
Wins
Button wins!
No, that was the Hungarian F1 GP in 2006
In no other sport
Do you have a beverage with the opponent
And enjoy it
And in Curling, the winner buys.
So losing isn’t such a bad thing.
Headgear is not required
Unless you are a Contestant on the Amazing Race
But you can put on a helmet for fun
Where else can you meet between the sheets?
By John Ross Harvey
Most non-Canadians think Hockey is our national sport
Certain people feel Lacrosse is our national sport
That may be so
But Curling is our real sport
You can’t get body-checked in curling
There is ice, but no skates are needed
They do throw rocks at houses
But that’s not a bad thing
You can draw, or hit
You can even guard
But very much like horseshoes or golf
Closest to the pin, or in this case button,
Wins
Button wins!
No, that was the Hungarian F1 GP in 2006
In no other sport
Do you have a beverage with the opponent
And enjoy it
And in Curling, the winner buys.
So losing isn’t such a bad thing.
Headgear is not required
Unless you are a Contestant on the Amazing Race
But you can put on a helmet for fun
Where else can you meet between the sheets?
Monday, April 16, 2007
Stuffing a Beanbag Chair
STUFFING A BEANBAG CHAIR
By John Ross Harvey
First of all there are no beans in a beanbag chair
At least not the one I was filling
It used to have Styrofoam pellets, which got crushed and lost form
So we bought a bag of new foam pellets
To re-fill it with.
The chair is a child size armchair with Winnie the Pooh on it.
Pouring the pellets was an adventure to say the least
But that wasn’t the funny part
The pellets come complete with a pile of
STATIC ELECTRICITY!
Yes folks, pellets coated my arms and fingers back to front
And wouldn’t come off
I was, at least from the elbows down
The Giant Marshmallow Man
It’s a good thing Static Guard works
Because otherwise I’m not sure how
I could explain my new complexion.
By John Ross Harvey
First of all there are no beans in a beanbag chair
At least not the one I was filling
It used to have Styrofoam pellets, which got crushed and lost form
So we bought a bag of new foam pellets
To re-fill it with.
The chair is a child size armchair with Winnie the Pooh on it.
Pouring the pellets was an adventure to say the least
But that wasn’t the funny part
The pellets come complete with a pile of
STATIC ELECTRICITY!
Yes folks, pellets coated my arms and fingers back to front
And wouldn’t come off
I was, at least from the elbows down
The Giant Marshmallow Man
It’s a good thing Static Guard works
Because otherwise I’m not sure how
I could explain my new complexion.
Friday, April 13, 2007
What Can I Make Funny?
WHAT CAN I MAKE FUNNY?
By John Ross Harvey
People that do stand-up
Make fun of themselves
Foxworthy is a Redneck
Albeit slightly smarter than the ones he makes fun of.
Engvall probably had a sign, a few times
Larry probably had difficulty in getting done
Carlin is probably not a big fan of baseball
Letterman needs top 10s
And Conan has funny hair
What can I make funny?
Motorists
Nothing defines the stupidity of motorists like Weather does
If it rains, their ability to find a light switch is non-existent
If it snows their ability to use a snowbrush is beyond comprehension
If it frosts, an ice scraper is the furthest thing from their minds
If it’s fog, they’re probably driving a grey car
Lights On in the Rain!
Prove you actually have a Brain!
A person’s Inability to clear snow is equaled by their lack of Intelligence!
Defrosters are not quick enough, you can’t see behind those bars!
The road is grey, the fog is grey, and your car is Invisible!
You know the Mini-tire?
The wheel barely bigger than a dinky toy you get instead of a real tire.
It says do not travel in excess of 80 km/h (50 mph)
Obviously people that put them on cannot read
I’ve seen more Mini tires on major highways than I’ve seen real Minis.
Apparently there are people incapable of reading a drawing
Most road signs are really drawings
You know it’s two lanes now, but one becomes a triangle
Rectangular cars don’t fit into triangles
You’d be amazed how many people don’t realize this
Until the triangle happens
There are other road signs that indicate highway exits
Main Street 500m on with a right arrow
Guaranteed someone 3 lanes to the left needs to turn at Main Street
And they’ll use 499 m before doing so.
In the city they have a useful sign
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
Apparently these are the 4 hardest words of the English language
Besides myself, nobody can read them!
Let me explain what the traffic lights mean
Red is obvious you stop, even if your 4 cars back turning left against the advance
Flashing red means you must yield to opposing traffic.
Yellow (Amber) is Prepare to Stop, not speed up to beat the red.
If you can stop, you do stop.
Flashing Amber means opposing traffic must yield to you, but don’t expect them to.
Green does not mean Go.
What does it mean then?
Proceed when way is Clear, if it’s not clear, you Stop!
Flashing green, or green with an arrow, is an advanced light.
These are the ones you cannot go on
Because some guy four cars back turning left on a red prevents you from doing so.
By John Ross Harvey
People that do stand-up
Make fun of themselves
Foxworthy is a Redneck
Albeit slightly smarter than the ones he makes fun of.
Engvall probably had a sign, a few times
Larry probably had difficulty in getting done
Carlin is probably not a big fan of baseball
Letterman needs top 10s
And Conan has funny hair
What can I make funny?
Motorists
Nothing defines the stupidity of motorists like Weather does
If it rains, their ability to find a light switch is non-existent
If it snows their ability to use a snowbrush is beyond comprehension
If it frosts, an ice scraper is the furthest thing from their minds
If it’s fog, they’re probably driving a grey car
Lights On in the Rain!
Prove you actually have a Brain!
A person’s Inability to clear snow is equaled by their lack of Intelligence!
Defrosters are not quick enough, you can’t see behind those bars!
The road is grey, the fog is grey, and your car is Invisible!
You know the Mini-tire?
The wheel barely bigger than a dinky toy you get instead of a real tire.
It says do not travel in excess of 80 km/h (50 mph)
Obviously people that put them on cannot read
I’ve seen more Mini tires on major highways than I’ve seen real Minis.
Apparently there are people incapable of reading a drawing
Most road signs are really drawings
You know it’s two lanes now, but one becomes a triangle
Rectangular cars don’t fit into triangles
You’d be amazed how many people don’t realize this
Until the triangle happens
There are other road signs that indicate highway exits
Main Street 500m on with a right arrow
Guaranteed someone 3 lanes to the left needs to turn at Main Street
And they’ll use 499 m before doing so.
In the city they have a useful sign
DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
Apparently these are the 4 hardest words of the English language
Besides myself, nobody can read them!
Let me explain what the traffic lights mean
Red is obvious you stop, even if your 4 cars back turning left against the advance
Flashing red means you must yield to opposing traffic.
Yellow (Amber) is Prepare to Stop, not speed up to beat the red.
If you can stop, you do stop.
Flashing Amber means opposing traffic must yield to you, but don’t expect them to.
Green does not mean Go.
What does it mean then?
Proceed when way is Clear, if it’s not clear, you Stop!
Flashing green, or green with an arrow, is an advanced light.
These are the ones you cannot go on
Because some guy four cars back turning left on a red prevents you from doing so.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Blogger to Comic?
BLOGGER TO COMIC?
By John Ross Harvey
Like many potential comics
I’m a writer
I do the Blog thing
But with millions of blogs
Who knows who’s reading?
What is comedy?
Life experiences mostly.
Absolutely anything can become funny.
Traffic commuting is a great source for me
Where else can a little bit of bad weather
Identify smart people from stupid ones?
Grey Car, Grey Road, Grey Sky, No Lights, NO SEE!
I’d bet 95% of accidents are grey cars.
Or when traveling at night
Black Car, Black Road, Black Sky
No Lights at Night, No Brain in Sight!
Or better yet when it snows
White Cars, White Roads, White Sky
If they knew what a Snowbrush did
They might actually be another colour!
You know when is the best time for me to drive is?
Horrific Torrential Rain
Even the stupid people stop and wait.
Then I can have the road to myself
And guaranteed not to be annoyed by stupidity.
I bet you don’t even know what the traffic lights mean.
Red is quite obvious, you stop.
Yellow does not mean, speed up so I miss the red
It means prepare to stop
And if you can’t make it past the light, it means stop.
Green does not mean Go
Why do I say that?
Because I’m right
It means Proceed when the way is Clear
If you cannot proceed, it means stop.
So we have 3 traffic lights that all mean stop
No wonder we have traffic congestion
By John Ross Harvey
Like many potential comics
I’m a writer
I do the Blog thing
But with millions of blogs
Who knows who’s reading?
What is comedy?
Life experiences mostly.
Absolutely anything can become funny.
Traffic commuting is a great source for me
Where else can a little bit of bad weather
Identify smart people from stupid ones?
Grey Car, Grey Road, Grey Sky, No Lights, NO SEE!
I’d bet 95% of accidents are grey cars.
Or when traveling at night
Black Car, Black Road, Black Sky
No Lights at Night, No Brain in Sight!
Or better yet when it snows
White Cars, White Roads, White Sky
If they knew what a Snowbrush did
They might actually be another colour!
You know when is the best time for me to drive is?
Horrific Torrential Rain
Even the stupid people stop and wait.
Then I can have the road to myself
And guaranteed not to be annoyed by stupidity.
I bet you don’t even know what the traffic lights mean.
Red is quite obvious, you stop.
Yellow does not mean, speed up so I miss the red
It means prepare to stop
And if you can’t make it past the light, it means stop.
Green does not mean Go
Why do I say that?
Because I’m right
It means Proceed when the way is Clear
If you cannot proceed, it means stop.
So we have 3 traffic lights that all mean stop
No wonder we have traffic congestion
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Drive By Education
DRIVE BY EDUCATION
By John Ross Harvey
You all know about road rage
But I try to improve on its methods
I give “Drive By Education”
What is that, you say?
If I see someone driving in an unsafe manner
I roll down my window
“Hey! Its dark outside, put you’re lights on Moron!”
In the winter I have a rough time
As the majority of people cannot drive safely
They are what I call the Three Forces Of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks
Defroster Dunces and
The Wipers Only Brigade
It amazes me the level of intelligence you must need
To figure out how to use a snowbrush
No, it’s hop in and go for them.
Then you have Arrogant Parkers
You know the type
I’ll just park at the front door and go shopping.
IT’S A FIRE LANE!!!!!
Perhaps this will feel more important to you
When a Fire-truck runs over your car!
There are two more types of motorists that annoy me
I call them motorists as driver is beyond their ability
That would require actual intelligence
No these guys Block Intersections
“Oh, the light is green, I must go…….”
NOWHERE!
Anyone with eyeballs and a brain can Stop at a green light.
If you can’t cross it, don’t block it, Blockhead!
Then when you stop, because you’re smarter than them
The idiot behind you honks his horn
That’s a genuine indication, that the guy is brainless.
But worse than them
Hard as that may be
Are what I call Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putzes
Morons that drive in curb lanes between cars
In attempts to get ahead of you.
Here’s a clue people
Nobody parks in the Left Lane!
If you cannot see a Parked car ahead
Who allowed you to drive?
By John Ross Harvey
You all know about road rage
But I try to improve on its methods
I give “Drive By Education”
What is that, you say?
If I see someone driving in an unsafe manner
I roll down my window
“Hey! Its dark outside, put you’re lights on Moron!”
In the winter I have a rough time
As the majority of people cannot drive safely
They are what I call the Three Forces Of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks
Defroster Dunces and
The Wipers Only Brigade
It amazes me the level of intelligence you must need
To figure out how to use a snowbrush
No, it’s hop in and go for them.
Then you have Arrogant Parkers
You know the type
I’ll just park at the front door and go shopping.
IT’S A FIRE LANE!!!!!
Perhaps this will feel more important to you
When a Fire-truck runs over your car!
There are two more types of motorists that annoy me
I call them motorists as driver is beyond their ability
That would require actual intelligence
No these guys Block Intersections
“Oh, the light is green, I must go…….”
NOWHERE!
Anyone with eyeballs and a brain can Stop at a green light.
If you can’t cross it, don’t block it, Blockhead!
Then when you stop, because you’re smarter than them
The idiot behind you honks his horn
That’s a genuine indication, that the guy is brainless.
But worse than them
Hard as that may be
Are what I call Pathetic Parked Car Passing Putzes
Morons that drive in curb lanes between cars
In attempts to get ahead of you.
Here’s a clue people
Nobody parks in the Left Lane!
If you cannot see a Parked car ahead
Who allowed you to drive?
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Computer Dependancy
COMPUTER DEPENDANCY
By John Ross Harvey
What would you do today
Without a Computer?
Computers read your bank cards or credit cards
At grocery stores, gas pumps, and even banks.
You spend 8 hours a day typing and mouse clicking
On a computer at work
When you take your car for service, they plug in a computer
Behind the counter at McDonald’s might be a computer
Except they still look like 14 year old students.
Computer rooms operate your TV cable service
And your cell phone network
So what would you do without a computer?
Pretty much nothing.
By John Ross Harvey
What would you do today
Without a Computer?
Computers read your bank cards or credit cards
At grocery stores, gas pumps, and even banks.
You spend 8 hours a day typing and mouse clicking
On a computer at work
When you take your car for service, they plug in a computer
Behind the counter at McDonald’s might be a computer
Except they still look like 14 year old students.
Computer rooms operate your TV cable service
And your cell phone network
So what would you do without a computer?
Pretty much nothing.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Slave to Technology
SLAVE TO TECHNOLOGY
By John Ross Harvey
There are things I do today
That I thought were quite stupid a few years ago
Using a cell phone while shopping
Your wife gives you a list
The store doesn’t have an item or two
So you call her on the cell phone.
Simple really
“What do you want? They don’t have Spaghetti sauce.”
But a few years ago
I would not use a cell phone
And I would laugh at people
Standing in the chips aisle
“You want Ruffles or Doritos?”
I’d think that was pretty lazy
What kind of loser would ask what to buy?
I’ve since become one of those said losers
Isn’t technology great?
Conveniently destroying our brain cells
So we need to use it more.
By John Ross Harvey
There are things I do today
That I thought were quite stupid a few years ago
Using a cell phone while shopping
Your wife gives you a list
The store doesn’t have an item or two
So you call her on the cell phone.
Simple really
“What do you want? They don’t have Spaghetti sauce.”
But a few years ago
I would not use a cell phone
And I would laugh at people
Standing in the chips aisle
“You want Ruffles or Doritos?”
I’d think that was pretty lazy
What kind of loser would ask what to buy?
I’ve since become one of those said losers
Isn’t technology great?
Conveniently destroying our brain cells
So we need to use it more.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Country Music - Volume II
Country music –Volume II
By John Ross Harvey
I find a lot of humour in Country Music
There are of course comedians that fit the genre
Foxworthy, Engvall, Cable Guy, and Cletus T Judd
But I’m not talking about them
I’m talking about Chesney, Paisley and Keith
When they’re not singing ballads
Or in some cases Anthems
They sing about Drinking
Nothing funnier than a good drinking song
Keg in the Closet
Beer in Mexico
Beer for My Horses
I Love This Bar
And straight to the point Alcohol
A whole lot of alcohol going on in Country Music
Yet they almost never get charged with D.U.I.
At least not until they cameo on LOST
It’s almost a good thing teenagers hate Country Music
They might be taking our Beer and our Cds!
By John Ross Harvey
I find a lot of humour in Country Music
There are of course comedians that fit the genre
Foxworthy, Engvall, Cable Guy, and Cletus T Judd
But I’m not talking about them
I’m talking about Chesney, Paisley and Keith
When they’re not singing ballads
Or in some cases Anthems
They sing about Drinking
Nothing funnier than a good drinking song
Keg in the Closet
Beer in Mexico
Beer for My Horses
I Love This Bar
And straight to the point Alcohol
A whole lot of alcohol going on in Country Music
Yet they almost never get charged with D.U.I.
At least not until they cameo on LOST
It’s almost a good thing teenagers hate Country Music
They might be taking our Beer and our Cds!
Thursday, April 05, 2007
America Got It Wrong! Gina Glocksen Deserved to Win!
AMERICA-GOT IT WRONG!
GINA GLOCKSEN DESERVED TO WIN!
By John Ross Harvey
Well they’ve really done it now
The Simon worshippers will keep his 3 favourites
Lakisha, Melinda, and Jordin
The Howard Stern mentally unstable population
Will continue to promote Sanjaya, and apparently Haley.
Both are still alive.
Not on singing talent
Simply by the Howard Stern and Vote for the Worst Brigades
Gina easily sang the best two performances bar-none
These last two weeks
The supposed Rocker girl, excelled at ballads
And was phenomenally good at the Standard “SMILE”
I have officially decided to never watch this show
For the rest of this season
I really could care less who wins
Simon’s trio may be great for Motown
But the general public needs a wider range of talent
The other vote stealing individuals
Know they are extending their stay well beyond the past due date
And it’s not their fault
End the madness
Stop watching!
GINA GLOCKSEN DESERVED TO WIN!
By John Ross Harvey
Well they’ve really done it now
The Simon worshippers will keep his 3 favourites
Lakisha, Melinda, and Jordin
The Howard Stern mentally unstable population
Will continue to promote Sanjaya, and apparently Haley.
Both are still alive.
Not on singing talent
Simply by the Howard Stern and Vote for the Worst Brigades
Gina easily sang the best two performances bar-none
These last two weeks
The supposed Rocker girl, excelled at ballads
And was phenomenally good at the Standard “SMILE”
I have officially decided to never watch this show
For the rest of this season
I really could care less who wins
Simon’s trio may be great for Motown
But the general public needs a wider range of talent
The other vote stealing individuals
Know they are extending their stay well beyond the past due date
And it’s not their fault
End the madness
Stop watching!
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Choices
CHOICES
By John Ross Harvey
Choices
Most people are faced with choices in life
Usually it’s two choices
Coffee or Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla
Dinner or a Movie
Man or Woman
Single or Married
Drive or Transit
Work or Play
Funny or Not
But did you make the right choices?
Was buying a PC over a Mac really a good choice?
Was buying a Ford over a Honda really a good choice?
Audition or Not
Did I make the right choice?
Leno or Letterman
Conan or Ferguson
HGTV or the Weather Channel
Life is full of choices
Wine or Whisky
Pizza or Burgers
Diet or Not
Caffeine Free or Not
Carb Free or Not
Sugar Free or Not
Is it any wonder we’re all confused?
And wait staff wonder why menu reading takes so long.
Too many choices!
It’s more than two.
By John Ross Harvey
Choices
Most people are faced with choices in life
Usually it’s two choices
Coffee or Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla
Dinner or a Movie
Man or Woman
Single or Married
Drive or Transit
Work or Play
Funny or Not
But did you make the right choices?
Was buying a PC over a Mac really a good choice?
Was buying a Ford over a Honda really a good choice?
Audition or Not
Did I make the right choice?
Leno or Letterman
Conan or Ferguson
HGTV or the Weather Channel
Life is full of choices
Wine or Whisky
Pizza or Burgers
Diet or Not
Caffeine Free or Not
Carb Free or Not
Sugar Free or Not
Is it any wonder we’re all confused?
And wait staff wonder why menu reading takes so long.
Too many choices!
It’s more than two.
Monday, April 02, 2007
MY JOB
MY JOB
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody has a job
Every job can be funny
I’m a draftsman
What’s funny about that?
My boss calls me by my email address.
J-Harvey
So he yells “Jharvey!”
Who do I work for?
An Italian contractor
10 years without concrete shoes
I think I’m doing Ok
I work with Autocad
For people that know about it
It’s the Microsoft of the Cad industry
Upgrades are usually not useful
And cost too much
So they end up being pirated
To teach a layman how to use Autocad
Is a task in itself
There are exact coordinates using a tablet
Or relative coordinates using a mouse and keyboard
I use the latter
2, 2 is an exact coordinate of x, and y
@2<45 is a relative coordinate from a starting point
If the keyboard doesn’t shift when you type that
You’ll get 22, 45 which is an exact coordinate
Nowhere near where you wanted to be
Thankfully Autocad has a user friendly command
UNDO!
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody has a job
Every job can be funny
I’m a draftsman
What’s funny about that?
My boss calls me by my email address.
J-Harvey
So he yells “Jharvey!”
Who do I work for?
An Italian contractor
10 years without concrete shoes
I think I’m doing Ok
I work with Autocad
For people that know about it
It’s the Microsoft of the Cad industry
Upgrades are usually not useful
And cost too much
So they end up being pirated
To teach a layman how to use Autocad
Is a task in itself
There are exact coordinates using a tablet
Or relative coordinates using a mouse and keyboard
I use the latter
2, 2 is an exact coordinate of x, and y
@2<45 is a relative coordinate from a starting point
If the keyboard doesn’t shift when you type that
You’ll get 22, 45 which is an exact coordinate
Nowhere near where you wanted to be
Thankfully Autocad has a user friendly command
UNDO!
Friday, March 30, 2007
Life's Moments
LIFE’S MOMENTS
By John Ross Harvey
There are things that happen in life
Which are funny
You have to remember them
When painting our powder room red
I got paint on my head
My wife pointed at it and I said:
“Gorbachov!”
The antenna snapped off my car
After an ice storm
And the radio still works
So my car comes with a useless device
And the weather made me realize it.
Before I was married
I did a lip synching dance number
Complete with pyrotechnics on a green screen
To INXS’ New Sensation
Around the same time I went to a Portuguese wedding
And danced up a storm there
The bride informed me, that I was a celebrity in Portugal
Because I danced so madly
In her wedding video, which most of Portugal had then seen
I borrowed a movie off a friend
And slept through parts of it
I told her I liked what I saw
Which wasn’t really lying
I asked my neighbour to lend me her DaVinci Code book
She’d been trying to read it for months, but struggled
She saw me after I bought the paperback
When I was half done in 2 days
The look on her face was priceless.
Snowstorms always happen on days you need to be home early.
It only rains after you wash the car
Gas prices rise immediately before you need it.
By John Ross Harvey
There are things that happen in life
Which are funny
You have to remember them
When painting our powder room red
I got paint on my head
My wife pointed at it and I said:
“Gorbachov!”
The antenna snapped off my car
After an ice storm
And the radio still works
So my car comes with a useless device
And the weather made me realize it.
Before I was married
I did a lip synching dance number
Complete with pyrotechnics on a green screen
To INXS’ New Sensation
Around the same time I went to a Portuguese wedding
And danced up a storm there
The bride informed me, that I was a celebrity in Portugal
Because I danced so madly
In her wedding video, which most of Portugal had then seen
I borrowed a movie off a friend
And slept through parts of it
I told her I liked what I saw
Which wasn’t really lying
I asked my neighbour to lend me her DaVinci Code book
She’d been trying to read it for months, but struggled
She saw me after I bought the paperback
When I was half done in 2 days
The look on her face was priceless.
Snowstorms always happen on days you need to be home early.
It only rains after you wash the car
Gas prices rise immediately before you need it.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Sanjaya Malakar destroys American Idol
SANJAYA MALAKAR DESTROYS AMERICAN IDOL
By John Ross Harvey
Here’s this kid
Semi-cute
Girls love him
Not a great singer
Vote for the Worst’s poster boy
Wore a ridiculous faux-hawk hairdo
While singing poorly
He’s now in the top 9
Of American Idol
This boy has single-handedly
Done what all the other networks have been praying for
Destroyed American Idol
If he makes the Top 8
Heads will start rolling
Chris Sligh was much better than him
Gina Glockson is my personal favourite
Nobody may touch the duo of Melinda and Lakisha
But the way things are going
It’ll be Haley and Sanjaya in the final.
Don’t bet on it
You might win.
By John Ross Harvey
Here’s this kid
Semi-cute
Girls love him
Not a great singer
Vote for the Worst’s poster boy
Wore a ridiculous faux-hawk hairdo
While singing poorly
He’s now in the top 9
Of American Idol
This boy has single-handedly
Done what all the other networks have been praying for
Destroyed American Idol
If he makes the Top 8
Heads will start rolling
Chris Sligh was much better than him
Gina Glockson is my personal favourite
Nobody may touch the duo of Melinda and Lakisha
But the way things are going
It’ll be Haley and Sanjaya in the final.
Don’t bet on it
You might win.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Star Trek - Revisited
STAR TREK -REVISITED
By John Ross Harvey
There isn’t a North American alive
That doesn’t know Star Trek
You have Kirk fans called Trekkies
And Picard fans called Trekkers
And Archer fans called….missing
I could call myself a Trekkie Trekker
I can…talk…..like…….Captain……Kirk…does
Or prove I’m a bilingual Vulcan (show fingers)
If I could master the neck pinch
I might win more fights.
From the Picard point of view
I’m bald, so we look alike
I can fake a French accent too
But I have to bring up the main differences
Between Classic and Next Generation Star Trek
On an away mission, there was Kirk, Spock, Bones,
And a Red shirt
You know; the guy who’s going to DIE!
Now in Picard’s century on an away mission
He takes Riker and Geordi
What does he need an engineer for on the planet?
“Captain, the structural integrity of that tree branch is failing”
“Geordi to Enterprise, please beam down two titanium support columns.”
Do you not find it weird that Picard is wearing a Red Shirt?
Isn’t that wrong?
Last time I checked he doesn’t die.
They made a lot of improvements in one century
Better technology and less chrome
And no more instant death of Red Shirts
Klingons actually look alien instead of like bearded Kung fu guys.
Tribbles are no longer sold as pets.
Warp 10 is an order, not an impossibility
Make it so!
By John Ross Harvey
There isn’t a North American alive
That doesn’t know Star Trek
You have Kirk fans called Trekkies
And Picard fans called Trekkers
And Archer fans called….missing
I could call myself a Trekkie Trekker
I can…talk…..like…….Captain……Kirk…does
Or prove I’m a bilingual Vulcan (show fingers)
If I could master the neck pinch
I might win more fights.
From the Picard point of view
I’m bald, so we look alike
I can fake a French accent too
But I have to bring up the main differences
Between Classic and Next Generation Star Trek
On an away mission, there was Kirk, Spock, Bones,
And a Red shirt
You know; the guy who’s going to DIE!
Now in Picard’s century on an away mission
He takes Riker and Geordi
What does he need an engineer for on the planet?
“Captain, the structural integrity of that tree branch is failing”
“Geordi to Enterprise, please beam down two titanium support columns.”
Do you not find it weird that Picard is wearing a Red Shirt?
Isn’t that wrong?
Last time I checked he doesn’t die.
They made a lot of improvements in one century
Better technology and less chrome
And no more instant death of Red Shirts
Klingons actually look alien instead of like bearded Kung fu guys.
Tribbles are no longer sold as pets.
Warp 10 is an order, not an impossibility
Make it so!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Dreams
DREAMS
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody has dreams right?
You’ve done everything
And been everything you’ve ever wanted
I’ve been an astronaut
A formula one race driver
A politician,
Wait that was a nightmare
I’ve been a stand-up comic in my dreams
Imagine that
A father in his forties
Single income, two children, outstanding mortgage
SITCOM
Isn’t that a prerequisite?
All sitcoms are by stand-up comics
Bill Cosby
Steve Harvey
I really don’t think we’re related, but he is funny
Ray Romano
Paul Reiser
No he only had one child in his show
So it then cancelled over money
SITCOM after the fact
My son’s new favourite channel is Family
A whole lot of sitcoms
8 Simple Rules
That’s so Raven
And his favourite
Smart Guy
Where a 10 year old teaches everyone else about life
Isn’t that a new game show?
Foxworthy’s: Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Be very thankful Smart Guy isn’t on that
These contestants might actually win the million!
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody has dreams right?
You’ve done everything
And been everything you’ve ever wanted
I’ve been an astronaut
A formula one race driver
A politician,
Wait that was a nightmare
I’ve been a stand-up comic in my dreams
Imagine that
A father in his forties
Single income, two children, outstanding mortgage
SITCOM
Isn’t that a prerequisite?
All sitcoms are by stand-up comics
Bill Cosby
Steve Harvey
I really don’t think we’re related, but he is funny
Ray Romano
Paul Reiser
No he only had one child in his show
So it then cancelled over money
SITCOM after the fact
My son’s new favourite channel is Family
A whole lot of sitcoms
8 Simple Rules
That’s so Raven
And his favourite
Smart Guy
Where a 10 year old teaches everyone else about life
Isn’t that a new game show?
Foxworthy’s: Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Be very thankful Smart Guy isn’t on that
These contestants might actually win the million!
Monday, March 26, 2007
Diets
DIETS
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody is on a diet
Low Fat
Low Carb
Low Salt
Low Sugar
Will Shatner-All Bran
I’m not on a diet
Perhaps I should be but I’m not
Low Carbs means no grains, and lots of meat
Liking the meat part, but no bread or pasta is unthinkable
Low fat, is yoghurt, I eat that, but it’s not a meal
Low salt, well if it has it, you eat it, if not, it qualifies
Low sugar, that’s simply insane!
Everything has sugar.
No sugar is absolute starvation.
That may shed the pounds off, but it won’t be pleasant.
I did do the Will Shatner All Bran diet before, and it worked
Until you can’t stand the taste of All Bran anymore.
I prefer the Eat what I want diet
If you want it, eat it.
That way you don’t starve on what’s missing.
By John Ross Harvey
Everybody is on a diet
Low Fat
Low Carb
Low Salt
Low Sugar
Will Shatner-All Bran
I’m not on a diet
Perhaps I should be but I’m not
Low Carbs means no grains, and lots of meat
Liking the meat part, but no bread or pasta is unthinkable
Low fat, is yoghurt, I eat that, but it’s not a meal
Low salt, well if it has it, you eat it, if not, it qualifies
Low sugar, that’s simply insane!
Everything has sugar.
No sugar is absolute starvation.
That may shed the pounds off, but it won’t be pleasant.
I did do the Will Shatner All Bran diet before, and it worked
Until you can’t stand the taste of All Bran anymore.
I prefer the Eat what I want diet
If you want it, eat it.
That way you don’t starve on what’s missing.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Bizarre Happenings
BIZARRE HAPPENINGS
By John Ross Harvey
My wife and I bought an exercise bike
An elliptical pedal and ski pole type thing
It’s been fun to use
But it’s not in perfect running order
The wires inside somehow do not
Record the data on the digital readout
Everything is “0” except your pulse
Which is a different wire
We took the cover off the wheel to see what’s wrong
But found nothing we could change
So we’re resorting to the toll-free service number
1-866-etc. etc.
Except that a message on that number says
“The number 416-etc. etc. is no longer in service
Please call 1-800-etc. etc. “
So my wife calls it, and it’s a pipeline company in B.C.
Somewhere along the lines
A phone number got messed up
I doubt very much that a pipeline company
Can fix my exercise bike.
I’ll let Canadian Tire figure it out.
My 90 days aren’t up yet.
By John Ross Harvey
My wife and I bought an exercise bike
An elliptical pedal and ski pole type thing
It’s been fun to use
But it’s not in perfect running order
The wires inside somehow do not
Record the data on the digital readout
Everything is “0” except your pulse
Which is a different wire
We took the cover off the wheel to see what’s wrong
But found nothing we could change
So we’re resorting to the toll-free service number
1-866-etc. etc.
Except that a message on that number says
“The number 416-etc. etc. is no longer in service
Please call 1-800-etc. etc. “
So my wife calls it, and it’s a pipeline company in B.C.
Somewhere along the lines
A phone number got messed up
I doubt very much that a pipeline company
Can fix my exercise bike.
I’ll let Canadian Tire figure it out.
My 90 days aren’t up yet.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Oscar Night 2007
OSCAR NIGHT 2007
By John Ross Harvey
Like most people
I’ve seen 1 of the top 5 nominated movies
And since that 1 won
I may not have to see the others.
The Departed was the quickest 2-½ hrs ever spent at the cinema.
The awards may have been the longest 4-½ hrs ever spent.
Perhaps I’m not alone but I track the categories
With 3 options to win
Will Win, Should Win, and Could Win
Will and Should may be same movie, Could is always the dark horse
If any of my W, S, and C picks miss, they become Other
My 24 Category score was 10W, 6S, 4C, 6 Other
Departed took 4
Pan’s Labyrinth took 3, but not Foreign Film
All five movie nominations were not shut out
They had at least 1 or 2
CARS, which should have won Animated Feature and Song
Lost in Both
Inconvenient Truth won Documentary Feature and Song
Al Gore beats Larry The Cable Guy
The shadow dancers were incredible
Jennifer Hudson could care less about George Clooney
She just won an Oscar!
By John Ross Harvey
Like most people
I’ve seen 1 of the top 5 nominated movies
And since that 1 won
I may not have to see the others.
The Departed was the quickest 2-½ hrs ever spent at the cinema.
The awards may have been the longest 4-½ hrs ever spent.
Perhaps I’m not alone but I track the categories
With 3 options to win
Will Win, Should Win, and Could Win
Will and Should may be same movie, Could is always the dark horse
If any of my W, S, and C picks miss, they become Other
My 24 Category score was 10W, 6S, 4C, 6 Other
Departed took 4
Pan’s Labyrinth took 3, but not Foreign Film
All five movie nominations were not shut out
They had at least 1 or 2
CARS, which should have won Animated Feature and Song
Lost in Both
Inconvenient Truth won Documentary Feature and Song
Al Gore beats Larry The Cable Guy
The shadow dancers were incredible
Jennifer Hudson could care less about George Clooney
She just won an Oscar!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
My Drive into Work in Today's Snow
MY DRIVE INTO WORK IN TODAY’S SNOW
By John Ross Harvey
Snow started around 7:10am in Woodbridge
I brushed the car 4 times before taking my
Children to their school bus stop
While waiting for the bus
At least 4 cars ran the stop sign there
Why?
Can they not see it?
NO!
They hop in to their completely Snow covered vehicle
And drive as is.
IMPAIRED!
A Wiper blade swipe pass, a half rolled down window
Maybe some defroster lines
And they think they are safe?????????
As on a normal day, I would travel on the 400Hwy south
But snow prevents normal
So I take Weston Road south
7:45am to 9:35am for 35 Km
3 minutes and 8.5 s per km
Many vehicles without lights on in the blizzard
Many more vehicles without snow removed
If snow is on your mirror, you cannot see behind you
If snow is on your washer nozzles, you cannot spray
If snow is on your headlights and taillights, they are severely dimmed
If snow is in your wheel wells, steering becomes a problem
If snow covers your air grille, you can overheat, yes you can!
If snow covers your windows, you cannot see around you
Lack of Vision is Impairment; make no mistake
A snow-covered vehicle is equivalent to being drunk
There is no difference in the lack of safety both represent
Lights On, Snow Off, it’s simple, not Rocket Science
Snow
Not
On
Windows
Brush
Remainder
Unbelievably
SAFE &
Healthy
Don’t join the Three Forces of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks
Defroster Dunces &
The Wipers Only Brigade
By John Ross Harvey
Snow started around 7:10am in Woodbridge
I brushed the car 4 times before taking my
Children to their school bus stop
While waiting for the bus
At least 4 cars ran the stop sign there
Why?
Can they not see it?
NO!
They hop in to their completely Snow covered vehicle
And drive as is.
IMPAIRED!
A Wiper blade swipe pass, a half rolled down window
Maybe some defroster lines
And they think they are safe?????????
As on a normal day, I would travel on the 400Hwy south
But snow prevents normal
So I take Weston Road south
7:45am to 9:35am for 35 Km
3 minutes and 8.5 s per km
Many vehicles without lights on in the blizzard
Many more vehicles without snow removed
If snow is on your mirror, you cannot see behind you
If snow is on your washer nozzles, you cannot spray
If snow is on your headlights and taillights, they are severely dimmed
If snow is in your wheel wells, steering becomes a problem
If snow covers your air grille, you can overheat, yes you can!
If snow covers your windows, you cannot see around you
Lack of Vision is Impairment; make no mistake
A snow-covered vehicle is equivalent to being drunk
There is no difference in the lack of safety both represent
Lights On, Snow Off, it’s simple, not Rocket Science
Snow
Not
On
Windows
Brush
Remainder
Unbelievably
SAFE &
Healthy
Don’t join the Three Forces of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks
Defroster Dunces &
The Wipers Only Brigade
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Money
MONEY
By John Ross Harvey
Let’s face it
MONEY makes the world go around
It shouldn’t
But it does.
Nothing is achieved in life
Without having money to pay for it.
In my youth (read early 20’s)
I was able to afford Race Driving Lessons
From Jim Russell Racing School
At Mont Tremblant Quebec
I was never able to pay to go racing after that
My best racing has been Charity Go-kart events
For Huntington’s Disease
Actually my best racing has been on the Internet
At www.batracer.com
I am a 9-time champion
Once in 1986 Formula 1 and
Eight times in Champcars
But back to the point
Without money, my racing career doesn’t exist
In order to enter Driver Development
Which was funded by Players
You needed to be able to pay for your racing
And prove you could fit the program.
2 cars, 1 house, 1 wife and 2 kids later
And not in that order
I can afford pretty much very little
Beyond food on the table, and paid bills
Well some paid bills (Visa ouch!)
It would cost be about $2500 to publish a book of my material
It would cost about $25 to sponsor Batracer
I’d like to do both
But that would require me to have more money
Than I do
With RRSP season on, I have even less
As I have automatic withdrawals for those.
In twenty years those may be useful to me
But right now it’s really more than I can afford
Are you in the same boat?
Can your paycheck support a family of four?
Perhaps I need a 2nd job?
That would prevent me from watching TV
And like most Canadians, I cannot miss my shows.
So, how can I make more money?
If an audition in Montreal is possible and successful
I hope to be on the next Last Comic Standing
I’m not telling you when or where though
I want my place in line.
2 minutes may change my life.
By John Ross Harvey
Let’s face it
MONEY makes the world go around
It shouldn’t
But it does.
Nothing is achieved in life
Without having money to pay for it.
In my youth (read early 20’s)
I was able to afford Race Driving Lessons
From Jim Russell Racing School
At Mont Tremblant Quebec
I was never able to pay to go racing after that
My best racing has been Charity Go-kart events
For Huntington’s Disease
Actually my best racing has been on the Internet
At www.batracer.com
I am a 9-time champion
Once in 1986 Formula 1 and
Eight times in Champcars
But back to the point
Without money, my racing career doesn’t exist
In order to enter Driver Development
Which was funded by Players
You needed to be able to pay for your racing
And prove you could fit the program.
2 cars, 1 house, 1 wife and 2 kids later
And not in that order
I can afford pretty much very little
Beyond food on the table, and paid bills
Well some paid bills (Visa ouch!)
It would cost be about $2500 to publish a book of my material
It would cost about $25 to sponsor Batracer
I’d like to do both
But that would require me to have more money
Than I do
With RRSP season on, I have even less
As I have automatic withdrawals for those.
In twenty years those may be useful to me
But right now it’s really more than I can afford
Are you in the same boat?
Can your paycheck support a family of four?
Perhaps I need a 2nd job?
That would prevent me from watching TV
And like most Canadians, I cannot miss my shows.
So, how can I make more money?
If an audition in Montreal is possible and successful
I hope to be on the next Last Comic Standing
I’m not telling you when or where though
I want my place in line.
2 minutes may change my life.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Charm
Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
reprised for new Amazing Race All-stars
CHARM
By John Ross Harvey
It is said that men possess charm
Women are sexy
Men have charisma
Women have a demeanour
So what is charm?
Who has it?
Well, if Survivor and Amazing Race are clues
None other than Rob Mariano, Bahstun Rahb,
The Robfather, Robinator, Don Mariano himself.
Millions of women noticed him on All stars Survivor
Millions more on Amazing Race
Yeah, he was strategically manipulative,
But he had a goal and used his tools to achieve that goal.
Charm being one of them.
Every woman craves the not so nice guy.
Sawyer on LOST is the stubbled, mean guy, with a heart for the ladies.
Almost every romance movie has the bad boy.
But not all of them win the girl.
Bahstun Rahb did.
Does that make him charming?
Well if you consider he was basically nobody two years ago
And now he got married on TV
I’d say that he does indeed possess charm.
Charming Happy Amazing Race Man
I think it fits.
reprised for new Amazing Race All-stars
CHARM
By John Ross Harvey
It is said that men possess charm
Women are sexy
Men have charisma
Women have a demeanour
So what is charm?
Who has it?
Well, if Survivor and Amazing Race are clues
None other than Rob Mariano, Bahstun Rahb,
The Robfather, Robinator, Don Mariano himself.
Millions of women noticed him on All stars Survivor
Millions more on Amazing Race
Yeah, he was strategically manipulative,
But he had a goal and used his tools to achieve that goal.
Charm being one of them.
Every woman craves the not so nice guy.
Sawyer on LOST is the stubbled, mean guy, with a heart for the ladies.
Almost every romance movie has the bad boy.
But not all of them win the girl.
Bahstun Rahb did.
Does that make him charming?
Well if you consider he was basically nobody two years ago
And now he got married on TV
I’d say that he does indeed possess charm.
Charming Happy Amazing Race Man
I think it fits.
Monday, February 12, 2007
House M.D.
HOUSE M.D.
By John Ross Harvey
Are you a fan of House M.D.?
I am
Why?
Who could possibly like an egotistical jerk like him?
Well, he’s really just a fan of identifying stupidity.
Something I enjoy.
So I see a lot of me in Dr. House.
However, last week’s episode writers should be fired.
The episode was OK overall, but one scene bothered me.
House was driving a Mobile Snowbank.
You can’t tell me that a Super Intelligent Neurologist
Would ever choose to drive an Impaired vehicle!
If he were as smart as we think he is, he’d have cleaned the snow off!
OK, actually, he’d probably tell Wilson to do it.
I do believe the actor is stupid enough to drive that way.
You always hear about actors in car accidents.
I simply do not believe HOUSE should be that stupid.
I’m producers are smart; they will change that scene for the DVD set.
That’s just my opinion, but I’m right.
By John Ross Harvey
Are you a fan of House M.D.?
I am
Why?
Who could possibly like an egotistical jerk like him?
Well, he’s really just a fan of identifying stupidity.
Something I enjoy.
So I see a lot of me in Dr. House.
However, last week’s episode writers should be fired.
The episode was OK overall, but one scene bothered me.
House was driving a Mobile Snowbank.
You can’t tell me that a Super Intelligent Neurologist
Would ever choose to drive an Impaired vehicle!
If he were as smart as we think he is, he’d have cleaned the snow off!
OK, actually, he’d probably tell Wilson to do it.
I do believe the actor is stupid enough to drive that way.
You always hear about actors in car accidents.
I simply do not believe HOUSE should be that stupid.
I’m producers are smart; they will change that scene for the DVD set.
That’s just my opinion, but I’m right.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Groundhog Day
GROUNDHOG DAY
By John Ross Harvey
It’s official at 8:07am EST
Wiarton Willie did not see his shadow!
Spring is around the corner.
What corner?
How long is around the corner?
2 minutes?
A week?
6 weeks?
Probably.
By John Ross Harvey
It’s official at 8:07am EST
Wiarton Willie did not see his shadow!
Spring is around the corner.
What corner?
How long is around the corner?
2 minutes?
A week?
6 weeks?
Probably.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Automotive Advertising
AUTOMOTIVE ADVERTISING
By John Ross Harvey
We have an organization called MADD
Mothers Against Drunk Driving
It doesn’t go far enough, drunk is too literal,
Impaired is what matters.
Jeep had advertised a fully mud-covered Cherokee
In the middle of a city
And people with muddy faces that checked it out.
THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!
Subaru had advertised a snow-covered vehicle
Turning on its wipers to allow another Subaru
To take it’s parking spot.
THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!
Canadian Tire has had many commercials with
Snow-covered vehicles driving.
The latest transgression is to advertise Wiper Blades.
A mother drives a Mobile Snowbank
To pick up her child,
And all they sell in this commercial is Wiper Blades!
THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!
To be accurate they should sell the snowbrush and ice scraper
Also required to make the vehicle safe.
WIPERS DO NOT DO THE JOB!!
Another truck company, perhaps Toyota though I don’t recall
Had a perfectly clean pickup park next to
Several fully mud covered pickups
And the driver had to admit, “I just had it washed.”
THE OTHER VEHICLES WERE IMPAIRED!
Chevy advertising its Silverado pickup
Had one of the boss’ hired hands
At the construction site bring his truck
Fully washed.
The boss immediately made it DIRTY!
THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!
False advertising may be a crime, but why are we allowing this
Type of advertising to continue.
People do drive in the manners shown on these ads.
THEY ARE IMPAIRED DRIVERS!
It needs to end.
By John Ross Harvey
We have an organization called MADD
Mothers Against Drunk Driving
It doesn’t go far enough, drunk is too literal,
Impaired is what matters.
Jeep had advertised a fully mud-covered Cherokee
In the middle of a city
And people with muddy faces that checked it out.
THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!
Subaru had advertised a snow-covered vehicle
Turning on its wipers to allow another Subaru
To take it’s parking spot.
THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!
Canadian Tire has had many commercials with
Snow-covered vehicles driving.
The latest transgression is to advertise Wiper Blades.
A mother drives a Mobile Snowbank
To pick up her child,
And all they sell in this commercial is Wiper Blades!
THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!
To be accurate they should sell the snowbrush and ice scraper
Also required to make the vehicle safe.
WIPERS DO NOT DO THE JOB!!
Another truck company, perhaps Toyota though I don’t recall
Had a perfectly clean pickup park next to
Several fully mud covered pickups
And the driver had to admit, “I just had it washed.”
THE OTHER VEHICLES WERE IMPAIRED!
Chevy advertising its Silverado pickup
Had one of the boss’ hired hands
At the construction site bring his truck
Fully washed.
The boss immediately made it DIRTY!
THAT VEHICLE IS IMPAIRED!
False advertising may be a crime, but why are we allowing this
Type of advertising to continue.
People do drive in the manners shown on these ads.
THEY ARE IMPAIRED DRIVERS!
It needs to end.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Impairment
IMPAIRMENT
By John Ross Harvey
What is the definition of Impairment?
Many believe it is only Alcohol that causes it.
They are wrong.
The commercial where all the glasses get added
Showing poorer and poorer vision
Is suggesting how alcohol can cause Impairment.
It is correct.
However, impairment is reduced vision.
If your vehicle is covered in Frost,
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
If your vehicle is covered in ICE,
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
If your vehicle is covered in SNOW,
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
If you do not take the time required
To make your vehicle safe
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
Today I saw an Impaired School Bus.
The driver’s window was a sheet of Ice
The windshield was a wiper pass surrounded by snow.
The roof was a sheet of ice, which blew off in chunks!
How can any human being with a heart
Ever allow their children on a vehicle that impaired??????????
There are many awareness organizations
Discussing how cell phones and radios
Can cause impairment
Please understand the reality of this Impairment.
Every frost, snow, and freezing rain we have
Impaired motorists endanger your lives
Don’t be one!
By John Ross Harvey
What is the definition of Impairment?
Many believe it is only Alcohol that causes it.
They are wrong.
The commercial where all the glasses get added
Showing poorer and poorer vision
Is suggesting how alcohol can cause Impairment.
It is correct.
However, impairment is reduced vision.
If your vehicle is covered in Frost,
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
If your vehicle is covered in ICE,
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
If your vehicle is covered in SNOW,
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
If you do not take the time required
To make your vehicle safe
YOU ARE IMPAIRED!
Today I saw an Impaired School Bus.
The driver’s window was a sheet of Ice
The windshield was a wiper pass surrounded by snow.
The roof was a sheet of ice, which blew off in chunks!
How can any human being with a heart
Ever allow their children on a vehicle that impaired??????????
There are many awareness organizations
Discussing how cell phones and radios
Can cause impairment
Please understand the reality of this Impairment.
Every frost, snow, and freezing rain we have
Impaired motorists endanger your lives
Don’t be one!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Wednesday Whine Cellar
WEDNESDAY WHINE CELLAR
By John Ross Harvey
My favourite radio station
Has a segment they like to call
Wednesday Whine Cellar
Where you can gripe about what bothers you
Be it traffic, work, neighbours, or whatever.
Understandably I gripe about traffic often on here
I’m probably the biggest user of the
Wednesday Whine Cellar
But as I have changed my commute route
Many times to avoid the problem areas
I am starting to see less traffic problems
Or at the very least, fewer areas where they occur.
However
I still see many traffic issues that require attention.
Drivers running with 4-way hazard lights
If you’re turning, turn the hazards off so
We know which direction you’re headed.
Parked car passing is a disease; get medical attention
I understand neurosurgery works.
Blocking intersections with or without a sign
That says “Do Not Block Intersection”
Is apparently still beyond most motorists
Ability to comprehend
Apparently Eyeballs and Brains don’t mix well with them.
Transport truck operators need to prevent their trucks
From leaving the yards covered in ice and snow
500 square feet of ice flying off a trailer can kill.
Don’t allow it to happen!
Every snowstorm the identify stupidity challenge becomes easier
As the majority of motorists, I refuse to call drivers
Have snow covering all areas of their vehicle.
With barely a defroster line or a wiper swipe to see out of.
This is dangerous practice.
It is IMPAIRMENT!
You are endangering people’s lives by being lazy.
2-5 minutes to make your vehicle safe is worth a few lives.
DO IT!
If you have a gripe to get off your chest
Country 95.3 will listen
Listen live at www.country953.com
And call in.
I can’t be the only one speaking with reason.
Thanks.
By John Ross Harvey
My favourite radio station
Has a segment they like to call
Wednesday Whine Cellar
Where you can gripe about what bothers you
Be it traffic, work, neighbours, or whatever.
Understandably I gripe about traffic often on here
I’m probably the biggest user of the
Wednesday Whine Cellar
But as I have changed my commute route
Many times to avoid the problem areas
I am starting to see less traffic problems
Or at the very least, fewer areas where they occur.
However
I still see many traffic issues that require attention.
Drivers running with 4-way hazard lights
If you’re turning, turn the hazards off so
We know which direction you’re headed.
Parked car passing is a disease; get medical attention
I understand neurosurgery works.
Blocking intersections with or without a sign
That says “Do Not Block Intersection”
Is apparently still beyond most motorists
Ability to comprehend
Apparently Eyeballs and Brains don’t mix well with them.
Transport truck operators need to prevent their trucks
From leaving the yards covered in ice and snow
500 square feet of ice flying off a trailer can kill.
Don’t allow it to happen!
Every snowstorm the identify stupidity challenge becomes easier
As the majority of motorists, I refuse to call drivers
Have snow covering all areas of their vehicle.
With barely a defroster line or a wiper swipe to see out of.
This is dangerous practice.
It is IMPAIRMENT!
You are endangering people’s lives by being lazy.
2-5 minutes to make your vehicle safe is worth a few lives.
DO IT!
If you have a gripe to get off your chest
Country 95.3 will listen
Listen live at www.country953.com
And call in.
I can’t be the only one speaking with reason.
Thanks.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Hell Isn't Fire, It's Ice
HELL ISN’T FIRE, IT’S ICE
By John Ross Harvey
I’m not here to denounce the Bible
But let’s put things into perspective
Many believe Hell to be Fire and Brimstone
Extreme heat
Capable of a very deep tan
But more likely a Sunburn
In all honesty
Is that worse than a Deep Freeze?
No!!!!!!!!!!
Hell isn’t hot; it’s frozen.
Snowball’s chance in Hell
That’s actually pretty good.
Need a new slogan.
As I have iterated for over a year now.
The Three Forces of Evil
Are covered with Snow
The scourge of Mankind
Followers of the Lord of Darkness
Are Motorists with zero ability
To understand the use of
A Snowbrush or
An Ice Scraper
Nothing suggests evil more
Than a Rolling Snowbank
Incapable of Full Vision
Through thin Defroster Lines
Or Wiper Blade Arcs
Satan, Mephisto, The Devil, The Lord of Darkness
Does not wear a Red Suit with a Pitchfork
He wears a Parka and Sorels
Are you more likely to fall ill in heat or cold?
What is the incurable disease?
A COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By John Ross Harvey
I’m not here to denounce the Bible
But let’s put things into perspective
Many believe Hell to be Fire and Brimstone
Extreme heat
Capable of a very deep tan
But more likely a Sunburn
In all honesty
Is that worse than a Deep Freeze?
No!!!!!!!!!!
Hell isn’t hot; it’s frozen.
Snowball’s chance in Hell
That’s actually pretty good.
Need a new slogan.
As I have iterated for over a year now.
The Three Forces of Evil
Are covered with Snow
The scourge of Mankind
Followers of the Lord of Darkness
Are Motorists with zero ability
To understand the use of
A Snowbrush or
An Ice Scraper
Nothing suggests evil more
Than a Rolling Snowbank
Incapable of Full Vision
Through thin Defroster Lines
Or Wiper Blade Arcs
Satan, Mephisto, The Devil, The Lord of Darkness
Does not wear a Red Suit with a Pitchfork
He wears a Parka and Sorels
Are you more likely to fall ill in heat or cold?
What is the incurable disease?
A COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, January 08, 2007
Invasion
INVASION
By John Ross Harvey
For years people thought we would be invaded
Mostly it was thought to be by Martians
Scientific data however suggests no life on Mars
Now after the various attacks worldwide
People believe that; Terrorists will invade us
Well perhaps yes, perhaps no
I have come to the realization that
We have already been invaded
BY STUPID PEOPLE!!!!
Don’t worry; they’re easy to spot, so stay clear of
Cars with no lights in rain, fog and darkness
Cars covered in mountains of snow
Cars covered in frost
Cars that cannot signal
Cars that drive right up to parked cars in the curb lane
Cars that ignore road signs like
STOP, DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION, and SCHOOL ZONE
Cars that park in fire lanes
Cars that honk when a light changes
Cars that honk when traffic is stationary
Cars in parking lots that don’t let you reverse out of your space
Cars that dive into lanes, which are ending in mere seconds
Cars that turn from the wrong lane
Cars that take extra lanes when turning
Cars that sit directly behind transport trucks on a highway
Cars that brake and swerve for manholes and train tracks
Cars that turn on red lights, that were behind the white line
For some strange reason
Even stupider people allowed these morons to drive.
You have been warned.We’ve been invaded!
By John Ross Harvey
For years people thought we would be invaded
Mostly it was thought to be by Martians
Scientific data however suggests no life on Mars
Now after the various attacks worldwide
People believe that; Terrorists will invade us
Well perhaps yes, perhaps no
I have come to the realization that
We have already been invaded
BY STUPID PEOPLE!!!!
Don’t worry; they’re easy to spot, so stay clear of
Cars with no lights in rain, fog and darkness
Cars covered in mountains of snow
Cars covered in frost
Cars that cannot signal
Cars that drive right up to parked cars in the curb lane
Cars that ignore road signs like
STOP, DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION, and SCHOOL ZONE
Cars that park in fire lanes
Cars that honk when a light changes
Cars that honk when traffic is stationary
Cars in parking lots that don’t let you reverse out of your space
Cars that dive into lanes, which are ending in mere seconds
Cars that turn from the wrong lane
Cars that take extra lanes when turning
Cars that sit directly behind transport trucks on a highway
Cars that brake and swerve for manholes and train tracks
Cars that turn on red lights, that were behind the white line
For some strange reason
Even stupider people allowed these morons to drive.
You have been warned.We’ve been invaded!
Friday, December 29, 2006
New Year's Day
NEW YEAR’S DAY
By John Ross Harvey
If you actually wake up
From your New Year’s Eve Celebrations
This is a free day off
Which you need
Because you have a hangover
Happy New Year!
Ouch.
By John Ross Harvey
If you actually wake up
From your New Year’s Eve Celebrations
This is a free day off
Which you need
Because you have a hangover
Happy New Year!
Ouch.
New Year's Eve
NEW YEAR’S EVE
By John Ross Harvey
We all know what this is about
Celebrate another year going by
Get plastered drunk
And miss the Times Square Countdown
Poor Dick Clark
He never gets to drink
Must be why he missed it once
Lord knows many of us have
But I have to bring one thing up
The Millenium was 2001
By John Ross Harvey
We all know what this is about
Celebrate another year going by
Get plastered drunk
And miss the Times Square Countdown
Poor Dick Clark
He never gets to drink
Must be why he missed it once
Lord knows many of us have
But I have to bring one thing up
The Millenium was 2001
Friday, December 22, 2006
Boxing Day
BOXING DAY
By John Ross Harvey
There are many opinions
As to what Boxing Day is
Many think its time to put
All the Gift boxes away
From Christmas
Many sports enthusiasts
Hope it’s a title fight on TV
It’s neither
If you exchange those gifts
You’ll have a black eye
That’s a fact
By John Ross Harvey
There are many opinions
As to what Boxing Day is
Many think its time to put
All the Gift boxes away
From Christmas
Many sports enthusiasts
Hope it’s a title fight on TV
It’s neither
If you exchange those gifts
You’ll have a black eye
That’s a fact
Christmas
CHRISTMAS
By John Ross Harvey
Christmas is a time for giving
And receiving
And Eating
And Drinking
And taking Advil when the Bills come in
And Boxing Day Sales
Are two days late
Merry Christmas
By John Ross Harvey
Christmas is a time for giving
And receiving
And Eating
And Drinking
And taking Advil when the Bills come in
And Boxing Day Sales
Are two days late
Merry Christmas
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Christmas Eve
CHRISTMAS EVE
By John Ross Harvey
Christmas and New Year’s Day
Have Eves
The day before is now an Evening
Well not really
But what you do on that day
Will happen in the evening
On Christmas Eve
You will finish shopping while
The stores close
In the Evening
You will wrap gifts
In the Evening
You will assume the role of
Santa Claus for your kids
In the Evening
You will then fall asleep
In the Evening
Whether you had anything to drink
Or not
In the Evening
By John Ross Harvey
Christmas and New Year’s Day
Have Eves
The day before is now an Evening
Well not really
But what you do on that day
Will happen in the evening
On Christmas Eve
You will finish shopping while
The stores close
In the Evening
You will wrap gifts
In the Evening
You will assume the role of
Santa Claus for your kids
In the Evening
You will then fall asleep
In the Evening
Whether you had anything to drink
Or not
In the Evening
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Present Wrapping
PRESENT WRAPPING
By John Ross Harvey
It’s near to Christmas and
You’re buying lots of presents
Which need to be wrapped
Do you A: get the store to wrap it?
B: get a service desk place to wrap it?
Or C: take it home and complain
That you still have to wrap it?
Usually you pick C
Why?
Because you’re losing the extra time
Needed to buy more presents
Which you definitely will need
When you get home
In order to start wrapping them.
By John Ross Harvey
It’s near to Christmas and
You’re buying lots of presents
Which need to be wrapped
Do you A: get the store to wrap it?
B: get a service desk place to wrap it?
Or C: take it home and complain
That you still have to wrap it?
Usually you pick C
Why?
Because you’re losing the extra time
Needed to buy more presents
Which you definitely will need
When you get home
In order to start wrapping them.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Parking Space Searching
PARKING SPACE SEARCHING
By John Ross Harvey
It’s almost Christmas
You need to shop
Which means going to a mall
Where you need to park
Except finding a space is
Extremely difficult
A good portion by all the
Christmas trees they’re selling
And many more by people that
Park poorly
So you’re left with one option
Find someone walking and
Stalk them to their car
To get a space
Usually 1400 miles from the door
But there is a dilemma
In this strategy
That person could be paranoid
That you’re a psycho axe murderer
And getting to their car
Will be the last thing they ever do
So they intentionally walk through
Three or Four lanes of
Parking spaces to piss you off
And lose your tail
Honestly just drop off the family
At the door and meet them 5 hours later
When you find a spot from
Someone that isn’t paranoid.
By John Ross Harvey
It’s almost Christmas
You need to shop
Which means going to a mall
Where you need to park
Except finding a space is
Extremely difficult
A good portion by all the
Christmas trees they’re selling
And many more by people that
Park poorly
So you’re left with one option
Find someone walking and
Stalk them to their car
To get a space
Usually 1400 miles from the door
But there is a dilemma
In this strategy
That person could be paranoid
That you’re a psycho axe murderer
And getting to their car
Will be the last thing they ever do
So they intentionally walk through
Three or Four lanes of
Parking spaces to piss you off
And lose your tail
Honestly just drop off the family
At the door and meet them 5 hours later
When you find a spot from
Someone that isn’t paranoid.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Systems that Don't make Sense
SYSTEMS THAT DON’T MAKE SENSE
By John Ross Harvey
You deal with various systems daily that really defy logic
But that’s the way it’s always been so you
Take it for granted
Batteries: D, C, AA, and AAA
Would it not be simpler to call them A, B, C, and D?
How did AA and AAA ever come to pass?
School grading: 4,3,2,0
4 is 85%up, 3 70-84%, 2 60-69%, 0 less than 60%
Why is there no 1?
1 could be 50-59%
That isn’t a failure in an election, it’s a win!
Clothing sizes: S, M, L, Xl, XXL, XXXL, and XXXXL
Sometimes numbers are less annoying.
Nobody that wears XXXXL wants to see that
Size 60 is probably less traumatic
Shoe sizes:
Why is size 5 men’s equal to size 7 women’s?
Why do kids sizes have no gender differences?
Why do kid’s sizes go up to 13 before an adult 1?
Why don’t adult sizes start at 14?
Why are European sizes more like 168 than 3?
By John Ross Harvey
You deal with various systems daily that really defy logic
But that’s the way it’s always been so you
Take it for granted
Batteries: D, C, AA, and AAA
Would it not be simpler to call them A, B, C, and D?
How did AA and AAA ever come to pass?
School grading: 4,3,2,0
4 is 85%up, 3 70-84%, 2 60-69%, 0 less than 60%
Why is there no 1?
1 could be 50-59%
That isn’t a failure in an election, it’s a win!
Clothing sizes: S, M, L, Xl, XXL, XXXL, and XXXXL
Sometimes numbers are less annoying.
Nobody that wears XXXXL wants to see that
Size 60 is probably less traumatic
Shoe sizes:
Why is size 5 men’s equal to size 7 women’s?
Why do kids sizes have no gender differences?
Why do kid’s sizes go up to 13 before an adult 1?
Why don’t adult sizes start at 14?
Why are European sizes more like 168 than 3?
Friday, December 01, 2006
I've gone National...Post that is
I contributed to this fabulous article on driving habits.
Thank you Ed Drass for listening and printing my opinions.
Thank you Ed Drass for listening and printing my opinions.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Rain
RAIN
By John Ross Harvey
What happens when it rains?
It gets dark
It gets slippery
It’s hard to see
So why do motorists drive without lights?
What possible train of thought
Could make these people
Want to drive so poorly?
Do they think their grey car
On the grey road
Under a grey sky
Is visible?
We don’t need a wild experiment
To make an invisible man
We just need a motorist
Without lights in a rainstorm
There are thousands of these
Invisible beings every rainfall
Their eyesight is shot too
Heaven forbid they turn their lights on
High beam flashing them
Only makes you see them briefly
They will continue unabated
In their invisible form
Until someone that doesn’t see them
Finally hits them
And asks the question
What planet are you from?
By John Ross Harvey
What happens when it rains?
It gets dark
It gets slippery
It’s hard to see
So why do motorists drive without lights?
What possible train of thought
Could make these people
Want to drive so poorly?
Do they think their grey car
On the grey road
Under a grey sky
Is visible?
We don’t need a wild experiment
To make an invisible man
We just need a motorist
Without lights in a rainstorm
There are thousands of these
Invisible beings every rainfall
Their eyesight is shot too
Heaven forbid they turn their lights on
High beam flashing them
Only makes you see them briefly
They will continue unabated
In their invisible form
Until someone that doesn’t see them
Finally hits them
And asks the question
What planet are you from?
Thursday, November 23, 2006
FROST-VOLUME II
FROST-VOLUME II
By John Ross Harvey
You’d think that vision would be a priority for people
But you’d be amazed how many drivers don’t think this way.
For the past two days there has been thick heavy Frost
For the past two days I have USED A SCRAPER!
Today, I stare at a driver in an SUV, and mouth the words
“You can’t see!”
Guess what he did?
He rolled the window down!
WHY?
BECAUSE HE CAN’T SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I told him:
“Scrape your windows and learn how to drive please.”
Realizing his inability to defeat the truth of the matter
He rolled his window back up and drove away.
This, in a neighbourhood full of children, waiting for school buses.
It’s Impaired Driving.
There is no Difference.
Suspend their Licenses
Anything less is not going to make these people learn.
BUY A SCRAPER AND LEARN HOW TO USE IT!
By John Ross Harvey
You’d think that vision would be a priority for people
But you’d be amazed how many drivers don’t think this way.
For the past two days there has been thick heavy Frost
For the past two days I have USED A SCRAPER!
Today, I stare at a driver in an SUV, and mouth the words
“You can’t see!”
Guess what he did?
He rolled the window down!
WHY?
BECAUSE HE CAN’T SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I told him:
“Scrape your windows and learn how to drive please.”
Realizing his inability to defeat the truth of the matter
He rolled his window back up and drove away.
This, in a neighbourhood full of children, waiting for school buses.
It’s Impaired Driving.
There is no Difference.
Suspend their Licenses
Anything less is not going to make these people learn.
BUY A SCRAPER AND LEARN HOW TO USE IT!
FROST-VOLUME I
FROST
By John Ross Harvey
Frost is as bad as snow
It impairs your vision
Don’t just use the defroster
Or the washer fluid
Get your hands in motion
And scrape those windows,
Lights, and mirrors.
Vision through tiny lines is
Not good enough
Don’t be a Defroster Dunce
Scrape the frost.
By John Ross Harvey
Frost is as bad as snow
It impairs your vision
Don’t just use the defroster
Or the washer fluid
Get your hands in motion
And scrape those windows,
Lights, and mirrors.
Vision through tiny lines is
Not good enough
Don’t be a Defroster Dunce
Scrape the frost.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Boredom
Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
BOREDOM
By John Ross Harvey
What happens when you have nothing to do?
You’re bored.
But what are you bored of?
Work?
Life?
Family?
Radio?
TV?
This question is not usually asked
Because, if you’re bored, nobody cares why?
Why not?
Shouldn’t someone care what bored you, to become bored?
Was the sun at such an angle to your vision to create drowsiness?
Hence boredom.
Was Tom Green talking?
Hence boredom.
Was George W. Bush talking?
Hence boredom.
What made you bored?
I have no idea.
BOREDOM
By John Ross Harvey
What happens when you have nothing to do?
You’re bored.
But what are you bored of?
Work?
Life?
Family?
Radio?
TV?
This question is not usually asked
Because, if you’re bored, nobody cares why?
Why not?
Shouldn’t someone care what bored you, to become bored?
Was the sun at such an angle to your vision to create drowsiness?
Hence boredom.
Was Tom Green talking?
Hence boredom.
Was George W. Bush talking?
Hence boredom.
What made you bored?
I have no idea.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Winning
WINNING
By John Ross Harvey
It’s the American way
Win, or you’re a loser
Never it’s how you played
Or it’s the fun that counts
Just win, win, win, or lose.
I haven’t often won competitions
At least not physical ones
But I’m recently winning a virtual one.
Whatever do you mean by that?
Internet racing.
Sounds strange I know, let me explain.
Batracer.com
You register, sign in, and then you choose
Formula 1 2006, 2002, 1986, or
BTCC Production or Touring, or
Champcar, or A1 GP, or
Aussie V8 series.
All except A1 have teammates.
You cooperate to setup your cars
With slider bar settings for various parameters
Like wings, tire pressures, anti roll bar etc.
The closer to perfect you get
With team mate cooperation
The better chance you will win.
Results are calculated every 24 hours for
Qualifying and Race results.
Here’s the new dilemma
How many wins does it take before
People playing with you
Begin to dislike you
For winning too much?
In one series I am winning a lot.
In another I’m not winning at all.
But the one I am winning a lot at
Is against a lot of top name players
I’ve won 4 of 11 races
7 other drivers including my teammate
Have won 1 race only.
I’m beginning to wonder if
This is bothering them
As I had no clue I’d be winning this much.
But I don’t know how to stop winning
If the game settings are allowing me to win.
What would you do to ease the grief
Of your competition?
Throw a race or two on purpose?
Thoughts please.
By John Ross Harvey
It’s the American way
Win, or you’re a loser
Never it’s how you played
Or it’s the fun that counts
Just win, win, win, or lose.
I haven’t often won competitions
At least not physical ones
But I’m recently winning a virtual one.
Whatever do you mean by that?
Internet racing.
Sounds strange I know, let me explain.
Batracer.com
You register, sign in, and then you choose
Formula 1 2006, 2002, 1986, or
BTCC Production or Touring, or
Champcar, or A1 GP, or
Aussie V8 series.
All except A1 have teammates.
You cooperate to setup your cars
With slider bar settings for various parameters
Like wings, tire pressures, anti roll bar etc.
The closer to perfect you get
With team mate cooperation
The better chance you will win.
Results are calculated every 24 hours for
Qualifying and Race results.
Here’s the new dilemma
How many wins does it take before
People playing with you
Begin to dislike you
For winning too much?
In one series I am winning a lot.
In another I’m not winning at all.
But the one I am winning a lot at
Is against a lot of top name players
I’ve won 4 of 11 races
7 other drivers including my teammate
Have won 1 race only.
I’m beginning to wonder if
This is bothering them
As I had no clue I’d be winning this much.
But I don’t know how to stop winning
If the game settings are allowing me to win.
What would you do to ease the grief
Of your competition?
Throw a race or two on purpose?
Thoughts please.
Barbie Doll Packaging
I post this as my daughter had a birthday party recently
BARBIE DOLL PACKAGING
By John Ross Harvey
How many silver twist ties are required
To hold a Barbie doll in cardboard?
38?
Sure seems that way.
And sometimes you can’t find them
Because they are sandwiched between
Folded cardboard
And then the hair is threaded through
Clear plastic
And some of the ties go through
Plastic bars with holes in them.
Or worse yet, they are taped too!
I ask because my daughter must have
Every new Barbie that goes with each movie
Swan Lake, Rapunzel, and Pegasus etc.
And my wife and I have a years supply
Of silver twist ties from maybe 5 dolls.
Can you not just use that rub off glue
That balls up when you peel it?
It’d be a whole lot simpler.
I dread the release of the next DVD movie already.
BARBIE DOLL PACKAGING
By John Ross Harvey
How many silver twist ties are required
To hold a Barbie doll in cardboard?
38?
Sure seems that way.
And sometimes you can’t find them
Because they are sandwiched between
Folded cardboard
And then the hair is threaded through
Clear plastic
And some of the ties go through
Plastic bars with holes in them.
Or worse yet, they are taped too!
I ask because my daughter must have
Every new Barbie that goes with each movie
Swan Lake, Rapunzel, and Pegasus etc.
And my wife and I have a years supply
Of silver twist ties from maybe 5 dolls.
Can you not just use that rub off glue
That balls up when you peel it?
It’d be a whole lot simpler.
I dread the release of the next DVD movie already.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Food Recalls
Not humour, only comment.
FOOD RECALLS
By John Ross Harvey
In the last several weeks
We’ve had recalls for of all things
Carrots
Ham
And Chocolate Candy
E.coli in the carrots
A syringe found in a Ham
And Salmonella in Chocolate bars.
Doesn’t exactly make you want to eat anymore.
Does it?
These are 3 of the foods I actually eat.
Makes it much harder for myself to enjoy eating
When what I do eat could be harmful.
Foul play suspected?
I would think it’s more than a coincidence
That our food supply is being tampered with
Immediately before an Election
Someone is not happy with Government
And would kill innocents to convey their message
If you can’t speak up
Don’t take the cowardly road by harming the innocent.
Turn yourself in.
FOOD RECALLS
By John Ross Harvey
In the last several weeks
We’ve had recalls for of all things
Carrots
Ham
And Chocolate Candy
E.coli in the carrots
A syringe found in a Ham
And Salmonella in Chocolate bars.
Doesn’t exactly make you want to eat anymore.
Does it?
These are 3 of the foods I actually eat.
Makes it much harder for myself to enjoy eating
When what I do eat could be harmful.
Foul play suspected?
I would think it’s more than a coincidence
That our food supply is being tampered with
Immediately before an Election
Someone is not happy with Government
And would kill innocents to convey their message
If you can’t speak up
Don’t take the cowardly road by harming the innocent.
Turn yourself in.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Life's Trials
Originally posted at www.threeforcesofevil.typepad.com
LIFE’S TRIALS
By John Ross Harvey
Hi, how’re you all doing?
Any parents here tonight?
I have two kids, boy, and girl, Million-dollar family.
It costs that much, you don’t make that much!
You know TOYS R US,
The R is for REALLY EXPENSIVE!
Kids favourite place, and Visa’s, but not parents.
Anyone here happy with the price of gas?
No, of course not it was 89.9 today!
It should be 69.9! Yeah! That was too high a year ago, now it’s a sale!
If I were in power to change that, gas would be 49.9 forever.
Like that? Yeah, you do, you drive an SUV!
Seriously Ugly Vehicle. Sucking Ungodly Volumes (of Fuel).
Since you know I have kids, you may wonder if I’m married.
I am.
If you’re watching the Discovery channel, and going along with the explanations of planets and stars,
You’re wife says; “ How do they know? They don’t its just a guess!”
OK I’ve watched Star Trek and Star Wars and the real thing looks cool to me.
Whether you know it or not, Space looks like a cool place to visit.
You never have to leave because it’ll take 50 lifetimes to see it.
If you believe the Discovery Channel.
LIFE’S TRIALS
By John Ross Harvey
Hi, how’re you all doing?
Any parents here tonight?
I have two kids, boy, and girl, Million-dollar family.
It costs that much, you don’t make that much!
You know TOYS R US,
The R is for REALLY EXPENSIVE!
Kids favourite place, and Visa’s, but not parents.
Anyone here happy with the price of gas?
No, of course not it was 89.9 today!
It should be 69.9! Yeah! That was too high a year ago, now it’s a sale!
If I were in power to change that, gas would be 49.9 forever.
Like that? Yeah, you do, you drive an SUV!
Seriously Ugly Vehicle. Sucking Ungodly Volumes (of Fuel).
Since you know I have kids, you may wonder if I’m married.
I am.
If you’re watching the Discovery channel, and going along with the explanations of planets and stars,
You’re wife says; “ How do they know? They don’t its just a guess!”
OK I’ve watched Star Trek and Star Wars and the real thing looks cool to me.
Whether you know it or not, Space looks like a cool place to visit.
You never have to leave because it’ll take 50 lifetimes to see it.
If you believe the Discovery Channel.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
WHY?
WHY?
By John Ross Harvey
Perhaps you’ve seen the recent ad campaign
For the Toronto Star
Ask Why?
Well, on that theme I have a few whys
Why does nobody understand the concept of the bar on a checkout conveyor?
Why does McDonald’s have two speakers when they use one?
Why do people never put their headlights on?
Why do they let people buy more than 8 items at the express checkout?
Why are tea drinkers discriminated regularly?
It’s always: “Do you want Coffee?” Never ask about tea.
If they have Vegetarian Pizza, why not Carnivore Pizza?
OK, they sell it, but they call it Meat lovers, or Meat supreme.
Why do people buy condos? Half the building has the bad view!
Why don’t “drivers” read road signs?
This lane ends, in word or picture format is apparently unreadable.
As is DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
Why do “drivers” not pull over for Emergency Vehicles?
Someone might die because of their delayed reaction.
Why does North York salt the roads during flurries?
Why don’t we use sand instead?
There are less rust possibilities that way.
Why does a Cold take forever to get rid of?
Why are commercials getting worse?
Why did Faith Hill say “WHAT????” at the CMA’s?
Why do hairs grow in your nose and ears, when it doesn’t on your scalp?
Why is the worst customer service, the richest company in the world?
Why does Vaughan have grocery stores out the wazoo and no hospital?
Why did Corner Gas have Hank do a blog?
Because we need to know WHY!
By John Ross Harvey
Perhaps you’ve seen the recent ad campaign
For the Toronto Star
Ask Why?
Well, on that theme I have a few whys
Why does nobody understand the concept of the bar on a checkout conveyor?
Why does McDonald’s have two speakers when they use one?
Why do people never put their headlights on?
Why do they let people buy more than 8 items at the express checkout?
Why are tea drinkers discriminated regularly?
It’s always: “Do you want Coffee?” Never ask about tea.
If they have Vegetarian Pizza, why not Carnivore Pizza?
OK, they sell it, but they call it Meat lovers, or Meat supreme.
Why do people buy condos? Half the building has the bad view!
Why don’t “drivers” read road signs?
This lane ends, in word or picture format is apparently unreadable.
As is DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION
Why do “drivers” not pull over for Emergency Vehicles?
Someone might die because of their delayed reaction.
Why does North York salt the roads during flurries?
Why don’t we use sand instead?
There are less rust possibilities that way.
Why does a Cold take forever to get rid of?
Why are commercials getting worse?
Why did Faith Hill say “WHAT????” at the CMA’s?
Why do hairs grow in your nose and ears, when it doesn’t on your scalp?
Why is the worst customer service, the richest company in the world?
Why does Vaughan have grocery stores out the wazoo and no hospital?
Why did Corner Gas have Hank do a blog?
Because we need to know WHY!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Hallowe'en
HALLOWE’EN
By John Ross Harvey
2nd annual posting
All Hallow’s Eve
Hallow’s Evening
Hallowe’en
Not Halloween as many may write
This was not a Christian celebration
But a Celtic observation of the end of summer
Reaping of the final harvest
Beginning of winter
Where Samhain, Lord of Dead, gathers souls
In animals, and decides what other animals
They will reside in next
On the Eve of this Day
Barriers between Natural and
Supernatural worlds are Broken
Faeries were considered hostile
People would imitate Faeries
And ask for Treats, or the household
Would be tricked
Hence modern day trick-or-treating
These imitators would carry turnips
Carved with faces
Much like the modern day Jack-o-lantern
This festival became observed here
In North America after the Irish
Potato famine made many emigrate
From Ireland and bring their folklore with them.
But let’s face reality here
There is but one reason Hallowe’en exists today
Commercialism
An incentive to buy products
Second only to Christmas
At least for now
Until the next MUST HAVE candy comes around
Hallowe’en will then be #1
In the pockets of Commercial Enterprise
Too bad the Irish don’t run them.
By John Ross Harvey
2nd annual posting
All Hallow’s Eve
Hallow’s Evening
Hallowe’en
Not Halloween as many may write
This was not a Christian celebration
But a Celtic observation of the end of summer
Reaping of the final harvest
Beginning of winter
Where Samhain, Lord of Dead, gathers souls
In animals, and decides what other animals
They will reside in next
On the Eve of this Day
Barriers between Natural and
Supernatural worlds are Broken
Faeries were considered hostile
People would imitate Faeries
And ask for Treats, or the household
Would be tricked
Hence modern day trick-or-treating
These imitators would carry turnips
Carved with faces
Much like the modern day Jack-o-lantern
This festival became observed here
In North America after the Irish
Potato famine made many emigrate
From Ireland and bring their folklore with them.
But let’s face reality here
There is but one reason Hallowe’en exists today
Commercialism
An incentive to buy products
Second only to Christmas
At least for now
Until the next MUST HAVE candy comes around
Hallowe’en will then be #1
In the pockets of Commercial Enterprise
Too bad the Irish don’t run them.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
JOHNNY.CA
JOHNNY.CA
By John Ross Harvey
Is it just me, or is Johnny square?
This has to be the biggest nerd campaign ever
Johnny makes Revenge of the Nerds
Look like Jocks
He won’t turn up his stereo
He won’t park with a girl
What do you expect from Chevrolet?
They still don’t know
How many taillights
An Impala is supposed to have!
Six
Not Four
Not Two
Six
And Lose Johnny
Maybe Computer Geeks outnumber us
And that’s your market target
But they already drive Mercedes
They don’t want a Cobalt/Cavalier
Poor people like us are forced to buy Chevy
Unless they have better taste
And move up to a Ford or Dodge
Johnny isn’t selling anything
By John Ross Harvey
Is it just me, or is Johnny square?
This has to be the biggest nerd campaign ever
Johnny makes Revenge of the Nerds
Look like Jocks
He won’t turn up his stereo
He won’t park with a girl
What do you expect from Chevrolet?
They still don’t know
How many taillights
An Impala is supposed to have!
Six
Not Four
Not Two
Six
And Lose Johnny
Maybe Computer Geeks outnumber us
And that’s your market target
But they already drive Mercedes
They don’t want a Cobalt/Cavalier
Poor people like us are forced to buy Chevy
Unless they have better taste
And move up to a Ford or Dodge
Johnny isn’t selling anything
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Multiple Meanings
MULTIPLE MEANINGS
By John Ross Harvey
The English language is a funny thing
Two words can be spelled the same, sound different,
But mean something entirely different,
Or have more than one meaning.
Close or Close
Close that door or
You’re too close.
Same spelling, different sound, different meaning.
Peanuts
They are Nuts to some but are properly called Legumes
It’s a small amount of Money
It’s a cartoon strip
It’s a reference to a small…
More meanings, same sound.
Wound or Wound
You were wound up, or you wound it up.
It’s a small flesh wound.
Very different meaning, different sound, same spelling.
Jerk or Jerk
He’s a big Jerk
Let’s have Jerk Chicken
Different meaning, same sound and spelling.
File or File or File
You filed it under that name.
You stood in single file.
You cut it with a file.
Same word, same sound, different meanings
So the next time somebody whose English
Is their second or third language or more
Doesn’t sound like they understand English
There’s a very good reason!
Give them a break they have much more
Than these examples to try to comprehend.
And they didn’t have the 30+ years you did
To get it quite as poorly as yourself.
By John Ross Harvey
The English language is a funny thing
Two words can be spelled the same, sound different,
But mean something entirely different,
Or have more than one meaning.
Close or Close
Close that door or
You’re too close.
Same spelling, different sound, different meaning.
Peanuts
They are Nuts to some but are properly called Legumes
It’s a small amount of Money
It’s a cartoon strip
It’s a reference to a small…
More meanings, same sound.
Wound or Wound
You were wound up, or you wound it up.
It’s a small flesh wound.
Very different meaning, different sound, same spelling.
Jerk or Jerk
He’s a big Jerk
Let’s have Jerk Chicken
Different meaning, same sound and spelling.
File or File or File
You filed it under that name.
You stood in single file.
You cut it with a file.
Same word, same sound, different meanings
So the next time somebody whose English
Is their second or third language or more
Doesn’t sound like they understand English
There’s a very good reason!
Give them a break they have much more
Than these examples to try to comprehend.
And they didn’t have the 30+ years you did
To get it quite as poorly as yourself.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Baseball Can't Take the Rain
BASEBALL CAN’T TAKE THE RAIN
By John Ross Harvey
In several levels of Auto Racing rain is part of the sport
In fact many rain-affected races are far more exciting.
In Football, at least in the CFL, games continue in Snow or even Fog
A little rain never hurt that game
Now Hockey and Basketball are indoors so they have no excuses
But Baseball refuses to play in the rain
Why?
Are they afraid of the Mud?
They get dirty anyway in a dry game
It can’t possibly be because of the Laundry bill
Are they afraid of Hypothermia?
Perhaps rain in October is colder, but it’s not snow.
Rain delays are pathetic
If you dare to call your championship a World Series
You should at least be able to deal with the weather
Put on raincoats, I don’t really care how you play
But play the game; people have paid to see.
Do you think the fans are afraid of the rain?
No!
You are not a world-class outdoor sport,
Until you can handle the rain.
By John Ross Harvey
In several levels of Auto Racing rain is part of the sport
In fact many rain-affected races are far more exciting.
In Football, at least in the CFL, games continue in Snow or even Fog
A little rain never hurt that game
Now Hockey and Basketball are indoors so they have no excuses
But Baseball refuses to play in the rain
Why?
Are they afraid of the Mud?
They get dirty anyway in a dry game
It can’t possibly be because of the Laundry bill
Are they afraid of Hypothermia?
Perhaps rain in October is colder, but it’s not snow.
Rain delays are pathetic
If you dare to call your championship a World Series
You should at least be able to deal with the weather
Put on raincoats, I don’t really care how you play
But play the game; people have paid to see.
Do you think the fans are afraid of the rain?
No!
You are not a world-class outdoor sport,
Until you can handle the rain.
Monday, October 16, 2006
10 Things Wrong with GTA Drivers
10 THINGS WRONG WITH GTA DRIVERS
By John Ross Harvey
These are listed in No prioritized order, they are all wrong.
1. Grey Cars, Grey Roads, Grey Skies, No Lights! NO SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Directional Deficit Disorder: Why pass on left to exit at next right????????
3. Lost Lane Losers: Is the picture of the lane ending not enough for you?????
4. Intersection Blockers: If you don’t fit; don’t be a twit!
5. READ A ROAD SIGN: “School Zone” does not mean speed up. “Do Not Block Intersection” does not mean go ahead and block it.
6. Red Light Runners: When you are three cars back going left, it’s NOT OK TO TURN!
7. Weather: Defroster Lines, and Snow do not make visibility good.
8. Lane Hoppers: Guaranteed you will be behind the first guy you passed at the next red light.
9. Parked Car Passing: People do not park in the LEFT LANE. THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. Fire Lane Parking: Me Society Morons deserve to be TOWED!!!!!!!!
Improving on these 10 things will greatly improve your commute and your anger.
By John Ross Harvey
These are listed in No prioritized order, they are all wrong.
1. Grey Cars, Grey Roads, Grey Skies, No Lights! NO SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Directional Deficit Disorder: Why pass on left to exit at next right????????
3. Lost Lane Losers: Is the picture of the lane ending not enough for you?????
4. Intersection Blockers: If you don’t fit; don’t be a twit!
5. READ A ROAD SIGN: “School Zone” does not mean speed up. “Do Not Block Intersection” does not mean go ahead and block it.
6. Red Light Runners: When you are three cars back going left, it’s NOT OK TO TURN!
7. Weather: Defroster Lines, and Snow do not make visibility good.
8. Lane Hoppers: Guaranteed you will be behind the first guy you passed at the next red light.
9. Parked Car Passing: People do not park in the LEFT LANE. THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. Fire Lane Parking: Me Society Morons deserve to be TOWED!!!!!!!!
Improving on these 10 things will greatly improve your commute and your anger.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Thanksgiving
2nd annual posting
THANKSGIVING
By John Ross Harvey
American and Canadian Thanksgivings differ
They have it in November
We have it in October
They have it on Thursday (who knows why?)
We have it on Monday (long weekend of course)
They celebrate the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock
We celebrate the harvesting of food
They eat turkey
So do we
We stuff ourselves 3 weeks before Hallowe’en
They stuff themselves 3 ½ weeks after Hallowe’en
They watch NFL football games
CFL doesn’t play on Monday; it’s a long weekend!
THANKSGIVING
By John Ross Harvey
American and Canadian Thanksgivings differ
They have it in November
We have it in October
They have it on Thursday (who knows why?)
We have it on Monday (long weekend of course)
They celebrate the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock
We celebrate the harvesting of food
They eat turkey
So do we
We stuff ourselves 3 weeks before Hallowe’en
They stuff themselves 3 ½ weeks after Hallowe’en
They watch NFL football games
CFL doesn’t play on Monday; it’s a long weekend!
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